Let's Be Honest - feeling attacked by FB non-friend

[Guest guest]

In another message, Deborah said this:

" A favorite tactic is the " truth bomb,' in which BPD attempts to devastate

and

control the other person with some previously unknown (and sometimes absurd)

" truth " about them-self; In example, telling their child that the child is

the product of " coerced sex, " was conceived in an " alien encounter, " or was

involved in some horrendous childhood incident, which they,(the listener)

has suppressed, and the BPD hoped they would *never* have to bring up, but

must now, in the service of truth and mental health. Except that it is all a

lie. In other words, in thier world, they will tell the truth, even if they

have to lie to do it.

They represent themselves as being privy to secret, personal information

about others, and knows what everyone around her is really really thinks. "

Well, this happened to me this week in the most hurtful way imaginable. I don't

know if the woman who did it has BPD or not, but clearly she is a malignant,

toxic woman who is no longer part of my life. Here's what happened:

My daughter's ex-fiance was killed in another state, far from us, last week. We

don't have any details other than he was hit on the head in some kind of attack

related to a bar fight, and died on the way to the hospital. This has been

devastating news to all of us. He was her ex not because she did not deeply love

the man, but rather because he was possessed by inner demons that he quieted

with alcohol, and after three years of happiness he spiraled into severe

alcoholism, went to jail for DUI and probation violation for the second time,

and she called it off.

She felt, rightly so, that she couldn't tie her life to him, because he might

sober up for years, only to start drinking again after a couple of kids and a

mortgage. So although it broke her heart, she ended it.

He was a man who once took his jacket off on a cold night and gave it to a

homeless vet begging on a street corner. Who nursed their cat when she almost

died from fever. Who taught hundreds of children music lessons for less than his

talents were worth just to teach them the joy of playing. But he was sick.

After we told a few people by telephone, we both posted that he had passed away

on our Facebook walls, without any details of course, and asked that friends

send up a prayer that he had found his peace and was happy now.

But in a private FB message that I have with 17 women I met on a caregiving site

and have made friends with over the past few years, I told them that he had been

killed - I said murdered, because essentially when you're hit over the head

you're murdered. I used the nickname we called him - two names with the second

being his middle name. I told them we had no details yet, and that the family

hadn't gotten any more information from the police, because they too live in

this state.

One of these women is not someone I am close with. She is only on there because

of some of the other women and I have never liked her. She has said mean, nasty

things to the others time and time again. She's criticized them in many ways,

started arguments and even told them what they should and shouldn't post on

their own walls. After one had surgery recently she saw a picture of her in the

hospital and told her she needed to change her hairstyle and " a little makeup

wouldn't hurt. " Mean to that degree.

So I get a private FB message from her saying this:

Touchy subject here, but seems he was suicide by cop. Let's be honest.

Everybody is holding tight now (this was referring to the other ladies

commiserating and providing emotional support for me) but why not tell the

truth?

I replied: I have no idea what you are talking about.

And then I told the others, because I was at that moment prepared to drop out of

the group. I basically said, if this is the kind of friendship I'm going to get

here, I don't need it and I'm going to withdraw for a while because it's made me

hurt and angry and also disgusted that someone would do this.

But then the woman went off on me - and then them - with this incredibly

vicious attack about how she had googled him and he was a bad person and we

could all see " the links " yada yada.

Then she proceeded to blame me. It was my fault because it was ' " private. "

Yes, it's okay to attack someone in private, so long as you don't get caught.

Then she started insisting I should " put the truth on my wall. "

Um, what truth? The one you made up? The one you fictionalized?

This actually culminated in the other women starting a new private message

without her. She unfriended all of us. But first she private messaged a number

of the others trying to get them to " investigate and find out what really

happened " to DD's ex. I kid you not.

And her HUSBAND posted in the original group message that she had googled the

wrong name - she was apparently so desperate for dirt that she used the

nickname, although we still couldn't find anything that she saw except some 17

year old kid in another place that had that name that was in some trouble (DD's

ex was 44) - and he blamed the entire thing on ME too!

I'm still stunned that someone would do this. One, that she would be so

desperate for dirt she'd immediately start googling looking for something. Two,

that she would think she found something and then be so nasty. Three, that she

would feel it okay to accuse me of lying when I had already said we had no more

information at this time - and she knows what my career is, so surely she knows

if I could find anything out I would have already done it.

It's been a truly upsetting week. Upsetting for the death, and coming to terms

with that. Plus feeling violated and attacked by someone I don't even really

know. Heck, she's not MY friend and never was. But when I read Deborah's words,

I thought, AHA! I wonder if the woman is BPD? She may well have some other

personality disorder, but I don't know - she has certainly been at the center of

some other arguments, both on the FB group and the caregiving group.

Sorry this got to be so long, but I had to get it out somewhere, and this is a

very safe place. I figure maybe writing it out will help get it out of the loop

in my head.

Em