where/when/with whom did you begin to redefine yourself?

[Guest guest]

I haven't fully defined myself yet. I see it as one of those corny tv shows,

where a blind person has surgery to regain their sight. The bandages are removed

from their eyes and they have sight, but it's very blurry.

Likewise, I see the outline of me. I see myself forming, now that I do not have

constant, incessant contact with my mother.

To be honest, it's a little scary. As much as she was using me, I was using her,

as a buffer for my own problems. " oh, it's my mother. You know how she is; she

just depresses me. "

Without her, I have to take responsibility for my own feelings and actions.

Still, I love it. Her shadow over me all the time was suffocating me and not

allowing me to consider anything without wondering what she would think.

Do you live with your mother? Is that how she's able to constantly tell you her

version of you, her perspective on your possibilities? I think it wouldn't hurt

if you went very low contact with her. You sound so ready to throw off her voice

on the tape in your head.

I still hear my mother's tape in my head and speak affirmations to myself and

move on. Some days it gets to me. But still, have to move on.

It's no longer important to try to get her to understand anything. She doesn't

want to have a conversation with you. She just wants to know that she still have

power over you. We don't need to be defined by what anyone else thinks of us.

Maybe a therapist can help you set goals for your life and push past to find out

who you are and what makes you tick.

Best wishes,

Fiona

[Guest guest]

thanks for responding, Fiona...I had deleted this post that I had made earlier

when it didnt' get any responses, rejection paranoia I guess.

You really hit the nail on the head when you said this:

" It's no longer important to try to get her to understand anything. She doesn't

want to have a conversation with you. She just wants to know that she still have

power over you. "

I have learned irrefutably that this is true. My mother is not interested in me

as a person. What she knows, she is not happy about, and she certainly doesn't

want to know any more. And you are right, she just wants to make sure she has

power over me and me always trying to earn her love. it's disgusting, because I

know I have always done this, and I never will earn it. When we do talk it's

almost always because she is emotionally manipulating me or hitting one of my

triggers and putting me on the defensive. Rarely if ever is it just honest

conversation.

>

> I haven't fully defined myself yet. I see it as one of those corny tv shows,

where a blind person has surgery to regain their sight. The bandages are removed

from their eyes and they have sight, but it's very blurry.

>

> Likewise, I see the outline of me. I see myself forming, now that I do not

have constant, incessant contact with my mother.

>

> To be honest, it's a little scary. As much as she was using me, I was using

her, as a buffer for my own problems. " oh, it's my mother. You know how she is;

she just depresses me. "

>

> Without her, I have to take responsibility for my own feelings and actions.

Still, I love it. Her shadow over me all the time was suffocating me and not

allowing me to consider anything without wondering what she would think.

>

> Do you live with your mother? Is that how she's able to constantly tell you

her version of you, her perspective on your possibilities? I think it wouldn't

hurt if you went very low contact with her. You sound so ready to throw off her

voice on the tape in your head.

>

> I still hear my mother's tape in my head and speak affirmations to myself and

move on. Some days it gets to me. But still, have to move on.

>

> It's no longer important to try to get her to understand anything. She doesn't

want to have a conversation with you. She just wants to know that she still have

power over you. We don't need to be defined by what anyone else thinks of us.

>

> Maybe a therapist can help you set goals for your life and push past to find

out who you are and what makes you tick.

>

> Best wishes,

>

> Fiona

>

[Guest guest]

" I have learned irrefutably that this is true. My mother is not interested in me

as a person. What she knows, she is not happy about, and she certainly doesn't

want to know any more. And you are right, she just wants to make sure she has

power over me and me always trying to earn her love. it's disgusting, because I

know I have always done this, and I never will earn it. When we do talk it's

almost always because she is emotionally manipulating me or hitting one of my

triggers and putting me on the defensive. Rarely if ever is it just honest

conversation. "

I can very much relate to this - particularly " My mother is not interested in me

as a person " . In fact when I am explaining my NC to family that is how I am

going to describe it- thanks for such perfect words! It was one of the reasons I

went NC. I just couldn't continue having these conversations that were never

about me - well, actually, they were always about me, but not the 'real' me.

Nada's imaginary me. Which of course I became, because it was easier to be that

person than ever have 'an honest conversation'.

But regardless of how I twisted and turned myself in to what she wanted me to

be, desperate for some approval, I was never good enough. By the end I never

gave away a thing, I'd just sit and nod while she railed, I'd shut down.

I don't know what you original post was, but if it was about that voice in your

head as Fiona suggests, I would really recommend LC or NC if you can. It's only

now I am NC I find I actually have my own thoughts, without worrying about how I

would explain my choices to Nada. Now I know too, that I never really had to.

But it's taken me a while to get here and I don't feel confident I wouldn't

revert back if I resume contact any time soon. It's exciting though, to find out

who I am and what I think, like, etc.

Best of luck,

Mimble

> >

> > I haven't fully defined myself yet. I see it as one of those corny tv shows,

where a blind person has surgery to regain their sight. The bandages are removed

from their eyes and they have sight, but it's very blurry.

> >

> > Likewise, I see the outline of me. I see myself forming, now that I do not

have constant, incessant contact with my mother.

> >

> > To be honest, it's a little scary. As much as she was using me, I was using

her, as a buffer for my own problems. " oh, it's my mother. You know how she is;

she just depresses me. "

> >

> > Without her, I have to take responsibility for my own feelings and actions.

Still, I love it. Her shadow over me all the time was suffocating me and not

allowing me to consider anything without wondering what she would think.

> >

> > Do you live with your mother? Is that how she's able to constantly tell you

her version of you, her perspective on your possibilities? I think it wouldn't

hurt if you went very low contact with her. You sound so ready to throw off her

voice on the tape in your head.

> >

> > I still hear my mother's tape in my head and speak affirmations to myself

and move on. Some days it gets to me. But still, have to move on.

> >

> > It's no longer important to try to get her to understand anything. She

doesn't want to have a conversation with you. She just wants to know that she

still have power over you. We don't need to be defined by what anyone else

thinks of us.

> >

> > Maybe a therapist can help you set goals for your life and push past to find

out who you are and what makes you tick.

> >

> > Best wishes,

> >

> > Fiona

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm new to the group and still trying to learn all the abbreviations. What is LC

and NC? Neither are on the abbreviations list under the group Files.

Thanks!

" ...I would really recommend LC or NC if you can... "

[Guest guest]

LC - limited/ low contact

NC - no contact

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, June 21, 2011 9:18 AM

Subject: Re: where/when/with whom did you begin to redefine

yourself?

Â

I'm new to the group and still trying to learn all the abbreviations. What is LC

and NC? Neither are on the abbreviations list under the group Files.

Thanks!

" ...I would really recommend LC or NC if you can... "

[Guest guest]

very helpful! thanks!

- b.

LC - limited/ low contact

NC - no contact