i need to vent

[Guest guest]

Im feeling so sad right now. It's amazing what can twigger

things. Just amazing. I am a classial trained pianist, and just

learning how to play jazz and pop as well. From the time I

started lessons my dad was in to it. Every single recital, he

would count my mistakes and point them out to me after I'd

played. It didn't seem to have an effect until after one night

in my senor year. I'd prepared the moonlight sonata first

movement at the request of my nada. Felt really strongly about

how I wanted to play it, how it should sound etc. But... when I

did, all dad did was tell me it was too slow, the audience

wouldn't like it because it went over the 3 min allowed, I didn't

introduce it, and it was not the way the music should be. btw he

isn't a musician. This totallally devastated me. I'd never been

able to really get that spark back. I just passed my grade 8

piano with a a. But today at my lesson my teacher told me I need

to stop thinking so much about what comes next, and what mistake

I might make and let go. But I can't. He asked me to sing a

song and I just couldn't do it. Broke down sobbing half way

through, it's like I want to let the bird out of its cage but

CAN't!

Just need to vent.

Steph

[Guest guest]

((())) I'm so sorry you're being haunted by the " tape " of your father's

perfectionist voice. I admire your dedication to the piano; I wish I had your

discipline.

My only feedback for you is what has worked for me when I hear my mother or

father's tapes start up in my own head telling me how fat I am or how I don't

fit in with people with money, or that I can't or am not good enough: I do a LOT

of self talk. I don't mean talking or yelling at myself out loud. I mean writing

down ten times, every day, " I am good enough. " By the tenth time I'm writing

it, I'm believing it.

Not sure if you're in therapy, but I think that would help you a great deal,

too.

I feel so sad for what you're expressing b/c music should be a place for you to

escape to, like a refuge.

>

> Im feeling so sad right now. It's amazing what can twigger

> things. Just amazing. I am a classial trained pianist, and just

> learning how to play jazz and pop as well. From the time I

> started lessons my dad was in to it. Every single recital, he

> would count my mistakes and point them out to me after I'd

> played. It didn't seem to have an effect until after one night

> in my senor year. I'd prepared the moonlight sonata first

> movement at the request of my nada. Felt really strongly about

> how I wanted to play it, how it should sound etc. But... when I

> did, all dad did was tell me it was too slow, the audience

> wouldn't like it because it went over the 3 min allowed, I didn't

> introduce it, and it was not the way the music should be. btw he

> isn't a musician. This totallally devastated me. I'd never been

> able to really get that spark back. I just passed my grade 8

> piano with a a. But today at my lesson my teacher told me I need

> to stop thinking so much about what comes next, and what mistake

> I might make and let go. But I can't. He asked me to sing a

> song and I just couldn't do it. Broke down sobbing half way

> through, it's like I want to let the bird out of its cage but

> CAN't!

> Just need to vent.

> Steph

>

[Guest guest]

sounds like both your parents are bpd, I envy you for being able to play the

piano, I can't even do chopsticks.  Just relax and enjoy, once something stops

being fun for you its time to quit, and you've come too far for that. 

[Guest guest]

It is a escape in a way. That is how i started composing. It

was the one place I could be myself. I'm sure I will get the

passion back, I just have to get rid of that voice.

Steph

Re: i need to vent

((())) I'm so sorry you're being haunted by the " tape "

of your father's perfectionist voice. I admire your dedication

to the piano; I wish I had your discipline.

My only feedback for you is what has worked for me when I hear my

mother or father's tapes start up in my own head telling me how

fat I am or how I don't fit in with people with money, or that I

can't or am not good enough: I do a LOT of self talk. I don't

mean talking or yelling at myself out loud. I mean writing down

ten times, every day, " I am good enough. " By the tenth time I'm

writing it, I'm believing it.

Not sure if you're in therapy, but I think that would help you a

great deal, too.

I feel so sad for what you're expressing b/c music should be a

place for you to escape to, like a refuge.

Im feeling so sad right now. It's amazing what can twigger

things. Just amazing. I am a classial trained pianist, and

just

learning how to play jazz and pop as well. From the time I

started lessons my dad was in to it. Every single recital, he

would count my mistakes and point them out to me after I'd

played. It didn't seem to have an effect until after one night

in my senor year. I'd prepared the moonlight sonata first

movement at the request of my nada. Felt really strongly about

how I wanted to play it, how it should sound etc. But... when

I

did, all dad did was tell me it was too slow, the audience

wouldn't like it because it went over the 3 min allowed, I

didn't

introduce it, and it was not the way the music should be. btw

he

isn't a musician. This totallally devastated me. I'd never

been

able to really get that spark back. I just passed my grade 8

piano with a a. But today at my lesson my teacher told me I

need

to stop thinking so much about what comes next, and what mistake

I might make and let go. But I can't. He asked me to sing a

song and I just couldn't do it. Broke down sobbing half way

through, it's like I want to let the bird out of its cage but

CAN't!

Just need to vent.

Steph

------------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

((((((((( Hi , ,)))))))

BPD parents, and character disorders in general, do weird things in

regard to their childrens' creativity.

They manage to undermine it in ways that masquerade as support, IE.

constructive criticism, by damning with faint praise, or conversely, too

much praise, or really confusing gas-lighting behaviors, showing off

artwork before it is ready to be presented, publicly presenting color

studies, or figure studies, under-paintings etc., as finished works, etc..

mis-representing their creative children as being " highly imaginative and

talented, but emotionally unstable, potentially drug or alcohol addicted,

or lazy " sabotaging recitals by being late, or instigating conflict or

discord just before events, implying marital instability, etc. In short,

anything to throw you off your game, cause you to publicly falter, show

you up, and so on.

They say one thing, but behave in ways that create exactly the opposite

effect.

Have you ever turned off the sound on the TV, and watched the facial

affect and body language of politicians, and then replayed the same clip

with the sound on? The disparity in credibility is often quite astonishing.

Sometimes it helps to do the same thing with BPD parents. write down what

they actually did, then write down what they *claimed* their actions and

their intents were. Big differences.

They commit forms of spiritual theft, and murder disguised as care and

support. They deeply damage others sense of self. These are spiritually

criminal act perpetrated by people who say they love us, want what is best

for us, want us to succeed. They are liars. They are motivated by

jealousy, resentment, rage and contempt, not love, compassion and parental

concern.

Your father was a liar when he offered you " constructive criticism. "

What he was actually doing, was spiritually cannibalizing you, and you were

supposed to smile, say " thank you, Daddy, " and pass him the mustard.

My own creative Muse got pissed and scared, and would show up in my dreams

as a big, black, angry cat, glaring, howling, hissing, just out of reach

under the car, attacking my legs from under bushes, or up on the garage

roof, slapping and scratching me when I tried to get it down. It took

forever to comes to terms with it, and I still get scratched, sometimes.

Is your beloved Muse scared, grieving and or pissed? Give it voice! Give

it instrument! You may need to shake your fist, before you can unfurl your

fingers to the keyboard.

You may need to open your heart to grieve and weep, before you can open

your heart and throat to sing. Its ok. Tell your truth.

This is *your* art,* your* medium. No-one else has the right to conscript

it! Protect your gift! Fight for yourself, defend your muse!

BPDs perceive EVERYTHING as a competition, or opportunity for power

struggle of some sort. There will be casualties, no matter what you do,

don't do, say, think, feel, wish for, wish on , wear, don't wear, smell,

arrange your hair, the length of your skirt, or the newness of your

underwear, tone of voice, facial affect, or the way you say hello when you

answer the phone. Oh, by the way, what took you so long to pick the phone

up? You sound put-out. No, you're not put out? *Really?* Call me back when

you feel better! I just can't talk to you when your " in a mood' " . . . . .

The only way to win, is to not play, and eventually, not to care.

BPDs are creativity killers.

Don't let them use your crayons, play in your backyard, visit your studio,

meet your peers, or accompany you on tours.

After the death of my father, I invited my Nada to accompany me on the

artshow circuit, with the caveat she cease telling my peers and competitors

embaressing childhood stories about me, and refrain from calling me by a

detested childhood nickname. She told me she wasn't my mother, didn't love

me, never wanted to hear from myself, spouse or her only grandchild, again,

and dumped me 1000 miles from my home. I havent heard from her since. There

is no way to compromise with a BPD, since they percieve compromises as

challenges to be won, not boundaries to be respected. Forget winning your

point, you can't even come out with a fair trade!

I, and I know many, many, others of us, are in your corner, wishing you,

genuinely, the protection and support you , and your Muse deserve!

Best of Luck!!! Sunspot

> **

>

>

> sounds like both your parents are bpd, I envy you for being able to play

> the piano, I can't even do chopsticks. Just relax and enjoy, once

> something stops being fun for you its time to quit, and you've come too far

> for that.

>

>

[Guest guest]

, Many of us have been through the same thing in one way or

another. . . I wanted to be a pianist and so my nada slammed my hands in

the lid of the piano. And my dad signed me up for classes in sewage

treatment.

You can do it. You can get rid of the voice in your head. Affirmations

help. I've used photos, images etc. Maybe tape yourself playing and listen

to it again and again and again.

I heard the fat and ugly stuff too. So I photographed myself and looked at

the photos. Not ugly. Not true.

I think a T would help. But really, what I would do right now and today is

tape yourself playing something you are proud of. Then listen to it again

and again and again, while imagining someone else played it.

PS who says your music teacher wasn't being a dick in that moment by the

way.

XOXO GS

> ((((((((( Hi , ,)))))))

>

> BPD parents, and character disorders in general, do weird things in

> regard to their childrens' creativity.

>

> They manage to undermine it in ways that masquerade as support, IE.

> constructive criticism, by damning with faint praise, or conversely, too

> much praise, or really confusing gas-lighting behaviors, showing off

> artwork before it is ready to be presented, publicly presenting color

> studies, or figure studies, under-paintings etc., as finished works, etc..

> mis-representing their creative children as being " highly imaginative and

> talented, but emotionally unstable, potentially drug or alcohol addicted,

> or lazy " sabotaging recitals by being late, or instigating conflict or

> discord just before events, implying marital instability, etc. In short,

> anything to throw you off your game, cause you to publicly falter, show

> you up, and so on.

>

> They say one thing, but behave in ways that create exactly the opposite

> effect.

>

> Have you ever turned off the sound on the TV, and watched the facial

> affect and body language of politicians, and then replayed the same clip

> with the sound on? The disparity in credibility is often quite astonishing.

> Sometimes it helps to do the same thing with BPD parents. write down what

> they actually did, then write down what they *claimed* their actions and

> their intents were. Big differences.

>

>

> They commit forms of spiritual theft, and murder disguised as care and

> support. They deeply damage others sense of self. These are spiritually

> criminal act perpetrated by people who say they love us, want what is best

> for us, want us to succeed. They are liars. They are motivated by

> jealousy, resentment, rage and contempt, not love, compassion and parental

> concern.

>

> Your father was a liar when he offered you " constructive criticism. "

> What he was actually doing, was spiritually cannibalizing you, and you were

> supposed to smile, say " thank you, Daddy, " and pass him the mustard.

>

> My own creative Muse got pissed and scared, and would show up in my dreams

> as a big, black, angry cat, glaring, howling, hissing, just out of reach

> under the car, attacking my legs from under bushes, or up on the garage

> roof, slapping and scratching me when I tried to get it down. It took

> forever to comes to terms with it, and I still get scratched, sometimes.

>

> Is your beloved Muse scared, grieving and or pissed? Give it voice! Give

> it instrument! You may need to shake your fist, before you can unfurl your

> fingers to the keyboard.

>

> You may need to open your heart to grieve and weep, before you can open

> your heart and throat to sing. Its ok. Tell your truth.

>

> This is *your* art,* your* medium. No-one else has the right to conscript

> it! Protect your gift! Fight for yourself, defend your muse!

>

> BPDs perceive EVERYTHING as a competition, or opportunity for power

> struggle of some sort. There will be casualties, no matter what you do,

> don't do, say, think, feel, wish for, wish on , wear, don't wear, smell,

> arrange your hair, the length of your skirt, or the newness of your

> underwear, tone of voice, facial affect, or the way you say hello when you

> answer the phone. Oh, by the way, what took you so long to pick the phone

> up? You sound put-out. No, you're not put out? *Really?* Call me back when

> you feel better! I just can't talk to you when your " in a mood' " . . . . .

>

> The only way to win, is to not play, and eventually, not to care.

>

> BPDs are creativity killers.

>

> Don't let them use your crayons, play in your backyard, visit your studio,

> meet your peers, or accompany you on tours.

>

> After the death of my father, I invited my Nada to accompany me on the

> artshow circuit, with the caveat she cease telling my peers and competitors

> embaressing childhood stories about me, and refrain from calling me by a

> detested childhood nickname. She told me she wasn't my mother, didn't love

> me, never wanted to hear from myself, spouse or her only grandchild, again,

> and dumped me 1000 miles from my home. I havent heard from her since. There

> is no way to compromise with a BPD, since they percieve compromises as

> challenges to be won, not boundaries to be respected. Forget winning your

> point, you can't even come out with a fair trade!

>

> I, and I know many, many, others of us, are in your corner, wishing you,

> genuinely, the protection and support you , and your Muse deserve!

>

> Best of Luck!!! Sunspot

>

>

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > sounds like both your parents are bpd, I envy you for being able to play

> > the piano, I can't even do chopsticks. Just relax and enjoy, once

> > something stops being fun for you its time to quit, and you've come too

> far

> > for that.

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

wow. I really understand all of this. I am a musician too. I sing and play the

viola. my nada was my orchestra teacher. she was not overly critical about my

playing/singing but she criticized EVERYTHING else about my performances " you

lost that competition because you talked too much to the judge " she also babied

me by telling me what I could handle.

I also had some aweful teachers who did what you are describing. they loved my

doormat skills.

I have a silly sugestion. when i was in college my teacher (I went to school in

music) made me really upset right before a performance. I went home to change

into a dress in tears, and my amazing roomate had a brilliant idea. the

spitefull underwear.

i used a sharpie and a pair of bright pink panties and unleashed my wrath on

them.

it was the least nervous I have ever felt at a performance. the snears that

night were less potent becasue my underwear said nasty things.

I also agree with the idea posted already find a recording you like of yourself

and listen to it. I do that sometimes. it reminds me that in spite of everything

I have talent.

for me I have decided that I have unreasonable expectations in music I know my

weaknesses well, and see them as a reason I am not a " real " musician I have to

remind myself often that my limitations are not going away just because I have

put so much of my life into it.

I hate making mistakes too. in my mind I know they are normal, but part of me

still wants to prove something.

> >

> > > **

> > >

> > >

> > > sounds like both your parents are bpd, I envy you for being able to play

> > > the piano, I can't even do chopsticks. Just relax and enjoy, once

> > > something stops being fun for you its time to quit, and you've come too

> > far

> > > for that.

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

I went to music school too. but to study composition. Not

piano, my first love, because with composition i could be ME!

Steph

Re: i need to vent

wow. I really understand all of this. I am a musician too. I

sing and play the viola. my nada was my orchestra teacher. she

was not overly critical about my playing/singing but she

criticized EVERYTHING else about my performances " you lost that

competition because you talked too much to the judge " she also

babied me by telling me what I could handle.

I also had some aweful teachers who did what you are describing.

they loved my doormat skills.

I have a silly sugestion. when i was in college my teacher (I

went to school in music) made me really upset right before a

performance. I went home to change into a dress in tears, and my

amazing roomate had a brilliant idea. the spitefull underwear.

i used a sharpie and a pair of bright pink panties and unleashed

my wrath on them.

it was the least nervous I have ever felt at a performance. the

snears that night were less potent becasue my underwear said

nasty things.

I also agree with the idea posted already find a recording you

like of yourself and listen to it. I do that sometimes. it

reminds me that in spite of everything I have talent.

for me I have decided that I have unreasonable expectations in

music I know my weaknesses well, and see them as a reason I am

not a " real " musician I have to remind myself often that my

limitations are not going away just because I have put so much of

my life into it.

I hate making mistakes too. in my mind I know they are normal,

but part of me still wants to prove something.

**

sounds like both your parents are bpd, I envy you for being able

to play

the piano, I can't even do chopsticks. Just relax and enjoy,

once

something stops being fun for you its time to quit, and you've

come too

far

for that.

[Guest guest]

Hi Steph, I have stood where you are in a really big way and I know how tortured

it is to have a talent that wants to be used but has been paralyzed with fear

over BPD/NPD trauma. It can be treated and you can get out on the other side.

The kind of post traumatic stress/creative block I had was helped mightily by

hypnotism which bypassed my logical mind and went straight to reprogramming the

subconscious. It took nearly a year of treatment (I was really, really in a bad

way) but It set me free.

Traditional therapy and talk made me worse. My block was rooted in the

subconscious which needed to be " talked to " in an untraditional way.

I hope this helps. There is a key that can unlock your mind. You just have to

find it.

AFB

>

> Im feeling so sad right now. It's amazing what can twigger

> things. Just amazing. I am a classial trained pianist, and just

> learning how to play jazz and pop as well. From the time I

> started lessons my dad was in to it. Every single recital, he

> would count my mistakes and point them out to me after I'd

> played. It didn't seem to have an effect until after one night

> in my senor year. I'd prepared the moonlight sonata first

> movement at the request of my nada. Felt really strongly about

> how I wanted to play it, how it should sound etc. But... when I

> did, all dad did was tell me it was too slow, the audience

> wouldn't like it because it went over the 3 min allowed, I didn't

> introduce it, and it was not the way the music should be. btw he

> isn't a musician. This totallally devastated me. I'd never been

> able to really get that spark back. I just passed my grade 8

> piano with a a. But today at my lesson my teacher told me I need

> to stop thinking so much about what comes next, and what mistake

> I might make and let go. But I can't. He asked me to sing a

> song and I just couldn't do it. Broke down sobbing half way

> through, it's like I want to let the bird out of its cage but

> CAN't!

> Just need to vent.

> Steph

>