Recent events and depression (Long)

June 24, 2011

Hello,

I apologize for the incredible length of this post and thanks to anyone

willing to read all of this.

I have had a series of events in my life recently that have led me to a

partial break-down and depression. I have never been able to make friends

easily due to my social issues that I acquired being raised by a nada. The

few “friends” that I have are aware of my issues, many of which I have

worked very hard to overcome. I have come to the realization that at least

some of my “friends” are not the healthy relationships that I had previously

thought. There are also other stressors that preceded the events of last

night with the “friends”.

First, my best friend (the only one I know is a true friend) has been

dealing with several difficult life issues. She has been withdrawn and

unavailable as a support for me. This is completely understandable due to

what she is coping with but I mention it because it does add to my stress.

On Saturday, I had one of my rare days of needing to let loose a bit. I am

a married mother of two and a college student. My days consist of

schoolwork and housework and caring for my kids. I usually love my life but

once in a great while, I feel the need to live it up. I wanted to go

dancing with a friend of mine. Hubby hates dancing but also has his own

issues with over-protectiveness and a fear of me cheating (which I have

never done). He didn’t want me to go because it is in a bad neighborhood

and there would be lots of guys looking for a one night date. We had a

terrible argument in which he told out toddler that mommy is going

“slutting”. I eventually went but have been mad at hubby ever since. I

know that his first fiancée cheated on him but I don’t see how that should

warrant me never being able to go out. I also don’t understand the common

idea that a mother should not ever let loose.

I have been working very hard for the past three days. I cleaned my entire

kitchen including cabinets, fridge, freezer, ect. I also cleaned three

closets that were full of dust and organized several hundred books. I was

tired and looking forward to some good food and to relax.

Last night, we went to eat with some “friends”. We have been friends with

them for years but don’t see them often because we all have children now. I

discovered that they are not friends or healthy people. The entire night

these “friends” verbally attacked me and put me down. They said that I

never clean, cook, or otherwise work. They attacked my parenting skills and

blamed me for our toddler not being potty trained. They know that, due to

my relationship with nada, that I used to suffer several terrible fears. I

was terrified of fireworks, driving, and other silly things. I have worked

very hard to overcome these fears for the sake of my children and my

children have never seen me freak out. They still blamed me for my

daughter’s fear of loud noises. They sided with my husband and said that I

should not expect to be allowed to go out dancing because it is dangerous.

I came home and just lost it. I was shaking and crying. My husband felt

terrible that he didn’t realize what was going on sooner. Now, I am feeling

very depressed and back to having just the one friend who is unavailable

right now. I can’t understand what it is that I do to make people hate me

to such a vicious extent. I wish that I could pinpoint the characteristics

that make people dislike me so that I could change them. I am hardworking,

kind, and always consider other people’s feelings but they still seem to

think so lowly of me.

Thank you if you have made it this far. Does anyone else have troubles

making and keeping friends? How do you deal with it?

BB

June 24, 2011

My two cents: people don't hate you. You attract jerks. We all do. It's part of

being a child of a personality-disordered parent: cutting remarks, snide

comments, and general rudeness seem " normal " to us, so we surround ourselves

with people who exhibit these behaviors, and ultimately beat ourselves up

wondering why our feelings get hurt all the time. What we need to learn to do is

recognize when someone's being mean to us, set a boundary, and if it's violated

know that this is not a safe person and walk away.

One of the biggest fights my husband and I ever had was when we were having a

disagreement and he turned to my then-toddler daughter and said " Your mother is

being unreasonable. " I lost it--I basically interpreted that as my husband

trying to " instruct " my daughter that my opinion was " unreasonable " and trying

to get her on his side by disparaging mine, when in fact the topic of the

disagreement was that I didn't want to take on a rather involved painting

project at the end of a ten-hour work day, thankyouverymuch. Long story short,

he got an earful of Writer anger, and hasn't tried anything like that since.

Your husband's " slutting " comment sounds similar--he's trying to get your child

to take his side by making unfounded deragatory comments about yours. Totally

not acceptable, IMHO.

And your dinner " friends " ? I would not fault you one bit if you ditched them

before finishing the end of this post. They are not acting like friends at all.

AT. ALL. I bet they're the type that would follow up these comments with " just

kidding " or " you're too sensitive " or " you're so much fun to tease! " Gaaaaaah!

Do you have a therapist? They're wonderful people for helping sort these sorts

of issues out. Sounds to me like you're completely right for feeling bent out of

shape.

>

> Hello,

>

> I apologize for the incredible length of this post and thanks to anyone

> willing to read all of this.

>

> I have had a series of events in my life recently that have led me to a

> partial break-down and depression. I have never been able to make friends

> easily due to my social issues that I acquired being raised by a nada. The

> few " friends " that I have are aware of my issues, many of which I have

> worked very hard to overcome. I have come to the realization that at least

> some of my " friends " are not the healthy relationships that I had previously

> thought. There are also other stressors that preceded the events of last

> night with the " friends " .

>

> First, my best friend (the only one I know is a true friend) has been

> dealing with several difficult life issues. She has been withdrawn and

> unavailable as a support for me. This is completely understandable due to

> what she is coping with but I mention it because it does add to my stress.

>

> On Saturday, I had one of my rare days of needing to let loose a bit. I am

> a married mother of two and a college student. My days consist of

> schoolwork and housework and caring for my kids. I usually love my life but

> once in a great while, I feel the need to live it up. I wanted to go

> dancing with a friend of mine. Hubby hates dancing but also has his own

> issues with over-protectiveness and a fear of me cheating (which I have

> never done). He didn't want me to go because it is in a bad neighborhood

> and there would be lots of guys looking for a one night date. We had a

> terrible argument in which he told out toddler that mommy is going

> " slutting " . I eventually went but have been mad at hubby ever since. I

> know that his first fiancée cheated on him but I don't see how that should

> warrant me never being able to go out. I also don't understand the common

> idea that a mother should not ever let loose.

>

> I have been working very hard for the past three days. I cleaned my entire

> kitchen including cabinets, fridge, freezer, ect. I also cleaned three

> closets that were full of dust and organized several hundred books. I was

> tired and looking forward to some good food and to relax.

>

> Last night, we went to eat with some " friends " . We have been friends with

> them for years but don't see them often because we all have children now. I

> discovered that they are not friends or healthy people. The entire night

> these " friends " verbally attacked me and put me down. They said that I

> never clean, cook, or otherwise work. They attacked my parenting skills and

> blamed me for our toddler not being potty trained. They know that, due to

> my relationship with nada, that I used to suffer several terrible fears. I

> was terrified of fireworks, driving, and other silly things. I have worked

> very hard to overcome these fears for the sake of my children and my

> children have never seen me freak out. They still blamed me for my

> daughter's fear of loud noises. They sided with my husband and said that I

> should not expect to be allowed to go out dancing because it is dangerous.

>

> I came home and just lost it. I was shaking and crying. My husband felt

> terrible that he didn't realize what was going on sooner. Now, I am feeling

> very depressed and back to having just the one friend who is unavailable

> right now. I can't understand what it is that I do to make people hate me

> to such a vicious extent. I wish that I could pinpoint the characteristics

> that make people dislike me so that I could change them. I am hardworking,

> kind, and always consider other people's feelings but they still seem to

> think so lowly of me.

>

> Thank you if you have made it this far. Does anyone else have troubles

> making and keeping friends? How do you deal with it?

>

> BB

>

June 24, 2011

Yes, the only true friends I have are my husband and sister. Making friends is

extremely difficult. When I worked with people I had work friends, but those

relationships never seems to last past one of you moving on.

There are 2 dynamics involved in my finding it difficult to make lasting

friendships that are mutually supportive.

1) Finding another person who is also looking for friendship. Most people are

happily set up with a network of friends and family, and opening the door to new

friends is not on their radar screen unless they have just moved here, started a

new job, kids in new schools, etc., and are looking to set up a support network.

2) When I meet new people & take new jobs, my personality traits project self

sacrifice and subjugation, because I want to be liked/found valuable enough to

keep. These are not my normal personality traits. I think I often attract the

wrong type of persons due to this faulty wiring (fleas). Not only that, when I

finally feel safe around new people, my real personality traits come out and

those people must feel like I pulled a bait and switch on them. I am working

really hard to not default to these traits when I meet new people.

Additionally, my T has told me that after someone has had a lot of therapy it

becomes more difficult to find like minded friends--we have acquired really good

radar for problem people and don't want to spend our time cultivating those

people as friends. Also, we have acquired a bit more emotional intelligence in

some areas and just aren't willing to form less than fulfilling relationships

just for the sake of calling someone 'friend'--it has to have deeper meaning.