Re: Why do some things just have to be stupid

[Guest guest]

Janet,

I hate that " stopping by " business. It is so manipulative! It forces you into

the position of the bad guy " rejecting " the other person who certainly views

themselves as being the center of the universe. Nada used to do it to me all the

time. Not answering my phone? That means automatic permission to drop by! I

swear, I'm not sharing my address with her or anyone close to her next time I

move. It's worth the price of a PO Box for the security. Â

Sorry you are having to put up with such nonsense!

________________________________

To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " <WTOAdultChildren1 >

Sent: Tuesday, June 21, 2011 10:53 AM

Subject: Why do some things just have to be stupid

Â

Sunday evening, my sister in law messages me.  After telling me happy

birthday, this is what she says, " what's ur exact adress so i can mapquest it

cause we are eithergoing to swing that way on the way to chicago oron the way

back this next week "  This is exact spelling. Well, that upset me a little

because I felt like I was being told instead of asked if it was convenient for

me. Â I did get out of her that they are going on their vacation in two weeks,

when I happen to be on my vacation. That was the end of the

conversation...nothing else. So, the next day, I emailed  my brother. It

was a very nice email explaining that I did want to see them and they were

welcome to come and visit, as I didn't have plans to go anywhere on vacation,

but I wished they would have asked me. What if I would have had plans to be gone

that week and they just showed up, and I wasn't there. And, if you go by my

sil's message., they were just going to stop by

on their way there or on their way home, no specific dates involved. And since

she didn't bother to finish the conversation, I had no other information than

the dates they were going. Now, my brother is all bent out of shape because I

told him I wanted to be asked, and thinks that I don't want him to visit.Â

Maybe if that's the way he wants to behave, just because I made my feelings

known, then maybe it's for the best he doesn't come and visit. He's become a

flying monkey anyway.Â

Oh well..just had to vent.

Janet

 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

 It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

[Guest guest]

My nada did this all the time. when I told her she needed to tell me when

she was coming she started to give me a range of a whole day up to several

days. eventually I started to just go to the store do what I needed to do

whatever and if she showed up she either had to wait or leave.

sorry if the message is written weird I'm using text to speech on the phone.

> Janet,

> I hate that " stopping by " business. It is so manipulative! It forces you

into the position of the bad guy " rejecting " the other person who certainly

views themselves as being the center of the universe. Nada used to do it to

me all the time. Not answering my phone? That means automatic permission to

drop by! I swear, I'm not sharing my address with her or anyone close to her

next time I move. It's worth the price of a PO Box for the security.

>

> Sorry you are having to put up with such nonsense!

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " <WTOAdultChildren1

>

> Sent: Tuesday, June 21, 2011 10:53 AM

> Subject: Why do some things just have to be stupid

>

>

>

> Sunday evening, my sister in law messages me. After telling me happy

birthday, this is what she says, " what's ur exact adress so i can mapquest

it cause we are eithergoing to swing that way on the way to chicago oron the

way back this next week " This is exact spelling. Well, that upset me a

little because I felt like I was being told instead of asked if it was

convenient for me. I did get out of her that they are going on their

vacation in two weeks, when I happen to be on my vacation. That was the end

of the conversation...nothing else. So, the next day, I emailed my

brother. It was a very nice email explaining that I did want to see them

and they were welcome to come and visit, as I didn't have plans to go

anywhere on vacation, but I wished they would have asked me. What if I would

have had plans to be gone that week and they just showed up, and I wasn't

there. And, if you go by my sil's message., they were just going to stop by

> on their way there or on their way home, no specific dates involved. And

since she didn't bother to finish the conversation, I had no other

information than the dates they were going. Now, my brother is all bent out

of shape because I told him I wanted to be asked, and thinks that I don't

want him to visit. Maybe if that's the way he wants to behave, just because

I made my feelings known, then maybe it's for the best he doesn't come and

visit. He's become a flying monkey anyway.

> Oh well..just had to vent.

> Janet

> Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

> In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

> Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

> It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

> Proverbs 3:5-8

>

>

[Guest guest]

Asking for consideration from a narcissist is asking for trouble; they don't

" do " consideration. That requires acknowledging that you are an equal,

deserving of equal respect. Instead, they want total freedom to come and go as

they please, if they please, while you wait for them to either arrive (or not)

as though they are royalty and you are the peasants.

So, yeah. No royal visits would be fine with me.

-Annie

>

> Sunday evening, my sister in law messages me. After telling me happy

birthday, this is what she says, " what's ur exact adress so i can mapquest it

cause we are eithergoing to swing that way on the way to chicago oron the way

back this next week " This is exact spelling. Well, that upset me a little

because I felt like I was being told instead of asked if it was convenient for

me.   I did get out of her that they are going on their vacation in two weeks,

when I happen to be on my vacation. That was the end of the

conversation...nothing else. So, the next day, I emailed my brother. It was a

very nice email explaining that I did want to see them and they were welcome to

come and visit, as I didn't have plans to go anywhere on vacation, but I wished

they would have asked me. What if I would have had plans to be gone that week

and they just showed up, and I wasn't there. And, if you go by my sil's

message., they were just going to stop by

> on their way there or on their way home, no specific dates involved. And

since she didn't bother to finish the conversation, I had no other information

than the dates they were going. Now, my brother is all bent out of shape

because I told him I wanted to be asked, and thinks that I don't want him to

visit. Maybe if that's the way he wants to behave, just because I made my

feelings known, then maybe it's for the best he doesn't come and visit. He's

become a flying monkey anyway.

> Oh well..just had to vent.

> Janet

> Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

> In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

> Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

> It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

> Proverbs 3:5-8

>

>

[Guest guest]

it might work out better in the end, that he's this sensitive and they don't

come. it just feels like drama right from the start.

It's very important to know when people are 'swinging by' because for some folks

that means dinner and a place to sleep for a night, so it's important to have

advance notice. Plus you have to dread the encroachment of a flying monkey

too...maybe he'll stay bent out of shape and your own vacation with be peaceful

and quiet.

>

> Sunday evening, my sister in law messages me. After telling me happy

birthday, this is what she says, " what's ur exact adress so i can mapquest it

cause we are eithergoing to swing that way on the way to chicago oron the way

back this next week " This is exact spelling. Well, that upset me a little

because I felt like I was being told instead of asked if it was convenient for

me.   I did get out of her that they are going on their vacation in two weeks,

when I happen to be on my vacation. That was the end of the

conversation...nothing else. So, the next day, I emailed my brother. It was a

very nice email explaining that I did want to see them and they were welcome to

come and visit, as I didn't have plans to go anywhere on vacation, but I wished

they would have asked me. What if I would have had plans to be gone that week

and they just showed up, and I wasn't there. And, if you go by my sil's

message., they were just going to stop by

> on their way there or on their way home, no specific dates involved. And

since she didn't bother to finish the conversation, I had no other information

than the dates they were going. Now, my brother is all bent out of shape

because I told him I wanted to be asked, and thinks that I don't want him to

visit. Maybe if that's the way he wants to behave, just because I made my

feelings known, then maybe it's for the best he doesn't come and visit. He's

become a flying monkey anyway.

> Oh well..just had to vent.

> Janet

> Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

> In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

> Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

> It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

> Proverbs 3:5-8

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh Lord that would TOTALLY piss me off too!

Boyfriend's family used to pop in all the time - and I run a very busy

schedule plus we are remodeling an old pioneer house - - - so as you can

imagine I had a few humilating experiences of them poping in to find all of

the kitchin stuff in the living room, all of my vending supplies for a craft

fair out, every surface covered with stuff we couldn't put away due to the

remodeling and only about 4 by 4 feet of usable space - where they were all

standing staring at me and giggling.

I'm a little nancy home maker (some of my friends call me Holly Hobby, our

joke is that I am the best relief society president who isn't Mormon) and so

for me to have someone catch me with my house a mess (and it always is since

I moved in to boyfriend's home that needed remodel work from top to bottom)

equals a total and absolute loss of dignity for me. I can't freaking stand

it! Its literally like being caught with my pants down and my tampons and

padded bra exposed. I think they got the hint though. . .

Now they just call say 1/2 hour to 20 min before they are about to stop by.

That is totally not ok with me and the type A way that I run my schedule - I

ALWAYS have plans!! So basically I just never see them except at events

where I am working and running the show with no time to say hi.

Lamesauce! But they can't adapt to my type A lifestyle where every moment is

planned and I can't adapt to their lifestyle where you live moment by moment

with no goals, no schedule and no respect for other people's schedules!

> **

>

>

>

> it might work out better in the end, that he's this sensitive and they

> don't come. it just feels like drama right from the start.

> It's very important to know when people are 'swinging by' because for some

> folks that means dinner and a place to sleep for a night, so it's important

> to have advance notice. Plus you have to dread the encroachment of a flying

> monkey too...maybe he'll stay bent out of shape and your own vacation with

> be peaceful and quiet.

>

>

>

> >

> > Sunday evening, my sister in law messages me. After telling me happy

> birthday, this is what she says, " what's ur exact adress so i can mapquest

> it cause we are eithergoing to swing that way on the way to chicago oron the

> way back this next week " This is exact spelling. Well, that upset me a

> little because I felt like I was being told instead of asked if it was

> convenient for me. I did get out of her that they are going on their

> vacation in two weeks, when I happen to be on my vacation. That was the end

> of the conversation...nothing else. So, the next day, I emailed my

> brother. It was a very nice email explaining that I did want to see them

> and they were welcome to come and visit, as I didn't have plans to go

> anywhere on vacation, but I wished they would have asked me. What if I would

> have had plans to be gone that week and they just showed up, and I wasn't

> there. And, if you go by my sil's message., they were just going to stop by

> > on their way there or on their way home, no specific dates involved. And

> since she didn't bother to finish the conversation, I had no other

> information than the dates they were going. Now, my brother is all bent out

> of shape because I told him I wanted to be asked, and thinks that I don't

> want him to visit. Maybe if that's the way he wants to behave, just because

> I made my feelings known, then maybe it's for the best he doesn't come and

> visit. He's become a flying monkey anyway.

> > Oh well..just had to vent.

> > Janet

> > Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

> understanding.

> > In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

> > Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

> > It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

> > Proverbs 3:5-8

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

In my opinion it is all about context. Like if you have a close enough

relationship with your brother and SIL, that you guys just " swing by " eachothers

place regularly, then it would be ok.

But it sounds from your post that it is NOT the case *at all*.

I would ask yourself this question: would you ever feel comfortable sending them

this same message, if the circumstances were reversed?

It sounds like not, it sounds like it would feel inconsiderate and self centered

to do that.

I feel like offsprings of BPD parents, we tend to always second guess the

validity of our feelings. " Can I really be upset about this? " , " Should I feel

this way? " etc.

[Guest guest]

I agree, its about individual relationships and personal preferences/styles.

When I was growing up, *nobody* ever just dropped in at my house to say hi to

mom, and my nada to my knowledge never just dropped in on other people.

I think it was a combination of politeness and being too busy, but on the other

hand my nada made it clear in her demeanor that my friends weren't welcome to

just drop in to play with me, either.

If a friend showed up, nada's smile would be rigid, her manner cool. I think my

nada also has obsessive-compulsive pd on top of the Cluster B pds, meaning that

she needs to be in absolute, total control of her environment at all times, plus

mess, disorder, and noise stresses her out. It makes her anxious, and when

she's anxious and stressed she gets angry, rude and even hostile.

But if a friend did come over, nada also wouldn't let me close my door to keep

the noise down, so if anyone did come over we had to be quiet. Nada would poke

her head in from time to time; it felt to me like she was trying to catch me

doing something bad. Just loads of fun for a kid: like living in a hospital

where everything is sterile, smells like antiseptic and is very, very quiet. I

felt scared and uncomfortable if anyone came over to play and I'm sure my

friends felt uncomfortable and unwelcome too; hard to feel relaxed in such

circumstances. And I never knew if nada would trigger into anger over

something, scream at me and embarrass me in front of my friend. So as a

consequence I spent most of my free time either outside by myself, riding my

bike, reading, or I'd just go over to friends' houses where it felt like an

actual home, where having people over was normal and fun, and I felt welcomed

and not scared.

-Annie

>

> In my opinion it is all about context. Like if you have a close enough

relationship with your brother and SIL, that you guys just " swing by " eachothers

place regularly, then it would be ok.

> But it sounds from your post that it is NOT the case *at all*.

>

> I would ask yourself this question: would you ever feel comfortable sending

them this same message, if the circumstances were reversed?

>

> It sounds like not, it sounds like it would feel inconsiderate and self

centered to do that.

>

> I feel like offsprings of BPD parents, we tend to always second guess the

validity of our feelings. " Can I really be upset about this? " , " Should I feel

this way? " etc.

>

[Guest guest]

Annie,

I'd say that's about my experience as well. No surprise visit, need of control,

and fear that my BP Mom would blow over some small thing and embarass me in

front of a friend on a rare visit.

I never felt like I could totally relax at home (at least my Mom let me close

the door, unlike yours!) so it wasn't a load of fun to have friends over. I felt

like everything was being watched, if I had a snack, where I ate it, whether my

friend made a mess with their shoes etc. Personal conversations with a gfriend

would make me nervous, because I knew I didn't want my BP Mom to hear anything

personal, and I knew she could easily listen to us. Thinking about it, it was

like I had very little space to expand and BE ME. It's sad.

The biggest fear I had about having friends over though, would be that she would

yell at me or lose it in front of my friend.

I felt like my BP Mom's behaviour was MY ugly secret, and I wanted nobody to

know about it.

The way my family dealt with my Mom's BPD reminds me in many ways to the ways

some families deal with alcoholism in fact. Like it's a common shame we all

share, and we all have to cover up the person with the issue.

Last time I went back to France, I was sick for a week at my parents'. One of my

very best friends happend to leave a message on the house phone and my Mom got

it. My friend said casually he was gonna 'drop by' and say hi one evening. No

big deal right? I didn't get the message, my Mom did.

She freaked out, told me I had to call back my friend, make sure he didn't mean

he was gonna stay overnight, she didn't want him over for dinner etc.

I called him right away and cancelled our plans to meet at my parents.

The point is: new people in her environment meant stress, and the rule has

always been to reduce the " stress " to as little as possible for her. So she

wouldn't yell, and get mad.

Not having too many needs equated to " being nice " to her. No I almost never had

friends over for all these reasons.

Sorry for the slight change of topic here though.

Coco