Nada imagines I'm in friendship poverty

[Guest guest]

My nada just said something that upsets me a lot. It keeps cutting in deeper and

deeper, and I'd love some kind of response back that's empathic, yes? I'm

feeling instantly sick by it - her delight. There's a friend of hers over, and

she just said very conspiratorially about me " She finally has a friend. One

friend! The tide is turning, things are looking up! She's filling in that

'pot'. "

And the friend laughed, totally comfortable, obviously having been a part of all

this before.

So... that's it then. I'm wearing all this 'armor' making sure I don't express

myself naturally around her, that I don't say how I really feel, that I don't

mis-use my body motions too quickly or do anything at all to upset her, and of

course keeping 120% of my life private. Like everything is ammunition for her,

and some treasured piece that she uses to tell everybody, wrestle over and

completely maul. And here is this contorted version of me about my friendships,

and it HURTS. It really really hurts. I do have my own friends that I spend time

with, and the time I spend with them - eh, I'll kick their asses if they talk

about anything nada-related. That's how starved I am for nada-free time, and

here she's extended herself into that as well...

My accomplishments seem null when she speaks. I moved here recently, which

represents a new city for me, and I didn't pick up right away - so I'm glad for

the friends I have, but the situation isn't what she says - and it isn't

laughable, hell no! It hurts way way way way more than I imagined. I feel like I

can hear it all the back my entire life - which is to say someone as ridiculed

as that, probably doesn't go out and seek her 'new friends' and thus summarily

loses them...

Like I feel tempted to lose everything I've struggled to gain...

S.

[Guest guest]

I hear ya . Somehow these nadas seem to know the perfect thing to say

that will cut to the quick and the more we think on it the more it hurts. I'm

sure you already know this, but how your nada sees you, how she describes your

reality to herself or to anyone else is distorted and crazy. Imagine you are

walking down the street and some crazy bum yells out that you finally found a

friend. How seriously would you take it? It's my goal to get to a place (not

there yet) of taking such things in that spirit. Another thought...everyone

raised by a not good-enough mother is going to have a hole they live with. For

your mother to say that you are " filling in that pot " to me hits that trigger

since she's the one who created any fundamental sense of loss that you have.

Just try to imagine her with a tinfoil hat on her head if that helps...

Eliza

>

> My nada just said something that upsets me a lot. It keeps cutting in deeper

and deeper, and I'd love some kind of response back that's empathic, yes? I'm

feeling instantly sick by it - her delight. There's a friend of hers over, and

she just said very conspiratorially about me " She finally has a friend. One

friend! The tide is turning, things are looking up! She's filling in that

'pot'. "

>

> And the friend laughed, totally comfortable, obviously having been a part of

all this before.

>

> So... that's it then. I'm wearing all this 'armor' making sure I don't express

myself naturally around her, that I don't say how I really feel, that I don't

mis-use my body motions too quickly or do anything at all to upset her, and of

course keeping 120% of my life private. Like everything is ammunition for her,

and some treasured piece that she uses to tell everybody, wrestle over and

completely maul. And here is this contorted version of me about my friendships,

and it HURTS. It really really hurts. I do have my own friends that I spend time

with, and the time I spend with them - eh, I'll kick their asses if they talk

about anything nada-related. That's how starved I am for nada-free time, and

here she's extended herself into that as well...

>

> My accomplishments seem null when she speaks. I moved here recently, which

represents a new city for me, and I didn't pick up right away - so I'm glad for

the friends I have, but the situation isn't what she says - and it isn't

laughable, hell no! It hurts way way way way more than I imagined. I feel like I

can hear it all the back my entire life - which is to say someone as ridiculed

as that, probably doesn't go out and seek her 'new friends' and thus summarily

loses them...

>

> Like I feel tempted to lose everything I've struggled to gain...

>

> S.

>

[Guest guest]

Sounds to me like your mother is projecting, and trying to compensate for her

own sense of worthlessness/emptiness.

This has absolutely nothing to do with you.

I'm sorry your mother is a bully instead of an ally. Hugs to you!

Sveta

[Guest guest]

S -

I agree with both Svet and Eliza. Your nada is so tied up in her own phobias and

fears that you are just on the fringe. What she said was hurtful, mean and

bullying - but was about her fears, and had nothing to do with you or what is

true about you. I have been in your shoes before and it does cut to the quick,

even when we know it is not true, and that it is nada talking - it is still your

mom, and for some reason we still expect them to be kind and supportive and

loving. Whoever the friend of her's that she said this too and who laughed with

her is obviously trying to stay on nada's good side, or is emeshed with her.

I don't have the answer on how best to respond to this situation yet. When

something similar happened to me last summer I was so shocked that I just let it

go, but I know she knew I heard them. Nadas are bullies of the worst kind.

Just know that you are on the right track with keeping on growing for yourself

and wearing your armour. Thank God we can pick our friends, even though we can't

pick our family.

>

> My nada just said something that upsets me a lot. It keeps cutting in deeper

and deeper, and I'd love some kind of response back that's empathic, yes? I'm

feeling instantly sick by it - her delight. There's a friend of hers over, and

she just said very conspiratorially about me " She finally has a friend. One

friend! The tide is turning, things are looking up! She's filling in that

'pot'. "

>

> And the friend laughed, totally comfortable, obviously having been a part of

all this before.

>

> So... that's it then. I'm wearing all this 'armor' making sure I don't express

myself naturally around her, that I don't say how I really feel, that I don't

mis-use my body motions too quickly or do anything at all to upset her, and of

course keeping 120% of my life private. Like everything is ammunition for her,

and some treasured piece that she uses to tell everybody, wrestle over and

completely maul. And here is this contorted version of me about my friendships,

and it HURTS. It really really hurts. I do have my own friends that I spend time

with, and the time I spend with them - eh, I'll kick their asses if they talk

about anything nada-related. That's how starved I am for nada-free time, and

here she's extended herself into that as well...

>

> My accomplishments seem null when she speaks. I moved here recently, which

represents a new city for me, and I didn't pick up right away - so I'm glad for

the friends I have, but the situation isn't what she says - and it isn't

laughable, hell no! It hurts way way way way more than I imagined. I feel like I

can hear it all the back my entire life - which is to say someone as ridiculed

as that, probably doesn't go out and seek her 'new friends' and thus summarily

loses them...

>

> Like I feel tempted to lose everything I've struggled to gain...

>

> S.

>

[Guest guest]

I love this line and it applies to all the meanies who are mean: " Your nada

is so tied up in her own phobias and fears that you are just on the

fringe " . Yeah they are out to get us and they do hurt but they are so

wrapped up in their own phobias and fears that we're just on the fringe.

They don't care why should we???

> **

>

>

> S -

> I agree with both Svet and Eliza. Your nada is so tied up in her own

> phobias and fears that you are just on the fringe. What she said was

> hurtful, mean and bullying - but was about her fears, and had nothing to do

> with you or what is true about you. I have been in your shoes before and it

> does cut to the quick, even when we know it is not true, and that it is

> nada talking - it is still your mom, and for some reason we still expect

> them to be kind and supportive and loving. Whoever the friend of her's that

> she said this too and who laughed with her is obviously trying to stay on

> nada's good side, or is emeshed with her.

> I don't have the answer on how best to respond to this situation yet. When

> something similar happened to me last summer I was so shocked that I just

> let it go, but I know she knew I heard them. Nadas are bullies of the worst

> kind.

> Just know that you are on the right track with keeping on growing for

> yourself and wearing your armour. Thank God we can pick our friends, even

> though we can't pick our family.

>

>

>

> >

> > My nada just said something that upsets me a lot. It keeps cutting in

> deeper and deeper, and I'd love some kind of response back that's empathic,

> yes? I'm feeling instantly sick by it - her delight. There's a friend of

> hers over, and she just said very conspiratorially about me " She finally

> has a friend. One friend! The tide is turning, things are looking up! She's

> filling in that 'pot'. "

> >

> > And the friend laughed, totally comfortable, obviously having been a

> part of all this before.

> >

> > So... that's it then. I'm wearing all this 'armor' making sure I don't

> express myself naturally around her, that I don't say how I really feel,

> that I don't mis-use my body motions too quickly or do anything at all to

> upset her, and of course keeping 120% of my life private. Like everything

> is ammunition for her, and some treasured piece that she uses to tell

> everybody, wrestle over and completely maul. And here is this contorted

> version of me about my friendships, and it HURTS. It really really hurts. I

> do have my own friends that I spend time with, and the time I spend with

> them - eh, I'll kick their asses if they talk about anything nada-related.

> That's how starved I am for nada-free time, and here she's extended herself

> into that as well...

> >

> > My accomplishments seem null when she speaks. I moved here recently,

> which represents a new city for me, and I didn't pick up right away - so

> I'm glad for the friends I have, but the situation isn't what she says -

> and it isn't laughable, hell no! It hurts way way way way more than I

> imagined. I feel like I can hear it all the back my entire life - which is

> to say someone as ridiculed as that, probably doesn't go out and seek her

> 'new friends' and thus summarily loses them...

> >

> > Like I feel tempted to lose everything I've struggled to gain...

> >

> > S.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

" I'm wearing all this 'armor' making sure I don't express myself naturally

around her, that I don't say how I really feel... "

, that part of your post perfectly describes my life with my

mother...completely, from day one. I never, ever am authentic with her because

it will come back later to bite me, to haunt me, I will regret it every time.

As I write this, my daughter is watching " Tangled " ....I am astonished at how

much the mother in the movie sounds like your nada (and mine)...she sings

" mother knows best, listen to your mumzy...on your own you won't

survive...sloppy, under-dressed, immature, clumsy, please!, they'll eat you up

alive! "

It's sad how mocking us makes them feel better about themselves.

I hope you can put lots of emotional/physical distance between you and nada; as

the saying goes, " with friends like that.... "

>

> My nada just said something that upsets me a lot. It keeps cutting in deeper

and deeper, and I'd love some kind of response back that's empathic, yes? I'm

feeling instantly sick by it - her delight. There's a friend of hers over, and

she just said very conspiratorially about me " She finally has a friend. One

friend! The tide is turning, things are looking up! She's filling in that

'pot'. "

>

> And the friend laughed, totally comfortable, obviously having been a part of

all this before.

>

> So... that's it then. I'm wearing all this 'armor' making sure I don't express

myself naturally around her, that I don't say how I really feel, that I don't

mis-use my body motions too quickly or do anything at all to upset her, and of

course keeping 120% of my life private. Like everything is ammunition for her,

and some treasured piece that she uses to tell everybody, wrestle over and

completely maul. And here is this contorted version of me about my friendships,

and it HURTS. It really really hurts. I do have my own friends that I spend time

with, and the time I spend with them - eh, I'll kick their asses if they talk

about anything nada-related. That's how starved I am for nada-free time, and

here she's extended herself into that as well...

>

> My accomplishments seem null when she speaks. I moved here recently, which

represents a new city for me, and I didn't pick up right away - so I'm glad for

the friends I have, but the situation isn't what she says - and it isn't

laughable, hell no! It hurts way way way way more than I imagined. I feel like I

can hear it all the back my entire life - which is to say someone as ridiculed

as that, probably doesn't go out and seek her 'new friends' and thus summarily

loses them...

>

> Like I feel tempted to lose everything I've struggled to gain...

>

> S.

>

[Guest guest]

Fiona,

I love that movie. I find many of the Disney type fairy tale movies remind me of

my nada and/or my MIL nada. Their need to be needed andto be the center of all,

and to control things because they feel so out of control can poison everything.

I always have to put up my guard and present a positive package of my life to

nadas or it will come back to hurt me. Heck, even with my guard up I take the

hits. It is so weird, sad and honestly must be very lonely for them. I thank God

each day I have deep relationships in my life. Just not with nadas.

> >

> > My nada just said something that upsets me a lot. It keeps cutting in deeper

and deeper, and I'd love some kind of response back that's empathic, yes? I'm

feeling instantly sick by it - her delight. There's a friend of hers over, and

she just said very conspiratorially about me " She finally has a friend. One

friend! The tide is turning, things are looking up! She's filling in that

'pot'. "

> >

> > And the friend laughed, totally comfortable, obviously having been a part of

all this before.

> >

> > So... that's it then. I'm wearing all this 'armor' making sure I don't

express myself naturally around her, that I don't say how I really feel, that I

don't mis-use my body motions too quickly or do anything at all to upset her,

and of course keeping 120% of my life private. Like everything is ammunition for

her, and some treasured piece that she uses to tell everybody, wrestle over and

completely maul. And here is this contorted version of me about my friendships,

and it HURTS. It really really hurts. I do have my own friends that I spend time

with, and the time I spend with them - eh, I'll kick their asses if they talk

about anything nada-related. That's how starved I am for nada-free time, and

here she's extended herself into that as well...

> >

> > My accomplishments seem null when she speaks. I moved here recently, which

represents a new city for me, and I didn't pick up right away - so I'm glad for

the friends I have, but the situation isn't what she says - and it isn't

laughable, hell no! It hurts way way way way more than I imagined. I feel like I

can hear it all the back my entire life - which is to say someone as ridiculed

as that, probably doesn't go out and seek her 'new friends' and thus summarily

loses them...

> >

> > Like I feel tempted to lose everything I've struggled to gain...

> >

> > S.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Sorry you have to put up with this. Aren't they horrible!

It's a putdown, designed to keep you in your box and make her feel better in

front of her friend. Why they need to do this, I don't know. It just shows how

emotionally immature she is. Even though it's spectacularly untrue, that is

irrelevant to her. She thinks she can say WHATEVER she likes about you, after

all, she is your mother, she owns you. Very narcissistic and disrespectful.

Time to develop some emotional detachment methinks. Just ignore! (Good luck

with that, it can be done.) Ask yourself why you care so much what she thinks

and work on changing that.

Nothing I ever did or will do in the future will be good enough for my mother,

so I've given up trying or caring. She is not someone whose opinion I respect.

>

> My nada just said something that upsets me a lot. It keeps cutting in deeper

and deeper, and I'd love some kind of response back that's empathic, yes? I'm

feeling instantly sick by it - her delight. There's a friend of hers over, and

she just said very conspiratorially about me " She finally has a friend. One

friend! The tide is turning, things are looking up! She's filling in that

'pot'. "

>

> And the friend laughed, totally comfortable, obviously having been a part of

all this before.

>

> So... that's it then. I'm wearing all this 'armor' making sure I don't express

myself naturally around her, that I don't say how I really feel, that I don't

mis-use my body motions too quickly or do anything at all to upset her, and of

course keeping 120% of my life private. Like everything is ammunition for her,

and some treasured piece that she uses to tell everybody, wrestle over and

completely maul. And here is this contorted version of me about my friendships,

and it HURTS. It really really hurts. I do have my own friends that I spend time

with, and the time I spend with them - eh, I'll kick their asses if they talk

about anything nada-related. That's how starved I am for nada-free time, and

here she's extended herself into that as well...

>

> My accomplishments seem null when she speaks. I moved here recently, which

represents a new city for me, and I didn't pick up right away - so I'm glad for

the friends I have, but the situation isn't what she says - and it isn't

laughable, hell no! It hurts way way way way more than I imagined. I feel like I

can hear it all the back my entire life - which is to say someone as ridiculed

as that, probably doesn't go out and seek her 'new friends' and thus summarily

loses them...

>

> Like I feel tempted to lose everything I've struggled to gain...

>

> S.

>

[Guest guest]

that movie was one of many triggers that got me to wake up to reality. it is so

real in so many ways. I have girls and they watch it all the time.

Meikjn

> > >

> > > My nada just said something that upsets me a lot. It keeps cutting in

deeper and deeper, and I'd love some kind of response back that's empathic, yes?

I'm feeling instantly sick by it - her delight. There's a friend of hers over,

and she just said very conspiratorially about me " She finally has a friend. One

friend! The tide is turning, things are looking up! She's filling in that

'pot'. "

> > >

> > > And the friend laughed, totally comfortable, obviously having been a part

of all this before.

> > >

> > > So... that's it then. I'm wearing all this 'armor' making sure I don't

express myself naturally around her, that I don't say how I really feel, that I

don't mis-use my body motions too quickly or do anything at all to upset her,

and of course keeping 120% of my life private. Like everything is ammunition for

her, and some treasured piece that she uses to tell everybody, wrestle over and

completely maul. And here is this contorted version of me about my friendships,

and it HURTS. It really really hurts. I do have my own friends that I spend time

with, and the time I spend with them - eh, I'll kick their asses if they talk

about anything nada-related. That's how starved I am for nada-free time, and

here she's extended herself into that as well...

> > >

> > > My accomplishments seem null when she speaks. I moved here recently, which

represents a new city for me, and I didn't pick up right away - so I'm glad for

the friends I have, but the situation isn't what she says - and it isn't

laughable, hell no! It hurts way way way way more than I imagined. I feel like I

can hear it all the back my entire life - which is to say someone as ridiculed

as that, probably doesn't go out and seek her 'new friends' and thus summarily

loses them...

> > >

> > > Like I feel tempted to lose everything I've struggled to gain...

> > >

> > > S.

> > >

> >

>