having healthy relationships post nada

[Guest guest]

It's becoming pretty obvious to me that my alcoholic nada (and a handful of

other life experiences) has truly affected my ability to trust and to relax. And

I've got to figure out how to move beyond this I wasn't in a committed

relationship for nearly 7 years, during which I went to counseling to work on me

and figured out that my nada has BP. After trying to set some boundaries to no

avail, I pretty much cut her out of my life a little over a year ago. putting

the distance between us and learning not to let her actions dictate mine has

truly helped. So I recently started dating again. I've been seeing someone now

for about 6 months and he's a pretty great guy who's very understanding and

patient. But I'm on edge – a lot. I find myself watching his actions and trying

to figure out his mood, sometimes unconsciously waiting for the shit to hit the

fan. If he's having a bad day I'm often anxious, wondering if today's the day

he'll change his mind about me. And if he talks to me less this week than the

last I'm over analyzing it and if something is bothering me about " us " its hard

for me to find the words and the backbone to say something about it he's

started to notice and I'm tired of spinning about things. Why can't I just

relax? When do you ever get past that lingering feeling of impending chaos that

you have as a child of a BP? I don't want my anxiety and lack of trust to

destroy the possibility of what could be a great and healthy relationship How

do you find a sense of normalcy so that in relationships you don't slip into

either the co-dependent guilt ridden caretaker role or the other extreme of

overreacting and pushing people away as a defense mechanism? I want to be to

ask for what I need in a relationship without feeling like I'm asking for too

much. And I want it to be ok for me to be upset sometimes. Right now I just feel

like I'm catering to whatever mood he's in and then spinning about it a few

times now after spinning about it and after finding out whatever was bothering

him, there was NO reason for me to be anxious and I wasted my own time and

emotion energy anybody got some advice?

[Guest guest]

Hi.Â

Remember that your needs are valid! If you have them, it does the relationship

no good for you to keep them to yourself.Â

I think the most important thing you can do in a relationship is love and trust

yourself. If you truly love yourself, you won't feel jumpy about the other

person's mood or opinion of you, and you won't second-guess yourself. It's also

important that you trust yourself before you can trust someone else, because if

the person does you wrong, you need to have your own safety net to fall back

on.Â

That said, it's no small thing to love and trust yourself, especially after

being taught your whole life by nada that you aren't lovable or trustworthy. If

you already have a good therapist, maybe you could try talking it out with

him/her.Â

I feel like your post merits a much longer response, just had a few minutes and

wanted to offer what came to mind for me.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, June 20, 2011 9:32 PM

Subject: having healthy relationships post nada

Â

It's becoming pretty obvious to me that my alcoholic nada (and a handful of

other life experiences) has truly affected my ability to trust and to relax. And

I've got to figure out how to move beyond this… I wasn't in a committed

relationship for nearly 7 years, during which I went to counseling to work on me

and figured out that my nada has BP. After trying to set some boundaries to no

avail, I pretty much cut her out of my life a little over a year ago. putting

the distance between us and learning not to let her actions dictate mine has

truly helped. So I recently started dating again. I've been seeing someone now

for about 6 months and he's a pretty great guy who's very understanding and

patient. But I'm on edge – a lot. I find myself watching his actions and

trying to figure out his mood, sometimes unconsciously waiting for the shit to

hit the fan. If he's having a bad day I'm often anxious, wondering if today's

the day he'll change his mind about

me. And if he talks to me less this week than the last I'm over analyzing it…

and if something is bothering me about " us " its hard for me to find the words

and the backbone to say something about it… he's started to notice and I'm

tired of spinning about things. Why can't I just relax? When do you ever get

past that lingering feeling of impending chaos that you have as a child of a BP?

I don't want my anxiety and lack of trust to destroy the possibility of what

could be a great and healthy relationship… How do you find a sense of normalcy

so that in relationships you don't slip into either the co-dependent guilt

ridden caretaker role or the other extreme of overreacting and pushing people

away as a defense mechanism? I want to be to ask for what I need in a

relationship without feeling like I'm asking for too much. And I want it to be

ok for me to be upset sometimes. Right now I just feel like I'm catering to

whatever mood he's in and then

spinning about it… a few times now after spinning about it and after finding

out whatever was bothering him, there was NO reason for me to be anxious and I

wasted my own time and emotion energy… anybody got some advice?

[Guest guest]

Thanks ! I appreciate you taking the time to respond! I needed to hear

that. You're comments are very true. I do need to remember the validity of my

own needs. And he can't know them without me saying what they are. I've got to

figure out how to maintain a hold on my words when I have the opportunity to say

them. There's times when I can formulate what I'm thinking and feeling, but when

given the chance to express it the words just slip away and my mind goes blank.

This mostly just happens when I'm in a relationship not in my professional life.

But its very reminiscent of any time I tried to defend my thoughts, feelings and

needs to my nada

And even after the therapy I've done I feel sad to say I'm still not quite sure

how to love and trust myself... maybe its strange, but as a fixer and a doer and

a problem solver, and it feels awkward for me to even think through what loving

and trusting myself looks like. I start to, but again find that I'm at a

complete loss. That may sound silly, but it's true. And that feels very very

frustrating.

I need to find another therapist to work through this stuff with. I had one this

time last year (the one that helped me realize my nada was BP), but I moved to a

different state in November and my insurance changed. Guess I've got to find a

way to make my emotional health a priority despite the cost.

-b.

Hi.

Remember that your needs are valid! If you have them, it does the relationship

no good for you to keep them to yourself.

I think the most important thing you can do in a relationship is love and trust

yourself. If you truly love yourself, you won't feel jumpy about the other

person's mood or opinion of you, and you won't second-guess yourself. It's also

important that you trust yourself before you can trust someone else, because if

the person does you wrong, you need to have your own safety net to fall back on.

That said, it's no small thing to love and trust yourself, especially after

being taught your whole life by nada that you aren't lovable or trustworthy. If

you already have a good therapist, maybe you could try talking it out with

him/her.

I feel like your post merits a much longer response, just had a few minutes and

wanted to offer what came to mind for me.

[Guest guest]

It also takes a long time sweetie, but you can do it. A good therapist can

work miracles!

> **

>

>

> Thanks ! I appreciate you taking the time to respond! I needed to

> hear that. You're comments are very true. I do need to remember the validity

> of my own needs. And he can't know them without me saying what they are.

> I've got to figure out how to maintain a hold on my words when I have the

> opportunity to say them. There's times when I can formulate what I'm

> thinking and feeling, but when given the chance to express it the words just

> slip away and my mind goes blank. This mostly just happens when I'm in a

> relationship not in my professional life. But its very reminiscent of any

> time I tried to defend my thoughts, feelings and needs to my nada…

>

> And even after the therapy I've done I feel sad to say I'm still not quite

> sure how to love and trust myself... maybe its strange, but as a fixer and a

> doer and a problem solver, and it feels awkward for me to even think through

> what loving and trusting myself looks like. I start to, but again find that

> I'm at a complete loss. That may sound silly, but it's true. And that feels

> very very frustrating.

>

> I need to find another therapist to work through this stuff with. I had one

> this time last year (the one that helped me realize my nada was BP), but I

> moved to a different state in November and my insurance changed. Guess I've

> got to find a way to make my emotional health a priority despite the cost.

>

> -b.

>

>

>

> Hi.

> Remember that your needs are valid! If you have them, it does the

> relationship no good for you to keep them to yourself.

>

> I think the most important thing you can do in a relationship is love and

> trust yourself. If you truly love yourself, you won't feel jumpy about the

> other person's mood or opinion of you, and you won't second-guess yourself.

> It's also important that you trust yourself before you can trust someone

> else, because if the person does you wrong, you need to have your own safety

> net to fall back on.

>

> That said, it's no small thing to love and trust yourself, especially after

> being taught your whole life by nada that you aren't lovable or trustworthy.

> If you already have a good therapist, maybe you could try talking it out

> with him/her.

>

> I feel like your post merits a much longer response, just had a few minutes

> and wanted to offer what came to mind for me.

>

>

>

>

>