Wishing it (they) would disappear?

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

So as my bpd mother gets older and I start to think about what the future may

bring and how I might actually have to deal with her at some point if she needs

assistance, etc., most of the time my thoughts are that I wish she would just go

away. I often think this. I am basically no contact (or very very very LOW) and

have been for a long time. I don't want anything more, but the problem, of

course, is that parents are connected to the rest of the family and there are

all the entanglements that come with that. Aging, of course, will bring more

entanglements.

So at my worst I have even found myself thinking things like, maybe she will die

before any health issues/living assitance issues will come up. And sometimes,

yes, the phrase " if I am lucky " may precede those thoughts. Of course, I don't

REALLY wish her dead, but dead to me in the sense of being just gone (which is

impossible, of course)Â ...

In short: do any of you all ever have such thoughts?

crockett

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

@.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)

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[Guest guest]

I think that's normal, to want something/someone negative to move on to

something or someone else.

Esp when things are extremely bad between us, I find myself wishing my mother

would move back to her homeland. It's a lovely fantasy. Interestingly, even

though HER mother is still alive and her siblings have begged her to come see

their mother, my mother won't go.

So that undying loyalty is only expected from her children to her, not from

herself to her own mother. It's weird. I know it's the hermity part of her, the

agoraphobic part that holds her back, but still. No one else can have any

excuses, just her.

>

> Hi all,

>

> So as my bpd mother gets older and I start to think about what the future may

bring and how I might actually have to deal with her at some point if she needs

assistance, etc., most of the time my thoughts are that I wish she would just go

away. I often think this. I am basically no contact (or very very very LOW) and

have been for a long time. I don't want anything more, but the problem, of

course, is that parents are connected to the rest of the family and there are

all the entanglements that come with that. Aging, of course, will bring more

entanglements.

>

> So at my worst I have even found myself thinking things like, maybe she will

die before any health issues/living assitance issues will come up. And

sometimes, yes, the phrase " if I am lucky " may precede those thoughts. Of

course, I don't REALLY wish her dead, but dead to me in the sense of being just

gone (which is impossible, of course)  ...

>

> In short: do any of you all ever have such thoughts?

>

> crockett

>

>

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

@... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

>

>

> To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

>

> Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)

> MARKETPLACE

> Stay on top of your group activity without leaving the page you're on - Get

the Yahoo! Toolbar now.<img width= " 1 " height= " 1 " alt= " "

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>

[Guest guest]

Yes, pretty much on a daily basis. My kids, all young adults say it, too,

but then we joke and say, who are we kidding, her parents lived to be 96 and 98.

But then again, she has NEVER taken care of herself, abused prescription drugs

for decades etc.

I have a friend, whose nada was an undiagnosed BPD. My friend was putting up

with the typical vicious, mean voice mails and calls at work, splitting,

gameplaying with her and the grandkids, so much abuse. I explained what BPD

was, and it clicked for my friend.

A few months later, she called me at 7 am to tell me that her mom had been

killed in a murder-suicide by her stepdad. She said, " I can't tell anyone this

but you.....I am so relieved. " Oh, and the last words from her mom were in a

voice message telling her that she was a no good whore.

>

> Hi all,

>

> So as my bpd mother gets older and I start to think about what the future may

bring and how I might actually have to deal with her at some point if she needs

assistance, etc., most of the time my thoughts are that I wish she would just go

away. I often think this. I am basically no contact (or very very very LOW) and

have been for a long time. I don't want anything more, but the problem, of

course, is that parents are connected to the rest of the family and there are

all the entanglements that come with that. Aging, of course, will bring more

entanglements.

>

> So at my worst I have even found myself thinking things like, maybe she will

die before any health issues/living assitance issues will come up. And

sometimes, yes, the phrase " if I am lucky " may precede those thoughts. Of

course, I don't REALLY wish her dead, but dead to me in the sense of being just

gone (which is impossible, of course)  ...

>

> In short: do any of you all ever have such thoughts?

>

> crockett

>

>

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

@... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

>

>

> To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

>

> Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)

> MARKETPLACE

> Stay on top of your group activity without leaving the page you're on - Get

the Yahoo! Toolbar now.<img width= " 1 " height= " 1 " alt= " "

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[Guest guest]

Thank you for sharing this story as it means a lot. What I didn't mention in my

email is the way I wonder if my thoughts are just absolutely horrible even

though I know on some level that they aren't, or that I wouldn't judge someone

else for saying them. Because, to be ENTIRELY honest, sometimes I wish she were

already dead. And I completely understand the reaction of relief. I will

probably feel the same way. It doesn't mean I won't feel sad for the life that

was wasted, but still relieved. We are told/taught that we have this connection

to our parents that supposedly should last and be there through everything, but

when I encounter people in my friend life who behave like this, I dump them and

never look back.

Thanks again,

crockett

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, December 5, 2011 6:06 PM

Subject: Re: Wishing it (they) would disappear?

 

Yes, pretty much on a daily basis. My kids, all young adults say it, too,

but then we joke and say, who are we kidding, her parents lived to be 96 and 98.

But then again, she has NEVER taken care of herself, abused prescription drugs

for decades etc.

I have a friend, whose nada was an undiagnosed BPD. My friend was putting up

with the typical vicious, mean voice mails and calls at work, splitting,

gameplaying with her and the grandkids, so much abuse. I explained what BPD

was, and it clicked for my friend.

A few months later, she called me at 7 am to tell me that her mom had been

killed in a murder-suicide by her stepdad. She said, " I can't tell anyone this

but you.....I am so relieved. " Oh, and the last words from her mom were in a

voice message telling her that she was a no good whore.

>

> Hi all,

>

> So as my bpd mother gets older and I start to think about what the future may

bring and how I might actually have to deal with her at some point if she needs

assistance, etc., most of the time my thoughts are that I wish she would just go

away. I often think this. I am basically no contact (or very very very LOW) and

have been for a long time. I don't want anything more, but the problem, of

course, is that parents are connected to the rest of the family and there are

all the entanglements that come with that. Aging, of course, will bring more

entanglements.

>

> So at my worst I have even found myself thinking things like, maybe she will

die before any health issues/living assitance issues will come up. And

sometimes, yes, the phrase " if I am lucky " may precede those thoughts. Of

course, I don't REALLY wish her dead, but dead to me in the sense of being just

gone (which is impossible, of course)  ...

>

> In short: do any of you all ever have such thoughts?

>

> crockett

>

>

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

@... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

>

>

> To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

>

> Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)

> MARKETPLACE

> Stay on top of your group activity without leaving the page you're on - Get

the Yahoo! Toolbar now.<img width= " 1 " height= " 1 " alt= " "

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[Guest guest]

Hi Crockett:

I have these thoughts on a regular basis - I wonder if her death would bring me

peace because all I have ever known with my nada is drama and abuse. Even now -

as sick as she is with cancer, she is still playing games of making sure to

always let me know (in her subtle ways) that I am not good enough and that my

brothers are the chosen ones (since I went low contact with her).

To be quite honest - it is much simpler to have them die before they need

assistance - I am finding that I am torn between my hatred towards her and the

empathy I feel for her illness. My nada uses her illness as a way to manipulate

us and nothing can be said about her bad behaviour because she can feign " an

attack " or blame me for how sick she is.

I am finding that it is challenging to not enter the FOG with her being old and

sick.

So....to answer your question - no you are not horrible and I have these

thoughts alot. I think it is very nomral considering where we all came from.

Koko

> >

> > Hi all,

> >

> > So as my bpd mother gets older and I start to think about what the future

may bring and how I might actually have to deal with her at some point if she

needs assistance, etc., most of the time my thoughts are that I wish she would

just go away. I often think this. I am basically no contact (or very very very

LOW) and have been for a long time. I don't want anything more, but the problem,

of course, is that parents are connected to the rest of the family and there are

all the entanglements that come with that. Aging, of course, will bring more

entanglements.

> >

> > So at my worst I have even found myself thinking things like, maybe she will

die before any health issues/living assitance issues will come up. And

sometimes, yes, the phrase " if I am lucky " may precede those thoughts. Of

course, I don't REALLY wish her dead, but dead to me in the sense of being just

gone (which is impossible, of course)  ...

> >

> > In short: do any of you all ever have such thoughts?

> >

> > crockett

> >

> >

> >

> > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @

DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> >

> >

> > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

> >

> > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)

> > MARKETPLACE

> > Stay on top of your group activity without leaving the page you're on - Get

the Yahoo! Toolbar now.<img width= " 1 " height= " 1 " alt= " "

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[Guest guest]

I can totally relate-- I've been feeling this way for the 1st time just in the

last few weeks. Just when it all started to click, when I joined this group,

when I started to set up boundaries on my own, and when I started to deal with

the insane, abusive fallout. I wish she were dead. I said it to myself at

first, and it felt so good. Then I said it in therapy, struggling to get the

words out, hesitating, and then whispering....to my surprise, my therapist was

relieved to hear me say it--and smiled. I think it's the start of me feeling

angry. really angry, for the 1st time, for all that she has done to me-- the 51

years of wasted energy feeling guilty, undeserving, not trusting anyone, being

afraid, and not knowing how to have a real relationship. that me feeling good,

will not literally kill her!

I wish she were dead. Life would be so much easier. My family could finally

move on, out of the quagmire of her lunacy. I'm so angry. Maybe when I move

beyond the anger, I won't have to feel this way. she'll just be who she is and

I'll be who I am and it won't effect me to this point.

it makes me so sad. I just want the Mom I never had, and now I know for sure,

she's never going to come....it breaks my heart.

~Debbie

> >

> > Hi all,

> >

> > So as my bpd mother gets older and I start to think about what the future

may bring and how I might actually have to deal with her at some point if she

needs assistance, etc., most of the time my thoughts are that I wish she would

just go away. I often think this. I am basically no contact (or very very very

LOW) and have been for a long time. I don't want anything more, but the problem,

of course, is that parents are connected to the rest of the family and there are

all the entanglements that come with that. Aging, of course, will bring more

entanglements.

> >

> > So at my worst I have even found myself thinking things like, maybe she will

die before any health issues/living assitance issues will come up. And

sometimes, yes, the phrase " if I am lucky " may precede those thoughts. Of

course, I don't REALLY wish her dead, but dead to me in the sense of being just

gone (which is impossible, of course)  ...

> >

> > In short: do any of you all ever have such thoughts?

> >

> > crockett

> >

> >

> >

> > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @

DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> >

> >

> > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

> >

> > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)

> > MARKETPLACE

> > Stay on top of your group activity without leaving the page you're on - Get

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[Guest guest]

Wow! The 1st time I wrote, " I wish she were dead " in my journal years ago, I

thought someone would think I was awful, but it felt great to be totally honest

with myself. I still wish that. There is no end in sight & my therapist says

she will never get better & I can only prepare for it to get worse as she ages.

Oh joy! She is so mean & hateful, she will live to be 100! I cannot even stand

the sound of her voice & I am about sick of trying to win an for all of

the performances I have put on every year just to keep peace.

> > >

> > > Hi all,

> > >

> > > So as my bpd mother gets older and I start to think about what the future

may bring and how I might actually have to deal with her at some point if she

needs assistance, etc., most of the time my thoughts are that I wish she would

just go away. I often think this. I am basically no contact (or very very very

LOW) and have been for a long time. I don't want anything more, but the problem,

of course, is that parents are connected to the rest of the family and there are

all the entanglements that come with that. Aging, of course, will bring more

entanglements.

> > >

> > > So at my worst I have even found myself thinking things like, maybe she

will die before any health issues/living assitance issues will come up. And

sometimes, yes, the phrase " if I am lucky " may precede those thoughts. Of

course, I don't REALLY wish her dead, but dead to me in the sense of being just

gone (which is impossible, of course) ...

> > >

> > > In short: do any of you all ever have such thoughts?

> > >

> > > crockett

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The

Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to

Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

@ DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> > >

> > >

> > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

> > >

> > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)

> > > MARKETPLACE

> > > Stay on top of your group activity without leaving the page you're on -

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[Guest guest]

O boy, this touches some nerves. I have those feelings daily. I

do not want to be taking care of my parents. Ever. But at the

same time, if they were to die. Ok it would give me peace, but

be hard because I'd feel obligated to attend the funeral.

Steph

[Guest guest]

Dead would be good from my angle too. I don't wish her ill, I just wish her

gone.

>

> Wow! The 1st time I wrote, " I wish she were dead " in my journal years ago, I

thought someone would think I was awful, but it felt great to be totally honest

with myself. I still wish that. There is no end in sight & my therapist says

she will never get better & I can only prepare for it to get worse as she ages.

Oh joy! She is so mean & hateful, she will live to be 100! I cannot even stand

the sound of her voice & I am about sick of trying to win an for all of

the performances I have put on every year just to keep peace.

>