more about my muse

December 6, 2011

Hi all.

First, I'd like to thank you all so much... Your posts were so

caring, so understanding and full of support. My teacher wasn't

a dick, he actually is quite right about it all, even if a little

blunt. You see, I can't express myself through the muse right

now. Because if I do, I end up a total mess, sobbing and the

music is unstable and I end up having to stop. I know I need to

grieve. Not just about the music, but for the family that never

was, the mother I wanted so bad but will never have, the

stepfather who on the one hand says he loves me but actions seem

different. The fact that I'd been living a lie all these years.

The fact that the one passion I had in my life is really really

hard to express. Gone are the days when I could play Bach and

Beethoven with utter conviction. Gone are the days where I can

play Mozart delicately. It all just sounds the same, one note

after another to me. Even with my grade 8, which btw is the

highest level of technique here in Australia. The day before the

exam, in order to get through it, I found myself so freaked out

that I played every thing double speed and double loud. My

teacher was totalally stunned. Somehow though, it helped,

because when I got in to the exam, I was ok... although after it

took 3 days to recover from the stress!

I am currently studying cert iv in training and assessment. My

dada used to do all my work for me in high school. Between year

8 and 10, he used to make me write what he wanted for my work. I

always got an a but deep down, I knew it was to bring credit to

him! Anyway, I am studying and it's nice to be told that I do

really excellent work with out dada breathing down my neck!

I need to grieve, to let it all out, but it's hard. I have a

family of 3 kids and a dh and I feel I can't be like that with

them around. So how to do this in private? I thought about

starting a blog, but am really paranoid about doing so. What if

nada, dada or sstblings find it? Maybe we need a blog where all

those trying to heal and tell their stories can do so. Maybe

even a yahoogroup?

Steph

December 7, 2011

Hi ,

The privacy - to - grieve issue is really a tough one, especially with

kids. I never wanted to frighten my child, or my spouse, with the depth and

intensity of my grief. I would try to " schedule " time to deal with it,

when no-one was home, but it wasn't always easy.

Grief often occurs at such a visceral level, sometimes it won't speak,

or sing, but, give it a box of crayons, and a stack of inexpensive paper,

and you have an opportunity to do some in depth work without much sound.

The product is not the point, the process is. I don't show anyone, but my

T, sometimes, these works. Sometimes it's just a single color, rubbed or

scribbled hard, over and over, for days. Eventually, shapes, words,

creatures begin to show up. I try to let them draw their story. Again, the

end product is not the point. Nothing I put on these papers has to look

like anything. They are my secret language. If anyone comments, I smart off

about Rorschak Tests, and blow them off.

The other tool I have used, is just opening my mouth, usually in the

car, selecting a tone, giving it voice, and allowing move up and down, in

my belly and chest. This tends to break up stuck emotional ice-jams for me.

When we're scared, in grief, depressed, hurt, we breathe more shallowly,

and our diaphragms tense up. Anything that loosens this up helps us feel

the pain, and process it. The pain won't last forever. Sometimes I take a

road-trip, but that may not be very practical for a young mom. Keep us

posted!

Best of Luck , Sunspot

On Tue, Dec 6, 2011 at 9:44 PM,

wrote:

> **

>

> Hi all.

> First, I'd like to thank you all so much... Your posts were so

> caring, so understanding and full of support. My teacher wasn't

> a dick, he actually is quite right about it all, even if a little

> blunt. You see, I can't express myself through the muse right

> now. Because if I do, I end up a total mess, sobbing and the

> music is unstable and I end up having to stop. I know I need to

> grieve. Not just about the music, but for the family that never

> was, the mother I wanted so bad but will never have, the

> stepfather who on the one hand says he loves me but actions seem

> different. The fact that I'd been living a lie all these years.

> The fact that the one passion I had in my life is really really

> hard to express. Gone are the days when I could play Bach and

> Beethoven with utter conviction. Gone are the days where I can

> play Mozart delicately. It all just sounds the same, one note

> after another to me. Even with my grade 8, which btw is the

> highest level of technique here in Australia. The day before the

> exam, in order to get through it, I found myself so freaked out

> that I played every thing double speed and double loud. My

> teacher was totalally stunned. Somehow though, it helped,

> because when I got in to the exam, I was ok... although after it

> took 3 days to recover from the stress!

> I am currently studying cert iv in training and assessment. My

> dada used to do all my work for me in high school. Between year

> 8 and 10, he used to make me write what he wanted for my work. I

> always got an a but deep down, I knew it was to bring credit to

> him! Anyway, I am studying and it's nice to be told that I do

> really excellent work with out dada breathing down my neck!

> I need to grieve, to let it all out, but it's hard. I have a

> family of 3 kids and a dh and I feel I can't be like that with

> them around. So how to do this in private? I thought about

> starting a blog, but am really paranoid about doing so. What if

> nada, dada or sstblings find it? Maybe we need a blog where all

> those trying to heal and tell their stories can do so. Maybe

> even a yahoogroup?

> Steph

>

December 7, 2011

hey you can join my blog! I would love the company I have 3 kids and am a

musician too. it is safe from prying eyes because only those we add to the

e-mail list can view, so anyone unwanted would have to log in as you with your

password to view and if they don't know about it you are safe. I understand the

fears. i have had my feelings used against me so many times. they only feed my

nadas false illusions of me. I promise not to share with anyone or judge (: I am

pretty harsh there myself. I have found it incredibly healing, and it has

allowed me to connect the dots on so many issues. I think I want to share ideas

about how to heal too. I have found some simple things that help me so much.

Music is very healing for me with the right people. I recently had an amazing

experience where I made mistakes that would have crushed me normally and

everyone was so blase about it the I never really got upset. on my own I

struggle to be happy with music.

the catch 22 is that I have a really hard time trusting other people especially

musicians, so it is a very vulnerable thing to do.

I think you could use some Brahms. it is complicated enough to keep the mind

busy, and you can pour in the passion and the tempo is a little more free. I

love Brahms. and some composers (like most Russians) are great for pounding on

the keys. I find learning the history of the people who write the music makes me

love it more and the passion that brings makes it easier to overcome my own

blocks and insecurities.

I have cried so many times doing music. music can be too releasing sometimes.

all I need to do is add you to the administrators list if you want to post on

the blog. we can even change the name so it fits better.

>

> > **

> >

> > Hi all.

> > First, I'd like to thank you all so much... Your posts were so

> > caring, so understanding and full of support. My teacher wasn't

> > a dick, he actually is quite right about it all, even if a little

> > blunt. You see, I can't express myself through the muse right

> > now. Because if I do, I end up a total mess, sobbing and the

> > music is unstable and I end up having to stop. I know I need to

> > grieve. Not just about the music, but for the family that never

> > was, the mother I wanted so bad but will never have, the

> > stepfather who on the one hand says he loves me but actions seem

> > different. The fact that I'd been living a lie all these years.

> > The fact that the one passion I had in my life is really really

> > hard to express. Gone are the days when I could play Bach and

> > Beethoven with utter conviction. Gone are the days where I can

> > play Mozart delicately. It all just sounds the same, one note

> > after another to me. Even with my grade 8, which btw is the

> > highest level of technique here in Australia. The day before the

> > exam, in order to get through it, I found myself so freaked out

> > that I played every thing double speed and double loud. My

> > teacher was totalally stunned. Somehow though, it helped,

> > because when I got in to the exam, I was ok... although after it

> > took 3 days to recover from the stress!

> > I am currently studying cert iv in training and assessment. My

> > dada used to do all my work for me in high school. Between year

> > 8 and 10, he used to make me write what he wanted for my work. I

> > always got an a but deep down, I knew it was to bring credit to

> > him! Anyway, I am studying and it's nice to be told that I do

> > really excellent work with out dada breathing down my neck!

> > I need to grieve, to let it all out, but it's hard. I have a

> > family of 3 kids and a dh and I feel I can't be like that with

> > them around. So how to do this in private? I thought about

> > starting a blog, but am really paranoid about doing so. What if

> > nada, dada or sstblings find it? Maybe we need a blog where all

> > those trying to heal and tell their stories can do so. Maybe

> > even a yahoogroup?

> > Steph

> >

>

December 7, 2011

This would be fantastic! Write me privately and we can chat more.

Steph

Re: more about my muse

hey you can join my blog! I would love the company I have 3 kids

and am a musician too. it is safe from prying eyes because only

those we add to the e-mail list can view, so anyone unwanted

would have to log in as you with your password to view and if

they don't know about it you are safe. I understand the fears.

i have had my feelings used against me so many times. they only

feed my nadas false illusions of me. I promise not to share with

anyone or judge (: I am pretty harsh there myself. I have found

it incredibly healing, and it has allowed me to connect the dots

on so many issues. I think I want to share ideas about how to

heal too. I have found some simple things that help me so much.

Music is very healing for me with the right people. I recently

had an amazing experience where I made mistakes that would have

crushed me normally and everyone was so blase about it the I

never really got upset. on my own I struggle to be happy with

music.

the catch 22 is that I have a really hard time trusting other

people especially musicians, so it is a very vulnerable thing to

do.

I think you could use some Brahms. it is complicated enough to

keep the mind busy, and you can pour in the passion and the tempo

is a little more free. I love Brahms. and some composers (like

most Russians) are great for pounding on the keys. I find

learning the history of the people who write the music makes me

love it more and the passion that brings makes it easier to

overcome my own blocks and insecurities.

I have cried so many times doing music. music can be too

releasing sometimes.

all I need to do is add you to the administrators list if you

want to post on the blog. we can even change the name so it fits

better.

**

Hi all.

First, I'd like to thank you all so much... Your posts were so

caring, so understanding and full of support. My teacher wasn't

a dick, he actually is quite right about it all, even if a

little

blunt. You see, I can't express myself through the muse right

now. Because if I do, I end up a total mess, sobbing and the

music is unstable and I end up having to stop. I know I need to

grieve. Not just about the music, but for the family that never

was, the mother I wanted so bad but will never have, the

stepfather who on the one hand says he loves me but actions seem

different. The fact that I'd been living a lie all these years.

The fact that the one passion I had in my life is really really

hard to express. Gone are the days when I could play Bach and

Beethoven with utter conviction. Gone are the days where I can

play Mozart delicately. It all just sounds the same, one note

after another to me. Even with my grade 8, which btw is the

highest level of technique here in Australia. The day before

the

exam, in order to get through it, I found myself so freaked out

that I played every thing double speed and double loud. My

teacher was totalally stunned. Somehow though, it helped,

because when I got in to the exam, I was ok... although after

it

took 3 days to recover from the stress!

I am currently studying cert iv in training and assessment. My

dada used to do all my work for me in high school. Between year

8 and 10, he used to make me write what he wanted for my work.

I

always got an a but deep down, I knew it was to bring credit to

him! Anyway, I am studying and it's nice to be told that I do

really excellent work with out dada breathing down my neck!

I need to grieve, to let it all out, but it's hard. I have a

family of 3 kids and a dh and I feel I can't be like that with

them around. So how to do this in private? I thought about

starting a blog, but am really paranoid about doing so. What if

nada, dada or sstblings find it? Maybe we need a blog where all

those trying to heal and tell their stories can do so. Maybe

even a yahoogroup?

Steph

December 7, 2011

I also last night sat in our room, and played Bach cds I had.

Bach moves me beyond every thing, so it was fitting.