am i making too much out of this?

[Guest guest]

Ok, I really need support and advice. This is getting to me.

I wrote to my nada end of november to thank her for the advent

calendars. She wrote yesterday, and asked if we got them. I

wrote back to say yes, and that I wrote to her at the time when

they arrived. She is claiming she never got that email. I'd

forwarded a copy of the email I wrote back then. What would you

do next? Am I barking up the wrong tree? I feel like somehow she

wants more contact, but I know deep down that if I give her that,

it'll be the same old thing. My sister comes in a week. Every

thing I do gets reported back to nada. I do it for the kids. It

should be a blessing, because we have a fair amount on next week

with the kids, so she'll just have to fit in.

I don't need all this. I don't want all this. Why is it that

when things start to look up and I start to deal with things

something happens again? It's like nada THRIVES on crisis!

Steph

[Guest guest]

Hi Steph,

 

You did exactly as I would have done.  Resending the email to let her know that

you responded at the time your calendars arrived.  That you received the

gift.  Thanking her again but keeping it very simple and brief.  There is

something about BPD and email....I guess it's a way they can control.  My Nada

has done the same.  Because she is more passive and she tries " underhanded "

ways to " get back. "   Because she is always the victim...the martyr. 

ie.... " Look, I did this amazing thing for you and went out of my way to send you

these very special calendars and look, I didn't even get a thank you.  That's

what she is thinking.  I've heard her say things like this about what she does

for my sister. Perhaps it was a phone call she is looking for.  Who knows.  I

know my Mom wants me to call and I'm not going to. 

 

Are you okay with your sister coming?  I hope she will be a help to you and all

that you have going on.

 

Sincerely,

Louise

 

 

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, December 5, 2011 1:49 AM

Subject: am i making too much out of this?

 

Ok, I really need support and advice. This is getting to me.

I wrote to my nada end of november to thank her for the advent

calendars. She wrote yesterday, and asked if we got them. I

wrote back to say yes, and that I wrote to her at the time when

they arrived. She is claiming she never got that email. I'd

forwarded a copy of the email I wrote back then. What would you

do next? Am I barking up the wrong tree? I feel like somehow she

wants more contact, but I know deep down that if I give her that,

it'll be the same old thing. My sister comes in a week. Every

thing I do gets reported back to nada. I do it for the kids. It

should be a blessing, because we have a fair amount on next week

with the kids, so she'll just have to fit in.

I don't need all this. I don't want all this. Why is it that

when things start to look up and I start to deal with things

something happens again? It's like nada THRIVES on crisis!

Steph

[Guest guest]

, I know how you feel. It's like no amount of contact with nada is ever

enough for her. She wants to be thanked, she wants a full report of how much

everyone loved her gift.

I feel that same tension and fear with my mother. I hesitantly feel like things

have gotten better between us, but still...I'm not letting down my guard. She

will call me practically every day sometimes even though I told her we're only

talking once a week. I don't pick up but feel awful...still--I cannot pick up.

It's my spoken boundary to her.

I don't know if it'll do much good for you to tell your mother that you won't be

talking to her by phone, and would like to limit contact to email? I told mine

straight up what the boundaries were but she continuously tests them. I think

it's good that you keep strong for your kids. Good for you!

I can relate to how you said your nada thrives on crisis. It's true; mine, too.

The smallest things are catastrophic. It's like she can't live without a diet of

drama and crisis. Personally, I think it's made me sick. I get easily agitated

when I hear people arguing or if there's a violent show on.

>

> Ok, I really need support and advice. This is getting to me.

> I wrote to my nada end of november to thank her for the advent

> calendars. She wrote yesterday, and asked if we got them. I

> wrote back to say yes, and that I wrote to her at the time when

> they arrived. She is claiming she never got that email. I'd

> forwarded a copy of the email I wrote back then. What would you

> do next? Am I barking up the wrong tree? I feel like somehow she

> wants more contact, but I know deep down that if I give her that,

> it'll be the same old thing. My sister comes in a week. Every

> thing I do gets reported back to nada. I do it for the kids. It

> should be a blessing, because we have a fair amount on next week

> with the kids, so she'll just have to fit in.

> I don't need all this. I don't want all this. Why is it that

> when things start to look up and I start to deal with things

> something happens again? It's like nada THRIVES on crisis!

> Steph

>

[Guest guest]

nah. you are not making too much out of it. that kind of thinking is what she

taught you. I have to remind myself that my feelings are not " wrong " all the

time. I was well trained to believe that lie. my mom is really annoyed at us if

she sends anything and we do not call the second it arrives. she also writes the

addresses on every side of the box, because she is convinced the P.O. can't do

their job otherwise. take care of yourself, and don't let her bully you into

doing things her way, you have done that enough I imagine.

>

> Ok, I really need support and advice. This is getting to me.

> I wrote to my nada end of november to thank her for the advent

> calendars. She wrote yesterday, and asked if we got them. I

> wrote back to say yes, and that I wrote to her at the time when

> they arrived. She is claiming she never got that email. I'd

> forwarded a copy of the email I wrote back then. What would you

> do next? Am I barking up the wrong tree? I feel like somehow she

> wants more contact, but I know deep down that if I give her that,

> it'll be the same old thing. My sister comes in a week. Every

> thing I do gets reported back to nada. I do it for the kids. It

> should be a blessing, because we have a fair amount on next week

> with the kids, so she'll just have to fit in.

> I don't need all this. I don't want all this. Why is it that

> when things start to look up and I start to deal with things

> something happens again? It's like nada THRIVES on crisis!

> Steph

>

[Guest guest]

Nothing more for you to do, other than move on with your life.

You've already done more than you had to. Your mother's inability to cope with

life (or to survive without constant praise and gratitude from others) is not

your problem.

You said thank you. You said thank you again. The end. (You even forwarded an

old email as " proof, " which personally I would not have done, as I am an adult

and do not feel the need to defend myself to my mother anymore. I know the

truth, I tell the truth, and others can choose whether to accept it or not. Not

my problem.)

If she wants to stay in a huff, she can, but you can go about enjoying the rest

of your life.

[Guest guest]

Steph,

I think it is quite likely that you nada does indeed thrive on

crisis. Nadas and drama of various sorts go together like hands

in gloves. They like being the center of attention and having

the world revolve around their " needs " . Forwarding the " lost "

email to her seems to be to be as much as you need to do. I

wouldn't do anything at all next. You've thanked her. Nothing

else is required. She probably does want more contact. You don't

though, and you get to choose how much or how little contact you

have. You don't have to do more just to please her. Stay firm

and stand your ground where contact is concerned. And if your

sister wants to report everything to your nada, then just be

sure you don't do or say anything with your sister present that

you don't want repeated. If drama ensues because of your sister

repeating things, tell your nada that the subject isn't up for

discussion and end the conversation. You don't have to respond

to e-mails or phones calls unless YOU want to.

At 02:49 AM 12/05/2011 wrote:

>Ok, I really need support and advice. This is getting to me.

>I wrote to my nada end of november to thank her for the advent

>calendars. She wrote yesterday, and asked if we got them. I

>wrote back to say yes, and that I wrote to her at the time when

>

>they arrived. She is claiming she never got that email. I'd

>forwarded a copy of the email I wrote back then. What would

>you

>do next? Am I barking up the wrong tree? I feel like somehow

>she

>wants more contact, but I know deep down that if I give her

>that,

>it'll be the same old thing. My sister comes in a week. Every

>

>thing I do gets reported back to nada. I do it for the

>kids. It

>should be a blessing, because we have a fair amount on next

>week

>with the kids, so she'll just have to fit in.

>I don't need all this. I don't want all this. Why is it that

>when things start to look up and I start to deal with things

>something happens again? It's like nada THRIVES on crisis!

>Steph

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I would not do anything else. You have done all that is required at this point

& allowing more is just opening yourself up to more contact which in turns means

more control on her behalf & that leads to more hurt. I understand why you do

what you do for the kids. I usually take the phone calls & crap to keep my mom

off my kids & try to protect them. Just leave it as it is right now. Nothing

you ever do will be good enough anyway.

>

> Ok, I really need support and advice. This is getting to me.

> I wrote to my nada end of november to thank her for the advent

> calendars. She wrote yesterday, and asked if we got them. I

> wrote back to say yes, and that I wrote to her at the time when

> they arrived. She is claiming she never got that email. I'd

> forwarded a copy of the email I wrote back then. What would you

> do next? Am I barking up the wrong tree? I feel like somehow she

> wants more contact, but I know deep down that if I give her that,

> it'll be the same old thing. My sister comes in a week. Every

> thing I do gets reported back to nada. I do it for the kids. It

> should be a blessing, because we have a fair amount on next week

> with the kids, so she'll just have to fit in.

> I don't need all this. I don't want all this. Why is it that

> when things start to look up and I start to deal with things

> something happens again? It's like nada THRIVES on crisis!

> Steph

>

[Guest guest]

Not, I am NOT looking forward to my sister coming. Because in

the past, she tells nada stuff. I can't have that again. So I'd

decided on some boundries.

Kids will NOT be staying overnight or at the park etc alone. I

hate confrontation, and already feeling stressed. She arrives

Sunday for 7 days.

Steph

am i making too much out of this?

 

Ok, I really need support and advice. This is getting to me.

I wrote to my nada end of november to thank her for the advent

calendars. She wrote yesterday, and asked if we got them. I

wrote back to say yes, and that I wrote to her at the time when

they arrived. She is claiming she never got that email. I'd

forwarded a copy of the email I wrote back then. What would you

do next? Am I barking up the wrong tree? I feel like somehow she

wants more contact, but I know deep down that if I give her that,

it'll be the same old thing. My sister comes in a week. Every

thing I do gets reported back to nada. I do it for the kids. It

should be a blessing, because we have a fair amount on next week

with the kids, so she'll just have to fit in.

I don't need all this. I don't want all this. Why is it that

when things start to look up and I start to deal with things

something happens again? It's like nada THRIVES on crisis!

Steph