Re: a text between my father and I--TRANSLATION

June 20, 2011

Hi ,

I'm sorry for your loss with the divorce--I know that's a very difficult time.

Thanks for posting the exact text conversation. It is in my opinion very

characteristic of a borderline.

Sometimes I like to do 'translations' of borderline conversations. I've been NC

for many years now so I might be out of practice, but I'm going to take a crack

at it anyway, especially since it might help some of the new members who are

just learning about BPD. It is SO important to understand that BPDs do not use

language the same way we do; they are not trying to communicate or for a meeting

of the minds, instead they have specific (selfish, destructive) goals they are

trying to accomplish. Although it seems disrespectful at first, the thing to do

is *Not take them seriously--or at least not literally. Here you go:

>

> Dad: Hey what are you doing today?

(Translation: give me some attention! I require communication with you

immediately, exactly when and how I say, and exactly for as long as I say,

because I'm having a compulsive need right now to harm and use you in my go-to,

favorite way for you.)

>

> Dad: Ok I get it. You have made it more than clear you want nothing to do with

me. I wont bother you any more. Im really sorry you feel that way. Even though

you hate me and hold me responsible for your problems, I will always love you no

matter what.

(Translation: You did not write me back--you have tried to make a boundary

between us as two separate people, and you have tried to have your own needs and

not succomb completely to my will. This is panicking me and I must push back

immediately. I must use my fatherhood and guilt you to have a relationship

'status' discussion to appease my discomfort.

Also, lately, including today, I have realized that you might be legitimately

busy today with your children and divorce or other matters important to

you...And I am panicked! Life is all about ME!! You must acknowledge that!

How dare you have needs of your own; how dare you attempt to choose when and how

we communicate. I have to fix this; forcing you to feel guilty and communicate

with me and try to appease my being upset will help me feel better.

I also know you're emotionally vulnerable, with the divorce, and since you

didn't reply I know that my messages might bother you a little... So this is a

perfect time to strike! I can *get to you now, I am compelled to harm you and

guilt you just like an alcoholic with a drink.)

>

> Me: What r u talking about?

(Translation: What r u talking about?)

>

> Me: Why r u saying that? I never said anything like that.

>(Ditto)

> Dad: You didn't have to say it. Your actions prove it. You never respond to

calls or txt. You told me I was a bad dad and maybe I was but I tried to provide

for all of you.

(Translation: Excellent! I have your attention. Oh it feels so good to force

you to discuss our 'relationship'. I am overcoming your will, I am making you

uncomfortable, and I am getting YOU to take all the blame for all the bad things

I do. This is helping to comfort me for your attempt to set a boundary by not

writing me back when I required. Now, tell me what a great Dad I am because I

know, secretly, I've abused you but I must mask that to myself in order to

obtain psychological gratification.)

....OK that's all I have time to translate right now, but I hope it helps!

--Charlie

June 20, 2011

Wow...I think that is right on target. I'm actually going to print this out.

Thanks for your insight.