I got retriggered by memories of teasing, anyone else?

[Guest guest]

I have a lot of shame about being teased as a kid, especially junior high. I am

connected with eclectic friends from high school that I trusted then and

continue to trust. But occasionally I will check on my high school Facebook

page, to see if I have any memories in common with members of my alma mate.

Today, a message from Facebook showed up, that was a post from a former nemesis

of mine. One of those tough girls that found me geeky, silly and a misfit. Of

course. I had posted in response to someone sharing a memory of girl's PE and a

certain female teacher that had actually added to my teasing problem. I don't

recall ever having had her for a teacher. (If I did, I clearly blocked it in my

mind.) Anyways, at the time I was in junior high my mom was into making my

clothing last, so she bought everything several sizes large, for me to grow

into. Uh-huh. Even shoes. Well the shoes were well-made, but I had to literally

stuff them with tissue paper to make the shoes less boat-like. So, I clumped

across the linoleum in a most noticeable way, in these loud and unfashionable

shoes. Ms R, this homeroom and PE teacher, teased me openly and privately about

my shoes, calling me, " Clumpy. " Had I been the person I am now, I would have

reported her, and probably looked her in the face and told her, You say that one

more time and I am yelling DUMPY at the top of my lungs, so everyone can here,

just as you are doing to me! "

Well, big was not yet strong enough to do that for my " little Vicki " ,

so ... that is a thought vengeance, only.

Three months ago, on the High School Facebook page, I share that I had

personally had a hard time respecting this person, because she " teased kids for

no good reason, publicly " Yesterday, this nemesis who I was thinking about this

past few days, for some unknown reason, replies after many months, saying how

she " loved Ms. R, and how Ms. R had called her by her last name... rapped on

kids desks with a cane when they were talking too much. Had learned SO much from

Ms. R. etc etc.

What a thing to see first thing in the morning, with this person's name in my

email box!

It was a bit unsettling, but I decided to take the risk, say I am always

interested in other's opinions, and had actually been personally singled out by

this person. That I did not think this was cool behavior for any teacher to do

to a kid, when junior high is a vulnerable time already. As an afterthought, I

said that I was still wondering why a teacher would do that, and to someone they

did not teach in their own classes. to boot.

The strong emotional response I had to all this made me wonder a couple of

things. Especially wondering about the experiences of other Kids of borderline

parents. I have this hunch that having troubled home, made us more vulnerable at

school. More prone to teasing. And the shame! I still feel ashamed at the

whole experience and feel somehow responsible for it.

Does this true for anyone else?

[Guest guest]

I definitely think that being teased and bullied by one's own parents and/or

siblings sets up a child to experience more distress from bullying at school,

because the child comes to believe that being teased is " normal " (my mommy calls

me ugly names and says I'm stupid and clumsy and then she says she loves me, so

being teased = being loved.) Or possibly, being teased and bullied by parents

make the child believe that she somehow deserves to be disrespected, shamed and

humiliated by others; she is a bad person and this is her punishment.

I remember a few unpleasant incidents over the years of being bullied by other

kids and by a teacher, but, either it was not chronic, just a few sporadic

incidents, or I have repressed the details and can't recall much right now.

I'll have to think about this before posting more.

In any case, I think that teachers that participate in shaming and humiliating a

child in their charge ought to be fired. I'm not saying that a teacher should

never discipline a child who is misbehaving; there needs to be conduct rules in

schools and consequences for bad behavior, but shaming a child because the child

is poor or because the child's mother is unhinged or negligent or doesn't buy

properly fitting clothes for her child... is just reprehensible.

Such teachers need to be educated about the signs and symptoms of child abuse

and neglect, and talk to a child who is showing these symptoms, not make fun of

the child. That's just sadistic.

-Annie

PS: That said, I had a teacher in elementary school who went off the deep end

and got taken away from our class during school hours! She was clearly having

emotional difficulties all along. She was easily triggered into rage, had no

patience, screamed at us kids, etc. They told us she had a " nervous breakdown " .

I never did learn what happened to that woman!

>

> I have a lot of shame about being teased as a kid, especially junior high. I

am connected with eclectic friends from high school that I trusted then and

continue to trust. But occasionally I will check on my high school Facebook

page, to see if I have any memories in common with members of my alma mate.

>

> Today, a message from Facebook showed up, that was a post from a former

nemesis of mine. One of those tough girls that found me geeky, silly and a

misfit. Of course. I had posted in response to someone sharing a memory of

girl's PE and a certain female teacher that had actually added to my teasing

problem. I don't recall ever having had her for a teacher. (If I did, I clearly

blocked it in my mind.) Anyways, at the time I was in junior high my mom was

into making my clothing last, so she bought everything several sizes large, for

me to grow into. Uh-huh. Even shoes. Well the shoes were well-made, but I had to

literally stuff them with tissue paper to make the shoes less boat-like. So, I

clumped across the linoleum in a most noticeable way, in these loud and

unfashionable shoes. Ms R, this homeroom and PE teacher, teased me openly and

privately about my shoes, calling me, " Clumpy. " Had I been the person I am now,

I would have reported her, and probably looked her in the face and told her, You

say that one more time and I am yelling DUMPY at the top of my lungs, so

everyone can here, just as you are doing to me! "

>

> Well, big was not yet strong enough to do that for my " little Vicki " ,

so ... that is a thought vengeance, only.

>

> Three months ago, on the High School Facebook page, I share that I had

personally had a hard time respecting this person, because she " teased kids for

no good reason, publicly " Yesterday, this nemesis who I was thinking about this

past few days, for some unknown reason, replies after many months, saying how

she " loved Ms. R, and how Ms. R had called her by her last name... rapped on

kids desks with a cane when they were talking too much. Had learned SO much from

Ms. R. etc etc.

>

> What a thing to see first thing in the morning, with this person's name in my

email box!

>

> It was a bit unsettling, but I decided to take the risk, say I am always

interested in other's opinions, and had actually been personally singled out by

this person. That I did not think this was cool behavior for any teacher to do

to a kid, when junior high is a vulnerable time already. As an afterthought, I

said that I was still wondering why a teacher would do that, and to someone they

did not teach in their own classes. to boot.

>

> The strong emotional response I had to all this made me wonder a couple of

things. Especially wondering about the experiences of other Kids of borderline

parents. I have this hunch that having troubled home, made us more vulnerable at

school. More prone to teasing. And the shame! I still feel ashamed at the

whole experience and feel somehow responsible for it.

>

> Does this true for anyone else?

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think being the child of a bpd mohter definately affects your self

confidence. Mine did a number on mine today, after a shitty day at work.Â

They're always telling you that you;re not good enough, etc...to make you think

youre lucky that they'll have you because no one else will. I am so ready to

go no contact something I " ve avoided because she's 81 and all she has left (she

already alienated my sister). But after tonight...I really don't care.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, November 29, 2011 5:45 PM

Subject: Re: I got retriggered by memories of teasing,

anyone else?

Â

I definitely think that being teased and bullied by one's own parents and/or

siblings sets up a child to experience more distress from bullying at school,

because the child comes to believe that being teased is " normal " (my mommy calls

me ugly names and says I'm stupid and clumsy and then she says she loves me, so

being teased = being loved.) Or possibly, being teased and bullied by parents

make the child believe that she somehow deserves to be disrespected, shamed and

humiliated by others; she is a bad person and this is her punishment.

I remember a few unpleasant incidents over the years of being bullied by other

kids and by a teacher, but, either it was not chronic, just a few sporadic

incidents, or I have repressed the details and can't recall much right now. I'll

have to think about this before posting more.

In any case, I think that teachers that participate in shaming and humiliating a

child in their charge ought to be fired. I'm not saying that a teacher should

never discipline a child who is misbehaving; there needs to be conduct rules in

schools and consequences for bad behavior, but shaming a child because the child

is poor or because the child's mother is unhinged or negligent or doesn't buy

properly fitting clothes for her child... is just reprehensible.

Such teachers need to be educated about the signs and symptoms of child abuse

and neglect, and talk to a child who is showing these symptoms, not make fun of

the child. That's just sadistic.

-Annie

PS: That said, I had a teacher in elementary school who went off the deep end

and got taken away from our class during school hours! She was clearly having

emotional difficulties all along. She was easily triggered into rage, had no

patience, screamed at us kids, etc. They told us she had a " nervous breakdown " .

I never did learn what happened to that woman!

>

> I have a lot of shame about being teased as a kid, especially junior high. I

am connected with eclectic friends from high school that I trusted then and

continue to trust. But occasionally I will check on my high school Facebook

page, to see if I have any memories in common with members of my alma mate.

>

> Today, a message from Facebook showed up, that was a post from a former

nemesis of mine. One of those tough girls that found me geeky, silly and a

misfit. Of course. I had posted in response to someone sharing a memory of

girl's PE and a certain female teacher that had actually added to my teasing

problem. I don't recall ever having had her for a teacher. (If I did, I clearly

blocked it in my mind.) Anyways, at the time I was in junior high my mom was

into making my clothing last, so she bought everything several sizes large, for

me to grow into. Uh-huh. Even shoes. Well the shoes were well-made, but I had to

literally stuff them with tissue paper to make the shoes less boat-like. So, I

clumped across the linoleum in a most noticeable way, in these loud and

unfashionable shoes. Ms R, this homeroom and PE teacher, teased me openly and

privately about my shoes, calling me, " Clumpy. " Had I been the person I am now,

I would have reported her, and probably

looked her in the face and told her, You say that one more time and I am

yelling DUMPY at the top of my lungs, so everyone can here, just as you are

doing to me! "

>

> Well, big was not yet strong enough to do that for my " little Vicki " ,

so ... that is a thought vengeance, only.

>

> Three months ago, on the High School Facebook page, I share that I had

personally had a hard time respecting this person, because she " teased kids for

no good reason, publicly " Yesterday, this nemesis who I was thinking about this

past few days, for some unknown reason, replies after many months, saying how

she " loved Ms. R, and how Ms. R had called her by her last name... rapped on

kids desks with a cane when they were talking too much. Had learned SO much from

Ms. R. etc etc.

>

> What a thing to see first thing in the morning, with this person's name in my

email box!

>

> It was a bit unsettling, but I decided to take the risk, say I am always

interested in other's opinions, and had actually been personally singled out by

this person. That I did not think this was cool behavior for any teacher to do

to a kid, when junior high is a vulnerable time already. As an afterthought, I

said that I was still wondering why a teacher would do that, and to someone they

did not teach in their own classes. to boot.

>

> The strong emotional response I had to all this made me wonder a couple of

things. Especially wondering about the experiences of other Kids of borderline

parents. I have this hunch that having troubled home, made us more vulnerable at

school. More prone to teasing. And the shame! I still feel ashamed at the whole

experience and feel somehow responsible for it.

>

> Does this true for anyone else?

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with Annie. bullies at home make them even worse at school.

I was relentlessly bullied my whole life by everyone. even the parts I don't

remember I remember who the bullies were, even when i was pretty small.

I went to school each day and spent the day being teased kicked, called names,

etc. I think there was rarely a day I was not bullied.the older I got the

harsher and more methodical the bullies. I took it all in silence. there was

nothing else to do. it was rare I was protected by anyone.

then I would come home and my brothers and sister closesest to me in age would

gang up on me and contiue it.

then I would react.I would cry try to get them in trouble etc. I was the one

that got in trouble for " reacting wrong " they would get the standard " I know she

overreacted but... " speech, and then they would be mad at me for getting them in

trouble and having " no sense of humor "

I spent much of my life thinking I was an unforgiving over-reactive brat. who

was " too sensitive " my husband had to persuade me otherwise.

my mom is still angry at me to this day for the " unjust opinion " I have of my

golden shining pillars of teachers who watched it all happen and did nothing

about it.

she of course did nothing. she even excused anything she did not like (like me

having trouble in math) by telling people all about the time I was sexually

assaulted. but she would have to believe it happened to feel the need to help

me. not " those boys did not do that you just imagined it. they are too caught up

in their own hard lives to notice you. " (projection?)

so yeah things trigger me. I cringe at the sight of my bullies on facebook.

stories of bullied kids on tv, the radio etc make me cry every time.

being a bullied kid with a BPD mother is about the most unjust position there

is.

> >

> > I have a lot of shame about being teased as a kid, especially junior high.

I am connected with eclectic friends from high school that I trusted then and

continue to trust. But occasionally I will check on my high school Facebook

page, to see if I have any memories in common with members of my alma mate.

> >

> > Today, a message from Facebook showed up, that was a post from a former

nemesis of mine. One of those tough girls that found me geeky, silly and a

misfit. Of course. I had posted in response to someone sharing a memory of

girl's PE and a certain female teacher that had actually added to my teasing

problem. I don't recall ever having had her for a teacher. (If I did, I clearly

blocked it in my mind.) Anyways, at the time I was in junior high my mom was

into making my clothing last, so she bought everything several sizes large, for

me to grow into. Uh-huh. Even shoes. Well the shoes were well-made, but I had to

literally stuff them with tissue paper to make the shoes less boat-like. So, I

clumped across the linoleum in a most noticeable way, in these loud and

unfashionable shoes. Ms R, this homeroom and PE teacher, teased me openly and

privately about my shoes, calling me, " Clumpy. " Had I been the person I am now,

I would have reported her, and probably looked her in the face and told her, You

say that one more time and I am yelling DUMPY at the top of my lungs, so

everyone can here, just as you are doing to me! "

> >

> > Well, big was not yet strong enough to do that for my " little

Vicki " , so ... that is a thought vengeance, only.

> >

> > Three months ago, on the High School Facebook page, I share that I had

personally had a hard time respecting this person, because she " teased kids for

no good reason, publicly " Yesterday, this nemesis who I was thinking about this

past few days, for some unknown reason, replies after many months, saying how

she " loved Ms. R, and how Ms. R had called her by her last name... rapped on

kids desks with a cane when they were talking too much. Had learned SO much from

Ms. R. etc etc.

> >

> > What a thing to see first thing in the morning, with this person's name in

my email box!

> >

> > It was a bit unsettling, but I decided to take the risk, say I am always

interested in other's opinions, and had actually been personally singled out by

this person. That I did not think this was cool behavior for any teacher to do

to a kid, when junior high is a vulnerable time already. As an afterthought, I

said that I was still wondering why a teacher would do that, and to someone they

did not teach in their own classes. to boot.

> >

> > The strong emotional response I had to all this made me wonder a couple of

things. Especially wondering about the experiences of other Kids of borderline

parents. I have this hunch that having troubled home, made us more vulnerable at

school. More prone to teasing. And the shame! I still feel ashamed at the

whole experience and feel somehow responsible for it.

> >

> > Does this true for anyone else?

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

What a great post~

I had not thought of this in a long while but I agree with what has been said

here already. I'm quite sure that we, of BPD parents, are more vulnerable. I

had low self esteem. I was an axcellent gymnast and didn't realize it since

both of my parents were uninvolved and my mom, when she had an opinion, was

critical. I worked out with a select group of 7 or so kids. I was one of the

younger ones. I was 13 or so. I was teased by several of the older girls. My

coach was like a big kid. Instead of stepping in....he asked me one time, " Why

don't the girls like you? " I remember that question like it was asked

yesterday. It made me feel terrible and I knew he was playing a game. Wondering

what I would say, if I noticed. Of course I noticed. How vulnerable I felt in

a skimpy leotard being laughed at. I was a little awkward. My Mom never bought

me new leotards so they were tight when I grew or I had to wash it in the sink

and rewear them often. I was at the gym 5 days a week. It was also my escape

not wanting to be at home. So I guess the gym bullying was better than Nada's.

I always learn something when thoughtful topics are brought up. Even though

it's painful to go back to those hurtful places, it's healing.

Sincerely,

Louise (TTH)

>

> I have a lot of shame about being teased as a kid, especially junior high. I

am connected with eclectic friends from high school that I trusted then and

continue to trust. But occasionally I will check on my high school Facebook

page, to see if I have any memories in common with members of my alma mate.

>

> Today, a message from Facebook showed up, that was a post from a former

nemesis of mine. One of those tough girls that found me geeky, silly and a

misfit. Of course. I had posted in response to someone sharing a memory of

girl's PE and a certain female teacher that had actually added to my teasing

problem. I don't recall ever having had her for a teacher. (If I did, I clearly

blocked it in my mind.) Anyways, at the time I was in junior high my mom was

into making my clothing last, so she bought everything several sizes large, for

me to grow into. Uh-huh. Even shoes. Well the shoes were well-made, but I had to

literally stuff them with tissue paper to make the shoes less boat-like. So, I

clumped across the linoleum in a most noticeable way, in these loud and

unfashionable shoes. Ms R, this homeroom and PE teacher, teased me openly and

privately about my shoes, calling me, " Clumpy. " Had I been the person I am now,

I would have reported her, and probably looked her in the face and told her, You

say that one more time and I am yelling DUMPY at the top of my lungs, so

everyone can here, just as you are doing to me! "

>

> Well, big was not yet strong enough to do that for my " little Vicki " ,

so ... that is a thought vengeance, only.

>

> Three months ago, on the High School Facebook page, I share that I had

personally had a hard time respecting this person, because she " teased kids for

no good reason, publicly " Yesterday, this nemesis who I was thinking about this

past few days, for some unknown reason, replies after many months, saying how

she " loved Ms. R, and how Ms. R had called her by her last name... rapped on

kids desks with a cane when they were talking too much. Had learned SO much from

Ms. R. etc etc.

>

> What a thing to see first thing in the morning, with this person's name in my

email box!

>

> It was a bit unsettling, but I decided to take the risk, say I am always

interested in other's opinions, and had actually been personally singled out by

this person. That I did not think this was cool behavior for any teacher to do

to a kid, when junior high is a vulnerable time already. As an afterthought, I

said that I was still wondering why a teacher would do that, and to someone they

did not teach in their own classes. to boot.

>

> The strong emotional response I had to all this made me wonder a couple of

things. Especially wondering about the experiences of other Kids of borderline

parents. I have this hunch that having troubled home, made us more vulnerable at

school. More prone to teasing. And the shame! I still feel ashamed at the

whole experience and feel somehow responsible for it.

>

> Does this true for anyone else?

>

>

[Guest guest]

Louise, TTH,

My heart goes out to the little girl inside you that preferred bullying the gym,

expressing your talent, to being bullied and held back at home.

I was a bit mad at your cursed coach who asked YOU why the other girls did not

like you. Like duh. I am mad at the coach's stupidity. Those girls WERE jealous,

I would bet on it.

But the part that really makes me mad, is the implication that you were to

blame. It's subtle and its duplicity makes me want to throw a spit pie in his

face. " Why don't the other girls like you? " is a question that implies there

really is a good reason. Like the girls had a " reason " to not like you and you

should be smart enough to know what it is and do something.

You don't change bullies!

My son is small and he is cerebral. He is a certain kind of athlete but it is

not the kind of athlete with brawn. He has speed and grace. And he is very

dexterous. It often seems to me that he is a gazelle among buffaloes. I told

him early to trust his intuition. I told him, that, whenever he " sensed " things

were getting dangerous or out of control in groups of kids, to practice trusting

it, by walking away from the situation. That he had nothing to prove. Walking

away was power.

I also told him if anyone teased him about his size (he has just grown enough

this last year to be about normal now, but still very very lean).... to tell

folks, " You have a problem with my size, take it up with God. This is how I am

made. " We live in the South where the Bible is strong. I figured that message

would take people by surprise, especially with little kids who sometimes lay

trips on others with their Baptist teachings.

My son never used my suggested words. When people would tell him weird incorrect

or mean stuff about himself, he would look them in the eye, and quietly say, " I

know you are and what am I? "

Talk about calling people on their projection. Well, some kids tried the

opposite tactic on him and started to praise him to see what would happen. He

smiled and said, " I know I am, and what are you? "

I hope I have not raised a kid with too MUCH ego!

Best,