A diarrhea day

[Guest guest]

It's one of those days when nada is in control and I'm struggling to control my

reaction. You all know what I mean.

Last week I was so pleased because I handled something like an adult. :-) I

had gone over to her place early because she had a morning eye appointment. When

I got there, she was sitting in the dark, head down. When I said hi, she said,

" I almost gave up on you. " I asked what she meant. She said she thought I would

come over early. I explained that I did come over early, we didn't have to leave

for another 30 minutes. She then said with a pouty face, " I thought you'd come

over an hour early so you could listen to me talk. " Yep, really. My first gut

reaction was to apologize but I didn't. I just said we had all day to talk (I

usually spend 5-7 hours with her twice a week running errands and such). She

went on about how horrible her life is, how everything bad happens to her. Blah,

blah, blah.

But today I blew it. This was a nada day where I visit her, run errands,

whatever. She called me about 6 am, said don't come over, said she probably had

a heart attack but it was no big deal. Since she's probably going to die, she

wants the day to shred paper and clean up some stuff. Now I know this is her way

of expressing her anger and loneliness. I mentioned she should call the doctor,

they can do a couple of simple blood tests to see if she had a heart attack. She

said it doesn't matter, it's too late now. Her reason for thinking she had a

heart attack? She wet the bed - at least that's what she says.

Then she went on about her money. She wants to know how much money she has. My

husband and I have been over this so many times with her the past 3 years since

my Dad died. We've made flow charts, got her files cleaned up and in order,

showed her what the various account statements look like (there are 3) and made

a chart for her to fill in when the statements come in. But she just doesn't get

it at all. She just gets mad. She said this morning, " Don't you think I should

know what money I have? " I said sure, just take a look at the statements you

have and you'll have a more updated idea. The chart we made for her to fill in

was last year. We started it for her and she hasn't touched it since.

So I let her have her day to shred God only knows what paper work. She shreds

whatever she doesn't understand which is most everything. But my guts rebelled

and I ended up in the bathroom. My brain tells me what's going on and how I

should respond but my body still reacts in ugly ways. This has happened so many

times before. More recently I let her have her way and be alone. But then the

next day she says, " I thought you might still come over anyway and we could go

out to lunch. " Shoot - you can't have it both ways.

I am so tired. You ever feel like life isn't worth living at times like this?

No, I'm not going to kill myself but I just don't know how much more of this I

can take. Between watching my daughter's crappy marriage and seeing our little

grandson suffer from all that and trying to take care of my nada, it all just

sucks. I wish I wasn't an only child. I wish a doctor would declare her unable

to live alone. I wish, I wish, I wish. . . . .

[Guest guest]

(((((Irene)))))

I understand. Its just so frustrating and horrid. Its truly a no-win

situation. I wish none of us had to deal with this sort of ongoing abuse.

Maybe sooner than later your nada will be considered unable to care for herself

properly and you'll be able to get her into a nursing home. I feel for you.

-Annie

>

> It's one of those days when nada is in control and I'm struggling to control

my reaction. You all know what I mean.

>

> Last week I was so pleased because I handled something like an adult. :-) I

had gone over to her place early because she had a morning eye appointment. When

I got there, she was sitting in the dark, head down. When I said hi, she said,

" I almost gave up on you. " I asked what she meant. She said she thought I would

come over early. I explained that I did come over early, we didn't have to leave

for another 30 minutes. She then said with a pouty face, " I thought you'd come

over an hour early so you could listen to me talk. " Yep, really. My first gut

reaction was to apologize but I didn't. I just said we had all day to talk (I

usually spend 5-7 hours with her twice a week running errands and such). She

went on about how horrible her life is, how everything bad happens to her. Blah,

blah, blah.

>

> But today I blew it. This was a nada day where I visit her, run errands,

whatever. She called me about 6 am, said don't come over, said she probably had

a heart attack but it was no big deal. Since she's probably going to die, she

wants the day to shred paper and clean up some stuff. Now I know this is her way

of expressing her anger and loneliness. I mentioned she should call the doctor,

they can do a couple of simple blood tests to see if she had a heart attack. She

said it doesn't matter, it's too late now. Her reason for thinking she had a

heart attack? She wet the bed - at least that's what she says.

>

> Then she went on about her money. She wants to know how much money she has. My

husband and I have been over this so many times with her the past 3 years since

my Dad died. We've made flow charts, got her files cleaned up and in order,

showed her what the various account statements look like (there are 3) and made

a chart for her to fill in when the statements come in. But she just doesn't get

it at all. She just gets mad. She said this morning, " Don't you think I should

know what money I have? " I said sure, just take a look at the statements you

have and you'll have a more updated idea. The chart we made for her to fill in

was last year. We started it for her and she hasn't touched it since.

>

> So I let her have her day to shred God only knows what paper work. She shreds

whatever she doesn't understand which is most everything. But my guts rebelled

and I ended up in the bathroom. My brain tells me what's going on and how I

should respond but my body still reacts in ugly ways. This has happened so many

times before. More recently I let her have her way and be alone. But then the

next day she says, " I thought you might still come over anyway and we could go

out to lunch. " Shoot - you can't have it both ways.

>

> I am so tired. You ever feel like life isn't worth living at times like this?

No, I'm not going to kill myself but I just don't know how much more of this I

can take. Between watching my daughter's crappy marriage and seeing our little

grandson suffer from all that and trying to take care of my nada, it all just

sucks. I wish I wasn't an only child. I wish a doctor would declare her unable

to live alone. I wish, I wish, I wish. . . . .

>

[Guest guest]

Irene,

You have just described the exact circumstances that I fear for my own future as

an only child.... stuck as the caretaker with no one to help. I feel so much

sympathy for you! My husband and I did the same thing for my nada - we spent

three days at her house getting her finances in order this past January. She has

all the tools laid out clearly for her and still does not take responsibility.

She just wants me and my husband to do it for her - she doesn't want to take

care of herself.... she likes being dependent much better... gives her lots of

reasons to get attention from us. Â

It's terrible that taking care of your nada should be such thankless and

agonizing work. And to have other problems with other family members in your

life... the stress starts to really pile on. I hope you are making time to take

care of yourself. You have more than earned it!!

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, June 20, 2011 12:45 PM

Subject: A diarrhea day

Â

It's one of those days when nada is in control and I'm struggling to control my

reaction. You all know what I mean.

Last week I was so pleased because I handled something like an adult. :-) I

had gone over to her place early because she had a morning eye appointment. When

I got there, she was sitting in the dark, head down. When I said hi, she said,

" I almost gave up on you. " I asked what she meant. She said she thought I would

come over early. I explained that I did come over early, we didn't have to leave

for another 30 minutes. She then said with a pouty face, " I thought you'd come

over an hour early so you could listen to me talk. " Yep, really. My first gut

reaction was to apologize but I didn't. I just said we had all day to talk (I

usually spend 5-7 hours with her twice a week running errands and such). She

went on about how horrible her life is, how everything bad happens to her. Blah,

blah, blah.

But today I blew it. This was a nada day where I visit her, run errands,

whatever. She called me about 6 am, said don't come over, said she probably had

a heart attack but it was no big deal. Since she's probably going to die, she

wants the day to shred paper and clean up some stuff. Now I know this is her way

of expressing her anger and loneliness. I mentioned she should call the doctor,

they can do a couple of simple blood tests to see if she had a heart attack. She

said it doesn't matter, it's too late now. Her reason for thinking she had a

heart attack? She wet the bed - at least that's what she says.

Then she went on about her money. She wants to know how much money she has. My

husband and I have been over this so many times with her the past 3 years since

my Dad died. We've made flow charts, got her files cleaned up and in order,

showed her what the various account statements look like (there are 3) and made

a chart for her to fill in when the statements come in. But she just doesn't get

it at all. She just gets mad. She said this morning, " Don't you think I should

know what money I have? " I said sure, just take a look at the statements you

have and you'll have a more updated idea. The chart we made for her to fill in

was last year. We started it for her and she hasn't touched it since.

So I let her have her day to shred God only knows what paper work. She shreds

whatever she doesn't understand which is most everything. But my guts rebelled

and I ended up in the bathroom. My brain tells me what's going on and how I

should respond but my body still reacts in ugly ways. This has happened so many

times before. More recently I let her have her way and be alone. But then the

next day she says, " I thought you might still come over anyway and we could go

out to lunch. " Shoot - you can't have it both ways.

I am so tired. You ever feel like life isn't worth living at times like this?

No, I'm not going to kill myself but I just don't know how much more of this I

can take. Between watching my daughter's crappy marriage and seeing our little

grandson suffer from all that and trying to take care of my nada, it all just

sucks. I wish I wasn't an only child. I wish a doctor would declare her unable

to live alone. I wish, I wish, I wish. . . . .

[Guest guest]

Irne - May I make a suggestion here? I've recently written about being on the

" other side " of the elderly Nada dilemma - after YEARS of living alone, with

disastrous (but entirely predictable) results, my Nada is now in assisted living

and it's costing me a fortune, but most of the time she's off my back. During

the time she lived alone, she tried repeatedly to suck me into the type of

personal servitude you're stuck in right now. If I went to visit, she needed me

for chores. If I did chores, she needed me for her paperwork. If I did the

paperwork, she needed me to listen to her tales of woe for hours on end. It was

exhausting and depressing, and I just refused to do it - because the whole time

she was whining about needing help, she insisted that she was fully capable of

living independently.

Here's the thing - for some of the chores you're doing, there are people you can

enlist. She is likely to behave better around them than she does around you,

the social interaction will do her good (she sounds like kind of a hermity

waif), and - this is important - you will have a larger circle of people who are

observing her behavior. When it's time to put her in a home, you will have

backup to confirm (for you and for anybody else who needs to know) that she

really can't live alone any more. Waiting for her doctor to declare her unfit

to live alone may take a lot longer - she may not see her doctor very often,

probably not for very long, and she may " make an effort " when she sees the

doctor. There may be a patient local bank branch employee who is willing to go

over her statements with her, or a home health agency that will send people to

check on her and do some light housekeeping. If you check with a local Council

on Aging or some such group, you may find some help. It would provide some

" baseline information " about how she acts (compared with how other people her

age act), and get her out of your hair a little more. You might have to pay for

these services, but they may be covered by her Medicare or other insurance.

If you do this, she will almost certainly tell the entire world that she " has to

hire people because her daughter doesn't love her... " - but who cares? YOU

won't be there to listen to it!

>

> Irene,

> You have just described the exact circumstances that I fear for my own future

as an only child.... stuck as the caretaker with no one to help. I feel so much

sympathy for you! My husband and I did the same thing for my nada - we spent

three days at her house getting her finances in order this past January. She has

all the tools laid out clearly for her and still does not take responsibility.

She just wants me and my husband to do it for her - she doesn't want to take

care of herself.... she likes being dependent much better... gives her lots of

reasons to get attention from us. Â

> It's terrible that taking care of your nada should be such thankless and

agonizing work. And to have other problems with other family members in your

life... the stress starts to really pile on. I hope you are making time to take

care of yourself. You have more than earned it!!

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Monday, June 20, 2011 12:45 PM

> Subject: A diarrhea day

>

>

> Â

> It's one of those days when nada is in control and I'm struggling to control

my reaction. You all know what I mean.

>

> Last week I was so pleased because I handled something like an adult. :-) I

had gone over to her place early because she had a morning eye appointment. When

I got there, she was sitting in the dark, head down. When I said hi, she said,

" I almost gave up on you. " I asked what she meant. She said she thought I would

come over early. I explained that I did come over early, we didn't have to leave

for another 30 minutes. She then said with a pouty face, " I thought you'd come

over an hour early so you could listen to me talk. " Yep, really. My first gut

reaction was to apologize but I didn't. I just said we had all day to talk (I

usually spend 5-7 hours with her twice a week running errands and such). She

went on about how horrible her life is, how everything bad happens to her. Blah,

blah, blah.

>

> But today I blew it. This was a nada day where I visit her, run errands,

whatever. She called me about 6 am, said don't come over, said she probably had

a heart attack but it was no big deal. Since she's probably going to die, she

wants the day to shred paper and clean up some stuff. Now I know this is her way

of expressing her anger and loneliness. I mentioned she should call the doctor,

they can do a couple of simple blood tests to see if she had a heart attack. She

said it doesn't matter, it's too late now. Her reason for thinking she had a

heart attack? She wet the bed - at least that's what she says.

>

> Then she went on about her money. She wants to know how much money she has. My

husband and I have been over this so many times with her the past 3 years since

my Dad died. We've made flow charts, got her files cleaned up and in order,

showed her what the various account statements look like (there are 3) and made

a chart for her to fill in when the statements come in. But she just doesn't get

it at all. She just gets mad. She said this morning, " Don't you think I should

know what money I have? " I said sure, just take a look at the statements you

have and you'll have a more updated idea. The chart we made for her to fill in

was last year. We started it for her and she hasn't touched it since.

>

> So I let her have her day to shred God only knows what paper work. She shreds

whatever she doesn't understand which is most everything. But my guts rebelled

and I ended up in the bathroom. My brain tells me what's going on and how I

should respond but my body still reacts in ugly ways. This has happened so many

times before. More recently I let her have her way and be alone. But then the

next day she says, " I thought you might still come over anyway and we could go

out to lunch. " Shoot - you can't have it both ways.

>

> I am so tired. You ever feel like life isn't worth living at times like this?

No, I'm not going to kill myself but I just don't know how much more of this I

can take. Between watching my daughter's crappy marriage and seeing our little

grandson suffer from all that and trying to take care of my nada, it all just

sucks. I wish I wasn't an only child. I wish a doctor would declare her unable

to live alone. I wish, I wish, I wish. . . . .

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I second this. there are many adult care agencies that can run her tot he doctor

and places like that. I also found out when caring for my elderly grandmother

that in that county they would pay a person to care for their own relative, you

just had to submit a schedule to them with the hours and times that was

consistent. It wasn't very much, maybe minimum wage, but at least that is

something. I think shirley is right, the wider circle of people observing her,

the better. Hugs.

> >

> > Irene,

> > You have just described the exact circumstances that I fear for my own

future as an only child.... stuck as the caretaker with no one to help. I feel

so much sympathy for you! My husband and I did the same thing for my nada - we

spent three days at her house getting her finances in order this past January.

She has all the tools laid out clearly for her and still does not take

responsibility. She just wants me and my husband to do it for her - she doesn't

want to take care of herself.... she likes being dependent much better... gives

her lots of reasons to get attention from us. Â

> > It's terrible that taking care of your nada should be such thankless and

agonizing work. And to have other problems with other family members in your

life... the stress starts to really pile on. I hope you are making time to take

care of yourself. You have more than earned it!!

> >

> >

> >

> > ________________________________

> > From: IreneM <ireneo55@>

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Sent: Monday, June 20, 2011 12:45 PM

> > Subject: A diarrhea day

> >

> >

> > Â

> > It's one of those days when nada is in control and I'm struggling to control

my reaction. You all know what I mean.

> >

> > Last week I was so pleased because I handled something like an adult. :-)

I had gone over to her place early because she had a morning eye appointment.

When I got there, she was sitting in the dark, head down. When I said hi, she

said, " I almost gave up on you. " I asked what she meant. She said she thought I

would come over early. I explained that I did come over early, we didn't have to

leave for another 30 minutes. She then said with a pouty face, " I thought you'd

come over an hour early so you could listen to me talk. " Yep, really. My first

gut reaction was to apologize but I didn't. I just said we had all day to talk

(I usually spend 5-7 hours with her twice a week running errands and such). She

went on about how horrible her life is, how everything bad happens to her. Blah,

blah, blah.

> >

> > But today I blew it. This was a nada day where I visit her, run errands,

whatever. She called me about 6 am, said don't come over, said she probably had

a heart attack but it was no big deal. Since she's probably going to die, she

wants the day to shred paper and clean up some stuff. Now I know this is her way

of expressing her anger and loneliness. I mentioned she should call the doctor,

they can do a couple of simple blood tests to see if she had a heart attack. She

said it doesn't matter, it's too late now. Her reason for thinking she had a

heart attack? She wet the bed - at least that's what she says.

> >

> > Then she went on about her money. She wants to know how much money she has.

My husband and I have been over this so many times with her the past 3 years

since my Dad died. We've made flow charts, got her files cleaned up and in

order, showed her what the various account statements look like (there are 3)

and made a chart for her to fill in when the statements come in. But she just

doesn't get it at all. She just gets mad. She said this morning, " Don't you

think I should know what money I have? " I said sure, just take a look at the

statements you have and you'll have a more updated idea. The chart we made for

her to fill in was last year. We started it for her and she hasn't touched it

since.

> >

> > So I let her have her day to shred God only knows what paper work. She

shreds whatever she doesn't understand which is most everything. But my guts

rebelled and I ended up in the bathroom. My brain tells me what's going on and

how I should respond but my body still reacts in ugly ways. This has happened so

many times before. More recently I let her have her way and be alone. But then

the next day she says, " I thought you might still come over anyway and we could

go out to lunch. " Shoot - you can't have it both ways.

> >

> > I am so tired. You ever feel like life isn't worth living at times like

this? No, I'm not going to kill myself but I just don't know how much more of

this I can take. Between watching my daughter's crappy marriage and seeing our

little grandson suffer from all that and trying to take care of my nada, it all

just sucks. I wish I wasn't an only child. I wish a doctor would declare her

unable to live alone. I wish, I wish, I wish. . . . .

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

OMG, this sounds like absolute holy HELL. I don't know how anyone can stand

this once a week, let alone twice a week.

The only thing with these wonderful services, as I am finding out with my own

situation, is that they are for people who either are absolutely destitute, and

I mean destitute, or they are for people with money. For people with a little

bit of money, you cannot get much help.

For your own sanity, it sounds like you need to find some ways to cut back a

bit. I started taking the checkbook with me and working on my elderly mentally

ill relatives' bills in front of the TV, at HOME. I will still have them around

my neck the rest of my life, but spending all day once a week with them on top

of everything else I had to do, just amounted to a life that really wasn't worth

living anymore. If you let these people dictate your every move--which they

WANT to do--your life will become miserable.

It's still not great here, but it's better than it was.

Good luck. I feel sorry for you.

--Doin' The Same **** Thing In VA

[Guest guest]

You are so right, if my nada were eligible for Medicaid there's a ton of

services she could get. She could basically have every need met for free but

she's got just enough money that she's not that poor. But not so much money

that paying for lots of services won't clean her out.

>

> OMG, this sounds like absolute holy HELL. I don't know how anyone can stand

this once a week, let alone twice a week.

>

> The only thing with these wonderful services, as I am finding out with my own

situation, is that they are for people who either are absolutely destitute, and

I mean destitute, or they are for people with money. For people with a little

bit of money, you cannot get much help.

>

> For your own sanity, it sounds like you need to find some ways to cut back a

bit. I started taking the checkbook with me and working on my elderly mentally

ill relatives' bills in front of the TV, at HOME. I will still have them around

my neck the rest of my life, but spending all day once a week with them on top

of everything else I had to do, just amounted to a life that really wasn't worth

living anymore. If you let these people dictate your every move--which they

WANT to do--your life will become miserable.

>

> It's still not great here, but it's better than it was.

>

> Good luck. I feel sorry for you.

>

> --Doin' The Same **** Thing In VA

>

[Guest guest]

Hugs to you Irene. I've had this happen too. Sometimes the body insists on

speaking the truth no matter how hard we try to be strong, brave, and " do the

right thing " .

Eliza

>

> It's one of those days when nada is in control and I'm struggling to control

my reaction. You all know what I mean.

>

> Last week I was so pleased because I handled something like an adult. :-) I

had gone over to her place early because she had a morning eye appointment. When

I got there, she was sitting in the dark, head down. When I said hi, she said,

" I almost gave up on you. " I asked what she meant. She said she thought I would

come over early. I explained that I did come over early, we didn't have to leave

for another 30 minutes. She then said with a pouty face, " I thought you'd come

over an hour early so you could listen to me talk. " Yep, really. My first gut

reaction was to apologize but I didn't. I just said we had all day to talk (I

usually spend 5-7 hours with her twice a week running errands and such). She

went on about how horrible her life is, how everything bad happens to her. Blah,

blah, blah.

>

> But today I blew it. This was a nada day where I visit her, run errands,

whatever. She called me about 6 am, said don't come over, said she probably had

a heart attack but it was no big deal. Since she's probably going to die, she

wants the day to shred paper and clean up some stuff. Now I know this is her way

of expressing her anger and loneliness. I mentioned she should call the doctor,

they can do a couple of simple blood tests to see if she had a heart attack. She

said it doesn't matter, it's too late now. Her reason for thinking she had a

heart attack? She wet the bed - at least that's what she says.

>

> Then she went on about her money. She wants to know how much money she has. My

husband and I have been over this so many times with her the past 3 years since

my Dad died. We've made flow charts, got her files cleaned up and in order,

showed her what the various account statements look like (there are 3) and made

a chart for her to fill in when the statements come in. But she just doesn't get

it at all. She just gets mad. She said this morning, " Don't you think I should

know what money I have? " I said sure, just take a look at the statements you

have and you'll have a more updated idea. The chart we made for her to fill in

was last year. We started it for her and she hasn't touched it since.

>

> So I let her have her day to shred God only knows what paper work. She shreds

whatever she doesn't understand which is most everything. But my guts rebelled

and I ended up in the bathroom. My brain tells me what's going on and how I

should respond but my body still reacts in ugly ways. This has happened so many

times before. More recently I let her have her way and be alone. But then the

next day she says, " I thought you might still come over anyway and we could go

out to lunch. " Shoot - you can't have it both ways.

>

> I am so tired. You ever feel like life isn't worth living at times like this?

No, I'm not going to kill myself but I just don't know how much more of this I

can take. Between watching my daughter's crappy marriage and seeing our little

grandson suffer from all that and trying to take care of my nada, it all just

sucks. I wish I wasn't an only child. I wish a doctor would declare her unable

to live alone. I wish, I wish, I wish. . . . .

>

[Guest guest]

Irene,

's post has some excellent advice. When I was reading your initial post, I

felt the overwhelming burden that's on your shoulders, the helplessness you must

be feeling.

I hope you can find a local support group that can help you set up something

like this to help. Especially attractive is the part about having a bigger

network of people who can observe her. I know in my grandmother's case, her Dr

was lax in identifying when it was time for her to give up independent living.

By then she had gotten into trouble with bill collectors and the IRS, while

sitting on 1.25 million in the bank. Her house was filthy and cluttered, as was

her appearance. She was suffering dementia from mini-strokes. Removing her from

her home was long past due.

Take care & hugs~

>

> Irne - May I make a suggestion here? I've recently written about being on the

" other side " of the elderly Nada dilemma - after YEARS of living alone, with

disastrous (but entirely predictable) results, my Nada is now in assisted living

and it's costing me a fortune, but most of the time she's off my back. During

the time she lived alone, she tried repeatedly to suck me into the type of

personal servitude you're stuck in right now. If I went to visit, she needed me

for chores. If I did chores, she needed me for her paperwork. If I did the

paperwork, she needed me to listen to her tales of woe for hours on end. It was

exhausting and depressing, and I just refused to do it - because the whole time

she was whining about needing help, she insisted that she was fully capable of

living independently.

>

> Here's the thing - for some of the chores you're doing, there are people you

can enlist. She is likely to behave better around them than she does around

you, the social interaction will do her good (she sounds like kind of a hermity

waif), and - this is important - you will have a larger circle of people who are

observing her behavior. When it's time to put her in a home, you will have

backup to confirm (for you and for anybody else who needs to know) that she

really can't live alone any more. Waiting for her doctor to declare her unfit

to live alone may take a lot longer - she may not see her doctor very often,

probably not for very long, and she may " make an effort " when she sees the

doctor. There may be a patient local bank branch employee who is willing to go

over her statements with her, or a home health agency that will send people to

check on her and do some light housekeeping. If you check with a local Council

on Aging or some such group, you may find some help. It would provide some

" baseline information " about how she acts (compared with how other people her

age act), and get her out of your hair a little more. You might have to pay for

these services, but they may be covered by her Medicare or other insurance.

>

> If you do this, she will almost certainly tell the entire world that she " has

to hire people because her daughter doesn't love her... " - but who cares? YOU

won't be there to listen to it!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

" ...she was sitting in the dark, head down. When I said hi, she said, " I almost

gave up on you. " I asked what she meant. She said she thought I would come over

early. I explained that I did come over early, we didn't have to leave for

another 30 minutes. She then said with a pouty face, " I thought you'd come over

an hour early so you could listen to me talk. "

Reading this gave me stomach cramps. That is exactly how my mother is. Eeyore,

martyr, waif, nothing's ever good enough.

My daughter's school basketball team has a team shirt that says, " All it takes

is everything you've got. " Well, that should be our mothers' " team " shirt.

Because that's what they want. And even then, it's not enough.

You are a saint. 5 to 7 hours with her TWICE a week? Is there any way someone

else can take over for you for one of those days? I really feel for you.

At the very least, maybe you could reduce those hours to 2 hours twice a week.

Hugs,

Fiona

>

> It's one of those days when nada is in control and I'm struggling to control

my reaction. You all know what I mean.

>

> Last week I was so pleased because I handled something like an adult. :-) I

had gone over to her place early because she had a morning eye appointment. When

I got there, she was sitting in the dark, head down. When I said hi, she said,

" I almost gave up on you. " I asked what she meant. She said she thought I would

come over early. I explained that I did come over early, we didn't have to leave

for another 30 minutes. She then said with a pouty face, " I thought you'd come

over an hour early so you could listen to me talk. " Yep, really. My first gut

reaction was to apologize but I didn't. I just said we had all day to talk (I

usually spend 5-7 hours with her twice a week running errands and such). She

went on about how horrible her life is, how everything bad happens to her. Blah,

blah, blah.

>

> But today I blew it. This was a nada day where I visit her, run errands,

whatever. She called me about 6 am, said don't come over, said she probably had

a heart attack but it was no big deal. Since she's probably going to die, she

wants the day to shred paper and clean up some stuff. Now I know this is her way

of expressing her anger and loneliness. I mentioned she should call the doctor,

they can do a couple of simple blood tests to see if she had a heart attack. She

said it doesn't matter, it's too late now. Her reason for thinking she had a

heart attack? She wet the bed - at least that's what she says.

>

> Then she went on about her money. She wants to know how much money she has. My

husband and I have been over this so many times with her the past 3 years since

my Dad died. We've made flow charts, got her files cleaned up and in order,

showed her what the various account statements look like (there are 3) and made

a chart for her to fill in when the statements come in. But she just doesn't get

it at all. She just gets mad. She said this morning, " Don't you think I should

know what money I have? " I said sure, just take a look at the statements you

have and you'll have a more updated idea. The chart we made for her to fill in

was last year. We started it for her and she hasn't touched it since.

>

> So I let her have her day to shred God only knows what paper work. She shreds

whatever she doesn't understand which is most everything. But my guts rebelled

and I ended up in the bathroom. My brain tells me what's going on and how I

should respond but my body still reacts in ugly ways. This has happened so many

times before. More recently I let her have her way and be alone. But then the

next day she says, " I thought you might still come over anyway and we could go

out to lunch. " Shoot - you can't have it both ways.

>

> I am so tired. You ever feel like life isn't worth living at times like this?

No, I'm not going to kill myself but I just don't know how much more of this I

can take. Between watching my daughter's crappy marriage and seeing our little

grandson suffer from all that and trying to take care of my nada, it all just

sucks. I wish I wasn't an only child. I wish a doctor would declare her unable

to live alone. I wish, I wish, I wish. . . . .

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks to all who put up with my complaining. Today is another day of her

emotional melt down stuff all because she doesn't know how to use a phone (she

called the phone company to complain). She thinks her life is over. She informed

me she had all kinds of problems yesterday but that's OK, her neighbor helped

her. This is the neighbor who keeps telling my Mom we're abusing her because we

don't do everything for her. Talk about a flying monkey! Geez, I thought I was

through with the melodrama when my kids grew out of their teen years. But this

is what I get for daring to go to the beach for the first time this year. A

whole day to myself. What a selfish pig I am.

Anyway, you're right that I should look into more of the hired help at her

house. She talks about hiring someone to come clean the house for her. I know

how that will end up. She'll complain about how they bump the furniture with the

vacuum, don't dust the venetian blinds or whatever. I know because I got yelled

at as a kid for those very things. If I missed a piece of lint, she yelled that

I was trying to kill her.

I used to worry about her hiring random people to do work for her because she's

been ripped off before. Yard people helping themselves to tools in the garage

(taking them home), being over-charged. I've tried to protect her but I'm not

sure I can any more or even want to. Perhaps I will look into senior groups that

have helpers that have been screened and should be fairly safe.

She is going to the doctor tomorrow unless she cancels. She's in a very " victim "

mode right now. Maybe they can give her some happy pills or something. She's on

anti-depressants but they sure aren't working.

>

> Irne - May I make a suggestion here? I've recently written about being on the

" other side " of the elderly Nada dilemma - after YEARS of living alone, with

disastrous (but entirely predictable) results, my Nada is now in assisted living

and it's costing me a fortune, but most of the time she's off my back. During

the time she lived alone, she tried repeatedly to suck me into the type of

personal servitude you're stuck in right now. If I went to visit, she needed me

for chores. If I did chores, she needed me for her paperwork. If I did the

paperwork, she needed me to listen to her tales of woe for hours on end. It was

exhausting and depressing, and I just refused to do it - because the whole time

she was whining about needing help, she insisted that she was fully capable of

living independently.

>

> Here's the thing - for some of the chores you're doing, there are people you

can enlist. She is likely to behave better around them than she does around

you, the social interaction will do her good (she sounds like kind of a hermity

waif), and - this is important - you will have a larger circle of people who are

observing her behavior. When it's time to put her in a home, you will have

backup to confirm (for you and for anybody else who needs to know) that she

really can't live alone any more. Waiting for her doctor to declare her unfit

to live alone may take a lot longer - she may not see her doctor very often,

probably not for very long, and she may " make an effort " when she sees the

doctor. There may be a patient local bank branch employee who is willing to go

over her statements with her, or a home health agency that will send people to

check on her and do some light housekeeping. If you check with a local Council

on Aging or some such group, you may find some help. It would provide some

" baseline information " about how she acts (compared with how other people her

age act), and get her out of your hair a little more. You might have to pay for

these services, but they may be covered by her Medicare or other insurance.

>

> If you do this, she will almost certainly tell the entire world that she " has

to hire people because her daughter doesn't love her... " - but who cares? YOU

won't be there to listen to it!

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm still catching up on responses to my gripe fest. You all are so

understanding and supportive. So many different viewpoints and bits of

information that help very much. This is probably the only place we can come and

be fully understood. Nada is so great at being smiley and goofy out in public.

It takes quite awhile for people to catch on that she's got a mean streak in

there. And they would never understand what a lifetime with her is like.

I'm trying to put myself in her place - losing control as she ages, feeling the

fear of losing control, the body giving out. But her behavior goes beyond that.

I know plenty of older people in their 80's and 90's. Sure they move slower, I

have to speak a little louder. But they're so NICE! My nada thinks her life is

the worst on the planet.

Enough. You all have your own family members to deal with. You all know the gory

details. But it felt so good to let it hang out. The story sounds like such a

small deal until you have to live with it week after week, year after year.

Urrggh.

>

> " ...she was sitting in the dark, head down. When I said hi, she said, " I

almost gave up on you. " I asked what she meant. She said she thought I would

come over early. I explained that I did come over early, we didn't have to leave

for another 30 minutes. She then said with a pouty face, " I thought you'd come

over an hour early so you could listen to me talk. "

>

> Reading this gave me stomach cramps. That is exactly how my mother is.

Eeyore, martyr, waif, nothing's ever good enough.

>

> My daughter's school basketball team has a team shirt that says, " All it takes

is everything you've got. " Well, that should be our mothers' " team " shirt.

Because that's what they want. And even then, it's not enough.

>

> You are a saint. 5 to 7 hours with her TWICE a week? Is there any way someone

else can take over for you for one of those days? I really feel for you.

>

> At the very least, maybe you could reduce those hours to 2 hours twice a week.

>

> Hugs,

>

> Fiona

>

>

[Guest guest]

Exactly. The things we share here are frustrating, stressful and abusive

because they represent a long-term *pattern* of negative, toxic behaviors, not

just a single incident.

Its very difficult to even want to maintain a relationship with my mother after

a lifetime's worth of being told (directly and indirectly) that I'm not good

enough, not smart enough, not successful enough, and not giving nada enough

attention, care, status, and entertainment. I grew up feeling very shamed and

inadequate because of this, and frankly after a while I just got to the point

of saying, " Enough is enough. I'm done. "

Sister and I will make sure nada is cared for as best we can, in an assisted

living residence or in nursing care when the time comes, but that doesn't mean

either of us can or will provide the care personally.

-Annie

> >

> > " ...she was sitting in the dark, head down. When I said hi, she said, " I

almost gave up on you. " I asked what she meant. She said she thought I would

come over early. I explained that I did come over early, we didn't have to leave

for another 30 minutes. She then said with a pouty face, " I thought you'd come

over an hour early so you could listen to me talk. "

> >

> > Reading this gave me stomach cramps. That is exactly how my mother is.

Eeyore, martyr, waif, nothing's ever good enough.

> >

> > My daughter's school basketball team has a team shirt that says, " All it

takes is everything you've got. " Well, that should be our mothers' " team "

shirt. Because that's what they want. And even then, it's not enough.

> >

> > You are a saint. 5 to 7 hours with her TWICE a week? Is there any way

someone else can take over for you for one of those days? I really feel for

you.

> >

> > At the very least, maybe you could reduce those hours to 2 hours twice a

week.

> >

> > Hugs,

> >

> > Fiona

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Trouble is, unless you have lots and lots of money, you will be providing at

least some care personally, because getting someone else to do it is expensive.

Not only that, but some things a family member or legal guardian has to do.

There are services that will take over these functions...for a hefty price tag.

I am on my way right now to argue with the assisted living home who is trying to

charge my great aunt $700 extra a month for services she apparently isn't

getting. It looks like my third summer in a row will be ruined, having to move

yet another old person to yet another residence. This is what you have to look

forward to, if there isn't a *very* comfortable sum of money in the picture.

" Nada is so great at being smiley and goofy out in public. It takes quite awhile

for people to catch on that she's got a mean streak in there. And they would

never understand what a lifetime with her is like. "

My nada is exactly like that. EXACTLY.

--.

[Guest guest]

After my Dad died and she shut down, didn't want to think about any of it or

deal with it, we spent several months sorting through tons of paperwork just to

find what policies and money they had. We managed to set up annuities for her

that earned good interest. So she has a cushion of money but not a lot. It would

only last about a year or two of assisted care. And we sure can't afford

$2-3,000 a month for her. I guess that's why we want her to stay in her home

besides the fact that she would fight us tooth and nail if we tried to move her.

We can find reasonably priced people to help with house work or yard work. The

last yard guys only charged $26 to mow and edge the yard. But she fired them.

That's about 8 yard guys she's fired. The bigger trick is keeping her nose out

of it all. We can find the help but she fires them as fast as we find them.

>

> Trouble is, unless you have lots and lots of money, you will be providing at

least some care personally, because getting someone else to do it is expensive.

Not only that, but some things a family member or legal guardian has to do.

There are services that will take over these functions...for a hefty price tag.

>

> I am on my way right now to argue with the assisted living home who is trying

to charge my great aunt $700 extra a month for services she apparently isn't

getting. It looks like my third summer in a row will be ruined, having to move

yet another old person to yet another residence. This is what you have to look

forward to, if there isn't a *very* comfortable sum of money in the picture.

>

> " Nada is so great at being smiley and goofy out in public. It takes quite

awhile for people to catch on that she's got a mean streak in there. And they

would never understand what a lifetime with her is like. "

>

> My nada is exactly like that. EXACTLY.

>

> --.

>

[Guest guest]

Do you have Power of Attorney? If you have financial power of attorney (which

you need anyway if you're having to handle her finances, get info on insurance

policies, etc), then you should have the authority to hire and fire the

gardeners or anybody else,and pay them out of her accounts (and of course, you

have to be very responsible with her money and keep immaculate records). Yes,

she can stand on the porch and scream at the gardeners, but that just makes her

look crazier. If you're hiring them, and you have the authority to pay them

(which you'd get with a financial PoA), then YOU would be the only one to fire

them. Of course, they could quit because she makes them miserable... If you

don't have this authority in place NOW, you might want to talk to a lawyer about

it before she gets any more demented. It could ease your workload to be able to

hire help and pay for it without having Nada's OK on every transaction.

My mom did the same thing with several home health agency people. She'd " run

them off " because she either complained about them (because they insisted on

doing their jobs instead of giving her manicures, or they couldn't operate in

that hoarded, filthy mess),or they'd quit because she was so impossible. So

that led to her not being able to live alone.

Basically, when she was running her own show, she eliminated all sources of

help, systematically, until it was down to me.

> >

> > Trouble is, unless you have lots and lots of money, you will be providing at

least some care personally, because getting someone else to do it is expensive.

Not only that, but some things a family member or legal guardian has to do.

There are services that will take over these functions...for a hefty price tag.

> >

> > I am on my way right now to argue with the assisted living home who is

trying to charge my great aunt $700 extra a month for services she apparently

isn't getting. It looks like my third summer in a row will be ruined, having to

move yet another old person to yet another residence. This is what you have to

look forward to, if there isn't a *very* comfortable sum of money in the

picture.

> >

> > " Nada is so great at being smiley and goofy out in public. It takes quite

awhile for people to catch on that she's got a mean streak in there. And they

would never understand what a lifetime with her is like. "

> >

> > My nada is exactly like that. EXACTLY.

> >

> > --.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

If she is firing everyone that you hire, it sounds like she is purposely doing

this to keep you from getting the yard work issue settled, keeping YOU

constantly focused on this.

What would happen if the yard work didn't get done? Would the city get involved

and either cut the grass and send her a bill or maybe bring a social worker out

to figure out what her problem is?

If this is the case, maybe you should give her 3 choices: 1) pick one of the

fired yard workers she liked best and call them back, 2)figure out how to do the

work on her own, or 3) face the consequences imposed by the city.

If the city won't get involved, let her sit in an overgrown weed bed!

> >

> > Trouble is, unless you have lots and lots of money, you will be providing at

least some care personally, because getting someone else to do it is expensive.

Not only that, but some things a family member or legal guardian has to do.

There are services that will take over these functions...for a hefty price tag.

> >

> > I am on my way right now to argue with the assisted living home who is

trying to charge my great aunt $700 extra a month for services she apparently

isn't getting. It looks like my third summer in a row will be ruined, having to

move yet another old person to yet another residence. This is what you have to

look forward to, if there isn't a *very* comfortable sum of money in the

picture.

> >

> > " Nada is so great at being smiley and goofy out in public. It takes quite

awhile for people to catch on that she's got a mean streak in there. And they

would never understand what a lifetime with her is like. "

> >

> > My nada is exactly like that. EXACTLY.

> >

> > --.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I don't have power of attorney. When we went to her attorney after my Dad died

and got things straightened out, the P of A was set up that if 2 doctors

determine she is unable to care for herself, then they will document it and then

I would have P of A. Otherwise she is in charge.

She did see her old doctor (quite literally because he's retired, only comes in

once a week to see a few patients, collect money) a few days ago. She called

them saying she had a heart attack because she wet the bed. Of course they

insisted she come in. I had to do the driving which is fine. The doctor looked

at her, said she didn't have a heart attack, did a blood test and sent her home.

She was so happy. That was it. He's not interested enough to do any evaluation

and she won't go to another doctor (I've tried to talk her into get another

opinion). This doctor she's had for years does her colonoscopies. He's a butt

doctor.

>

> Do you have Power of Attorney? If you have financial power of attorney (which

you need anyway if you're having to handle her finances, get info on insurance

policies, etc), then you should have the authority to hire and fire the

gardeners or anybody else,and pay them out of her accounts (and of course, you

have to be very responsible with her money and keep immaculate records). Yes,

she can stand on the porch and scream at the gardeners, but that just makes her

look crazier. If you're hiring them, and you have the authority to pay them

(which you'd get with a financial PoA), then YOU would be the only one to fire

them. Of course, they could quit because she makes them miserable... If you

don't have this authority in place NOW, you might want to talk to a lawyer about

it before she gets any more demented. It could ease your workload to be able to

hire help and pay for it without having Nada's OK on every transaction.

>

> My mom did the same thing with several home health agency people. She'd " run

them off " because she either complained about them (because they insisted on

doing their jobs instead of giving her manicures, or they couldn't operate in

that hoarded, filthy mess),or they'd quit because she was so impossible. So

that led to her not being able to live alone.

>

> Basically, when she was running her own show, she eliminated all sources of

help, systematically, until it was down to me.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Last year my husband tried to keep up on her yard. He only has one free day a

week to do this. But too often he would go over to work on the yard but she

would say, " Oh no, don't bother with that today. " Then down the road she kind

of blames him, says she doesn't want to ASK him to work on her house, she just

drops hints but he's always too busy. When the garage was a mess after my Dad

died, she harped on that, how much it bothered her. He tried so many times to

work out there but she would stop him. Then she had the gall to complain to the

neighbors about how we don't help her even though these things bother her so

much. You know how the story goes.

So this year she's on her own. I told her she has to find another yard person.

There are plenty in the newspaper want ads. But I've told her I doubt she'll

find anyone who will " groom " her yard just the way she wants. We'll see what

happens. I would be more relaxed about this if it wasn't for her one crappy

neighbor that loves to stir up trouble and accuse us of neglect and abuse.

>

> If she is firing everyone that you hire, it sounds like she is purposely doing

this to keep you from getting the yard work issue settled, keeping YOU

constantly focused on this.

>

> What would happen if the yard work didn't get done? Would the city get

involved and either cut the grass and send her a bill or maybe bring a social

worker out to figure out what her problem is?

>

> If this is the case, maybe you should give her 3 choices: 1) pick one of the

fired yard workers she liked best and call them back, 2)figure out how to do the

work on her own, or 3) face the consequences imposed by the city.

>

> If the city won't get involved, let her sit in an overgrown weed bed!

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, bpd parents really do have this uncanny skill at putting us in " no win "

situations. Its a real talent, in a negative-universe sort of way.

When your husband tried to do her yard work she'd stop him before he could

finish, so it looked like you & your husband are neglecting her, so she can

complain to the neighbors about your negligence. She runs all the hired help

off or fires them, making you/your husband the only help available to her.

No win. No win. No win.

Hey, I just thought of something. Maybe this might work. You get nada to pay

you the going amount for yard services. But then you hire the worker and you

pay him to do nada's yard maintenance; he works for you. You remain on the

premises the whole time the worker is there and just tell him to keep working

and ignore nada. In other words, you real job is to become the nada-wrangler

and prevent her from sending the worker away. Since you and/or your husband

were going to be there anyway, doing it yourself, you're not out any time,

right? But now, you're just supervising instead of physically doing the labor

yourself.

If a great deal of maintenance has to be done, like, a crew is needed for the

day, then maybe your husband supervises and you take nada somewhere for the day

for an activity she really enjoys, to distract her.

That's all I can think of for now. But maybe you've tried this already.

In any case, they truly do put us in NO WIN situations. And it SO is not fair.

So badly not fair.

-Annie

> >

> > If she is firing everyone that you hire, it sounds like she is purposely

doing this to keep you from getting the yard work issue settled, keeping YOU

constantly focused on this.

> >

> > What would happen if the yard work didn't get done? Would the city get

involved and either cut the grass and send her a bill or maybe bring a social

worker out to figure out what her problem is?

> >

> > If this is the case, maybe you should give her 3 choices: 1) pick one of the

fired yard workers she liked best and call them back, 2)figure out how to do the

work on her own, or 3) face the consequences imposed by the city.

> >

> > If the city won't get involved, let her sit in an overgrown weed bed!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You're so helpful you remind me of the fulfillment of the vision of the late

great Gene Roddenberry. I don't know if you're familiar with Trek but he saw a

world where man can put aside his petty differences and provide guidance to

those of us in need.

----------

Please excuse any typos or terseness, this message was sent from a mobile

device.

Re: A diarrhea day

Yes, bpd parents really do have this uncanny skill at putting us in " no win "

situations. Its a real talent, in a negative-universe sort of way.

When your husband tried to do her yard work she'd stop him before he could

finish, so it looked like you & your husband are neglecting her, so she can

complain to the neighbors about your negligence. She runs all the hired help

off or fires them, making you/your husband the only help available to her.

No win. No win. No win.

Hey, I just thought of something. Maybe this might work. You get nada to pay

you the going amount for yard services. But then you hire the worker and you

pay him to do nada's yard maintenance; he works for you. You remain on the

premises the whole time the worker is there and just tell him to keep working

and ignore nada. In other words, you real job is to become the nada-wrangler

and prevent her from sending the worker away. Since you and/or your husband

were going to be there anyway, doing it yourself, you're not out any time,

right? But now, you're just supervising instead of physically doing the labor

yourself.

If a great deal of maintenance has to be done, like, a crew is needed for the

day, then maybe your husband supervises and you take nada somewhere for the day

for an activity she really enjoys, to distract her.

That's all I can think of for now. But maybe you've tried this already.

In any case, they truly do put us in NO WIN situations. And it SO is not fair.

So badly not fair.

-Annie

> >

> > If she is firing everyone that you hire, it sounds like she is purposely

doing this to keep you from getting the yard work issue settled, keeping YOU

constantly focused on this.

> >

> > What would happen if the yard work didn't get done? Would the city get

involved and either cut the grass and send her a bill or maybe bring a social

worker out to figure out what her problem is?

> >

> > If this is the case, maybe you should give her 3 choices: 1) pick one of the

fired yard workers she liked best and call them back, 2)figure out how to do the

work on her own, or 3) face the consequences imposed by the city.

> >

> > If the city won't get involved, let her sit in an overgrown weed bed!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

What a sweet thing to say! Thank you! I love Star Trek!

And I'm glad all of us are here at this Group to share support, validation, and

opinions with each other and help each other.

-Annie

> > >

> > > If she is firing everyone that you hire, it sounds like she is purposely

doing this to keep you from getting the yard work issue settled, keeping YOU

constantly focused on this.

> > >

> > > What would happen if the yard work didn't get done? Would the city get

involved and either cut the grass and send her a bill or maybe bring a social

worker out to figure out what her problem is?

> > >

> > > If this is the case, maybe you should give her 3 choices: 1) pick one of

the fired yard workers she liked best and call them back, 2)figure out how to do

the work on her own, or 3) face the consequences imposed by the city.

> > >

> > > If the city won't get involved, let her sit in an overgrown weed bed!

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

it sounds like you really need to vent and you are not " complaining " . I think so

much of that talk around 'complaining' and 'whining' comes from our " for gods'

sakes, whatever you do, don't tell the truth " childhoods.

I support you a hundred percent in what you are trying to do, I know it must be

awful. I helped with my grandmother's care for three years, I lived there, and

it was hard at times, and she was literally a saint. The worst things she did

was almost punch out the physical therapy lady and refuse her morphine. (And

hallucinate now and then). But having to deal with these elderly abusers who are

far from grateful...it must be terrible. I am already warning my siblings that

they are going to have to do the elder care for my mother, since she told my

lunatic sister in law that her worst fear was being trapped in a living

situation with ME after my father passes. She has betrayed me a lot in my life,

but this is one of the worst times, because of a) it being a total lie WHO

she said it to and c) the fact that it could be used to kill my crediblity in

the most certain to actually happen custody battle when my hot to trot SIL takes

the kids and trots out the door to whatever tweaker or crackhead seems initially

stupid enough to put up with her b.s. .

My parents are going to be the destitute, qualifying for medicaid types. Though

if they aren't I'll sure be spending EVERY DIME of what money they have before

I'd spend any of my own.

> >

> > Irne - May I make a suggestion here? I've recently written about being on

the " other side " of the elderly Nada dilemma - after YEARS of living alone, with

disastrous (but entirely predictable) results, my Nada is now in assisted living

and it's costing me a fortune, but most of the time she's off my back. During

the time she lived alone, she tried repeatedly to suck me into the type of

personal servitude you're stuck in right now. If I went to visit, she needed me

for chores. If I did chores, she needed me for her paperwork. If I did the

paperwork, she needed me to listen to her tales of woe for hours on end. It was

exhausting and depressing, and I just refused to do it - because the whole time

she was whining about needing help, she insisted that she was fully capable of

living independently.

> >

> > Here's the thing - for some of the chores you're doing, there are people you

can enlist. She is likely to behave better around them than she does around

you, the social interaction will do her good (she sounds like kind of a hermity

waif), and - this is important - you will have a larger circle of people who are

observing her behavior. When it's time to put her in a home, you will have

backup to confirm (for you and for anybody else who needs to know) that she

really can't live alone any more. Waiting for her doctor to declare her unfit

to live alone may take a lot longer - she may not see her doctor very often,

probably not for very long, and she may " make an effort " when she sees the

doctor. There may be a patient local bank branch employee who is willing to go

over her statements with her, or a home health agency that will send people to

check on her and do some light housekeeping. If you check with a local Council

on Aging or some such group, you may find some help. It would provide some

" baseline information " about how she acts (compared with how other people her

age act), and get her out of your hair a little more. You might have to pay for

these services, but they may be covered by her Medicare or other insurance.

> >

> > If you do this, she will almost certainly tell the entire world that she

" has to hire people because her daughter doesn't love her... " - but who cares?

YOU won't be there to listen to it!

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you Annie for the idea and I don't mean to poop on your parade but I doubt

she would allow that kind of manipulation. First of all she wouldn't pay us for

anything. And if we simply hire someone to do her yard work without her

approval, she will come unglued. She has her pride and " Dignity! " as she points

out all the time. " Maintain your Dignity! " she says. Then she'll lift her blouse

in public or fart all the way through Goodwill. LOL I have to see the humor in

this. Back to the yard or house work - I can predict the outcome and I'm not up

for the drama and anger. I'd rather the place fall down around her ears and have

her talk behind my back. I can't physically or emotionally deal with her anger.

> > >

> > > If she is firing everyone that you hire, it sounds like she is purposely

doing this to keep you from getting the yard work issue settled, keeping YOU

constantly focused on this.

> > >

> > > What would happen if the yard work didn't get done? Would the city get

involved and either cut the grass and send her a bill or maybe bring a social

worker out to figure out what her problem is?

> > >

> > > If this is the case, maybe you should give her 3 choices: 1) pick one of

the fired yard workers she liked best and call them back, 2)figure out how to do

the work on her own, or 3) face the consequences imposed by the city.

> > >

> > > If the city won't get involved, let her sit in an overgrown weed bed!

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yep, we each have to figure out what will work in our own situation, and it

ain't easy. Your nada sounds pretty wacky (the exposing herself in public

stunts) but still sharp, i.e., not easily distract-able. Oh, well.

-Annie

> > > >

> > > > If she is firing everyone that you hire, it sounds like she is purposely

doing this to keep you from getting the yard work issue settled, keeping YOU

constantly focused on this.

> > > >

> > > > What would happen if the yard work didn't get done? Would the city get

involved and either cut the grass and send her a bill or maybe bring a social

worker out to figure out what her problem is?

> > > >

> > > > If this is the case, maybe you should give her 3 choices: 1) pick one of

the fired yard workers she liked best and call them back, 2)figure out how to do

the work on her own, or 3) face the consequences imposed by the city.

> > > >

> > > > If the city won't get involved, let her sit in an overgrown weed bed!

> > > >

> > >

> >

>