need help & advice with FOO stalking

[Guest guest]

Dear WTO,

Background: I've been NC for several years now. It was a gradual process that

became more and more necessary, the more I learned of BPD/NPD and the more

threatening FOO's reactions to my boundaries became. The move to stop seeing

FOO in person, ever, became unfortunately necessary when I divorced a very

violent man who therapists told me was very dangerous, and likely to 'snap' and

kill someone. Nada has always had a penchant for staying in touch with her

childrens' exes, and the family made it clear that they would (as usual)

completely write off my opionions, fears and needs and do whatever they wanted.

They not only continued to be in touch with the guy, but helped him with money

and his legal problems. Noone has EVER told me, if he is or is not present at,

say, holidays, weddings and funerals, and to what extent he is still in touch

with my FOO.

I fled. Successfully. I went further and further NC, and the less contact I

had, the more successful and peaceful I became. I ended up

blocking the emails and phone calls of immediately FOO, out of necessity,

because every contact of theirs still was a threat to my safety, and it was

necessary.

Though I never told anyone in FOO where I am, recently a non-immediate family

member, one who was present at all major family events when I was growing up,

has been contacting me and indicating he knows where I am and what my job is.

He is coming into town on business next month, and wants to see me. These

messages/calls are framed in terms of how 'proud' he is and how much it would

mean to him to be able to see me. This particular man, I am not sure but I also

suspect that he is NPD--strongly suspect. He has been known to be very close to

nada, and to do a lot of social events outside of the main family track with

nada and np-dad.

I never told anyone where I am. I never told anyone my job.

I didn't know what to do so I just didn't respond to his emails. We weren't

particularly close--maybe a gift every three years or so, a letter or email

every five or six years. I don't know him well and have always found his

company a little sour and threatening; & I think he is NPD for pretty good

reasons.

Now he has escalated his contacts in attempt to see me. Someone has given him

my cell number--EVEN though that number does not work for any of my immediate

family members (I've blocked them). He's started to call and text. He never

indicates who exactly will be present, he never acknowledges in any way that I

haven't been in touch with FOO for YEARS and that I might have good reason for

that. He is still texting and calling even though I've ignored it all. Now

he's saying he's 'very sick' (but not saying what the diagnosis is).

I am between a rock and a hard place. I am genuinely scared; I don't feel any

love or loyalty to this particular family member--my instinct says only 'protect

yourself'. My ONLY GOAL is to try my damndest to keep nada and np-dad from

showing up at my place or work and/or home (I'm unlisted but they could hire a

private investigator or something). That is my ONLY goal.

If I decline the invite, it admits I am here in this city. If I state that I am

not in touch with FOO at this time, he WILL transmit it to nada/npd, and it will

be taken as a complete invitation to push back against that boundary. Lying

that I'm not here is not even an option, because he knows someone I work with

here (and has, threateningly, let me know that he's talked to my colleague about

me). I wouldn't want to lie anyway.

I think that my best option at this point, especially since he might be npd

himself, is to just keep ignoring him. It's not like we have a relationship

that I feel I need to preserve--he's never been helpful to me or a real part of

my life, etc. I've nothing to *lose by staying silent, I am entirely

independent from FOO, financially and otherwise. But this is really a message

from nada & npd--'we know where you are and what you do'--and I am having bad

nightmares about it. Nightmares that I am forced to see nada/npd, or tricked

into seeing them.

I would be very grateful for other opinions. Is silence my best option? It

seems that if I write a message that for a non-Cluster B would be respectful and

responsive, ('thanks for the kind words, because of severe domestic violence I

am not able to be in touch right now but I appreciate your support)--that would

be, as I said, transmitted to FOO and they would then escalate and show up here.

Everyone knows nada's can't stand explicitly expressed boundaries; they are

compelled to push back against them. So. Silence, I guess. Unless anyone has

other ideas.

Thanks,

Charlie