Rules for EMStock Chili and Barbecue Cookoff on web site any day now.....

[Guest guest]

A TEXAS CHILI COOK-OFF

" My name is , and recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a

Texas chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment

and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions

to the Budweiser truck when the call came in. I was assured by the other two

judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,

besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting so I

accepted. "

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili:

Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild

Judge # 3 () - Holy sh-t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove

dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I

hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to

give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw

the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more salt.

Judge # 2 - A good chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers

Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I

have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more

beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in

the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh-t-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 - Chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in chili. Good side dish for fish or other mild

foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was

standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to

look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the

cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can

no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili

had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring

beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices

and peppers.

Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I sh-t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat

through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that

Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I

need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 's screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili

peppers at the last moment. I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be

in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like

it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid

unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh-t to match my

shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided

to stop breathing because it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any

oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole

in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but

spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot.

Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over

and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to

make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili. Must

not be from Texas.

Mark Your Calendars!

EMStock 2008

September 25-28, 2008

http://www.emstock.com