Brother moving back - need advice

[Guest guest]

For the past 5 years, my brother has been living about 2 hours away from the

town nada and I live in.

He moved there when my father was terminally ill. When we needed him to be

closer, he moved further. It was an unspoken declaration, that he wanted to

avoid the pain and all the duties involved in it. I begged him not to move, but

he did it anyway.

Now, he is moving back to town...as in 2 blocks away from me and 3 blocks away

from nada.

He has been looking for a new apt for ages and my husband offered him my

deceased mother in law's basement apt. Even as he offered it, I felt that tug

inside, that tug of protection, of shielding myself, and of fear of how this

would turn out.

Anyway, now he's moving in this Saturday.

Here's the drama that's already taken place. My husband told him he could have

the apt this Saturday and that my husband's uncle, who had been staying there,

is just about done clearing out.

But my brother has been calling my husband at home and on his cell about when

he'll get the keys. It's a perfectly reasonable question, but if you were

calling your new landlord about it, you would have to WAIT for them to get back

to you.

Except my brother has involved my mother. I know this b/c she told me.

Why?????   Why did he call her and tell her " Fiona's husband hasn't given me the

keys; I'm really worried. " Why can't he just be a grown up and confide in

someone else who can handle that kind of information? Doesn't he have any

dignity to keep him from calling his mommy???

My mother sounded anguished....about THIS! " I've been praying through the night

for you to call me so that I know everything will be all right. I haven't been

able to eat. Your brother is very, very worried. " Of course this is my mother's

account. She even went so far as to imply my husband would take back his offer

at the last minute, which was a really mean thing to say.

This is what I'm not looking forward to, the intensified triangulation between

my mother and brother. I *almost* explained to her what a rough week my husband

had, but I don't owe them any explanations. I *almost* emailed my brother to

tell him off, but I decided it just wasn't even worth it. It's all about the

keys for him.

The bottom line, I'm discovering as I write this, is that I'm afraid. I'm

afraid of how equally smothered I feel by my brother as I do by nada. It's

harder with him, b/c he's much funnier and cooler than nada, so it's harder for

me to say no without extreme guilt. It's easier to dislike nada. I am so afraid

my brother will be my Cosmo Kramer, dropping by when he wants; or assuming he

can take my older daughter to the city whenever she wants. (that's the other

thing: my kids love him, so if he comes over, it's harder to kick him out)

Last week, he invited me to an exercise class in the city. It sounded like fun

but he turned the idea of a 2-hour class into " and THEN we can get dinner...and

THEN we can get drinks....and THEN... " He wanted me to block out 9 hours of my

day for him. Right away, without waiting for my reply (which is what my father

would do), he said, " I'll book our spots in class as soon as I hang up " ...he

gets really frantic and agitated and has to know NOW (like with the keys) if I

can make it. I said, " Brother, I'm going to need to check with my husband

first, that he can stay with younger daughter for all that time. " He audibly

sounded disappointed, like the child who's told he can't go to the circus after

all.

He's single and with no responsibilities. He says he's lonely and wants to be

closer, but what the eff does that mean???? I'm terrified of what that means.

When we're together, it's fun; he's both child-like and childish. But after a

couple of hours, I have to get away from him. He's overwhelming and suffocating,

constantly doing hand puppets with his fingers in public, pretending he's an

ape, and worst of all, acting out scenes from " The Godfather " and " Monty Python "

that he's done countless times and expecting me to be delighted every time. He

can be very, very tiresome.

And then, suddenly, out of absolutely NOWHERE, he becomes distant, detached, and

aloof and retreats to a room and won't see anyone.

Sigh. I feel like he's stuck at some developmental stage and beeelieve me,

between my 2 kids and nada, I don't need another child in my life.

My question is: how can I be close to him without being TOO close, without

compromising my boundaries and need for separateness? How do I make that clear?

Thank you for reading all this and helping me untangle it.