Mother in Crisis - Battling on to help or not to help?

[Guest guest]

This year my father decided to divorce my BP mother having had enough of her

harassment and abuse. This brought about an extremely tough time and then she

sent me several extremely hateful and abusive emails blaming me for encouraging

my father to leave. I cut off all communication with her and have realized that

it's not my responsibility to 'fix her' nor that I can.

I was doing really well the last couple months but now I'm feeling a lot of

guilt again. I know that underneath all the anger and craziness is a kind

sensitive person who just wants to be loved, and I hate the idea that she is

feeling like everyone has abandoned her. In the last couple days my father has

cut off all communication with her, and she reacted by surprising his church

friends and threatening suicide. I'm really worried because her options to get

attention are decreasing as everyone has detached from her. I'm worried that

something really bad will happen. But i also don't want to re-enter a really

negative situation at it's crisis point.

1) What should I do?

2) Please tell me that my choice to not be involved is the right one?

[Guest guest]

That's a very hard call to make. I relate to your feeling pulled in two; on the

one hand you feel pity for your bpd mom and want to reach out to her, but on the

other hand you realize that you can't make her well, and if you reach out to her

she might latch onto you like a drowning person and pull you in, drowning you in

unrealistic expectations of you, or blaming you, wanting you to parent her, etc.

The only thing I can think of is perhaps to try just sending her a written

letter or card by snail mail, letting her know that you are thinking about her.

Maybe just allowing written communication will help her, and yet not get you

enmeshed with her. Possibly.

I'm in the same boat right now. My nada is deteriorating in her lucidity.

Sister informs me that our nada hallucinates pretty much all the time now, and

the prescription med that her psychiatrist put her on hasn't had any effect yet.

They're going to give it another three weeks, and if there is still no

improvement the dr will try a different med. I feel pity for my nada, but at

the same time I'm afraid of her. She can be sweet one minute and flinging

vitriolic abuse the next. I suppose its my weakness that I can't detach enough

to not let her hateful attacks phase me, but, I can't.

So, I guess all we can do is try our best and not be too hard on ourselves. Its

just so freaking sad.

-Annie

>

>

> This year my father decided to divorce my BP mother having had enough of her

harassment and abuse. This brought about an extremely tough time and then she

sent me several extremely hateful and abusive emails blaming me for encouraging

my father to leave. I cut off all communication with her and have realized that

it's not my responsibility to 'fix her' nor that I can.

>

> I was doing really well the last couple months but now I'm feeling a lot of

guilt again. I know that underneath all the anger and craziness is a kind

sensitive person who just wants to be loved, and I hate the idea that she is

feeling like everyone has abandoned her. In the last couple days my father has

cut off all communication with her, and she reacted by surprising his church

friends and threatening suicide. I'm really worried because her options to get

attention are decreasing as everyone has detached from her. I'm worried that

something really bad will happen. But i also don't want to re-enter a really

negative situation at it's crisis point.

>

> 1) What should I do?

> 2) Please tell me that my choice to not be involved is the right one?

>

[Guest guest]

i think if she is threatening suicide it should be handled by the authorities.

either she will get the help she needs or she will learn to think twice before

using that tool of manipulation. any therapist you go to will tell you up front

if you threaten self-harm it will be reported, by law they have to. so there is

no reason you can't take this attitude as well, and make a report to the

authorities even if anonymously. she does need help, but the kind of help she

needs is probably more than you can give her. I am sure you have tried and

tried, and yet look where she still is. if you alert the proper authorities that

she is threatening to kill herself that is probably all you can do.

>

>

> This year my father decided to divorce my BP mother having had enough of her

harassment and abuse. This brought about an extremely tough time and then she

sent me several extremely hateful and abusive emails blaming me for encouraging

my father to leave. I cut off all communication with her and have realized that

it's not my responsibility to 'fix her' nor that I can.

>

> I was doing really well the last couple months but now I'm feeling a lot of

guilt again. I know that underneath all the anger and craziness is a kind

sensitive person who just wants to be loved, and I hate the idea that she is

feeling like everyone has abandoned her. In the last couple days my father has

cut off all communication with her, and she reacted by surprising his church

friends and threatening suicide. I'm really worried because her options to get

attention are decreasing as everyone has detached from her. I'm worried that

something really bad will happen. But i also don't want to re-enter a really

negative situation at it's crisis point.

>

> 1) What should I do?

> 2) Please tell me that my choice to not be involved is the right one?

>

[Guest guest]

You are NOT responsible for your mom. You didn't make her sick, you didn't tell

her to drive everyone away. You can't fix her. You can feel sorry for her, you

can be an emergency contact person if she'll let you. But you probably know

already that if she figures out how to suck you into her trap, she will do so,

without concerning herself with your feelings, your problems, etc.

Only you can judge how much of yourself you can afford to give to her. She

sounds very toxic, very miserable, and going full-out pity party to anyone that

will listen.

It's ok to feel pity, its ok to help her sometimes. But remember that your

intervention will likely make no difference to her, even if it costs you dearly

personally.

How sad it is to have this type of relationship with a parent. I was raised to

'fix' all the family problems. I am a huge disappointment to them because I

could not take on all their problems anymore, but hey, SOMEONE has to be putting

ME first.

So I guess I'm saying put yourself first, and cut yourself some slack for not

being able to fix your nada, as it wasn't your job in the first place.

>

>

> This year my father decided to divorce my BP mother having had enough of her

harassment and abuse. This brought about an extremely tough time and then she

sent me several extremely hateful and abusive emails blaming me for encouraging

my father to leave. I cut off all communication with her and have realized that

it's not my responsibility to 'fix her' nor that I can.

>

> I was doing really well the last couple months but now I'm feeling a lot of

guilt again. I know that underneath all the anger and craziness is a kind

sensitive person who just wants to be loved, and I hate the idea that she is

feeling like everyone has abandoned her. In the last couple days my father has

cut off all communication with her, and she reacted by surprising his church

friends and threatening suicide. I'm really worried because her options to get

attention are decreasing as everyone has detached from her. I'm worried that

something really bad will happen. But i also don't want to re-enter a really

negative situation at it's crisis point.

>

> 1) What should I do?

> 2) Please tell me that my choice to not be involved is the right one?

>

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry for this situation, but in a way glad for your father that he had

the courage to leave.

I don't see any advantage to you or your mother if you re-establish contact with

her. She desperately needs help but doesn't seem to want it. I can understand

completely how you feel. It must be awful to see her in so much pain. But,

really, there isn't anything you can do.

She just wants your father back. Is she asking for professional help? Is she

offering to work through whatever drove him away? That would be the only way I

would return to this kind of situation, if she's willing to do some work, not

just to have someone listen to her complain and whine, etc.

You mentioned church friends: would the pastor be willing to intervene?

I'm very sorry for her; she's obviously in a lot pain, but status quo with you

and your father is not going to help.

>

>

> This year my father decided to divorce my BP mother having had enough of her

harassment and abuse. This brought about an extremely tough time and then she

sent me several extremely hateful and abusive emails blaming me for encouraging

my father to leave. I cut off all communication with her and have realized that

it's not my responsibility to 'fix her' nor that I can.

>

> I was doing really well the last couple months but now I'm feeling a lot of

guilt again. I know that underneath all the anger and craziness is a kind

sensitive person who just wants to be loved, and I hate the idea that she is

feeling like everyone has abandoned her. In the last couple days my father has

cut off all communication with her, and she reacted by surprising his church

friends and threatening suicide. I'm really worried because her options to get

attention are decreasing as everyone has detached from her. I'm worried that

something really bad will happen. But i also don't want to re-enter a really

negative situation at it's crisis point.

>

> 1) What should I do?

> 2) Please tell me that my choice to not be involved is the right one?

>

[Guest guest]

I don't buy it. I think the thing about her being a great person on the

inrside is not true. When my nada would lash out at me and my dad would

find me crying, he would always say

" Youre mother is a good person on the inside. " I call bullshit!!! I think

that he HAS to tell himself that to remain in the intolerable situation he

is in. Its his personal mantra that he repeats over and over so that he can

avoid the stress of a divorce - choosing instead lifelong unhappiness. Is

that " good person " stuff about your nada what you really believe? Or is it

something someone else told you to believe?

These women who gave birth to us and then made our lives a living hell are

NOT good people.

XOXO

> **

>

>

> I'm so sorry for this situation, but in a way glad for your father that he

> had the courage to leave.

>

> I don't see any advantage to you or your mother if you re-establish contact

> with her. She desperately needs help but doesn't seem to want it. I can

> understand completely how you feel. It must be awful to see her in so much

> pain. But, really, there isn't anything you can do.

>

> She just wants your father back. Is she asking for professional help? Is

> she offering to work through whatever drove him away? That would be the only

> way I would return to this kind of situation, if she's willing to do some

> work, not just to have someone listen to her complain and whine, etc.

> You mentioned church friends: would the pastor be willing to intervene?

>

> I'm very sorry for her; she's obviously in a lot pain, but status quo with

> you and your father is not going to help.

>

>

> >

> >

> > This year my father decided to divorce my BP mother having had enough of

> her harassment and abuse. This brought about an extremely tough time and

> then she sent me several extremely hateful and abusive emails blaming me for

> encouraging my father to leave. I cut off all communication with her and

> have realized that it's not my responsibility to 'fix her' nor that I can.

> >

> > I was doing really well the last couple months but now I'm feeling a lot

> of guilt again. I know that underneath all the anger and craziness is a kind

> sensitive person who just wants to be loved, and I hate the idea that she is

> feeling like everyone has abandoned her. In the last couple days my father

> has cut off all communication with her, and she reacted by surprising his

> church friends and threatening suicide. I'm really worried because her

> options to get attention are decreasing as everyone has detached from her.

> I'm worried that something really bad will happen. But i also don't want to

> re-enter a really negative situation at it's crisis point.

> >

> > 1) What should I do?

> > 2) Please tell me that my choice to not be involved is the right one?

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

This is *such* a tough choice to have to make. You are in a terrible

no/win situation. If you don't help her , you go against the fiber of who

you are as a whole and compassionate human being whose mother is in pain.

If you do respond, you will experience some, greater or lesser degree of

emotional devestation. The conflicting feelings are so hard to deal with

and tear us up inside,

I had to face a very similar situation recently - the death of my father

- and, against my better instincts, I responded to my Nada's grief and

pain,and spent an extended length of time with my Nada, trying to help and

support. It was the wrong thing to do. She cannibalized me, to the best of

her ability, and when I* finally* set a very minor boundary by requesting

that she not use an inappropriate - for - an - adult, ( I'm old enough to

have grandkids,) ootsie-cutsie, icky-sticky childhood nickname when

introducing me in public, she *abandoned* me on a road trip in another

state. I had to rent a car, was disinherited, etc.... She told friends and

family I had *attacked *her, although, when pressed she backpeddled, and

said it was a " verbal attack. " She has begun a new campaign of terror,

lies, and character assasination.

The *awful* thing is that this is just one in a long string of similar

experiences. It is also the last. My point being, that we continue

rescueing these people, because we think, when they are expressing grief,

vulnerability, fear and so on, that the* genesis* of their pain is the same

as it would for ourselves. We come from a place of compasssion. They do not,

although, for the sake of the " photo op " they can look as if they do.

BPDs can certainly express emotion, but their tears,etc. are from being

thwarted, or denied access to an emotional food source, or a supporting and

disposible cast member in their theatrical production of their broadway play

" ME ! " If feeding this unholy hunger just one more time would satiate

their need, and magically turn these " momsters " into mothers, even for a

little while, I'd say go for it, and slice off another piece of my own " self

" for my beloved Nada, but it won't. Life with Nada's and Fada's is not a

fairy tale, it's a horror story, and , while there can be a happy ending,

it's only because we find the strength to become fully protective of and

honor the sanctity of our own " selves, "

In retrospect, I wish I'd squirted the mustard in her eye, hopped off the

table and run like hell.

I guess we do what we do until it hurts too much, then we do something

different. How much does it hurt?

I wish you the very best, and will be thinking about you and your

struggle, and opportunities in the coming days, as I bind my own wounds.

May all that is good and strong and loving and true within you rise up,

wrap you in its strength and guide you in the coming days. Sunspot

> **

>

>

> I'm so sorry for this situation, but in a way glad for your father that he

> had the courage to leave.

>

> I don't see any advantage to you or your mother if you re-establish contact

> with her. She desperately needs help but doesn't seem to want it. I can

> understand completely how you feel. It must be awful to see her in so much

> pain. But, really, there isn't anything you can do.

>

> She just wants your father back. Is she asking for professional help? Is

> she offering to work through whatever drove him away? That would be the only

> way I would return to this kind of situation, if she's willing to do some

> work, not just to have someone listen to her complain and whine, etc.

>

> You mentioned church friends: would the pastor be willing to intervene?

>

> I'm very sorry for her; she's obviously in a lot pain, but status quo with

> you and your father is not going to help.

>

>

> >

> >

> > This year my father decided to divorce my BP mother having had enough of

> her harassment and abuse. This brought about an extremely tough time and

> then she sent me several extremely hateful and abusive emails blaming me for

> encouraging my father to leave. I cut off all communication with her and

> have realized that it's not my responsibility to 'fix her' nor that I can.

> >

> > I was doing really well the last couple months but now I'm feeling a lot

> of guilt again. I know that underneath all the anger and craziness is a kind

> sensitive person who just wants to be loved, and I hate the idea that she is

> feeling like everyone has abandoned her. In the last couple days my father

> has cut off all communication with her, and she reacted by surprising his

> church friends and threatening suicide. I'm really worried because her

> options to get attention are decreasing as everyone has detached from her.

> I'm worried that something really bad will happen. But i also don't want to

> re-enter a really negative situation at it's crisis point.

> >

> > 1) What should I do?

> > 2) Please tell me that my choice to not be involved is the right one?

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

It IS so freaking sad. Nobody wins when it comes to BPD.

I think the idea of writing a letter to her is a good one. Maybe it will give

her a chance to absorb some information without constantly having to craft a

reply?

> >

> >

> > This year my father decided to divorce my BP mother having had enough of her

harassment and abuse. This brought about an extremely tough time and then she

sent me several extremely hateful and abusive emails blaming me for encouraging

my father to leave. I cut off all communication with her and have realized that

it's not my responsibility to 'fix her' nor that I can.

> >

> > I was doing really well the last couple months but now I'm feeling a lot of

guilt again. I know that underneath all the anger and craziness is a kind

sensitive person who just wants to be loved, and I hate the idea that she is

feeling like everyone has abandoned her. In the last couple days my father has

cut off all communication with her, and she reacted by surprising his church

friends and threatening suicide. I'm really worried because her options to get

attention are decreasing as everyone has detached from her. I'm worried that

something really bad will happen. But i also don't want to re-enter a really

negative situation at it's crisis point.

> >

> > 1) What should I do?

> > 2) Please tell me that my choice to not be involved is the right one?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I completely agree. I think it's extremely unfair to use suicide as a means of

manipulating our affections (which is so common in BPD I don't know why i didn't

see it ten years ago). We have called the authorities though, and somehow she

always seems to charm them away because she's so damn manipulative. At this

point I feel like she needs to be held against her will...

> >

> >

> > This year my father decided to divorce my BP mother having had enough of her

harassment and abuse. This brought about an extremely tough time and then she

sent me several extremely hateful and abusive emails blaming me for encouraging

my father to leave. I cut off all communication with her and have realized that

it's not my responsibility to 'fix her' nor that I can.

> >

> > I was doing really well the last couple months but now I'm feeling a lot of

guilt again. I know that underneath all the anger and craziness is a kind

sensitive person who just wants to be loved, and I hate the idea that she is

feeling like everyone has abandoned her. In the last couple days my father has

cut off all communication with her, and she reacted by surprising his church

friends and threatening suicide. I'm really worried because her options to get

attention are decreasing as everyone has detached from her. I'm worried that

something really bad will happen. But i also don't want to re-enter a really

negative situation at it's crisis point.

> >

> > 1) What should I do?

> > 2) Please tell me that my choice to not be involved is the right one?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for your reply. I too was the 'fixer' of my family and it was

a definite blow to me that I couldn't fix my family relationship, but now I know

there was no way I could have done that.

I know these things to be true; I'm not god, i can't fix her, and it's not my

responsibility to. But sometimes when she creeps under my skin it's hard not to

feel those feelings again. I think she ingrained in me this feeling of " if i

don't help, i'm selfish " , and I'm still trying to get over that. I remember a

few months ago I told her I was having trouble coping with listening to all her

problems - resorting to some negative behaviors that made me realize it was not

healthy for me. Her response was " well if you can't be a daughter right now then

you just can't. " as if it was my job to be her therapist!

I guess ultimately she's not going to make the decision to help me be healthy

and let me put myself first, so i have to decide to choose me over her. That

sounded strange but you know?

> >

> >

> > This year my father decided to divorce my BP mother having had enough of her

harassment and abuse. This brought about an extremely tough time and then she

sent me several extremely hateful and abusive emails blaming me for encouraging

my father to leave. I cut off all communication with her and have realized that

it's not my responsibility to 'fix her' nor that I can.

> >

> > I was doing really well the last couple months but now I'm feeling a lot of

guilt again. I know that underneath all the anger and craziness is a kind

sensitive person who just wants to be loved, and I hate the idea that she is

feeling like everyone has abandoned her. In the last couple days my father has

cut off all communication with her, and she reacted by surprising his church

friends and threatening suicide. I'm really worried because her options to get

attention are decreasing as everyone has detached from her. I'm worried that

something really bad will happen. But i also don't want to re-enter a really

negative situation at it's crisis point.

> >

> > 1) What should I do?

> > 2) Please tell me that my choice to not be involved is the right one?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you.

I told her that I won't re-establish contact with her until she goes regularly

to therapy and brings the emails she sent me to her therapist since I don't know

if her therapists have any idea the kind of manipulative personality she really

has when she's not " playing the victim " .

She has said she will, but just like everything else - I've recently realized

all of it is just crocodile tears. Emotions pulled out of a hat to earn the

response she wants. It's so disappointing that even the completely communication

cutoff with a daughter she claims to love so dearly has not made her even try to

change.

> >

> >

> > This year my father decided to divorce my BP mother having had enough of her

harassment and abuse. This brought about an extremely tough time and then she

sent me several extremely hateful and abusive emails blaming me for encouraging

my father to leave. I cut off all communication with her and have realized that

it's not my responsibility to 'fix her' nor that I can.

> >

> > I was doing really well the last couple months but now I'm feeling a lot of

guilt again. I know that underneath all the anger and craziness is a kind

sensitive person who just wants to be loved, and I hate the idea that she is

feeling like everyone has abandoned her. In the last couple days my father has

cut off all communication with her, and she reacted by surprising his church

friends and threatening suicide. I'm really worried because her options to get

attention are decreasing as everyone has detached from her. I'm worried that

something really bad will happen. But i also don't want to re-enter a really

negative situation at it's crisis point.

> >

> > 1) What should I do?

> > 2) Please tell me that my choice to not be involved is the right one?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for your support. It really means a lot.

Gosh, what an awful ordeal to go through, your own mother abandoning you on a

road side??

It's truly amazing to see how so many people have had such similar experiences.

Since BP's take the slightest criticism as rejection, they have such an

overwhelmingly negative response to it. (which is hilarious because my mother is

EXTREMELY critical) I recently asked my mother to not mention my sex life in

front of my father. She FREAKED OUT and told me she would never contact me again

and then criticized me to no end. when i called her and asked her if it was

because she felt like i was rejecting her she completely softened and said yes.

She eventually apologized and thanked me for understanding - but of course that

kind of thing never lasts.

I also love that you used the phrase " character assassination " . That is exactly

how i feel sometimes.

I'll be thinking about you too. stay strong!

> > >

> > >

> > > This year my father decided to divorce my BP mother having had enough of

> > her harassment and abuse. This brought about an extremely tough time and

> > then she sent me several extremely hateful and abusive emails blaming me for

> > encouraging my father to leave. I cut off all communication with her and

> > have realized that it's not my responsibility to 'fix her' nor that I can.

> > >

> > > I was doing really well the last couple months but now I'm feeling a lot

> > of guilt again. I know that underneath all the anger and craziness is a kind

> > sensitive person who just wants to be loved, and I hate the idea that she is

> > feeling like everyone has abandoned her. In the last couple days my father

> > has cut off all communication with her, and she reacted by surprising his

> > church friends and threatening suicide. I'm really worried because her

> > options to get attention are decreasing as everyone has detached from her.

> > I'm worried that something really bad will happen. But i also don't want to

> > re-enter a really negative situation at it's crisis point.

> > >

> > > 1) What should I do?

> > > 2) Please tell me that my choice to not be involved is the right one?

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

No, it doesn't sound strange. We have been raised (brain washed) to put aside

our needs because others in our FOO are more important--our needs can wait or be

perpetually denied.

We have to relearn to see ourselves and our needs as important. This is a

mindset of feeling worthy enough to put taking care of ourselves at the top of

the list.

I've been at this process for nearly 15 years and can attest it is an ongoing

battle to retrain my brain to (consistently) value ME.

>

> I guess ultimately she's not going to make the decision to help me be healthy

and let me put myself first, so i have to decide to choose me over her. That

sounded strange but you know?

>

[Guest guest]

Truly, you've nailed the basic issue: being faced with the question: " Do I

choose myself over my nada, or do I put her needs/feelings first, again, as

usual? " Probably most of us here if not all of us were

trained/programmed/brainwashed to NEVER put ourselves first, so, it feels

completely unnatural and going-against-the-grain to do that.

But the bare-bones truth of it is that is the choice: save myself, or save nada.

I've been choosing my own needs for about 3 years now, that's how long I've been

in virtually No Contact with my nada. But now that her mental state is

deteriorating more rapidly and publicly, I'm having to re-evaluate my choice,

because I do pity her. Its just so damned sad. I think I'll start with a

letter. Its the safest.

It's just never, ever easy on us KOs. None of the options I have is a good

choice, seems to me. (((sigh)))

-Annie

> > >

> > >

> > > This year my father decided to divorce my BP mother having had enough of

her harassment and abuse. This brought about an extremely tough time and then

she sent me several extremely hateful and abusive emails blaming me for

encouraging my father to leave. I cut off all communication with her and have

realized that it's not my responsibility to 'fix her' nor that I can.

> > >

> > > I was doing really well the last couple months but now I'm feeling a lot

of guilt again. I know that underneath all the anger and craziness is a kind

sensitive person who just wants to be loved, and I hate the idea that she is

feeling like everyone has abandoned her. In the last couple days my father has

cut off all communication with her, and she reacted by surprising his church

friends and threatening suicide. I'm really worried because her options to get

attention are decreasing as everyone has detached from her. I'm worried that

something really bad will happen. But i also don't want to re-enter a really

negative situation at it's crisis point.

> > >

> > > 1) What should I do?

> > > 2) Please tell me that my choice to not be involved is the right one?

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

good grief, that is awful that she is charming them out of helping her. what an

awful talent to have.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to consider having her evaluated for

committment at this point. Your post is evidence of the fact that you are scared

something terrible is going to happen so for your own sense of duty it would be

understandable to let the authorities evaluate her mental state. you already

have as evidence the other times she's threatened so it's not like this is new.

I am sorry you are having to go through this stress, it is not fair and I hope

you will be gentle with yourself and take care of your own needs during this

time...it's so easy to forget oneself in the drama swirl created by bpd's (I

think it's what they want, after all, they probably were not cared for

adequately and had to fight with a parent for attention to get their needs met

so continue doing so the rest of their lives...but that is an issue for those

schooled in treating people like her) Hugs.

> > >

> > >

> > > This year my father decided to divorce my BP mother having had enough of

her harassment and abuse. This brought about an extremely tough time and then

she sent me several extremely hateful and abusive emails blaming me for

encouraging my father to leave. I cut off all communication with her and have

realized that it's not my responsibility to 'fix her' nor that I can.

> > >

> > > I was doing really well the last couple months but now I'm feeling a lot

of guilt again. I know that underneath all the anger and craziness is a kind

sensitive person who just wants to be loved, and I hate the idea that she is

feeling like everyone has abandoned her. In the last couple days my father has

cut off all communication with her, and she reacted by surprising his church

friends and threatening suicide. I'm really worried because her options to get

attention are decreasing as everyone has detached from her. I'm worried that

something really bad will happen. But i also don't want to re-enter a really

negative situation at it's crisis point.

> > >

> > > 1) What should I do?

> > > 2) Please tell me that my choice to not be involved is the right one?

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry you are going through this. If your nada is still manipulating

people you need to protect yourself. I agree with other posters that if she

threatins harm then trained authorities should be called in.

BB

> good grief, that is awful that she is charming them out of helping her.

what an awful talent to have.

>

> I think it's perfectly reasonable to consider having her evaluated for

committment at this point. Your post is evidence of the fact that you are

scared something terrible is going to happen so for your own sense of duty

it would be understandable to let the authorities evaluate her mental state.

you already have as evidence the other times she's threatened so it's not

like this is new.

> I am sorry you are having to go through this stress, it is not fair and I

hope you will be gentle with yourself and take care of your own needs during

this time...it's so easy to forget oneself in the drama swirl created by

bpd's (I think it's what they want, after all, they probably were not cared

for adequately and had to fight with a parent for attention to get their

needs met so continue doing so the rest of their lives...but that is an

issue for those schooled in treating people like her) Hugs.

>

>> > >

>> > >

>> > > This year my father decided to divorce my BP mother having had enough

of her harassment and abuse. This brought about an extremely tough time and

then she sent me several extremely hateful and abusive emails blaming me for

encouraging my father to leave. I cut off all communication with her and

have realized that it's not my responsibility to 'fix her' nor that I can.

>> > >

>> > > I was doing really well the last couple months but now I'm feeling a

lot of guilt again. I know that underneath all the anger and craziness is a

kind sensitive person who just wants to be loved, and I hate the idea that

she is feeling like everyone has abandoned her. In the last couple days my

father has cut off all communication with her, and she reacted by surprising

his church friends and threatening suicide. I'm really worried because her

options to get attention are decreasing as everyone has detached from her.

I'm worried that something really bad will happen. But i also don't want to

re-enter a really negative situation at it's crisis point.

>> > >

>> > > 1) What should I do?

>> > > 2) Please tell me that my choice to not be involved is the right one?

>> > >

>> >

>>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

im , new to this message group. I found out a few days ago (by talking

online) that my mothers irational, unpredictable and downright abusive behaviour

was due to BPD (she fits the description perfectly). Im having issues coming to

grips with what to do next. Im getting married in two months and i know that

will bring some dramas. I have a very supportive fiance but im having issues

with my dad. He seems to have been brainwashed by her. The other day after he

went to meet my mothers therapist he called me and said if nothing changes soon

hes gonna leave her, i was like go dad you're standing up for you! Then he

called me today and asked if i was coming over for dinner for his birthday

today. When i told him i wasnt because i was feeling pretty low about the whole

situation he said he doesnt get it and why am i behaving like i want to push te

family further apart. he even said " i thought we had made some great progress

this week? " Progress? in a way yes, but shes been lying to us both! She said

there was nothing wrong with her, but shes been getting DBT occasionally! And

suggest that she is wrong for behaving in a certain way and she will bite my

head off!!

two questions:

1: WTF?!!

2: Do i go over for dinner tonight and put on a face pretending that everything

is peachy? Or do i stand my ground and go home to sleep off these migrains??

help!!!

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > This year my father decided to divorce my BP mother having had enough of

her harassment and abuse. This brought about an extremely tough time and then

she sent me several extremely hateful and abusive emails blaming me for

encouraging my father to leave. I cut off all communication with her and have

realized that it's not my responsibility to 'fix her' nor that I can.

> > > >

> > > > I was doing really well the last couple months but now I'm feeling a lot

of guilt again. I know that underneath all the anger and craziness is a kind

sensitive person who just wants to be loved, and I hate the idea that she is

feeling like everyone has abandoned her. In the last couple days my father has

cut off all communication with her, and she reacted by surprising his church

friends and threatening suicide. I'm really worried because her options to get

attention are decreasing as everyone has detached from her. I'm worried that

something really bad will happen. But i also don't want to re-enter a really

negative situation at it's crisis point.

> > > >

> > > > 1) What should I do?

> > > > 2) Please tell me that my choice to not be involved is the right one?

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the Group, .

Your situation is especially difficult in that you're just now learning about

borderline personality disordered behaviors and enmeshment behaviors coming from

your parents, and this revelation is happening literally right before your

wedding.

So you've got a big helping of wedding prep stress, with a big blob of

borderline-pd-parent stress on top of it. A big double-helping. No wonder

you're getting migraines.

My suggestion is therefor unusual for me; I'm suggesting that for now, its

better to focus on your wedding, and put your new-found knowledge about your

parents' issues and the desire to make major changes regarding your relationship

with them, on the back burner.

Its just temporary, and only for the purpose of reducing your stress level until

you can give it attention after you are married, settled in to your new home,

etc.

If your mother is interfering with your wedding preparations, just give her some

minor, non-crucial tasks to do and you handle all the major prep, or rely on

friends or other relatives to help you instead of your bpd mother.

Weddings, funerals, births, graduations, etc., seem to bring out the very worst

behaviors from those with borderline pd or other Cluster B personality

disorders. It probably triggers all their abandonment fears, and triggers their

narcissistic need to be the center of attention.

So, I'm suggesting that the more you can distract your mother with minor tasks,

the more you can get your other relatives or friends to help you with the real

preparations or even with helping to distract your mother, the less stressful it

will be for you.

In any case, you've found a group of people who understand what you are going

through. We get it.

-Annie

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > This year my father decided to divorce my BP mother having had enough

of her harassment and abuse. This brought about an extremely tough time and then

she sent me several extremely hateful and abusive emails blaming me for

encouraging my father to leave. I cut off all communication with her and have

realized that it's not my responsibility to 'fix her' nor that I can.

> > > > >

> > > > > I was doing really well the last couple months but now I'm feeling a

lot of guilt again. I know that underneath all the anger and craziness is a kind

sensitive person who just wants to be loved, and I hate the idea that she is

feeling like everyone has abandoned her. In the last couple days my father has

cut off all communication with her, and she reacted by surprising his church

friends and threatening suicide. I'm really worried because her options to get

attention are decreasing as everyone has detached from her. I'm worried that

something really bad will happen. But i also don't want to re-enter a really

negative situation at it's crisis point.

> > > > >

> > > > > 1) What should I do?

> > > > > 2) Please tell me that my choice to not be involved is the right one?

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I agree. Focus on the wedding until you have time to be fully mindful of the

situation with your mom.

I would be pretty careful about how you handle your wedding preparations

involving your mother. Like Annie said, it can bring out the worst in BP's. My

sister recently had her wedding and it created a lot of tension and negative

feelings. I think on one hand my sister resents my mother for being a pain on

her " big day " . However on the other hand my mother felt extremely hurt as she

wasn't given a bigger role in the wedding, in her words " scraps " . At the end of

the day I could see it from both angles. I think my sister in her fear of my

mother making a scene actually made it worse for both of them.

Try to find a meaningful role for your mother that she can't really mess up.

Perhaps a reading that will mean a lot to her where she has to stay to the

script. Trust me, it's going to be important in the future.

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > > This year my father decided to divorce my BP mother having had

enough of her harassment and abuse. This brought about an extremely tough time

and then she sent me several extremely hateful and abusive emails blaming me for

encouraging my father to leave. I cut off all communication with her and have

realized that it's not my responsibility to 'fix her' nor that I can.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I was doing really well the last couple months but now I'm feeling a

lot of guilt again. I know that underneath all the anger and craziness is a kind

sensitive person who just wants to be loved, and I hate the idea that she is

feeling like everyone has abandoned her. In the last couple days my father has

cut off all communication with her, and she reacted by surprising his church

friends and threatening suicide. I'm really worried because her options to get

attention are decreasing as everyone has detached from her. I'm worried that

something really bad will happen. But i also don't want to re-enter a really

negative situation at it's crisis point.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > 1) What should I do?

> > > > > > 2) Please tell me that my choice to not be involved is the right

one?

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I concur. Pick the aspect of the wedding that you care the LEAST about and ask

Nada for her input. Flower arrangements on the altars? choice of music for a

solo? choice of beverages at the reception? the type of favors for bridesmaids?

Some inconsequential aspect that WILL NOT MATTER to you. Because she WILL screw

it up and then throw a fit about it. Also - find a relative or friend of hers

who " gets it " and recruit that person as your Nada sitter on the big day. Then

do something wonderful for the sitter, because you will owe them big time.

Deal with the nuts and bolts (nuts, get it?)required to keep Nada from taking

over your wedding, then deal with all these deep issues a few months after your

honeymoon. And don't feel an iota of guilt for wanting to have a GREAT wedding!

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > This year my father decided to divorce my BP mother having had

enough of her harassment and abuse. This brought about an extremely tough time

and then she sent me several extremely hateful and abusive emails blaming me for

encouraging my father to leave. I cut off all communication with her and have

realized that it's not my responsibility to 'fix her' nor that I can.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I was doing really well the last couple months but now I'm feeling

a lot of guilt again. I know that underneath all the anger and craziness is a

kind sensitive person who just wants to be loved, and I hate the idea that she

is feeling like everyone has abandoned her. In the last couple days my father

has cut off all communication with her, and she reacted by surprising his church

friends and threatening suicide. I'm really worried because her options to get

attention are decreasing as everyone has detached from her. I'm worried that

something really bad will happen. But i also don't want to re-enter a really

negative situation at it's crisis point.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > 1) What should I do?

> > > > > > > 2) Please tell me that my choice to not be involved is the right

one?

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>