how to help a teen friend with Borderline mom

[Guest guest]

My 17 year old daughter has an old friend, same age, who has a borderline

mother. She is a friend of mine, but because of her hypercraziness in every

aspect of raising her daughter, I avoid her. She is wrapped very tight, is in

her daughter's face always and her daughter is now threatening suicide.

I stepped in to show her that she has options, many ways out...that she doesn't

really want to die, but really to be out of pain. I am taking her threats

seriously and I am encouraging her to stay away from her mother and get

immediate help. She has been to the ER time and time again. CPS was called

yesterday because their arguing has escalated to physical pushing.

When I called the mom to try to calm things down, I was accused of trying to

encourage the daughter to continue seeing a bad boyfriend and to be more

rebellious. Obviously, this is not what I did and I very calmly told her that

she was wrong with that.

I am taking myself out of their drama, because I'm realizing that both of them

are lying somewhat...and I am not a professional. Thank G-d CPS is handling them

now.

My question is...what would all of you do with the daughter...I am always there

for her, always letting her know that I love her no matter what and that she can

always come to me. Other than that, they are both scaring me. I am a very honest

person and I have caught them both in outright lies. I do not want to be part of

their drama at all...but I do feel the obligation to help this girl.

barrycove@...

[Guest guest]

You have let the daughter know you are available. That is as much as you can do.

As much as we want to save other KO's--the way we wish we could have saved

ourselves--we can't. It's hard to watch the cycle repeating with other families,

but I think it's probably best not to get personally involved or offer advice

when it isn't solicited. You can't " calm things down. " It's just not in your

power to do. It's good that any abuse has been reported to CPS, hopefully this

young lady will seek the treatment she needs. I'm glad you are ready to step

back.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

> My question is...what would all of you do with the daughter...I am always

> there for her, always letting her know that I love her no matter what and

> that she can always come to me. Other than that, they are both scaring me.

> I am a very honest person and I have caught them both in outright lies. I

> do not want to be part of their drama at all...but I do feel the obligation

> to help this girl.

This sounds like a very difficult situation for you because they are both

lying. This could mean that they are both borderline, or it could mean that

the daughter has learned some very bad coping skills from her borderline

mother and is using them on you because she is desperate for help and

validation and doesn't feel she will be believed if she simply tells the

truth. As the child of a BP mom I know that kids of borderlines are

terrified that they will not be taken seriously and validated. (I suppose

it is also possible that the mother is fine and the daughter is the one who

is borderline; however, the mother's reaction when you called to try and

help leads me to think there is definitely SOME kind of problem on that end

that needs dealing with.)

Letting the daughter know you are available to her is definitely a helpful

and compassionate thing to do, but you may want to gently but firmly tell

the daughter that you will not tolerate being lied to. This is assuming

that you feel it is safe and comfortable for you personally to continue to

be involved in this situation; if you are NOT comfortable or do NOT feel

you have the resources, you should obviously not push yourself. If you

decide you are willing and able to continue to be involved, it would

probably be beneficial for the daughter for you to set kind but clear

boundaries for her -- that she can come to you, that you believe her and

want what's best for her and will do whatever you can legally to help her,

but that you will not attack her mother for her, and that lying to you to

get you to take action on her behalf is simply not acceptable. You could

try explaining that you care about her and her welfare very much, but that

when she lies to you it confuses and hurts you and makes it almost

impossible for you to know the best way to help. Make it as clear as you

can to her that while lying to you may seem like a good method for her to

use to be sure she gets your help, all it will actually do is make it

extremely difficult for you to be there for her as she needs.

You might also want to encourage her to be as truthful as possible with CPS

or any other adult she turns to for help at ALL TIMES. Lying about a

borderline's behavior can play right into the hands of the borderline's

disorder -- it validates their belief that THEY are the one sinned against,

that YOU are the problem, and of course it makes it that much harder for

you to get the outside support and help you need to deal with a borderline

in your life, particularly when that borderline is a parent and you are a

minor child. She needs to know that she will require help and support and

that to get it and maintain it she needs to be completely truthful with

those trying to help, as hard as that may seem to her.

Best of luck with the situation, and I hope you can help this girl. Whether

her mother is borderline or she is or they both are, there is obviously a

great potential for harm here. My focus would tend to be on the girl since,

as a minor, she is much more vulnerable no matter where the real problem

lies. But it sounds like her mother needs help as well.

-- J.

[Guest guest]

With the teen, that is your daughters friend, you need to remember that she IS

a child stil and can to some degree still be treated like one. Some grace and

mercy is def. in order. when you KNOW, without a doubt that she is lying to you

maybe try some variation of this...

Joanie, I want you to remember how much I love you and how much I want to be

there for you, to help you thru your struggles with your family. I know that

what you are telling me about XYZ isn't correct. I would like to understand, is

that what you really think, happened or was said? (keep in mind this child MAY

be either BPD herself or just so FLEA infested that she may have that warped

sense of her narrative of events too) Explain that you really want her to feel

like she is safe being truthful with you and that you truly only want the best

for her.

Lying if she herself is borderline, is in all likelihood merely a manifestation

of her own distorted reality. It may just be chalked up to teen hormones and

extreme stress combined with a healthy dose of what I am sure is shame about her

circumstances. and let us not forget that a hallmark of the teenage years is the

similarity to that hallmark BPD characteristic of... " it's ALL about THEM! " the

key thing is does this child under less chaotic circumstances display, a

conscience? Does she exhibit other BPD traits? Does she self hurt? Does she show

no remorse over hurtful things she has done or said in a fit of anger? Does she

feel entitled to treat people badly? those are just a few things I would look

for.

Being raised by a BPD, you know we tend to be hyperaware and even empathic of

those around us, even as teenagers, if we are healthy. We know something about

our mothers is not right and we resent the hell out of all the people that only

see that OTHER face that she shows to the world. We feel like everyone is

ganging up on us in believing that WE are the problem, after all aren't MOST

teenagers difficult, it couldn't possibly be the mother! All many nadas have to

say is " well, she IS a teenager " and that is good enough for the masses.

Sometimes all you really need is someone that can be a witness to the shit in

your life. My Bff and I have very little in common except that we both survived

our childhoods and were each others witness to the crazy and sad. She being

raised in genteel poverty by an undiagnosed Asperger's syndrome divorcee, with

no sign of a father figure other than a signature on a support check. (thank God

for that at least) and me being raised by a BPD queen/witch religious bigot and

an alcoholic father. I have so many friends with serious family issues or other

childhood traumas that I feel like I am surrounded by survivors!

Start wit the loving and non confrontational approach in your own words and see

what happens from there.

Carla

[Guest guest]

wow, thank you for the insights.

I will continue to be a sounding board for the daughter...and i did let her know

firmly, yet lovingly that i am not there to attack her mother, no there to

listen to lying...and I am not there to make decisions for either of them.

I also told her that whatever i do say to her is for boosting herself image and

confidence...not to use my words to yell them at her mother. That is simply not

tolerable to me. I will not become part of the drama that they are thriving on.

barrycove@...

[Guest guest]

Wow, kudos to you for attempting to help. That poor girl.

Such a tough question: b/c the girl is a minor, I would contact DYFS, which is

youth and family services, and place an anonymous call.

If it was a girl from my daughter's school, I would inform the school of what's

going on.

Other than that, I definitely would not, as you wisely said, place myself in the

situation and allow a professional to (hopefully) handle it.

What an awful situation; I can imagine how helpless you feel.

>

> My 17 year old daughter has an old friend, same age, who has a borderline

mother. She is a friend of mine, but because of her hypercraziness in every

aspect of raising her daughter, I avoid her. She is wrapped very tight, is in

her daughter's face always and her daughter is now threatening suicide.

>

>

> I stepped in to show her that she has options, many ways out...that she

doesn't really want to die, but really to be out of pain. I am taking her

threats seriously and I am encouraging her to stay away from her mother and get

immediate help. She has been to the ER time and time again. CPS was called

yesterday because their arguing has escalated to physical pushing.

>

>

> When I called the mom to try to calm things down, I was accused of trying to

encourage the daughter to continue seeing a bad boyfriend and to be more

rebellious. Obviously, this is not what I did and I very calmly told her that

she was wrong with that.

>

>

> I am taking myself out of their drama, because I'm realizing that both of them

are lying somewhat...and I am not a professional. Thank G-d CPS is handling them

now.

>

>

> My question is...what would all of you do with the daughter...I am always

there for her, always letting her know that I love her no matter what and that

she can always come to me. Other than that, they are both scaring me. I am a

very honest person and I have caught them both in outright lies. I do not want

to be part of their drama at all...but I do feel the obligation to help this

girl.

>

>

> barrycove@...

>

>

>

>