NC Nada suprises me at family gathering

[Guest guest]

I used to post regularly, but I haven't in a while because my life has been so

much better since I went NC a few years ago.

Yesterday, Nada instigated a surprise attack at a family gathering which I only

went to because she had told everyone that there was absolutely no way she could

attend. My husband and I got our keys and our daughter to leave as soon as Nada

showed up.

We didn't leave (big mistake) because she assured everyone that she was only

staying a few minutes and that I shouldn't leave. My husband, daughter and I

waited outside, but she stayed for another hour. My uncle and aunts wanted us

to stay (and for Nada to leave), but we finally left. Her game was to pretend

she was going to leave but not actually do it until we left.

My daughter (age 6) was so upset. She would have been less upset if we had just

left when Nada showed up, and I feel like I let her down again by making the

wrong decision. (One of the reasons I went NC was to protect my daughter from

Nada).

Until yesterday, we had only told our daughter that we don't see Nada because

she has some grown-up issues she needs to deal with. Yesterday, my daughter had

2 hours worth of questions---most of which I didn't answer because she is still

too young and some of which I didn't answer because I will never tell her how

horrible my childhood was. During the whole incident, she overheard an uncle

tell me that he had taken my childhood pictures out of the trash and saved them

for me. When we left, she asked, " Mama, why does your Mama hate you? " I

explained that my mama doesn't hate me; she just has a hard time thinking

straight sometimes and it makes her act not very nice. She can't help it. But

the truth is that I have been asking myself that question since I was little.

I'm a mess. I have been doing so well; I have felt so " normal " and geniunely

happy. Now, I am back to feeling sad, angry, confused and like I might vomit.

Has anyone else had this happen?

[Guest guest]

I understand; the last time I got " ambushed " by my nada, it literally made me

physically ill. Its one of the reasons I'm staying in virtually No Contact for

now.

My theory is that when we get ambushed like that, it suddenly and unexpectedly

hurls us back into the powerless state we experienced in childhood: we

re-experience the terror of being trapped with someone who has all the power and

who clearly does not mean us well, who wants to hurt us, humiliate us, or

torment us. Being ambushed by nada triggers a post-traumatic-stress-disorder

kind of flashback experience, perhaps.

For me, being ambushed results in going emotionally numb (like dissociating,

sort of, except I remember it clearly. I guess I'm dissociating or distancing

myself from my emotions, instead of my memories, just to get through it) but

then afterward my body reacts to the surge of stress and anxiety with physical

symptoms like loud ringing in the ears, vertigo, nausea, vomiting and a killer

headache.

So, anyway. I hope you can avoid future ambushes. If you're seeing a

therapist, maybe he or she can give you some techniques for purging yourself of

the reaction symptoms you are experiencing now: the depression and other things.

I think you are a great mom to be so protective of your daughter, by not sharing

with her every hideous detail of what was done to you as a child. That's not

her burden to carry. She is lucky to have you as a mom.

And, I think she's right. Children sometimes can see things very clearly. I

agree: the kind of behavior that involves ambushing and tormenting your own

child (out of a desire for payback?) is NOT coming from a loving heart, in my

opinion.

I think the most frustrating part of your post is that even though you mentioned

that the rest of your family *said* that they did *not* want your mother to show

up at the event, *they invited her* in the first place, and then nobody stopped

her from coming in when she did show up. They just let her barge on in. What a

bunch of wussies.

Well, now you know; your foo is wimpy and non-confrontational, and nada can't be

trusted.

Knowledge is power; so, maybe think of this as a learning experience and you'll

not be so easily tricked next time.

-Annie

>

> I used to post regularly, but I haven't in a while because my life has been so

much better since I went NC a few years ago.

>

> Yesterday, Nada instigated a surprise attack at a family gathering which I

only went to because she had told everyone that there was absolutely no way she

could attend. My husband and I got our keys and our daughter to leave as soon

as Nada showed up.

>

> We didn't leave (big mistake) because she assured everyone that she was only

staying a few minutes and that I shouldn't leave. My husband, daughter and I

waited outside, but she stayed for another hour. My uncle and aunts wanted us

to stay (and for Nada to leave), but we finally left. Her game was to pretend

she was going to leave but not actually do it until we left.

>

> My daughter (age 6) was so upset. She would have been less upset if we had

just left when Nada showed up, and I feel like I let her down again by making

the wrong decision. (One of the reasons I went NC was to protect my daughter

from Nada).

>

> Until yesterday, we had only told our daughter that we don't see Nada because

she has some grown-up issues she needs to deal with. Yesterday, my daughter had

2 hours worth of questions---most of which I didn't answer because she is still

too young and some of which I didn't answer because I will never tell her how

horrible my childhood was. During the whole incident, she overheard an uncle

tell me that he had taken my childhood pictures out of the trash and saved them

for me. When we left, she asked, " Mama, why does your Mama hate you? " I

explained that my mama doesn't hate me; she just has a hard time thinking

straight sometimes and it makes her act not very nice. She can't help it. But

the truth is that I have been asking myself that question since I was little.

>

> I'm a mess. I have been doing so well; I have felt so " normal " and geniunely

happy. Now, I am back to feeling sad, angry, confused and like I might vomit.

>

> Has anyone else had this happen?

>

[Guest guest]

I was NC from the time my children were 2 & 3 until 8 & 9. While we never had an

ambush from nada during that time, I did have questions from my kids.

Don't hide the truth from your daughter--just tell it in age appropriate terms.

The easy answer is that your mother is very, very angry at you and tries to make

you miserable so that you feel as bad as she does inside. Tell your daughter

that isn't normal for a grown up, it's more normal for very young people who

don't have the words to express themselves--like babies. You can even remind

your daughter about the last time she got angry with you, but the 2 of you

talked it out to forgiveness, still love each other and don't want to hurt each

other. But your mama can't do that, and it is very sad.

Sometimes children want specific instances. I shied away from giving these

unless I had examples that were easy for someone their age to understand. Of

course by now they have heard them all.

When we reconciled with nada, the kids were guarded but open to meeting her.

When the inevitable problems came up, my kids had pretty good radar about when

she was going nutty on them. They didn't wonder if it was them, instead they

came to me to help them process what happened and we decided as a family how to

handle nada's excursions into crazy town. Now they are adults, and still choose

to visit with nada in small doses.

Your mother sounds very abusive and is surprisingly aggressive in the presence

of others. That in itself is very disturbing and would convince me to stay NC

unless she completely changes her tune and enters therapy.

T1 , " anuria67854 " wrote:

>

> I understand; the last time I got " ambushed " by my nada, it literally made me

physically ill. Its one of the reasons I'm staying in virtually No Contact for

now.

>

> My theory is that when we get ambushed like that, it suddenly and unexpectedly

hurls us back into the powerless state we experienced in childhood: we

re-experience the terror of being trapped with someone who has all the power and

who clearly does not mean us well, who wants to hurt us, humiliate us, or

torment us. Being ambushed by nada triggers a post-traumatic-stress-disorder

kind of flashback experience, perhaps.

>

> For me, being ambushed results in going emotionally numb (like dissociating,

sort of, except I remember it clearly. I guess I'm dissociating or distancing

myself from my emotions, instead of my memories, just to get through it) but

then afterward my body reacts to the surge of stress and anxiety with physical

symptoms like loud ringing in the ears, vertigo, nausea, vomiting and a killer

headache.

>

> So, anyway. I hope you can avoid future ambushes. If you're seeing a

therapist, maybe he or she can give you some techniques for purging yourself of

the reaction symptoms you are experiencing now: the depression and other things.

>

> I think you are a great mom to be so protective of your daughter, by not

sharing with her every hideous detail of what was done to you as a child.

That's not her burden to carry. She is lucky to have you as a mom.

>

> And, I think she's right. Children sometimes can see things very clearly. I

agree: the kind of behavior that involves ambushing and tormenting your own

child (out of a desire for payback?) is NOT coming from a loving heart, in my

opinion.

>

> I think the most frustrating part of your post is that even though you

mentioned that the rest of your family *said* that they did *not* want your

mother to show up at the event, *they invited her* in the first place, and then

nobody stopped her from coming in when she did show up. They just let her barge

on in. What a bunch of wussies.

>

> Well, now you know; your foo is wimpy and non-confrontational, and nada can't

be trusted.

>

> Knowledge is power; so, maybe think of this as a learning experience and

you'll not be so easily tricked next time.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > I used to post regularly, but I haven't in a while because my life has been

so much better since I went NC a few years ago.

> >

> > Yesterday, Nada instigated a surprise attack at a family gathering which I

only went to because she had told everyone that there was absolutely no way she

could attend. My husband and I got our keys and our daughter to leave as soon

as Nada showed up.

> >

> > We didn't leave (big mistake) because she assured everyone that she was only

staying a few minutes and that I shouldn't leave. My husband, daughter and I

waited outside, but she stayed for another hour. My uncle and aunts wanted us

to stay (and for Nada to leave), but we finally left. Her game was to pretend

she was going to leave but not actually do it until we left.

> >

> > My daughter (age 6) was so upset. She would have been less upset if we had

just left when Nada showed up, and I feel like I let her down again by making

the wrong decision. (One of the reasons I went NC was to protect my daughter

from Nada).

> >

> > Until yesterday, we had only told our daughter that we don't see Nada

because she has some grown-up issues she needs to deal with. Yesterday, my

daughter had 2 hours worth of questions---most of which I didn't answer because

she is still too young and some of which I didn't answer because I will never

tell her how horrible my childhood was. During the whole incident, she

overheard an uncle tell me that he had taken my childhood pictures out of the

trash and saved them for me. When we left, she asked, " Mama, why does your Mama

hate you? " I explained that my mama doesn't hate me; she just has a hard time

thinking straight sometimes and it makes her act not very nice. She can't help

it. But the truth is that I have been asking myself that question since I was

little.

> >

> > I'm a mess. I have been doing so well; I have felt so " normal " and

geniunely happy. Now, I am back to feeling sad, angry, confused and like I

might vomit.

> >

> > Has anyone else had this happen?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Annie and Echobabe1,

Thank you for your kind, supportive and thoughtful responses---they really

helped me.

Annie, thank you for sharing how you felt after being ambushed. I think I did

the same thing. I calmly handled the " crisis " but afterwards I had physical

(and mental) symptoms of stress and sadness. It's hard for me to accept that

her actions can still affect me this way, and I get angry at myself for

" letting " it. The part of your post about the ambush triggering a ptsd like

symptoms really spoke to me and helped me be kinder to myself about it. I called

my therapist (who I haven't seen recently because things had been going so well)

and made an appointment.

Echobabe1, I have a very difficult time sharing information with my sweet

child--but I know that it's important to validate what she is seeing/hearing

rather than ignoring it. I loved the age-appropriate explanation, and when she

brings it up again (she will!), that's exactly what I am going to tell her. I

have never really thought about preparing her for a possible relationship with

Nada, but she will need the preparation if it is to ever happen.

However, this whole incident has convinced me that it is better to stay NC for

now---I had been considering trying LC---but Nada was so awful (and it affected

me so much) that I know it's not the time for that. Silver lining.

Both of your responses were exactly what I needed--thank you more than I can

say.

Bunny

> > >

> > > I used to post regularly, but I haven't in a while because my life has

been so much better since I went NC a few years ago.

> > >

> > > Yesterday, Nada instigated a surprise attack at a family gathering which I

only went to because she had told everyone that there was absolutely no way she

could attend. My husband and I got our keys and our daughter to leave as soon

as Nada showed up.

> > >

> > > We didn't leave (big mistake) because she assured everyone that she was

only staying a few minutes and that I shouldn't leave. My husband, daughter and

I waited outside, but she stayed for another hour. My uncle and aunts wanted us

to stay (and for Nada to leave), but we finally left. Her game was to pretend

she was going to leave but not actually do it until we left.

> > >

> > > My daughter (age 6) was so upset. She would have been less upset if we

had just left when Nada showed up, and I feel like I let her down again by

making the wrong decision. (One of the reasons I went NC was to protect my

daughter from Nada).

> > >

> > > Until yesterday, we had only told our daughter that we don't see Nada

because she has some grown-up issues she needs to deal with. Yesterday, my

daughter had 2 hours worth of questions---most of which I didn't answer because

she is still too young and some of which I didn't answer because I will never

tell her how horrible my childhood was. During the whole incident, she

overheard an uncle tell me that he had taken my childhood pictures out of the

trash and saved them for me. When we left, she asked, " Mama, why does your Mama

hate you? " I explained that my mama doesn't hate me; she just has a hard time

thinking straight sometimes and it makes her act not very nice. She can't help

it. But the truth is that I have been asking myself that question since I was

little.

> > >

> > > I'm a mess. I have been doing so well; I have felt so " normal " and

geniunely happy. Now, I am back to feeling sad, angry, confused and like I

might vomit.

> > >

> > > Has anyone else had this happen?

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You are welcome, Bunny!

And for what it is worth, the actions of your nada would probably lead me to

stay NC--I think I would have felt 'hunted' if my mom had ever done that to me.

She makes me a nervous wreck when her disorder is active as it is.

> > > >

> > > > I used to post regularly, but I haven't in a while because my life has

been so much better since I went NC a few years ago.

> > > >

> > > > Yesterday, Nada instigated a surprise attack at a family gathering which

I only went to because she had told everyone that there was absolutely no way

she could attend. My husband and I got our keys and our daughter to leave as

soon as Nada showed up.

> > > >

> > > > We didn't leave (big mistake) because she assured everyone that she was

only staying a few minutes and that I shouldn't leave. My husband, daughter and

I waited outside, but she stayed for another hour. My uncle and aunts wanted us

to stay (and for Nada to leave), but we finally left. Her game was to pretend

she was going to leave but not actually do it until we left.

> > > >

> > > > My daughter (age 6) was so upset. She would have been less upset if we

had just left when Nada showed up, and I feel like I let her down again by

making the wrong decision. (One of the reasons I went NC was to protect my

daughter from Nada).

> > > >

> > > > Until yesterday, we had only told our daughter that we don't see Nada

because she has some grown-up issues she needs to deal with. Yesterday, my

daughter had 2 hours worth of questions---most of which I didn't answer because

she is still too young and some of which I didn't answer because I will never

tell her how horrible my childhood was. During the whole incident, she

overheard an uncle tell me that he had taken my childhood pictures out of the

trash and saved them for me. When we left, she asked, " Mama, why does your Mama

hate you? " I explained that my mama doesn't hate me; she just has a hard time

thinking straight sometimes and it makes her act not very nice. She can't help

it. But the truth is that I have been asking myself that question since I was

little.

> > > >

> > > > I'm a mess. I have been doing so well; I have felt so " normal " and

geniunely happy. Now, I am back to feeling sad, angry, confused and like I

might vomit.

> > > >

> > > > Has anyone else had this happen?

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I have been in the same situation as you before and in my case both my mom and

grandmother have bpd and i was their target... lucky me! Before, i would just

stay quiet and take hours of abuse by them hoping that eventually they would

focus on someone else but now things are so different: my grandmother has been

dead for couple of years so she can't hurt me and my mom is scared of my

husband. I organized an easter day picnic and eventhough i did invite my mom, i

did it so she wouldnt go around saying i didnt invite her, nobody wanted her to

come. She had told my aunts she was going but ended up not showing up when she

heard my awesome mother in law was at the picnic. Both my in laws and husband

have problem putting her in her place. My uncles just ignore her. I only have

1 aunt who is enabling her right now.

Your family is probably ljke mine. They just want her away from their lifes but

do not want the confrontation with her because it will be a never ending war of

words.

>

> I used to post regularly, but I haven't in a while because my life has been so

much better since I went NC a few years ago.

>

> Yesterday, Nada instigated a surprise attack at a family gathering which I

only went to because she had told everyone that there was absolutely no way she

could attend. My husband and I got our keys and our daughter to leave as soon

as Nada showed up.

>

> We didn't leave (big mistake) because she assured everyone that she was only

staying a few minutes and that I shouldn't leave. My husband, daughter and I

waited outside, but she stayed for another hour. My uncle and aunts wanted us

to stay (and for Nada to leave), but we finally left. Her game was to pretend

she was going to leave but not actually do it until we left.

>

> My daughter (age 6) was so upset. She would have been less upset if we had

just left when Nada showed up, and I feel like I let her down again by making

the wrong decision. (One of the reasons I went NC was to protect my daughter

from Nada).

>

> Until yesterday, we had only told our daughter that we don't see Nada because

she has some grown-up issues she needs to deal with. Yesterday, my daughter had

2 hours worth of questions---most of which I didn't answer because she is still

too young and some of which I didn't answer because I will never tell her how

horrible my childhood was. During the whole incident, she overheard an uncle

tell me that he had taken my childhood pictures out of the trash and saved them

for me. When we left, she asked, " Mama, why does your Mama hate you? " I

explained that my mama doesn't hate me; she just has a hard time thinking

straight sometimes and it makes her act not very nice. She can't help it. But

the truth is that I have been asking myself that question since I was little.

>

> I'm a mess. I have been doing so well; I have felt so " normal " and geniunely

happy. Now, I am back to feeling sad, angry, confused and like I might vomit.

>

> Has anyone else had this happen?

>

[Guest guest]

hi shake,

I am really touched by what you have posted. it really is heartening to know

that a child of a bpd has been able to find supportive people out there who love

them and will defend their right not to be abused. I am in the tunnel right now,

seeing only faint light at the end, and it helps so much to have read this

description of a loving family who will defend someone against a bpd attack on

them. it gives me hope that life might hold more for me someday.

> >

> > I used to post regularly, but I haven't in a while because my life has been

so much better since I went NC a few years ago.

> >

> > Yesterday, Nada instigated a surprise attack at a family gathering which I

only went to because she had told everyone that there was absolutely no way she

could attend. My husband and I got our keys and our daughter to leave as soon

as Nada showed up.

> >

> > We didn't leave (big mistake) because she assured everyone that she was only

staying a few minutes and that I shouldn't leave. My husband, daughter and I

waited outside, but she stayed for another hour. My uncle and aunts wanted us

to stay (and for Nada to leave), but we finally left. Her game was to pretend

she was going to leave but not actually do it until we left.

> >

> > My daughter (age 6) was so upset. She would have been less upset if we had

just left when Nada showed up, and I feel like I let her down again by making

the wrong decision. (One of the reasons I went NC was to protect my daughter

from Nada).

> >

> > Until yesterday, we had only told our daughter that we don't see Nada

because she has some grown-up issues she needs to deal with. Yesterday, my

daughter had 2 hours worth of questions---most of which I didn't answer because

she is still too young and some of which I didn't answer because I will never

tell her how horrible my childhood was. During the whole incident, she

overheard an uncle tell me that he had taken my childhood pictures out of the

trash and saved them for me. When we left, she asked, " Mama, why does your Mama

hate you? " I explained that my mama doesn't hate me; she just has a hard time

thinking straight sometimes and it makes her act not very nice. She can't help

it. But the truth is that I have been asking myself that question since I was

little.

> >

> > I'm a mess. I have been doing so well; I have felt so " normal " and

geniunely happy. Now, I am back to feeling sad, angry, confused and like I

might vomit.

> >

> > Has anyone else had this happen?

> >

>