Yes, detaching is hard, and seemingly never ending :-(

[Guest guest]

I am finding the holiday shenanigans have reactivated my grief and my anger.

You'd think by now I would have run out of both--HA!

As Annie said, how *dare* they? I was raised to be their little

codependent--attend to mamma's needs, watch mamma rage, and then let it drop

because mamma refuses to remember. As an adult, we still let mom rage &

complain. We tailored our socializing to HER needs, because she sucked up all of

our holidays and weekends. I was valuable to her until the time I couldn't be

her sin eater any more. I think back to everything I did to keep the peace, keep

her fears at bay, and feed her emotionally. For years!

Now I'm garbage. If I won't come to heel, then they have no use for me. There is

no discussion. She is afraid of listening--my words would shatter her fantasy.

Fada is protecting her from me ( & the reality I represent). I've been split evil

and she's telling everyone who listens that I rejected and abandoned them.

Additionally, something is horribly wrong with her brain (besides BPD. Senility,

I think. Fada is determined to coddle her and her fantasies instead of getting

her help. How can I be so angry with them for the way they are treating me, yet

still care enough about them to be worried about her mental deterioration?

I am a 49 year old enmeshed kid who is trying so hard to detach. I am angry for

all the years of my life I spent nurturing people who should have been nurturing

ME. I keep trying to get a handle on how to function with my newe role of the

black sheep and they keep moving my cheese!

Part of me wants to change all my contact numbers and just live my life as if

they were already dead. But that is not the mature detachment I am striving to

attain. Who am I kidding? They act like they would be happier if *I* dropped

dead and they never had to worry about facing me again.

>

> Sometimes, being able to access repressed anger can help you achieve a more

emotionally detached state. Instead of being afraid of your parents or

siblings, you could try being angry at them. How *dare* they treat you like

garbage? Like you have no feelings, as though you are just a *thing*, not a

person?

>

> Anger can be a self-protective and empowering emotion, but there is a caveat:

its not good to stay angry after its served its purpose to make you act to stand

up for yourself. Its a powerful weapon but it can start to feel safe inside the

anger; then its tempting to stay angry. But staying angry is as

self-destructive as staying fearful. We have to become emotionally mature and

be in control of our emotions instead of our emotions controlling us.

>

> That's just a suggestion to think about. It may work for you, to try

replacing the fearfulness or the neediness with anger (righteous indignation)

for as long as it takes to achieve a healthier level of emotional autonomy and

detachment.

>

> -Annie

>