success w/ LC?

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

Has anyone had success with LC? Does anyone speak with their nada regularly

(weekly maybe?) and remain emotionally steady? 

I am trying to imagine a life in which I can include nada a little bit at a safe

distance. I am having a hard time picturing myself getting around her constant

guilt trips that I don't call enough and that she wishes I would come see her.

I'm quite aware that I'm not yet ready to contact her (it's been about 2 months)

- just trying to figure out what might be realistic to envision for the future. 

Thank you to everyone who responded to my post about feeling unbalanced. I took

your advice and started listening to an audiobook during periods when I know I'm

going to be alone with my thoughts for a while. It has helped a lot so far to

get those thoughts right out of my head. 

Thanks.

[Guest guest]

At the risk of sounding like a Hooked on Phonics commercial, limited contact

works for me. Whenever the convo takes a direction I don't care for, I make some

excuse and get off the phone. This works with both my long-distance nutjob

parents (she is BPD and he is NPD, a matched set I'll sell you cheap).. After

awhile, some part of them catches on that I don't want to hear about his visual

hallucinations (aka " the Shekinah glory " that filled the sanctuary as he led the

singing) or her most recent life or death crisis ( " OMG!!!! Something TERRIBLE

has happened and I don't know WHAT to do!!! The CAR needs NEW TIRES!!!! " ) and

they quit bringing it up (as much). And they have never said a thing about less

frequent contact or less information sharing. Truthfully, now that I have grown

a spine and am working on the proverbial " pair " I think my parents are afraid of

me. They also are both too self-absorbed to give a rat's nethers...

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> Has anyone had success with LC? Does anyone speak with their nada regularly

(weekly maybe?) and remain emotionally steady? 

>

> I am trying to imagine a life in which I can include nada a little bit at a

safe distance. I am having a hard time picturing myself getting around her

constant guilt trips that I don't call enough and that she wishes I would come

see her. I'm quite aware that I'm not yet ready to contact her (it's been about

2 months) - just trying to figure out what might be realistic to envision for

the future. 

>

> Thank you to everyone who responded to my post about feeling unbalanced. I

took your advice and started listening to an audiobook during periods when I

know I'm going to be alone with my thoughts for a while. It has helped a lot so

far to get those thoughts right out of my head. 

>

> Thanks.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I've been very low contact for a few months now. I talk to my nada maybe once a

week. I haven't actually seen nada and family since last fall. It's been good

- I've been much more calm when I do talk to nada. It seems to be helping me

set boundries when I'm on the phone with her, as well.

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> Has anyone had success with LC? Does anyone speak with their nada regularly

(weekly maybe?) and remain emotionally steady? 

>

> I am trying to imagine a life in which I can include nada a little bit at a

safe distance. I am having a hard time picturing myself getting around her

constant guilt trips that I don't call enough and that she wishes I would come

see her. I'm quite aware that I'm not yet ready to contact her (it's been about

2 months) - just trying to figure out what might be realistic to envision for

the future. 

>

> Thank you to everyone who responded to my post about feeling unbalanced. I

took your advice and started listening to an audiobook during periods when I

know I'm going to be alone with my thoughts for a while. It has helped a lot so

far to get those thoughts right out of my head. 

>

> Thanks.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I've had LC since Nada freaked out last August and ruined our trip to CO to see

her and NPD, spineless Dad. She excommunicated me for 3 months, and then a short

bit of contact, then several more months. Now I call her maybe once a month, and

am trying to establish a separate relationship with Dad just because--well, no

good reason, really. I don't particularly value a relationship with either of

them--I guess I'm just looking to the future, seeing their eventual illness and

demise, and knowing that, if I'm not in contact with either of them at all, I

will feel terrible and guilty. I know I probably SHOULDN'T, but I know I will.

So I'm doing my best to maintain LC, keep it light and surface-y, and just not

get involved beyond " How's the weather " sort of conversations.

[Guest guest]

Funny how the stress of traveling with a BPD seems to bring us to a place where

we decide on LC or NC.

I'm keeping contact to a minimum for the same reason. Nada and DD are up in

years and I will feel guilty if I am NC with them at the time of their demise. I

try to respect the fact they are fighting their demons as best the can, even if

they made my childhood a living hell. I can reparent myself now, and I don't

need their input.

I try to contact them around the 15th of the month, maybe even meet someplace

neutral for a meal. This normally goes off without a hitch, but sometimes nada

ambushes me, especially over the phone. I am getting pretty good at ending the

conversation if she goes all nada on me.

The point is you've gotta do what is going to work best for you. Not them, you.

I fully understand you not wanting any more guilt in your life.

>

> I've had LC since Nada freaked out last August and ruined our trip to CO to

see her and NPD, spineless Dad. She excommunicated me for 3 months, and then a

short bit of contact, then several more months. Now I call her maybe once a

month, and am trying to establish a separate relationship with Dad just

because--well, no good reason, really. I don't particularly value a relationship

with either of them--I guess I'm just looking to the future, seeing their

eventual illness and demise, and knowing that, if I'm not in contact with either

of them at all, I will feel terrible and guilty. I know I probably SHOULDN'T,

but I know I will. So I'm doing my best to maintain LC, keep it light and

surface-y, and just not get involved beyond " How's the weather " sort of

conversations.

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, there is something about travel that really brings out the worst in my

nada.

Back when I would go on trips with her (Its never going to happen again, ever)

the stress started early: choosing a hotel and getting the arrangements made

would be stressful to nada. Getting her house cleaned, making sure her bills

were paid ahead of time would fill her with anxiety.

Packing for the trip was stressful, and she'd bring more clothes than she could

possibly wear, just so she'd have a choice, and then expect me to drag all her

luggage around as well as mine.

Getting to the airport on time was stressful because she would dawdle and make

us run late. Driving us to our destination wasn't much better; she would

sometimes think we were about to be hit by a car or a truck and she'd scream and

try to grab the steering wheel; I'd wind up a nervous wreck and that did make my

driving less than perfect. She'd be too hot or too cold on the plane or in the

car, would complain about the noise or her seat location, the food, etc.

The time change if there was one would upset her " schedule. " The weather would

upset her if it wasn't perfect.

She'd complain about the room we'd be given, and would want a better room.

She'd get upset and go into a pout or a sulk if we didn't do exactly what she

wanted to do or see, when she wanted to, even if we were sharing expenses or

even if I'd paid for the whole trip, myself; I still had no say so about what

we'd do for fun once we got there. She had to pick the restaurants we ate at.

We'd share a room to cut down on expenses, and she'd snore and talk loudly in

her sleep throughout the night, sometimes even yelling in her sleep, so I'd wind

up nearly catatonic or insane from sleep-deprivation after a few days.

I used to thoroughly dread trips with nada. It was like being punished. Like I

said, I'm never voluntarily going on another one with her, ever again. No

wonder my father drank himself to death less than 10 years after retirement,

when he found himself alone with nada 24/7. I think I would too. GAHHHH!

-Annie

> >

> > I've had LC since Nada freaked out last August and ruined our trip to CO to

see her and NPD, spineless Dad. She excommunicated me for 3 months, and then a

short bit of contact, then several more months. Now I call her maybe once a

month, and am trying to establish a separate relationship with Dad just

because--well, no good reason, really. I don't particularly value a relationship

with either of them--I guess I'm just looking to the future, seeing their

eventual illness and demise, and knowing that, if I'm not in contact with either

of them at all, I will feel terrible and guilty. I know I probably SHOULDN'T,

but I know I will. So I'm doing my best to maintain LC, keep it light and

surface-y, and just not get involved beyond " How's the weather " sort of

conversations.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

just the thought of travelling with my mother -- and she 's been strongly

hinting she wants either my brother or i to " take her " to see her very elderly

mother in South America. (she blames us quite loudly when others take her to

task for not visiting her mother for 20 years. " the kids won't take me! what can

I do?! " )

no freaking way.

> > >

> > > I've had LC since Nada freaked out last August and ruined our trip to CO

to see her and NPD, spineless Dad. She excommunicated me for 3 months, and then

a short bit of contact, then several more months. Now I call her maybe once a

month, and am trying to establish a separate relationship with Dad just

because--well, no good reason, really. I don't particularly value a relationship

with either of them--I guess I'm just looking to the future, seeing their

eventual illness and demise, and knowing that, if I'm not in contact with either

of them at all, I will feel terrible and guilty. I know I probably SHOULDN'T,

but I know I will. So I'm doing my best to maintain LC, keep it light and

surface-y, and just not get involved beyond " How's the weather " sort of

conversations.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think you're wise!

What I described were just domestic travel trips. The three times I took her on

*overseas* trips with me, she had spectacular melt-downs. The first time, it

was just the two of us and I was paying for the whole thing, and she was

critical, bossy and just plain mean to me during the trip AND had a public

melt-down of hysterical crying at the airport RE the return trip. So, I figured

in my typical KO way that it was all my fault, she didn't feel safe or secure

with me alone apparently, so for the next trip I said, " Bring a friend with you,

anyone you like. " She had a hysterical crying jag on that trip too; her friend

was completely bewildered and upset by nada's fit. I had to explain that mom

seemed to be even more emotionally labile than ususal since dad died, etc. The

third and last trip, nada invited our sweet, darling elderly aunt to go with us,

and that's when nada had her first true break with reality that registered with

me. The whole damned trip, nada was convinced that our angelic aunt was being

mean and hateful to her. (Projection, sez I.) That was my first epiphany, the

first time it hit me square between the eyes that something really was seriously

wrong in my mom's head, and her behaviors *weren't my fault.* So, no more trips

for me with nada. The oversea trips made it clear to me.

-Annie

> > > >

> > > > I've had LC since Nada freaked out last August and ruined our trip to CO

to see her and NPD, spineless Dad. She excommunicated me for 3 months, and then

a short bit of contact, then several more months. Now I call her maybe once a

month, and am trying to establish a separate relationship with Dad just

because--well, no good reason, really. I don't particularly value a relationship

with either of them--I guess I'm just looking to the future, seeing their

eventual illness and demise, and knowing that, if I'm not in contact with either

of them at all, I will feel terrible and guilty. I know I probably SHOULDN'T,

but I know I will. So I'm doing my best to maintain LC, keep it light and

surface-y, and just not get involved beyond " How's the weather " sort of

conversations.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think travelling, especially overseas, are huge triggers for my BPD Mom. I

think there is a fear of a lack of control that she cannot bear. She kept saying

" I have a bad feeling about this " so many times before coming to the US (she

cancelled the trip 2 days before) to visit me, said she feared she would get

sick. Which she did.

It seemed like she couldn't feel any joy about the trip. It's sad.

So the lack of control associated with travelling is a huge trigger, and with

travelling, there is separation process (with your familiar environment when you

leave) that is probably very tough for BPD people too.

Anyway, I went NC for a month with my BPD Mom and Dad, which did me a lot of

good. They called a couple days ago.

I am not going to be close to them. I am not ready for it, I do not want it at

this point.

I think it is important to have a plan, when you go LC. If things get bad, know

what you're supposed to do. Get used to hanging up the phone, say you have to

go. Practice these things. They are certainly not easy at first.

But I found with boundaries, the more you practice setting them, the easier it

feels, and the more " normal " it feels.

Last time I saw my BP Mom she had a crisis, threw a fit, and started yelling at

me, calling me names.

I pointed the finger at her and told her " I will not stand you talking to me

this way anymore. I am leaving. "

It was so empowering. I didn't know I could do it. But I did, and she said sorry

right away and calmed down right away.

Next time she yells at me, I know I will have the same reaction and leave the

room.

We got so accustomed to taking the crap, we don't realize we have the RIGHT to

say NO. We have the right to make our own rules. I am not saying I am not going

to fall into her trap again, but I am getting so much better at dealing with

her.

And the funny part was, when I told her in a firm voice " I will let you talk to

me in this manner again, I am leaving the room " , my BP Mom looked at me with

some surprise, as if she didn't know who I was anymore. As if I had acquired a

new voice (which I did), a new weapon.

I knew she realised I had changed, and that mutual understanding at that moment

was very gratifying.

The more I set boundaries, the more I realize how much *SHE* has a problem, it

is her behaviour. It has nothing to do with me.

And same for the phone, if she starts yelling I say " I will not take this. If

you keep screaming I am going to hang up the phone " etc.

Anyway, I hope this words can help.

Coco

[Guest guest]

I'll email my nada back when she emails about something specific, but I've been

avoiding her calls for several months now. I'd like to speak with her on the

phone eventually, but I'm having a hard time making that initial jump. I think

I might email her to say, " We can start talking on the phone every once in

awhile, but under the condition that you don't say anything about how long it's

been since we talked and how suprised you are I answered. " Not sure though.

I'm sure you'll find the right combo for you, but LC has been working for me.

It's much less stressful. She'll probably be pissy at first, but she'll learn

to take what she can get. And they always act like nothing happened after they

give you shit anyway.

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> Has anyone had success with LC? Does anyone speak with their nada regularly

(weekly maybe?) and remain emotionally steady?

>

> I am trying to imagine a life in which I can include nada a little bit at a

safe distance. I am having a hard time picturing myself getting around her

constant guilt trips that I don't call enough and that she wishes I would come

see her. I'm quite aware that I'm not yet ready to contact her (it's been about

2 months) - just trying to figure out what might be realistic to envision for

the future.

>

> Thank you to everyone who responded to my post about feeling unbalanced. I

took your advice and started listening to an audiobook during periods when I

know I'm going to be alone with my thoughts for a while. It has helped a lot so

far to get those thoughts right out of my head.

>

> Thanks.

>

>

>