Guest guest Posted December 1, 2011 Report Share Posted December 1, 2011 Hello everyone, I'm a new member, and my therapist recently recommended that I read Understanding the Borderline Mother. I stayed up all night reading and I cannot believe how accurate it is. I felt like I was reading my own diary. It was insane how much truth was packed into one book. I couldn't believe what I was reading. I had no idea anyone else could have experienced what I went through, because it seems that no one wants to talk about it. Everyone around me wants to pretend like the abusive relationship I survived with my stepmother was OK. Almost normal, even. I've felt so worthless for so long, and I have so much more pain to work through, but I feel like this book has given me some hope. I'm not sure what the next step for me is. I will probably read Stop Walking on Eggshells once I can get a copy from the library. Any other book recommendations? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 2, 2011 Report Share Posted December 2, 2011 Hi, Welcome. I'm pretty new here too but I'm frantically reading everything I can get my hands on. " Stop Walking on Eggshells " is a very good place to start. " Surviving the Borderline Parent " is excellent for adult children of BPs. " Toxic Parents " is not about BP parents in general but is for anyone who had an abusive childhood. I highly recommend it. I am currently working on " Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change. " I am not too far into it but, while it seems to have some good stuff in it, I'm a little concerned that the intro section on " Children of Those with BP " is really perfunctory compared to the sections on " If your child is BP " and " if your partner is BP " and even " if your sibling is BP " . The " Children of Those with BP " section even concludes with the statement " It is certainly not fair to a child to have a parent with BPD, but unfortunately this is the way it is. Surely there are some positive qualities in the parent, and a great deal can be gained by accepting that the parent with BPD is doing the best he or she can. " ly, I think this particular statement is a more or less a load of crap that drastically minimizes the harm suffered by a child with a BP parent (or God forbid, two of them.) It rather sounds like the book writer can't really think of anything hopeful to say to a kid of a BP parent so she says something weak like " They must have had SOME good points.... " Er, not necessarily, you know? I feel that the writer isn't (so far at least) doing a very adequate job at ALL of addressing the terror, rage, shame, and confusion that someone parented by a BP generally feels toward the BP parent. I know in " Stop Walking on Eggshells " the authors are quite blunt about saying that if your partner is BP you should definitely hold off on starting a family until you are POSITIVE your BP significant other is well on the road to recovery and fully committed to it, because children are by their very nature invalidating creatures, and BPs react violently to perceived or real invalidation. Has anyone else read this book and have any comments on it? (The Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder one, not Eggshells.) I have about a dozen other books on order at my local library. As I work my way through the stack I'll let you know how useful they are. They are on a fairly wide variety of topics, including other personality disorders, coping strategies for dealing with manipulative people, self-acceptance, and even some works that attempt to deal with the nature of evil itself. So we'll see where any of that leads me. -- Jen > ** > > > Hello everyone, > I'm a new member, and my therapist recently recommended that I read > Understanding the Borderline Mother. I stayed up all night reading and I > cannot believe how accurate it is. I felt like I was reading my own diary. > It was insane how much truth was packed into one book. I couldn't believe > what I was reading. I had no idea anyone else could have experienced what I > went through, because it seems that no one wants to talk about it. Everyone > around me wants to pretend like the abusive relationship I survived with my > stepmother was OK. Almost normal, even. I've felt so worthless for so long, > and I have so much more pain to work through, but I feel like this book has > given me some hope. I'm not sure what the next step for me is. I will > probably read Stop Walking on Eggshells once I can get a copy from the > library. Any other book recommendations? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 4, 2011 Report Share Posted December 4, 2011 Welcome new members Jen and Liz! Jen, this part " I know in " Stop Walking on Eggshells " the authors are quite blunt about saying that if your partner is BP you should definitely hold off on starting a family until you are POSITIVE your BP significant other is well on the road to recovery and fully committed to it, because children are by their very nature invalidating creatures, and BPs react violently to perceived or real invalidation. " is really interesting to me...children invalidating by nature? I guess I was ruthlessly trained to be validating from the very start. I remember a few rare instances where my nada let my have it with the guilt and shame if I said something that hurt her feelings, implied she was wrong, or made her look bad to someone else. I remember endless lectures in the car when I was like 4 or 5 about how RUDE I was and after that heavy cold silence for the rest of the way home. That was an eternity on a two hour car trip. I know I was luckier than many that she didn't react with violence though. Still I learned to fear NOT performing emotionally with perfect pitch to keep her happy. Ugh. Eliza > > > ** > > > > > > Hello everyone, > > I'm a new member, and my therapist recently recommended that I read > > Understanding the Borderline Mother. I stayed up all night reading and I > > cannot believe how accurate it is. I felt like I was reading my own diary. > > It was insane how much truth was packed into one book. I couldn't believe > > what I was reading. I had no idea anyone else could have experienced what I > > went through, because it seems that no one wants to talk about it. Everyone > > around me wants to pretend like the abusive relationship I survived with my > > stepmother was OK. Almost normal, even. I've felt so worthless for so long, > > and I have so much more pain to work through, but I feel like this book has > > given me some hope. I'm not sure what the next step for me is. I will > > probably read Stop Walking on Eggshells once I can get a copy from the > > library. Any other book recommendations? > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 4, 2011 Report Share Posted December 4, 2011 I had the same experience my nada wanted(s) me to keep to a perfect little (tiny) range of emotions. she constantly berated me for " overreacting " whenever I responded to anything. she still sees me as incapable of real emotions because she sees me as so irrational. I think children are invalidating by nature I have 3. but I was carefully trained to be an expert doormat. I used to feel like I was in trouble 24/7. now I know she just wants control too bad for her I have a personality. > > > > > ** > > > > > > > > > Hello everyone, > > > I'm a new member, and my therapist recently recommended that I read > > > Understanding the Borderline Mother. I stayed up all night reading and I > > > cannot believe how accurate it is. I felt like I was reading my own diary. > > > It was insane how much truth was packed into one book. I couldn't believe > > > what I was reading. I had no idea anyone else could have experienced what I > > > went through, because it seems that no one wants to talk about it. Everyone > > > around me wants to pretend like the abusive relationship I survived with my > > > stepmother was OK. Almost normal, even. I've felt so worthless for so long, > > > and I have so much more pain to work through, but I feel like this book has > > > given me some hope. I'm not sure what the next step for me is. I will > > > probably read Stop Walking on Eggshells once I can get a copy from the > > > library. Any other book recommendations? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 4, 2011 Report Share Posted December 4, 2011 Hi, One of the books that has helped me the most, is Evil Genes, by Barbara Oakley. Fantastic book! Best of luck, Sunspot > ** > > > > I had the same experience my nada wanted(s) me to keep to a perfect little > (tiny) range of emotions. she constantly berated me for " overreacting " > whenever I responded to anything. she still sees me as incapable of real > emotions because she sees me as so irrational. > I think children are invalidating by nature I have 3. but I was carefully > trained to be an expert doormat. I used to feel like I was in trouble 24/7. > now I know she just wants control too bad for her I have a personality. > > > > > > > > > ** > > > > > > > > > > > > Hello everyone, > > > > I'm a new member, and my therapist recently recommended that I read > > > > Understanding the Borderline Mother. I stayed up all night reading > and I > > > > cannot believe how accurate it is. I felt like I was reading my own > diary. > > > > It was insane how much truth was packed into one book. I couldn't > believe > > > > what I was reading. I had no idea anyone else could have experienced > what I > > > > went through, because it seems that no one wants to talk about it. > Everyone > > > > around me wants to pretend like the abusive relationship I survived > with my > > > > stepmother was OK. Almost normal, even. I've felt so worthless for > so long, > > > > and I have so much more pain to work through, but I feel like this > book has > > > > given me some hope. I'm not sure what the next step for me is. I will > > > > probably read Stop Walking on Eggshells once I can get a copy from > the > > > > library. Any other book recommendations? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 4, 2011 Report Share Posted December 4, 2011 On Sun, Dec 4, 2011 at 11:22 PM, eliza92@... < eliza92@...> wrote: > ** > > > Welcome new members Jen and Liz! > > Jen, this part " I know in " Stop Walking on Eggshells " the authors are > quite blunt about saying that if your partner is BP you should definitely > hold off on starting a family until you are POSITIVE your BP significant > other is well on the road to recovery and fully committed to it, because > children are by their very nature invalidating creatures, and BPs react > violently to perceived or real invalidation. " > > is really interesting to me...children invalidating by nature? I guess I > was ruthlessly trained to be validating from the very start. I remember a > few rare instances where my nada let my have it with the guilt and shame if > I said something that hurt her feelings, implied she was wrong, or made her > look bad to someone else. I remember endless lectures in the car when I was > like 4 or 5 about how RUDE I was and after that heavy cold silence for the > rest of the way home. That was an eternity on a two hour car trip. I know I > was luckier than many that she didn't react with violence though. Still I > learned to fear NOT performing emotionally with perfect pitch to keep her > happy. Ugh. > > Yeah, see, good parents know that kids are rude, and they gently teach them do to better without making them feel shame for the crime of being a child and being naturally self-centered. There is a huge difference between encouraging your kids to think of others, and invalidating them. It's the difference between saying, 'Honey, it's not good to be rude to people, it makes them feel bad. Try not to do that, " and saying " You are such a rude and terrible child! How could I possibly love such a nasty rude little evil child like you? You have to do better! " The first is good parenting, and the second is abuse. But thanks to the tendency of BPs to engage in splitting (black-and-white thinking), a child who is rude is not just a child who needs tutoring in the fine art of manners -- a child who is rude is an EVIL BAD CHILD who needs to be PUNISHED. The reaction is particularly violent if the child is perceived as being rude to the BP parent -- then the child is an EXTRA SPECIAL BAD EVIL CHILD who must be SEVERELY PUNISHED. Because the worst thing you can do to a BP is not think of THEM first -- and NO child thinks of their parent first. Not until well into maturity. And then the child may do something the BP parent approves of, and suddenly the child is a WONDERFUL MIRACLE BEAUTIFUL CHILD who can DO NO WRONG.....until the next time they behave like a normal child again. And then the BP parent flips BACK....and you get a dreadfully confused kid who doesn't know whether they are " evil " or " good " (chances they are both, of course, and neither, like most people.) Some kids respond by going " Okay, fine, I'm a devil, I'll run with that, " and they start acting out severely. Some go " I want to be an angel, if I just try harder I can be an angel all the time! " and become severe perfectionists who are perpetually disappointed in themselves because no one can be an angel all the time (and you particularly can't be an angel all the time with a BP parent.) Some just get very very confused and wind up depressed or showing BP-like symptoms themselves. Seriously, BP and parenting are just such a terrible match. -- Jen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 5, 2011 Report Share Posted December 5, 2011 Violence has been a part of by life with by BPD mother. She turned over the dining room table at Thanksgiving one year due to one of her outbursts. She has charged at me & slapped me across the face. I have been grabbed by the arm on more than one occassion. I am always fearful of a face to face confrontation because I do not know if it will end of physical. I would never hit her, but I am not going to take it either. I have tried to pry her hands off of me & get out of her way. She is much smaller than me, but when she is violent, I think she could whip even the biggest giant out there. If this is girlfriend relationship, run for your life. You do not have to settle for someone like this. Unfortunately, I am stuck...I cannot chhose who my mother is. > > Hi. I have a bit of a different take on this group's topic. > For the last six years I have been in a relationship with > someone who seems to have the BPD in spades, and, their > child too. > The thing about flip-flops in perception of reality, that's > it for sure. I was a very balanced person myself six years ago. > Now, due to BPD, and a few other wonderful disorders on the part > of gf and daughter, I think I truly have PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress > Disorder). I had a decent-paying job, a car, and decent clothes too. > My health, too. And my home. Now I have none of those. > I really feel badly for those of you who have had parent(s) like this, > I couldn't stand it I don't think. > It has basically cost me everything. > I have stopped trying to reason with them. You can't reason with > people like that. > One minute I have an excellent memory according to them, and the next > I have a poor memory. One minute I am the best mate in the world, and > the next I'm a monster. It's really bad when two of them tag-team > one. Is violence a common feature of BDP, or do I just have a few > special individuals to deal with? > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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