Re: need help & advice with FOO stalking

[Guest guest]

(((((Charlotte)))))

I wish I knew what the best course of action would be for you. It really seems

like a no-win situation you're in.

All I can say is what *I* would do. If I'd made it clear that I wanted no

further contact with the foo, gone to the trouble of moving and keeping my

location, numbers and other personal info private, and then this uncle appears,

literally stalking me... well, that would make me ANGRY AS HELL.

Not scared, not a limp, helpless prey... it would turn me into the freaking

Incredible Hulkette.

If this were me, I would take it to the next level and contact a good lawyer

with experience in anti-stalking cases. I would share with the lawyer your

history in this matter, give him or her all your info about the care you have

taken to cut yourself off from your foo, when you did this, and exactly why you

needed to: for your own physical safety and emotional well-being.

I would then let my lawyer handle the proceedings from that point.

Your lawyer would send a " no contact " letter to your uncle; you no longer

correspond with anyone in your foo, for any reason. The letter from your lawyer

would state that *any* further attempts at contact would be unwanted and

unwelcome, and would be considered harassment. Etc.

And if that triggers your parents into more attempts at contacting you, then,

their psychotic behavior will be even more blatantly obvious and your lawyer

will have the evidence he needs to get a restraining order taken out against

them. If they violate a restraining order, then its jail time for psycho mom

and psycho dad.

If they go so far as to show up at your home or place of business, then, they're

shooting themselves in the foot, so to speak.

When being polite doesn't work, when ignoring them doesn't work, then you

basically have no choice but to take it to the next level.

In my opinion.

But you are the only one who can determine what will work best *for you.* Its

your individual choice based on your individual situation. I hope you find

something that does work for you.

-Annie

>

> Dear WTO,

>

> Background: I've been NC for several years now. It was a gradual process that

became more and more necessary, the more I learned of BPD/NPD and the more

threatening FOO's reactions to my boundaries became. The move to stop seeing

FOO in person, ever, became unfortunately necessary when I divorced a very

violent man who therapists told me was very dangerous, and likely to 'snap' and

kill someone. Nada has always had a penchant for staying in touch with her

childrens' exes, and the family made it clear that they would (as usual)

completely write off my opionions, fears and needs and do whatever they wanted.

They not only continued to be in touch with the guy, but helped him with money

and his legal problems. Noone has EVER told me, if he is or is not present at,

say, holidays, weddings and funerals, and to what extent he is still in touch

with my FOO.

>

> I fled. Successfully. I went further and further NC, and the less contact I

had, the more successful and peaceful I became. I ended up

> blocking the emails and phone calls of immediately FOO, out of necessity,

because every contact of theirs still was a threat to my safety, and it was

necessary.

>

> Though I never told anyone in FOO where I am, recently a non-immediate family

member, one who was present at all major family events when I was growing up,

has been contacting me and indicating he knows where I am and what my job is.

He is coming into town on business next month, and wants to see me. These

messages/calls are framed in terms of how 'proud' he is and how much it would

mean to him to be able to see me. This particular man, I am not sure but I also

suspect that he is NPD--strongly suspect. He has been known to be very close to

nada, and to do a lot of social events outside of the main family track with

nada and np-dad.

>

> I never told anyone where I am. I never told anyone my job.

>

> I didn't know what to do so I just didn't respond to his emails. We weren't

particularly close--maybe a gift every three years or so, a letter or email

every five or six years. I don't know him well and have always found his

company a little sour and threatening; & I think he is NPD for pretty good

reasons.

>

> Now he has escalated his contacts in attempt to see me. Someone has given him

my cell number--EVEN though that number does not work for any of my immediate

family members (I've blocked them). He's started to call and text. He never

indicates who exactly will be present, he never acknowledges in any way that I

haven't been in touch with FOO for YEARS and that I might have good reason for

that. He is still texting and calling even though I've ignored it all. Now

he's saying he's 'very sick' (but not saying what the diagnosis is).

>

> I am between a rock and a hard place. I am genuinely scared; I don't feel any

love or loyalty to this particular family member--my instinct says only 'protect

yourself'. My ONLY GOAL is to try my damndest to keep nada and np-dad from

showing up at my place or work and/or home (I'm unlisted but they could hire a

private investigator or something). That is my ONLY goal.

>

> If I decline the invite, it admits I am here in this city. If I state that I

am not in touch with FOO at this time, he WILL transmit it to nada/npd, and it

will be taken as a complete invitation to push back against that boundary.

Lying that I'm not here is not even an option, because he knows someone I work

with here (and has, threateningly, let me know that he's talked to my colleague

about me). I wouldn't want to lie anyway.

>

> I think that my best option at this point, especially since he might be npd

himself, is to just keep ignoring him. It's not like we have a relationship

that I feel I need to preserve--he's never been helpful to me or a real part of

my life, etc. I've nothing to *lose by staying silent, I am entirely

independent from FOO, financially and otherwise. But this is really a message

from nada & npd--'we know where you are and what you do'--and I am having bad

nightmares about it. Nightmares that I am forced to see nada/npd, or tricked

into seeing them.

>

> I would be very grateful for other opinions. Is silence my best option? It

seems that if I write a message that for a non-Cluster B would be respectful and

responsive, ('thanks for the kind words, because of severe domestic violence I

am not able to be in touch right now but I appreciate your support)--that would

be, as I said, transmitted to FOO and they would then escalate and show up here.

Everyone knows nada's can't stand explicitly expressed boundaries; they are

compelled to push back against them. So. Silence, I guess. Unless anyone has

other ideas.

>

> Thanks,

> Charlie

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you Annie, for this. It helps to reveal what's happening with me. I'm

still having trouble believing my own Truth, and I am still much more

susceptible than I thought to theirs. And to fear.

For new WTOs who aren't familiar with my story, I have not only a nada but an

NPD father who created a cult-like dynamic in the family, and whose modus

operandi was financial control. This contact is very much a communication from

them--N-Dad in particular. It's a message that I am *not really secure, they

can find me, they can enforce their reality if they want, they can knock me

down. That the relative knows a colleague of mine is very much a threat, due to

the background of severe, SEVERE financial control and destruction that N-Dad

inflicted, and that I have now crawled out of with much work and suffering.

This is a lesson that I haven't done enough yet. I am not fully safe yet; I am

still afraid they could take back over somehow; I am still letting them control

my actions. It's not exactly logical because my nada doesn't work and N-Dad is

not in the same career field as me, nor is he in the same state, nor does he

have any *real power in our home state. This may be more of a psychological

journey than a practical one--though I DO need health insurance, darn it. I

have an enduring terror I'll get very ill and be forced to move in with them

somehow. In reality I know that I would have other choices. They want me to

believe I wouldn't.

Annie a Cease and Desist letter is probably not an option for me at this point,

but maybe it is--what IS apparent is that I need to revisit the whole 'how are

you protecting yourself from FOO' issue, and dissolve whatever psychological

attachment that is still causing such a fear response. I fear a lot of it is

PTSD or physical cult-style conditioning to resist displeasing them, but there

still must be something more I can do here. I just want to acknowledge that

what they are trying to threaten here, is very real--we can still tear you down,

they are trying to say, no matter how successful you are, we can still enforce

OUR Truth upon you. That's what I have to figure out how to resist, and it has

something to do with letting go of any attachments I still have to them, or to

the 'carrots' they hold out.

-ChhC

> >

> > Dear WTO,

> >

> > Background: I've been NC for several years now. It was a gradual process

that became more and more necessary, the more I learned of BPD/NPD and the more

threatening FOO's reactions to my boundaries became. The move to stop seeing

FOO in person, ever, became unfortunately necessary when I divorced a very

violent man who therapists told me was very dangerous, and likely to 'snap' and

kill someone. Nada has always had a penchant for staying in touch with her

childrens' exes, and the family made it clear that they would (as usual)

completely write off my opionions, fears and needs and do whatever they wanted.

They not only continued to be in touch with the guy, but helped him with money

and his legal problems. Noone has EVER told me, if he is or is not present at,

say, holidays, weddings and funerals, and to what extent he is still in touch

with my FOO.

> >

> > I fled. Successfully. I went further and further NC, and the less contact

I had, the more successful and peaceful I became. I ended up

> > blocking the emails and phone calls of immediately FOO, out of necessity,

because every contact of theirs still was a threat to my safety, and it was

necessary.

> >

> > Though I never told anyone in FOO where I am, recently a non-immediate

family member, one who was present at all major family events when I was growing

up, has been contacting me and indicating he knows where I am and what my job

is. He is coming into town on business next month, and wants to see me. These

messages/calls are framed in terms of how 'proud' he is and how much it would

mean to him to be able to see me. This particular man, I am not sure but I also

suspect that he is NPD--strongly suspect. He has been known to be very close to

nada, and to do a lot of social events outside of the main family track with

nada and np-dad.

> >

> > I never told anyone where I am. I never told anyone my job.

> >

> > I didn't know what to do so I just didn't respond to his emails. We weren't

particularly close--maybe a gift every three years or so, a letter or email

every five or six years. I don't know him well and have always found his

company a little sour and threatening; & I think he is NPD for pretty good

reasons.

> >

> > Now he has escalated his contacts in attempt to see me. Someone has given

him my cell number--EVEN though that number does not work for any of my

immediate family members (I've blocked them). He's started to call and text.

He never indicates who exactly will be present, he never acknowledges in any way

that I haven't been in touch with FOO for YEARS and that I might have good

reason for that. He is still texting and calling even though I've ignored it

all. Now he's saying he's 'very sick' (but not saying what the diagnosis is).

> >

> > I am between a rock and a hard place. I am genuinely scared; I don't feel

any love or loyalty to this particular family member--my instinct says only

'protect yourself'. My ONLY GOAL is to try my damndest to keep nada and np-dad

from showing up at my place or work and/or home (I'm unlisted but they could

hire a private investigator or something). That is my ONLY goal.

> >

> > If I decline the invite, it admits I am here in this city. If I state that

I am not in touch with FOO at this time, he WILL transmit it to nada/npd, and it

will be taken as a complete invitation to push back against that boundary.

Lying that I'm not here is not even an option, because he knows someone I work

with here (and has, threateningly, let me know that he's talked to my colleague

about me). I wouldn't want to lie anyway.

> >

> > I think that my best option at this point, especially since he might be npd

himself, is to just keep ignoring him. It's not like we have a relationship

that I feel I need to preserve--he's never been helpful to me or a real part of

my life, etc. I've nothing to *lose by staying silent, I am entirely

independent from FOO, financially and otherwise. But this is really a message

from nada & npd--'we know where you are and what you do'--and I am having bad

nightmares about it. Nightmares that I am forced to see nada/npd, or tricked

into seeing them.

> >

> > I would be very grateful for other opinions. Is silence my best option? It

seems that if I write a message that for a non-Cluster B would be respectful and

responsive, ('thanks for the kind words, because of severe domestic violence I

am not able to be in touch right now but I appreciate your support)--that would

be, as I said, transmitted to FOO and they would then escalate and show up here.

Everyone knows nada's can't stand explicitly expressed boundaries; they are

compelled to push back against them. So. Silence, I guess. Unless anyone has

other ideas.

> >

> > Thanks,

> > Charlie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

in my opinion you are being stalked.

you did not initiate contact with this man or give him any of your information

but he seems to be gathering more and more of it. The fact that he is in touch

with your family who is in touch with your violent ex justifies any measure of

self-protection you take.

The normal reaction for someone who is denied a response when contacting a

person is to take it as a refusal, a 'not interested', and move on. I imagine he

is acting at the behest of your mother, otherwise he would give up and go away.

I think you need to talk to an attorney and get the ball rolling on a 'no

contact' order, if he doesn't leave you alone. I wouldn't bother setting any

kind of 'normal boundary' with this family, I would set a legal one from the

word go, and make it clear there will be consequences if it is not respected. Of

course, if ignoring it is going to work then that is the least complicated

route, but my feeling is he will eventually gain your address and show up

unnannounced on your property. You could hit him with a 'no tresspass', which is

just a letter that states if he shows up on your property he will be arrested, I

had to do this once with the crazy ex of an ex, in that state you had to mail

them a copy and give the police station one as well, it's probably different

everywhere.

>

> Dear WTO,

>

> Background: I've been NC for several years now. It was a gradual process that

became more and more necessary, the more I learned of BPD/NPD and the more

threatening FOO's reactions to my boundaries became. The move to stop seeing

FOO in person, ever, became unfortunately necessary when I divorced a very

violent man who therapists told me was very dangerous, and likely to 'snap' and

kill someone. Nada has always had a penchant for staying in touch with her

childrens' exes, and the family made it clear that they would (as usual)

completely write off my opionions, fears and needs and do whatever they wanted.

They not only continued to be in touch with the guy, but helped him with money

and his legal problems. Noone has EVER told me, if he is or is not present at,

say, holidays, weddings and funerals, and to what extent he is still in touch

with my FOO.

>

> I fled. Successfully. I went further and further NC, and the less contact I

had, the more successful and peaceful I became. I ended up

> blocking the emails and phone calls of immediately FOO, out of necessity,

because every contact of theirs still was a threat to my safety, and it was

necessary.

>

> Though I never told anyone in FOO where I am, recently a non-immediate family

member, one who was present at all major family events when I was growing up,

has been contacting me and indicating he knows where I am and what my job is.

He is coming into town on business next month, and wants to see me. These

messages/calls are framed in terms of how 'proud' he is and how much it would

mean to him to be able to see me. This particular man, I am not sure but I also

suspect that he is NPD--strongly suspect. He has been known to be very close to

nada, and to do a lot of social events outside of the main family track with

nada and np-dad.

>

> I never told anyone where I am. I never told anyone my job.

>

> I didn't know what to do so I just didn't respond to his emails. We weren't

particularly close--maybe a gift every three years or so, a letter or email

every five or six years. I don't know him well and have always found his

company a little sour and threatening; & I think he is NPD for pretty good

reasons.

>

> Now he has escalated his contacts in attempt to see me. Someone has given him

my cell number--EVEN though that number does not work for any of my immediate

family members (I've blocked them). He's started to call and text. He never

indicates who exactly will be present, he never acknowledges in any way that I

haven't been in touch with FOO for YEARS and that I might have good reason for

that. He is still texting and calling even though I've ignored it all. Now

he's saying he's 'very sick' (but not saying what the diagnosis is).

>

> I am between a rock and a hard place. I am genuinely scared; I don't feel any

love or loyalty to this particular family member--my instinct says only 'protect

yourself'. My ONLY GOAL is to try my damndest to keep nada and np-dad from

showing up at my place or work and/or home (I'm unlisted but they could hire a

private investigator or something). That is my ONLY goal.

>

> If I decline the invite, it admits I am here in this city. If I state that I

am not in touch with FOO at this time, he WILL transmit it to nada/npd, and it

will be taken as a complete invitation to push back against that boundary.

Lying that I'm not here is not even an option, because he knows someone I work

with here (and has, threateningly, let me know that he's talked to my colleague

about me). I wouldn't want to lie anyway.

>

> I think that my best option at this point, especially since he might be npd

himself, is to just keep ignoring him. It's not like we have a relationship

that I feel I need to preserve--he's never been helpful to me or a real part of

my life, etc. I've nothing to *lose by staying silent, I am entirely

independent from FOO, financially and otherwise. But this is really a message

from nada & npd--'we know where you are and what you do'--and I am having bad

nightmares about it. Nightmares that I am forced to see nada/npd, or tricked

into seeing them.

>

> I would be very grateful for other opinions. Is silence my best option? It

seems that if I write a message that for a non-Cluster B would be respectful and

responsive, ('thanks for the kind words, because of severe domestic violence I

am not able to be in touch right now but I appreciate your support)--that would

be, as I said, transmitted to FOO and they would then escalate and show up here.

Everyone knows nada's can't stand explicitly expressed boundaries; they are

compelled to push back against them. So. Silence, I guess. Unless anyone has

other ideas.

>

> Thanks,

> Charlie

>

[Guest guest]

Charlotte, it sounds like the main threat to you here is that this guy knows

your colleague. Maybe you could act preemptively and talk with your colleague -

enough to warn him to take with a big grain of salt anything that this guy says

about you. You deserve some peace to build your good life away from these

people!

Eliza

> > >

> > > Dear WTO,

> > >

> > > Background: I've been NC for several years now. It was a gradual process

that became more and more necessary, the more I learned of BPD/NPD and the more

threatening FOO's reactions to my boundaries became. The move to stop seeing

FOO in person, ever, became unfortunately necessary when I divorced a very

violent man who therapists told me was very dangerous, and likely to 'snap' and

kill someone. Nada has always had a penchant for staying in touch with her

childrens' exes, and the family made it clear that they would (as usual)

completely write off my opionions, fears and needs and do whatever they wanted.

They not only continued to be in touch with the guy, but helped him with money

and his legal problems. Noone has EVER told me, if he is or is not present at,

say, holidays, weddings and funerals, and to what extent he is still in touch

with my FOO.

> > >

> > > I fled. Successfully. I went further and further NC, and the less

contact I had, the more successful and peaceful I became. I ended up

> > > blocking the emails and phone calls of immediately FOO, out of necessity,

because every contact of theirs still was a threat to my safety, and it was

necessary.

> > >

> > > Though I never told anyone in FOO where I am, recently a non-immediate

family member, one who was present at all major family events when I was growing

up, has been contacting me and indicating he knows where I am and what my job

is. He is coming into town on business next month, and wants to see me. These

messages/calls are framed in terms of how 'proud' he is and how much it would

mean to him to be able to see me. This particular man, I am not sure but I also

suspect that he is NPD--strongly suspect. He has been known to be very close to

nada, and to do a lot of social events outside of the main family track with

nada and np-dad.

> > >

> > > I never told anyone where I am. I never told anyone my job.

> > >

> > > I didn't know what to do so I just didn't respond to his emails. We

weren't particularly close--maybe a gift every three years or so, a letter or

email every five or six years. I don't know him well and have always found his

company a little sour and threatening; & I think he is NPD for pretty good

reasons.

> > >

> > > Now he has escalated his contacts in attempt to see me. Someone has given

him my cell number--EVEN though that number does not work for any of my

immediate family members (I've blocked them). He's started to call and text.

He never indicates who exactly will be present, he never acknowledges in any way

that I haven't been in touch with FOO for YEARS and that I might have good

reason for that. He is still texting and calling even though I've ignored it

all. Now he's saying he's 'very sick' (but not saying what the diagnosis is).

> > >

> > > I am between a rock and a hard place. I am genuinely scared; I don't feel

any love or loyalty to this particular family member--my instinct says only

'protect yourself'. My ONLY GOAL is to try my damndest to keep nada and np-dad

from showing up at my place or work and/or home (I'm unlisted but they could

hire a private investigator or something). That is my ONLY goal.

> > >

> > > If I decline the invite, it admits I am here in this city. If I state

that I am not in touch with FOO at this time, he WILL transmit it to nada/npd,

and it will be taken as a complete invitation to push back against that

boundary. Lying that I'm not here is not even an option, because he knows

someone I work with here (and has, threateningly, let me know that he's talked

to my colleague about me). I wouldn't want to lie anyway.

> > >

> > > I think that my best option at this point, especially since he might be

npd himself, is to just keep ignoring him. It's not like we have a relationship

that I feel I need to preserve--he's never been helpful to me or a real part of

my life, etc. I've nothing to *lose by staying silent, I am entirely

independent from FOO, financially and otherwise. But this is really a message

from nada & npd--'we know where you are and what you do'--and I am having bad

nightmares about it. Nightmares that I am forced to see nada/npd, or tricked

into seeing them.

> > >

> > > I would be very grateful for other opinions. Is silence my best option?

It seems that if I write a message that for a non-Cluster B would be respectful

and responsive, ('thanks for the kind words, because of severe domestic violence

I am not able to be in touch right now but I appreciate your support)--that

would be, as I said, transmitted to FOO and they would then escalate and show up

here. Everyone knows nada's can't stand explicitly expressed boundaries; they

are compelled to push back against them. So. Silence, I guess. Unless anyone

has other ideas.

> > >

> > > Thanks,

> > > Charlie

> > >

> >

>