Don't get me wrong...I love mom SO much, but... / my brother's pain

[Guest guest]

That's how my brother ( " Bob " ) seems to start every sentence regarding our mother

lately.

We had a long talk yesterday about a recent conversation I had with nada in

which she did a " he said/she said " kind of thing and pitted Bob against me and

my husband regarding Bob's moving into my mother-in- law's basement apt.

After talking to Bob (and I don't know if he or nada are lying or not--I guess

it doesn't matter at this point), I realized how much baggage, super duper

big-time baggage, he's got.

I feel like he thinks I'm his therapist. Our conversations invariably end up

with him talking about our childhood, what mom did, what pop did, ALWAYS

prefaced with " Don't get me wrong, I love mom/pop... "

I finally said to him yesterday, " PLEASE stop saying that. I know you love them

but that doesn't change reality. " It's like he wants to let them off the hook

and is stuck with all that rage he can't express. Instead, he's always joking,

minimizing, and generally idealizes our parents, forgetting that they had both

good and bad sides. He just wants to say how great they were and " hey, so what?,

sometimes pop beat me...he was a good guy! "

He's older, I'm younger, but I have always been the golden child, " responsible

one, the one we can count on, the one that won't let us down. Not like HIM,

good for nothing. " I've always been the one to run to his defense, to protect

him, and I can feel it welling up in me now. I want to find him a therapist,

make him go, fix his life, protect him, assure him, build him up, etc. I can

remember visiting him in a furnished room he lived in; it was a really

depressing place and telling him he would be all right.

I think that's part of my anxiety about him moving close to where we live, is

all that baggage that he's just dying to share with me. I'm going to have to

tell him really honestly that I can't help him, I don't have the tools to help

him, and to be persistent about getting help.

But he's almost 50, for goodness' sake. Maybe he thinks he doesn't need a

freaking therapist b/c he thinks he has ME to talk to!?

[Guest guest]

I think that is an important insight for you; you're realizing that by being

available to your brother as his " unpaid therapist " , and by doing things for him

/ rescuing him, you are enabling him to avoid seeking out a real therapist and

avoid starting the really hard, adult work of rescuing himself.

Your intuition is probably right; if your brother moves close to you, he's going

to expect you to continue acting as his therapist/rescuer/buddy, since that has

always been your role in his eyes, and yours. Its OK to change the dynamics of

your relationship, and start treating him as a competent fellow adult instead of

as a sort of extra-large infant you're babysitting.

I'm guessing it won't be easy, but it will be healthier in the long run for both

of you if you resist the urge to mother him/rescue him and let him flounder a

bit, and instead encourage him to seek therapy on his own. He will be more

motivated to do so if he realizes that you are no longer going to accept the

role or the responsibility.

I hope that you will be able to grow a relationship with your brother that is

completely NOT about his problems with your parents and his own neediness.

Here's hoping you have some interests, hobbies, or goals in common that you can

talk about and share together, as friends.

-Annie

>

> That's how my brother ( " Bob " ) seems to start every sentence regarding our

mother lately.

>

> We had a long talk yesterday about a recent conversation I had with nada in

which she did a " he said/she said " kind of thing and pitted Bob against me and

my husband regarding Bob's moving into my mother-in- law's basement apt.

>

> After talking to Bob (and I don't know if he or nada are lying or not--I guess

it doesn't matter at this point), I realized how much baggage, super duper

big-time baggage, he's got.

>

> I feel like he thinks I'm his therapist. Our conversations invariably end up

with him talking about our childhood, what mom did, what pop did, ALWAYS

prefaced with " Don't get me wrong, I love mom/pop... "

>

> I finally said to him yesterday, " PLEASE stop saying that. I know you love

them but that doesn't change reality. " It's like he wants to let them off the

hook and is stuck with all that rage he can't express. Instead, he's always

joking, minimizing, and generally idealizes our parents, forgetting that they

had both good and bad sides. He just wants to say how great they were and " hey,

so what?, sometimes pop beat me...he was a good guy! "

>

> He's older, I'm younger, but I have always been the golden child, " responsible

one, the one we can count on, the one that won't let us down. Not like HIM,

good for nothing. " I've always been the one to run to his defense, to protect

him, and I can feel it welling up in me now. I want to find him a therapist,

make him go, fix his life, protect him, assure him, build him up, etc. I can

remember visiting him in a furnished room he lived in; it was a really

depressing place and telling him he would be all right.

>

> I think that's part of my anxiety about him moving close to where we live, is

all that baggage that he's just dying to share with me. I'm going to have to

tell him really honestly that I can't help him, I don't have the tools to help

him, and to be persistent about getting help.

>

> But he's almost 50, for goodness' sake. Maybe he thinks he doesn't need a

freaking therapist b/c he thinks he has ME to talk to!?

>

>

[Guest guest]

thanks, Annie. I hope so, too, that we can grow closer without our relationship

being about nada.

> >

> > That's how my brother ( " Bob " ) seems to start every sentence regarding our

mother lately.

> >

> > We had a long talk yesterday about a recent conversation I had with nada in

which she did a " he said/she said " kind of thing and pitted Bob against me and

my  husband regarding Bob's moving into my mother-in- law's basement apt.

> >

> > After talking to Bob (and I don't know if he or nada are lying or not--I

guess it doesn't matter at this point), I realized how much baggage, super duper

big-time baggage, he's got.

> >

> > I feel like he thinks I'm his therapist. Our conversations invariably end up

with him talking about our childhood, what mom did, what pop did, ALWAYS

prefaced with " Don't get me wrong, I love mom/pop... "

> >

> > I finally said to him yesterday, " PLEASE stop saying that. I know you love

them but that doesn't change reality. "  It's like he wants to let them off the

hook and is stuck with all that rage he can't express. Instead, he's always

joking, minimizing, and generally idealizes our parents, forgetting that they

had both good and bad sides. He just wants to say how great they were and " hey,

so what?, sometimes pop beat me...he was a good guy! "

> >

> > He's older, I'm younger, but I have always been the golden child,

" responsible one, the one we can count on, the one that won't let us down.  Not

like HIM, good for nothing. "  I've always been the one to run to his defense, to

protect him, and I can feel it welling up in me now. I want to find him a

therapist, make him go, fix his life, protect him, assure him, build him up,

etc.  I can remember visiting him in a furnished room he lived in; it was a

really depressing place and telling him he would be all right. 

> >

> > I think that's part of my anxiety about him moving close to where we live,

is all that baggage that he's just dying to share with me.  I'm going to have to

tell him really honestly that I can't help him, I don't have the tools to help

him, and to be persistent about getting help.

> >

> > But he's almost 50, for goodness' sake.  Maybe he thinks he doesn't need a

freaking therapist b/c he thinks he has ME to talk to!?

> >

> >