Venting and Decontaminating

December 8, 2011

Ok. I haven't been here in a while, but today I need this. For the past 9

months I have been the primary caretaker of my 75 yr old nada.

history

My youngest brother mooches off of her ....when Dad died he came barrelling in

and moved her things out of the downstairs and took it over with his rock group

junk and belongings. A 45 year old teenager. He does not work, or look for

work. As soon as he moved in I got a call from her telling me to go to

hell....literally....along with some other snide remarks. Very ugly.

It was simply a 'get lost' message kicking me out of the family.

I have NEVER understood the reason for I gave no REASON for that kind of

treatment. (I think my brother lied to her about something because he was trying

to get his hands on her money and actually believed he would get the house

'alone')

For a while he was taking her to dialysis 3 times a week and helping her...or so

we thought. Then she called my other brother out of town and summoned more

help. He let me know wasn't really taking care of her anymore...he was

always gone sleeping with girlfriends and playing in his 'gigs'. omg.

Now My 'turn'

Soon after she had to be hospitalized and I got a call from telling me

about it....but he wasn't actually going to the hospital, and nobody was around

to help her. So I decided to try to forget the demonic message she left on my

phone and went. Of course since she abused the hospital staff, they put her on

geodon to make her more compliant....at my request. It worked until she found

out what it was for, and threw it away.

The 'new' of having me around is wearing off now...and we're right back to

hurling insults, pitching baby fits, expecting in entitlement,

demanding, (the queen), or crying because nobody loves her, and totally ignoring

my own physical challenges and problems ...

Actually I have been 'dancing' for her for a while and I am worn out ....I have

my own illnesses and of course we all know those don't make a d**n.

I live in my house and travel to hers because...who would want to live with her

.....and there's no place to stay anyway.

But we are talking about a woman who, despite her kidney disease and high blood

pressure, is really able to cook, wash her clothes, and take care of her

bathrooming. She loves to sit in a diaper in her throne until her body simply

dumps no. 2 on the living room rug because she won't get up and go to the d**n

bathroom. Besides refusing to take the medicines she needs (whine whine the

pills are too big to swallow) to control her bowel habit, her no. 1 and no. 2

habits are a preoccupation for her....and wants them to be so for me.

Even though I am wearing myself OUT going over there and 'working' as an

in-service maid and nurse, and neglecting my own home which needs me BADLY....it

isn't enough. As we all know...

it is never ENOUGH. If I take a day for myself she pouts, whines,

or gets mad. The ONLY thing about her that has improved is...

she cannot physically assault me anymore, and has had a couple of strokes which

took away some of her abnoxious personality.

The brother who lives out of town thanks me for " stepping up to the

plate " ....hmmmm...of course he does live away now...knowing full well what I'm

going through here. The brother in the basement is naturally always GONE

somewhere, sleeping with whores that follow his bands around, or supposedly

'practicing'. He has a boatload of 'reasons' to be gone, overnight or until

about 4 a.m.

He sleeps in the day. How convenient for his lazy butt.

So as always I have gone back into the childhood role of being the

caretaker. Just like growing up. I was the one who was 'there' when Dad the

truckdriver was on the road, and my brothers were

young. The oldest, only girl, now on disability and who cannot actually do what

I'm attempting to do.

I dream of leaving, I dream of LIVING, and I dream of dying.

Mostly these days I dream of blowing my brains out. I don't see a way out. You

guys know that these bpd people NEVER want to go to assisted living or give up

a single posession. I think today that when she dies, I'm going to have a

bulldozer bury all her 'things' right on top of her grave. bad joke.

I know the advice. Just don't go over there, or tell her I'm busy with my home.

It's not so simple. In the past, that's when she

" falls down " or has to go for a hospital stay...so she can draw me back in.

, of course, knows her tactics. In fact I think he too is bpd. He

'abuses' her. The dialysis clinic knows this and gave her the elder abuse

hotline number. Ironically, I think they abuse one another. I believe abusing

others is all she knows. She doesn't even know when she's doing it. And abuse

is not in my repetoire. Oh I know 'how' by her own teaching...but I do NOT do

that. My husband goes with me most of the time...and we've talked about it. He

tells me I'm too good to her. Guess I take after my Dad in many ways. Instead

I abuse myself. And there's

the rub.

When you abuse yourself because of a nada, how do you stop.

How do you reclaim your own life, when you have a nada who

really has some honest 'needs' along with all those piped up ones.

And how do you manage a situation where you neither have the

authority (legally) or the resources to do so. Not to mention the toll this is

taking on my husband, who is himself in need of my care.

True need. It all turned out exactly as I always expected it would.

I am her caretaker, and my lazy assed brothers are out having fun.

Just like when I was a kid.

Nothing ...absolutely NOTHING changed.

December 8, 2011

If I were you I'd examine the topic of codependency and I'd focus on my own

issues. Rescuing can be a way to get relief from our own demons. Your

mother has other children. If you martyr yourself, you are a volunteer, not

a slave. Sorry if this sounds harsh. Your mother sounds like a monster and

perhaps she deserves her fate.

> **

>

> Ok. I haven't been here in a while, but today I need this. For the past 9

> months I have been the primary caretaker of my 75 yr old nada.

> history

> My youngest brother mooches off of her ....when Dad died he came

> barrelling in and moved her things out of the downstairs and took it over

> with his rock group junk and belongings. A 45 year old teenager. He does

> not work, or look for work. As soon as he moved in I got a call from her

> telling me to go to hell....literally....along with some other snide

> remarks. Very ugly.

> It was simply a 'get lost' message kicking me out of the family.

> I have NEVER understood the reason for I gave no REASON for that kind of

> treatment. (I think my brother lied to her about something because he was

> trying to get his hands on her money and actually believed he would get the

> house 'alone')

> For a while he was taking her to dialysis 3 times a week and helping

> her...or so we thought. Then she called my other brother out of town and

> summoned more help. He let me know wasn't really taking care of her

> anymore...he was always gone sleeping with girlfriends and playing in his

> 'gigs'. omg.

> Now My 'turn'

> Soon after she had to be hospitalized and I got a call from telling

> me about it....but he wasn't actually going to the hospital, and nobody was

> around to help her. So I decided to try to forget the demonic message she

> left on my phone and went. Of course since she abused the hospital staff,

> they put her on geodon to make her more compliant....at my request. It

> worked until she found out what it was for, and threw it away.

>

> The 'new' of having me around is wearing off now...and we're right back to

> hurling insults, pitching baby fits, expecting in entitlement,

> demanding, (the queen), or crying because nobody loves her, and totally

> ignoring my own physical challenges and problems ...

> Actually I have been 'dancing' for her for a while and I am worn out ....I

> have my own illnesses and of course we all know those don't make a d**n.

> I live in my house and travel to hers because...who would want to live

> with her ....and there's no place to stay anyway.

>

> But we are talking about a woman who, despite her kidney disease and high

> blood pressure, is really able to cook, wash her clothes, and take care of

> her bathrooming. She loves to sit in a diaper in her throne until her body

> simply dumps no. 2 on the living room rug because she won't get up and go

> to the d**n bathroom. Besides refusing to take the medicines she needs

> (whine whine the pills are too big to swallow) to control her bowel habit,

> her no. 1 and no. 2 habits are a preoccupation for her....and wants them to

> be so for me.

> Even though I am wearing myself OUT going over there and 'working' as an

> in-service maid and nurse, and neglecting my own home which needs me

> BADLY....it isn't enough. As we all know...

> it is never ENOUGH. If I take a day for myself she pouts, whines,

> or gets mad. The ONLY thing about her that has improved is...

> she cannot physically assault me anymore, and has had a couple of strokes

> which took away some of her abnoxious personality.

>

> The brother who lives out of town thanks me for " stepping up to the

> plate " ....hmmmm...of course he does live away now...knowing full well what

> I'm going through here. The brother in the basement is naturally always

> GONE somewhere, sleeping with whores that follow his bands around, or

> supposedly 'practicing'. He has a boatload of 'reasons' to be gone,

> overnight or until about 4 a.m.

> He sleeps in the day. How convenient for his lazy butt.

>

> So as always I have gone back into the childhood role of being the

> caretaker. Just like growing up. I was the one who was 'there' when Dad

> the truckdriver was on the road, and my brothers were

> young. The oldest, only girl, now on disability and who cannot actually do

> what I'm attempting to do.

>

> I dream of leaving, I dream of LIVING, and I dream of dying.

> Mostly these days I dream of blowing my brains out. I don't see a way out.

> You guys know that these bpd people NEVER want to go to assisted living or

> give up a single posession. I think today that when she dies, I'm going to

> have a bulldozer bury all her 'things' right on top of her grave. bad joke.

>

> I know the advice. Just don't go over there, or tell her I'm busy with my

> home. It's not so simple. In the past, that's when she

> " falls down " or has to go for a hospital stay...so she can draw me back

> in. , of course, knows her tactics. In fact I think he too is bpd. He

> 'abuses' her. The dialysis clinic knows this and gave her the elder abuse

> hotline number. Ironically, I think they abuse one another. I believe

> abusing others is all she knows. She doesn't even know when she's doing it.

> And abuse is not in my repetoire. Oh I know 'how' by her own teaching...but

> I do NOT do that. My husband goes with me most of the time...and we've

> talked about it. He tells me I'm too good to her. Guess I take after my Dad

> in many ways. Instead I abuse myself. And there's

> the rub.

> When you abuse yourself because of a nada, how do you stop.

> How do you reclaim your own life, when you have a nada who

> really has some honest 'needs' along with all those piped up ones.

> And how do you manage a situation where you neither have the

> authority (legally) or the resources to do so. Not to mention the toll

> this is taking on my husband, who is himself in need of my care.

> True need. It all turned out exactly as I always expected it would.

> I am her caretaker, and my lazy assed brothers are out having fun.

> Just like when I was a kid.

> Nothing ...absolutely NOTHING changed.

>

December 8, 2011

Remind yourself that you too are important. Your quality of life is important.

Stop being your nada's caretaker and let the chips fall as they may. Sometimes

you have to be the bad one in your nada's eyes and turn away in order to really

live your life and escape the control. When you stop helping, your nada will

figure out how much help she really needs. Like you said, she can do many things

for herself. She will do what she can do and the rest she can hire out. If the

ability to pay stands in the way, have your brothers share in the cost of hiring

help.

When my nada became ill with cancer 5 years ago, she came to live with me,

suggesting she didn't want to be alone and deal with her situation, leaving her

rental home a state away. The minute she came into my house she started with the

chaos and accusations and control. Within days she was running our entire

household and making us all miserable. My husband and son begged me to do

something so I suggested to my nada that we rent her a small house in town and

then I could visit her daily and we could both have our own space. In return,

she came into my room in the middle of the night, making accusations that I

hated her and wanted to see her gone. In reality, I just wanted the stress she

was causing by living with us to go away and I actually looked forward to having

her in town in her own place. But she wouldn't let it go and kept up with the

drama so I shut down, just wishing the hate and venom would go away. A few days

later, she drove off into the sunset to go stay with my sister who then " saved "

her. A year later she told me I was the terrible daughter and my sister was the

good one because of how I acted.

I understand that it can be hard to put your needs first when your nada's health

seems so much more important but you have to take care of yourself. When I

finally stood up to my nada and suggested a different alternative, I ended up

being blasted and called a bad guy but at least I regained a sense of myself

later. And I also partially saved my 17 year old son who was being abused

emotionally while my nada was under my roof. Later, my son had to see a

therapist to deal with the emotions he experienced during that time. He still

doesn't have a relationship with my nada.

You and your husband are worth saving. Put yourself and your needs first. May

you find comfort in knowing that others have had to take hard steps before too.

I wish you the best in this difficult situation.

Darcy

>

> Ok. I haven't been here in a while, but today I need this. For the past 9

months I have been the primary caretaker of my 75 yr old nada.

> history

> My youngest brother mooches off of her ....when Dad died he came barrelling in