Never felt heard, always apologising

[Guest guest]

I just wanted to started by saying how much I appreciate this forum. I only

found it a few weeks ago, when I was feeling like I should be getting back in

contact with Nada after 6 months NC. I was feeling guilty and responsible for

her health and happiness and your posts and responses to one another have been

incredibly influential in helping me reach the decision that it is in fact not

yet time.

But I did just want to share with people who would understand, a realisation I

recently came to.

I think the biggest impact Nada has had on my life is that I have never felt

heard. In so many areas of my life I assume no one will listen and if I do voice

my opinion I will be ridiculed or shut down. When I do voice an opinion, I

immediately apologise for doing so (trying not to now I am aware of it). Nada

always dismissed my views and took them as a personal attack if they differed

from her own (even if I agreed, often she would change her position so that I

was opposing her... sigh...)

This has impacted on so many areas of my life - my work, my friendships, my

relationship with my husband etc. But it has come to a head because my daughter

has some additional educational needs and I need to advocate for her. It has

forced me, kicking and screaming, to ask for more for her. Because they're the

same needs I had at school and mine were never met with life long consequences,

I am determined she is not going to have the same experience, but boy is it

hard. I prepare for ridicule and disdain whenever I have to speak to her school,

and struggle - not always successfully - not to back down at the first sign of

challenge. I'm about to go in to bat again and all I can think is that they're

going to think I am such an inconvenience.

I will be forever grateful to my daughter,who has shown me just how

dysfunctional my relation with Nada was (the day she was born I had this

immediate realisation that I could never treat this child the way I had been

treated - and yet up until that point I had always thought my family's

dysfunction was completely normal). Her needs force me to confront those aspects

of my life I could afford to hide from with out her and the revelations that

come from that flow on in to all areas of my life. And so I will push through my

fears, both for my daughter's sake and my own. But boy it is hard work.

One day I will resume contact with Nada, but not until my own sense of self is

rock solid.

Anyway, thanks again for the chance to hear your stories.

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the Group. It really does help to read posts here and realize that

you're not the only one who grew up with a mother who exhibited borderline pd

behaviors.

I had no voice, either. I was told what I thought and felt, liked and wanted,

which, (surprise, surprise!), was what my mother thought, felt, liked, or

wanted. For most of my life, I thought there was something badly wrong with me,

that I was causing my mother to be so angry and irritable and critical with me

all the time. It didn't help that my mother can/could be so charming and sweet

to other people, in public; it confirmed for me that it must indeed be me: that

I was a disappointment to her and never good enough. Finding Groups like this

one truly does make a difference, at least it did to me.

best wishes,

-Annie

>

> I just wanted to started by saying how much I appreciate this forum. I only

found it a few weeks ago, when I was feeling like I should be getting back in

contact with Nada after 6 months NC. I was feeling guilty and responsible for

her health and happiness and your posts and responses to one another have been

incredibly influential in helping me reach the decision that it is in fact not

yet time.

>

> But I did just want to share with people who would understand, a realisation I

recently came to.

>

> I think the biggest impact Nada has had on my life is that I have never felt

heard. In so many areas of my life I assume no one will listen and if I do voice

my opinion I will be ridiculed or shut down. When I do voice an opinion, I

immediately apologise for doing so (trying not to now I am aware of it). Nada

always dismissed my views and took them as a personal attack if they differed

from her own (even if I agreed, often she would change her position so that I

was opposing her... sigh...)

>

> This has impacted on so many areas of my life - my work, my friendships, my

relationship with my husband etc. But it has come to a head because my daughter

has some additional educational needs and I need to advocate for her. It has

forced me, kicking and screaming, to ask for more for her. Because they're the

same needs I had at school and mine were never met with life long consequences,

I am determined she is not going to have the same experience, but boy is it

hard. I prepare for ridicule and disdain whenever I have to speak to her school,

and struggle - not always successfully - not to back down at the first sign of

challenge. I'm about to go in to bat again and all I can think is that they're

going to think I am such an inconvenience.

>

> I will be forever grateful to my daughter,who has shown me just how

dysfunctional my relation with Nada was (the day she was born I had this

immediate realisation that I could never treat this child the way I had been

treated - and yet up until that point I had always thought my family's

dysfunction was completely normal). Her needs force me to confront those aspects

of my life I could afford to hide from with out her and the revelations that

come from that flow on in to all areas of my life. And so I will push through my

fears, both for my daughter's sake and my own. But boy it is hard work.

>

> One day I will resume contact with Nada, but not until my own sense of self is

rock solid.

>

> Anyway, thanks again for the chance to hear your stories.

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome, and I definitely hear you. It took me decades to get over an

all-but-crippling fear of voicing my needs, and to this day one of my biggest

triggers is being ignored (maybe I'll need a decade or so more to work on that).

Kids are a game-changer, aren't they? I have three, and in my completely

objective and unbiased opinion they are three of the most fabulous humans I have

ever met. I love them with an intensity rivalled only by plate tectonics. But

not only do I love them, I respect them, because I veryveryvery strongly believe

that even the little 'uns, in spite of their sometimes startlingly flawed logic,

need to be heard and KNOW that they were heard. That last bit, I think, is where

our nadas/fadas/parental parodies failed most completely.

I have distinct memories of my nada completely ignoring me, or pretending not to

and then asking a question making it blindingly apparent that she had not heard

a word I said. Interpretation by my elementary-school self: I'm not worth the

energy invested in SITTING STILL and LISTENING. And then she'd accuse me of

" never telling her anything " . Arrrrggghh.

That said, there are times when it is appropriate to ignore a child. Case in

point: my seven-year-old son who has a promising future as a radio talk show

host, or an auctioneer, or an exceptionally verbose rapper. Sometimes he'll

start talking and just won't stop. At those times, I need to interrupt him and

say, " Honey, I want to hear about your day, but right now I need to cook

dinner, " or whatever it is that I need to do. If he persists, I'll remind him

once or twice, and THEN (and only then) I'll ignore him. It irritates the crap

out of him, but when you've told someone about your needs and they disregard

them, it's not disrespect on your part but a boundary--something best learned in

childhood and again, completely blown off by nadas/fadas.

Regarding your situation, I've actually found it much easier to advocate for my

kids than for myself. I've been sitting here wondering why that is, and I've

come to the conclusion that it's precisely because I felt so unheard as a child

that I'm willing to get all up in someone's face on behalf of my own kids. Like

I mentioned earlier, being ignored is a bit of a trigger for me. Seeing my kids

being ignored starts the countdown for global thermonuclear war.

I guess my suggestion as to what you might try is to grab all that

anger/righteous indignation from your childhood and redirect it towards

advocating for your kids, if that makes any sense. But if nothing else, I hear

you.

Writer (at DefCon 1 with the parents)

>

> I just wanted to started by saying how much I appreciate this forum. I only

found it a few weeks ago, when I was feeling like I should be getting back in

contact with Nada after 6 months NC. I was feeling guilty and responsible for

her health and happiness and your posts and responses to one another have been

incredibly influential in helping me reach the decision that it is in fact not

yet time.

>

> But I did just want to share with people who would understand, a realisation I

recently came to.

>

> I think the biggest impact Nada has had on my life is that I have never felt

heard. In so many areas of my life I assume no one will listen and if I do voice

my opinion I will be ridiculed or shut down. When I do voice an opinion, I

immediately apologise for doing so (trying not to now I am aware of it). Nada

always dismissed my views and took them as a personal attack if they differed

from her own (even if I agreed, often she would change her position so that I

was opposing her... sigh...)

>

> This has impacted on so many areas of my life - my work, my friendships, my

relationship with my husband etc. But it has come to a head because my daughter

has some additional educational needs and I need to advocate for her. It has

forced me, kicking and screaming, to ask for more for her. Because they're the

same needs I had at school and mine were never met with life long consequences,

I am determined she is not going to have the same experience, but boy is it

hard. I prepare for ridicule and disdain whenever I have to speak to her school,

and struggle - not always successfully - not to back down at the first sign of

challenge. I'm about to go in to bat again and all I can think is that they're

going to think I am such an inconvenience.

>

> I will be forever grateful to my daughter,who has shown me just how

dysfunctional my relation with Nada was (the day she was born I had this

immediate realisation that I could never treat this child the way I had been

treated - and yet up until that point I had always thought my family's

dysfunction was completely normal). Her needs force me to confront those aspects

of my life I could afford to hide from with out her and the revelations that

come from that flow on in to all areas of my life. And so I will push through my

fears, both for my daughter's sake and my own. But boy it is hard work.

>

> One day I will resume contact with Nada, but not until my own sense of self is

rock solid.

>

> Anyway, thanks again for the chance to hear your stories.

>

[Guest guest]

Ooh ooh ooh! This reminds me of a time when I was in high school and my

then-boyfriend wanted to take me to a boxing match. Having never been to a

boxing match before, I thought " What the heck, I'll check it out. " Turns out my

parents had committed me to sing for some sort of church group (without asking

me, of course), and the performance was the same night as the boxing match. When

I pointed out the conflict, my dad scoffed and said in the most sarcasm-laden

tone of voice, " Since when do YOU like boxing? " Not a word was uttered about not

even asking me if I wanted to perform (I was kind of the organ-grinder's monkey

of the family, except without the money and shiny objects-or happy music for

that matter), only a sneering disdain of something that I had never experienced

before and wanted to explore, instantly dismissed and ridiculed because it was

in conflict with what they had in store for me.

Geez, they were jerks.

> >

> > I just wanted to started by saying how much I appreciate this forum. I only

found it a few weeks ago, when I was feeling like I should be getting back in

contact with Nada after 6 months NC. I was feeling guilty and responsible for

her health and happiness and your posts and responses to one another have been

incredibly influential in helping me reach the decision that it is in fact not

yet time.

> >

> > But I did just want to share with people who would understand, a realisation

I recently came to.

> >

> > I think the biggest impact Nada has had on my life is that I have never felt

heard. In so many areas of my life I assume no one will listen and if I do voice

my opinion I will be ridiculed or shut down. When I do voice an opinion, I

immediately apologise for doing so (trying not to now I am aware of it). Nada

always dismissed my views and took them as a personal attack if they differed

from her own (even if I agreed, often she would change her position so that I

was opposing her... sigh...)

> >

> > This has impacted on so many areas of my life - my work, my friendships, my

relationship with my husband etc. But it has come to a head because my daughter

has some additional educational needs and I need to advocate for her. It has

forced me, kicking and screaming, to ask for more for her. Because they're the

same needs I had at school and mine were never met with life long consequences,

I am determined she is not going to have the same experience, but boy is it

hard. I prepare for ridicule and disdain whenever I have to speak to her school,

and struggle - not always successfully - not to back down at the first sign of

challenge. I'm about to go in to bat again and all I can think is that they're

going to think I am such an inconvenience.

> >

> > I will be forever grateful to my daughter,who has shown me just how

dysfunctional my relation with Nada was (the day she was born I had this

immediate realisation that I could never treat this child the way I had been

treated - and yet up until that point I had always thought my family's

dysfunction was completely normal). Her needs force me to confront those aspects

of my life I could afford to hide from with out her and the revelations that

come from that flow on in to all areas of my life. And so I will push through my

fears, both for my daughter's sake and my own. But boy it is hard work.

> >

> > One day I will resume contact with Nada, but not until my own sense of self

is rock solid.

> >

> > Anyway, thanks again for the chance to hear your stories.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Mimblebim,

the whole time I was reading your post, I was thinking, me too, me too!!

I'm just now, in my 40s, realizing my opinion matters, that I don't have to go

along with " whatever you want " to make someone else happy.

I'm so happy for you that you've come into your own.

Both my mother and father did not like it when my opinion differed from theirs.

Made it clear it was unacceptable. So of course, once I was on my own, I

figured, " NO authority figure will like it if I speak up. "

As for my kids, same as you: I felt like I simply could not let that happen to

them. They very loudly and happily express their opinion and know that it's ok,

that's what they're supposed to do. They're still loved.

thanks for sharing!

Fiona

>

> I just wanted to started by saying how much I appreciate this forum. I only

found it a few weeks ago, when I was feeling like I should be getting back in

contact with Nada after 6 months NC. I was feeling guilty and responsible for

her health and happiness and your posts and responses to one another have been

incredibly influential in helping me reach the decision that it is in fact not

yet time.

>

> But I did just want to share with people who would understand, a realisation I

recently came to.

>

> I think the biggest impact Nada has had on my life is that I have never felt

heard. In so many areas of my life I assume no one will listen and if I do voice

my opinion I will be ridiculed or shut down. When I do voice an opinion, I

immediately apologise for doing so (trying not to now I am aware of it). Nada

always dismissed my views and took them as a personal attack if they differed

from her own (even if I agreed, often she would change her position so that I

was opposing her... sigh...)

>

> This has impacted on so many areas of my life - my work, my friendships, my

relationship with my husband etc. But it has come to a head because my daughter

has some additional educational needs and I need to advocate for her. It has

forced me, kicking and screaming, to ask for more for her. Because they're the

same needs I had at school and mine were never met with life long consequences,

I am determined she is not going to have the same experience, but boy is it

hard. I prepare for ridicule and disdain whenever I have to speak to her school,

and struggle - not always successfully - not to back down at the first sign of

challenge. I'm about to go in to bat again and all I can think is that they're

going to think I am such an inconvenience.

>

> I will be forever grateful to my daughter,who has shown me just how

dysfunctional my relation with Nada was (the day she was born I had this

immediate realisation that I could never treat this child the way I had been

treated - and yet up until that point I had always thought my family's

dysfunction was completely normal). Her needs force me to confront those aspects

of my life I could afford to hide from with out her and the revelations that

come from that flow on in to all areas of my life. And so I will push through my

fears, both for my daughter's sake and my own. But boy it is hard work.

>

> One day I will resume contact with Nada, but not until my own sense of self is

rock solid.

>

> Anyway, thanks again for the chance to hear your stories.

>