I feel the safest here, sharing my stories

June 23, 2011

And I'm still working on some of the safety things with my counselor. So I

thought I'd share them here first, before counseling today after work.

I'll start at the beginning. Last Friday, I went for a bike ride with my husband

along a popular trail in the city--but then a dirt clod from his last ride

caused chain " suck, " stopping his bike suddenly, causing him to fly over the

handlebars. He landed on his face, broke his nose and two front teeth. We had to

go to the hospital to stop his blood flow and get stitches. I kept remarkably

calm--the EMT said as much, that other wives would be freaking out by then. I

fainted when they were prepping him for the stitches.

While we were in the hospital, I started worrying, quietly, about money. Money

seems strange to me--I attach emotion to it, and feel like it's going to

disappear. I trace this back to fada, who always worried about money and

complained about bills, esp. hospital bills. (Even though fada made over 200K

for several years--we were always living paycheck to paycheck somehow?) Anyway,

I didn't want to tell Jeff this at the time, because we both were more concerned

about him getting patched up. And I felt really guilty for even thinking about

money, that I tried to push it out of my mind. I really didn't want to end up

like fada, and guilt DH or anything. But I can never actually push things out of

my mind.

Saturday, I did pretty good. After Mass, I made some cookies, and then the

temporary crown came off of the tooth (after my root canal) and cracked while I

was eating, and then I started freaking out about it. Both DH and I were eating

soft foods because of my dental stuff and his dental stuff. I had just gone i

nfor the preparation for my permanent crown, and it was a lot of $$ and i was

worried about that.

I started freaking out about money, and went to bed to cry and had a mini-break

down and let all the emotions out. Things always hit me in a delayed

reaction--and this was the delayed reaciton, and I felt really bad for DH--he's

the one recovering, and I felt like I should have stayed stronger so I could

support him as he healed.

Sunday, I was eating very scarecly because of the tooth, not wanting to

accidentally damage it without the crown on. When I came home, both DH and I

were starving, since he was eating only soft foods. We got into an

argument...neither one of us was feeling very good, and we were both starving.

It was a stupid argument. So I started trying to make dinner, and realized we

had no clean dishes. So I started doing the dishwasher, but the kittens we

foster kept getting up into it. So I used a spraybottle that you can use to

train cats not to climb certain things (give them a squirt) and once I thought

the cat was going to climb on top so I squirted him preemptively. (All the while

I was starting to freak out, but was trying to keep control of myself).

DH said that it was abusive to punish a cat when it hadn't done anything wrong,

and that really really upset me. I didn't want to be abusive! I started freaking

out even more--how can I ever be a good mother someday if I can't even treat the

foster kittens right? I went to lay down and rest--I was exhausted from work and

from stress, and then DH was worried about dinner that I left on the stove. I

told him he could do it, but he said he wasn't feeling well either, and might go

out to dinner. I told him, I thought we weren't eating out in order to afford my

counseling, and said that I'll skip counseling this week. He said no, I really

needed to be counseled.

In frustration, I said, " I just feel like screaming and jumping off the

building! " Not that I would ever do such a thing, but DH freaked out about this

percieved suicide threat, and that freaked me out even more. I was such a case.

One of our older cats, not a foster, came and lay down on my stomach and purred,

which calmed me down enough to finish dinner and eat it. But I was just crying

most of the night--and felt really disturbed by teh whole thing.

A) I worried too much about money like my fada, and despite my best effort, i

felt like I might have upset DH (DH has reassured me, we do actually have enough

in savings to handle everything).

I had a breakdown

C) In that breakdown, I made what amoutns to a suicide threat though I would

never do such thing, and that made me afraid. Especially after all the stories

on here about nadas using suicide threats to guilt-trip people?

I am still horribly scared of becoming like fada, I'm horribly scared that I

won't ever be a good mother myself in the future, and I'm ashamed for my

somewhat of a suicide statement. I've always thought things like " I feel like

jumping off a building " during my major depressive episodes but I'd never said

it aloud, and I would never follow through with it because I know that it's

never the answer to anything. I love life too much.

but I am still afraid I'm crazy. And I'm afraid of what my counselor would think

of it.

I'm finally recovering a little bit by pushing everything back down.

Oh also, Sunday being father's day, that always put me on such edge. I was

horribly angry all day Sunday, having psychosomatic effects of pain in my body.

Pain of fear.

And I've had a few nightmares about fada, which I hadn't had in a while.

Okay, I'm just rambling at this point. If you've read the whole thing, may God

bless you! And thanks for being a safe place for me to tell my stories.

June 23, 2011

The way I look at it is that everyone has their breaking point. I can usually

juggle two or three issues at a time, meaning negative things that need dealing

with, but add in a fourth and I have reached my capacity. I can't handle that

fourth thing too. I break down.

Other people can only deal with one or two things at a time, while others can

juggle a dozen stressful, negative issues at a time with no problem.

You had the subliminal stress of Father's Day that triggered unpleasant,

stressful memories for you, then your own recent dental surgery/temporary

crown, then your husband's accident, then your crown fell off, all of which also

triggered your worries about money. With both of you being in pain and needing

care, soothing and nurturing *at the same time*, you couldn't effectively be

there for each other. When you weren't able to receive the soothing and

nurturing you needed from each other, you didn't know how to deal with it, and

you both " broke down " at the same time. He got cranky and critical, and you

became depressed and withdrawing.

The way that episode evolved seems quite understandable to me, it was kind of a

" perfect storm " to brew up stress.

So, maybe just think of this as a learning experience, something that's letting

you know yourself better. If you share this with your therapist, I bet he or

she can give you some handy tools for staying more " in the moment " , allowing you

to recognize when the stressful things are getting to be too much for you to

juggle at one time.

If you can come to *recognize when you're approaching your breaking point*, you

can do things to self-soothe and reduce your stress and anxiety.

So, that's great that you have a good therapist; this is the kind of

meat-and-potatoes stuff that therapists are very effective with. Its nothing to

be ashamed of or worried about, and in my opinion the fact that you already have

insight and you care about others' feelings and you want to change, that means

you are way ahead of the game already.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> And I'm still working on some of the safety things with my counselor. So I

thought I'd share them here first, before counseling today after work.

>

> I'll start at the beginning. Last Friday, I went for a bike ride with my

husband along a popular trail in the city--but then a dirt clod from his last

ride caused chain " suck, " stopping his bike suddenly, causing him to fly over

the handlebars. He landed on his face, broke his nose and two front teeth. We

had to go to the hospital to stop his blood flow and get stitches. I kept

remarkably calm--the EMT said as much, that other wives would be freaking out by

then. I fainted when they were prepping him for the stitches.

>

> While we were in the hospital, I started worrying, quietly, about money. Money