New Member Needing Help

Posted November 27, 2011 · November 27, 2011

I am new to the forum & was reading some of the other posts & am so happy I am

not alone, yet so sad that this kind of treatment happens to other daughters

like myself. I have been seeing a therapist thinking all of these years there

is something wrong with me to only find out my mother most likely has BPD. I

would never tolerate treatment like this from a friend, but what do you do when

it's your mother & you have no choice? I did not get to choose her - trust me, I

would not have chosen her.

My question to any of you is exactly how do you deal with it? We have had

nothing more than a surface relationship for most of my adult life. It did not

take me long to realize this is the only way to survive, but now I have a

husband & 2 children that are affected by her. I really would like to have

nothing to do with her, but she does not go away so easily. She torments me at

my job, msgs on voice mail & tries to track down my children only to reach me.

So I end up dealing with her to save my kids. I had been seeing a therapist, but

really felt like I was getting nowhere. He gave me some good ideas except when

it cam time to put the techniques into practice & she is even smarter than the

therapist. I mean she can manipulate any situation & outsmart even the best of

the professionals. I am worn out, frustrated, depressed, feel inadequate, & like

there is no end in sight. It only gets worse as she gets older. There are

times, I wish she would disappear. I cannot even think of a single happy memory

with her.

Posted November 28, 2011 · November 28, 2011

Hi, and welcome! We're glad you found us, but sorry you had to.

I can understand your confusion and frustration about having this kind of

conflict in an unchosen relationship. That was always very frustrating for me,

feeling like I couldn't just walk away because *she's my mo-ther*. There is a

lot of Obligation and Guilt that go along with that.

Many people cope with their BPD parent by having only Limited Contact, and many

of us find that eventually we need at least some stretch of time where we have

No Contact with our parent(s). I maintained very LC for a number of years,

beginning when I was in Therapy, and ending when I decided to go NC this past

year. I felt frustrated at having tried numerous times to communicate my needs

and boundaries to my parents, only to have my mother trample all over them time

and again. I was worn out and tired of trying to facilitate some kind of

non-toxic relationship between my parents and my children. I needed a break, and

it has been the most peaceful year of my entire life. I am not sure when I will

be ready to resume contact. My mother did start seeing a T, so if the feedback

from T suggests she has made significant progress and is committed to change and

respecting my boundaries, I may be able to do something extremely limited. But

also I feel triggered even just by the sound of her voice or the sight of her

handwriting, so I may need a lot more time.

Not everyone needs NC, not everyone is ready for it. But just so you know, it is

an option, and there are people here who will be able to support you. In the

meantime, you might consider LC. Think about how often you want to see/speak to

your mother, which topics are and are not acceptable, etc. Decide what you will

do if she starts yelling or waifing or calling you names (hang up, leave, etc.),

or threatening suicide (call 911). In any case, it is always okay to take a

break from the relationship. It does not mean you are a bad child or that you

are disrespectful.

Sveta

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