Workplace Bully Triggering Nada-Esque Feelings

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

Forgive me as it's a little OT, but I know from time to time we post here about

how torturous it is when we encounter a workplace bully. I've been working

about a year for a very small organization, and it's become increasingly

apparent to me that the director is a covert bully. My other co-worker has come

to me a few times in tears because the boss was so mean to her. As for myself,

I've noticed over the past couple of months that it's been harder and harder to

go to work, and that I have tons less emotional energy than I used to, and that

when I see her car in the parking lot, I get sick to my stomach.

Yesterday I researched ths issue online, and found the specific covert tactics

that this boss has been using. She smiles a lot and is not a directly insulting

bully (though she does inflict insults sometimes). She does things like

withhold information about basic job duties and what's expected, then chastize

for not having known of them, constantly moving goal posts and not acknowledging

accomplishments, relational abuse--trying to turn co-workers against each other

or humiliate or embarass us in front of interns or others we supervise...she

also nit-picks as to personal details, making unfair depictions--for example, I

recently was tasked (by HER) with many things that required non-traditional

hours. She called me to task for not showing up as much during traditional

hours. I had actually worked OT, and at things *she requested--AND excelled

with some great successes. And she gave me grief for not coming into the office

one day during normal business hours. (I had been in the office early that

morning and then worked out of the office all day.) The success I'd had was a

pretty big deal and I was amazed that she was actually fussing at me instead of

congratulating me on such a huge public accomplishment for our company.

I am taking this very, very hard. It's such a small company that noone

supervises her except the Board of Directors. So there's not a higher up I can

really approach--though I can, certainly, start making inquiries about the Board

and what they do, when they meet etc. But I just want to start by saying how

unbearable this is. I can't believe I have gone through SO much to become

completely independent and NC from nada, only to be hit with a stupid bully in

the work place sucking my soul out! It is unbearable! I really am not sure

what to do at this point. It's really not easy to try and re-build your stamina

and energy once the bully has built up to a toxic level. And the particular

methods of THIS bully--although she is not a BPD--are very similar to a BPD,

because in her particular cultural background women only used 'masked'

aggression, out and out aggression would not be acceptable. I have been feeling

like a 12 year old at home all over again, being rejected and humiliated by

nada.

God! This is so awful. I suppose I am going to have to confront her at some

point. I am at a loss right now, just trying to research and figure out what

could possibly be done to make my work place more bearable. I am in a position

where I could quit if very necessary, but it would cause some real problems for

me--and it could compromise people that this company serves. I find that this

is affecting my health, my sleep, my appearance (I'm not motivated to take care

of myself as much as I should)...it's a nightmare!! I really think that there

should be some rule of the Universe that KOs do not get dealt bully bosses!!

Arrgh!

Charlie

[Guest guest]

Charlie, if you can I advise quit! I think growing up with a nada causes (at

least for me) a very maladaptive response to bullies and stressful

circumstances. The idea that we have to stay and endure it, or work with it or

around it or we are some kind of failure. No! Just because we were trapped as

children does not mean we have to stay and take it as adults. I worked at a

company that had a bullying type culture which they euphemistically called

" competitive " for many years and I fought the good fight but it basically

destroyed me over time. I wish so much when it first got bad I had just LEFT!

I know you might have circumstances that make that an unattractive option but

please consider it...you've only got one life.

Eliza

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> Forgive me as it's a little OT, but I know from time to time we post here

about how torturous it is when we encounter a workplace bully. I've been

working about a year for a very small organization, and it's become increasingly

apparent to me that the director is a covert bully. My other co-worker has come

to me a few times in tears because the boss was so mean to her. As for myself,

I've noticed over the past couple of months that it's been harder and harder to

go to work, and that I have tons less emotional energy than I used to, and that

when I see her car in the parking lot, I get sick to my stomach.

>

> Yesterday I researched ths issue online, and found the specific covert tactics

that this boss has been using. She smiles a lot and is not a directly insulting

bully (though she does inflict insults sometimes). She does things like

withhold information about basic job duties and what's expected, then chastize

for not having known of them, constantly moving goal posts and not acknowledging

accomplishments, relational abuse--trying to turn co-workers against each other

or humiliate or embarass us in front of interns or others we supervise...she

also nit-picks as to personal details, making unfair depictions--for example, I

recently was tasked (by HER) with many things that required non-traditional

hours. She called me to task for not showing up as much during traditional

hours. I had actually worked OT, and at things *she requested--AND excelled

with some great successes. And she gave me grief for not coming into the office

one day during normal business hours. (I had been in the office early that

morning and then worked out of the office all day.) The success I'd had was a

pretty big deal and I was amazed that she was actually fussing at me instead of

congratulating me on such a huge public accomplishment for our company.

>

> I am taking this very, very hard. It's such a small company that noone

supervises her except the Board of Directors. So there's not a higher up I can

really approach--though I can, certainly, start making inquiries about the Board

and what they do, when they meet etc. But I just want to start by saying how

unbearable this is. I can't believe I have gone through SO much to become

completely independent and NC from nada, only to be hit with a stupid bully in

the work place sucking my soul out! It is unbearable! I really am not sure

what to do at this point. It's really not easy to try and re-build your stamina

and energy once the bully has built up to a toxic level. And the particular

methods of THIS bully--although she is not a BPD--are very similar to a BPD,

because in her particular cultural background women only used 'masked'

aggression, out and out aggression would not be acceptable. I have been feeling

like a 12 year old at home all over again, being rejected and humiliated by

nada.

>

> God! This is so awful. I suppose I am going to have to confront her at some

point. I am at a loss right now, just trying to research and figure out what

could possibly be done to make my work place more bearable. I am in a position

where I could quit if very necessary, but it would cause some real problems for

me--and it could compromise people that this company serves. I find that this

is affecting my health, my sleep, my appearance (I'm not motivated to take care

of myself as much as I should)...it's a nightmare!! I really think that there

should be some rule of the Universe that KOs do not get dealt bully bosses!!

>

> Arrgh!

> Charlie

>

[Guest guest]

I would document everything that happens if you can. Dates, times, etc. I also

agree with the other poster that it might be time to leave. when you find other

employment you can go to the board with your documentation, and maybe ask them

that she be replaced or you leave. More than likely it will be you that leaves.

I once saw the owner of a business let 5 department managers walk out on the

same day rather than get rid of an extremely dysfunctional general manager. I

think you are taking too much responsibilty for the people you reference that

the business serves. You need to worry about your own mental health. Something

my therapist keeps stressing for me is that just the fact that the environment I

am currently in triggers me about childhood in so many ways is enough to make it

a stressor and unnacceptable, irrespective of the actual characteristics of the

current situation, i.e. to be triggered about my childhood on this level is

painful and I need to get out of it, without having to bring the actual daily

events into play. That was something I never considered before, that just the

pain of the memories being triggered was enough to make it non-tenable.

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> Forgive me as it's a little OT, but I know from time to time we post here

about how torturous it is when we encounter a workplace bully. I've been

working about a year for a very small organization, and it's become increasingly

apparent to me that the director is a covert bully. My other co-worker has come

to me a few times in tears because the boss was so mean to her. As for myself,

I've noticed over the past couple of months that it's been harder and harder to

go to work, and that I have tons less emotional energy than I used to, and that

when I see her car in the parking lot, I get sick to my stomach.

>

> Yesterday I researched ths issue online, and found the specific covert tactics

that this boss has been using. She smiles a lot and is not a directly insulting

bully (though she does inflict insults sometimes). She does things like

withhold information about basic job duties and what's expected, then chastize

for not having known of them, constantly moving goal posts and not acknowledging

accomplishments, relational abuse--trying to turn co-workers against each other

or humiliate or embarass us in front of interns or others we supervise...she

also nit-picks as to personal details, making unfair depictions--for example, I

recently was tasked (by HER) with many things that required non-traditional

hours. She called me to task for not showing up as much during traditional

hours. I had actually worked OT, and at things *she requested--AND excelled

with some great successes. And she gave me grief for not coming into the office

one day during normal business hours. (I had been in the office early that

morning and then worked out of the office all day.) The success I'd had was a

pretty big deal and I was amazed that she was actually fussing at me instead of

congratulating me on such a huge public accomplishment for our company.

>

> I am taking this very, very hard. It's such a small company that noone

supervises her except the Board of Directors. So there's not a higher up I can

really approach--though I can, certainly, start making inquiries about the Board

and what they do, when they meet etc. But I just want to start by saying how

unbearable this is. I can't believe I have gone through SO much to become

completely independent and NC from nada, only to be hit with a stupid bully in

the work place sucking my soul out! It is unbearable! I really am not sure

what to do at this point. It's really not easy to try and re-build your stamina

and energy once the bully has built up to a toxic level. And the particular

methods of THIS bully--although she is not a BPD--are very similar to a BPD,

because in her particular cultural background women only used 'masked'

aggression, out and out aggression would not be acceptable. I have been feeling

like a 12 year old at home all over again, being rejected and humiliated by

nada.

>

> God! This is so awful. I suppose I am going to have to confront her at some

point. I am at a loss right now, just trying to research and figure out what

could possibly be done to make my work place more bearable. I am in a position

where I could quit if very necessary, but it would cause some real problems for

me--and it could compromise people that this company serves. I find that this

is affecting my health, my sleep, my appearance (I'm not motivated to take care

of myself as much as I should)...it's a nightmare!! I really think that there

should be some rule of the Universe that KOs do not get dealt bully bosses!!

>

> Arrgh!

> Charlie

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Eliza and lle for these responses. I really needed this validation. I

think that as I learn to look it in the eye, I am going to discover that this is

more of a problem (and having more of an effect on me) than I'd thought. I'd

thought I was simply burned out, but then I noticed over the past couple of

weeks that breaks were not helping me to rejuvenate as they used to. I am

really very distraught about this! This particular bully has such insidious,

grain-of-truth-in-the-attack techniques that it could be very difficult, if not

impossible, to get her to mend her ways. What is amazing me now is the effect

it's already having on my health and productivity after only one year (and only

a few weeks of discovery). I am literally sick to my stomach.

I'm in research and shock mode now. I am indeed going to leave this job

asap--but that might not be for another year or so.

More as things develop; other input very welcome! I feel still very confused

and feel the wind knocked out of me.

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> >

> > Forgive me as it's a little OT, but I know from time to time we post here

about how torturous it is when we encounter a workplace bully. I've been

working about a year for a very small organization, and it's become increasingly

apparent to me that the director is a covert bully. My other co-worker has come

to me a few times in tears because the boss was so mean to her. As for myself,

I've noticed over the past couple of months that it's been harder and harder to

go to work, and that I have tons less emotional energy than I used to, and that

when I see her car in the parking lot, I get sick to my stomach.

> >

> > Yesterday I researched ths issue online, and found the specific covert

tactics that this boss has been using. She smiles a lot and is not a directly

insulting bully (though she does inflict insults sometimes). She does things

like withhold information about basic job duties and what's expected, then

chastize for not having known of them, constantly moving goal posts and not

acknowledging accomplishments, relational abuse--trying to turn co-workers

against each other or humiliate or embarass us in front of interns or others we

supervise...she also nit-picks as to personal details, making unfair

depictions--for example, I recently was tasked (by HER) with many things that

required non-traditional hours. She called me to task for not showing up as

much during traditional hours. I had actually worked OT, and at things *she

requested--AND excelled with some great successes. And she gave me grief for

not coming into the office one day during normal business hours. (I had been in

the office early that morning and then worked out of the office all day.) The

success I'd had was a pretty big deal and I was amazed that she was actually

fussing at me instead of congratulating me on such a huge public accomplishment

for our company.

> >

> > I am taking this very, very hard. It's such a small company that noone

supervises her except the Board of Directors. So there's not a higher up I can

really approach--though I can, certainly, start making inquiries about the Board

and what they do, when they meet etc. But I just want to start by saying how

unbearable this is. I can't believe I have gone through SO much to become

completely independent and NC from nada, only to be hit with a stupid bully in

the work place sucking my soul out! It is unbearable! I really am not sure

what to do at this point. It's really not easy to try and re-build your stamina

and energy once the bully has built up to a toxic level. And the particular

methods of THIS bully--although she is not a BPD--are very similar to a BPD,

because in her particular cultural background women only used 'masked'

aggression, out and out aggression would not be acceptable. I have been feeling

like a 12 year old at home all over again, being rejected and humiliated by

nada.

> >

> > God! This is so awful. I suppose I am going to have to confront her at

some point. I am at a loss right now, just trying to research and figure out

what could possibly be done to make my work place more bearable. I am in a

position where I could quit if very necessary, but it would cause some real

problems for me--and it could compromise people that this company serves. I

find that this is affecting my health, my sleep, my appearance (I'm not

motivated to take care of myself as much as I should)...it's a nightmare!! I

really think that there should be some rule of the Universe that KOs do not get

dealt bully bosses!!

> >

> > Arrgh!

> > Charlie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

just having a plan of escape can help sometimes, at least you have set a goal. I

thought it was really interesting what you said about being drained because my

therapist told me this past session that apparently it's known in that field

that one way to know if they are counseling a borderline is that they start

feeling really drained and exhausted after the session is up; it's one of the

warning signs, like the canary in the mine, that the client might actually be a

borderline. So I found that impressive because if they can drain a counselor

without them even being aware, there is no telling what they can do to a

'civilian'.

> > >

> > > Hi everyone,

> > >

> > > Forgive me as it's a little OT, but I know from time to time we post here

about how torturous it is when we encounter a workplace bully. I've been

working about a year for a very small organization, and it's become increasingly

apparent to me that the director is a covert bully. My other co-worker has come

to me a few times in tears because the boss was so mean to her. As for myself,

I've noticed over the past couple of months that it's been harder and harder to

go to work, and that I have tons less emotional energy than I used to, and that

when I see her car in the parking lot, I get sick to my stomach.

> > >

> > > Yesterday I researched ths issue online, and found the specific covert

tactics that this boss has been using. She smiles a lot and is not a directly

insulting bully (though she does inflict insults sometimes). She does things

like withhold information about basic job duties and what's expected, then

chastize for not having known of them, constantly moving goal posts and not

acknowledging accomplishments, relational abuse--trying to turn co-workers

against each other or humiliate or embarass us in front of interns or others we

supervise...she also nit-picks as to personal details, making unfair

depictions--for example, I recently was tasked (by HER) with many things that

required non-traditional hours. She called me to task for not showing up as

much during traditional hours. I had actually worked OT, and at things *she

requested--AND excelled with some great successes. And she gave me grief for

not coming into the office one day during normal business hours. (I had been in

the office early that morning and then worked out of the office all day.) The

success I'd had was a pretty big deal and I was amazed that she was actually

fussing at me instead of congratulating me on such a huge public accomplishment

for our company.

> > >

> > > I am taking this very, very hard. It's such a small company that noone

supervises her except the Board of Directors. So there's not a higher up I can

really approach--though I can, certainly, start making inquiries about the Board

and what they do, when they meet etc. But I just want to start by saying how

unbearable this is. I can't believe I have gone through SO much to become

completely independent and NC from nada, only to be hit with a stupid bully in

the work place sucking my soul out! It is unbearable! I really am not sure

what to do at this point. It's really not easy to try and re-build your stamina

and energy once the bully has built up to a toxic level. And the particular

methods of THIS bully--although she is not a BPD--are very similar to a BPD,

because in her particular cultural background women only used 'masked'

aggression, out and out aggression would not be acceptable. I have been feeling

like a 12 year old at home all over again, being rejected and humiliated by

nada.

> > >

> > > God! This is so awful. I suppose I am going to have to confront her at

some point. I am at a loss right now, just trying to research and figure out

what could possibly be done to make my work place more bearable. I am in a

position where I could quit if very necessary, but it would cause some real

problems for me--and it could compromise people that this company serves. I

find that this is affecting my health, my sleep, my appearance (I'm not

motivated to take care of myself as much as I should)...it's a nightmare!! I

really think that there should be some rule of the Universe that KOs do not get

dealt bully bosses!!

> > >

> > > Arrgh!

> > > Charlie

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

As you said, you are in shock right now, realizing what is going on and how it

has been affecting you. Now that you are aware, you will be more vigilant is

spotting her manipulations. I hope you will be able to get out of there soon, as

having to stay on the alert in an unsafe environment is physically/mentally

draining.

We KO's have fought hard to separate from FOO. Having personality defective

bosses is a cruel joke on us. I've had a few myself--the one I have now is a

NPD. You have my sympathy.

>

> Thanks Eliza and lle for these responses. I really needed this validation. I

think that as I learn to look it in the eye, I am going to discover that this is

more of a problem (and having more of an effect on me) than I'd thought. I'd

thought I was simply burned out, but then I noticed over the past couple of

weeks that breaks were not helping me to rejuvenate as they used to. I am

really very distraught about this! This particular bully has such insidious,

grain-of-truth-in-the-attack techniques that it could be very difficult, if not

impossible, to get her to mend her ways. What is amazing me now is the effect

it's already having on my health and productivity after only one year (and only

a few weeks of discovery). I am literally sick to my stomach.

>

> I'm in research and shock mode now. I am indeed going to leave this job

asap--but that might not be for another year or so.

>

> More as things develop; other input very welcome! I feel still very confused

and feel the wind knocked out of me.

>