I told my nada I think she may have BPD

[Guest guest]

I am pretty new here and I am curious as to how your nada responded when you

told her you thought she had BPD (for those of you that took this step). Did she

deny it or did she see how it may be the case? If she denied it, what has your

relationship been like since then?

The reason I ask is because I shared my BPD suspicions with my nada about a

month ago and then told her I wanted a year long stretch of no contact in order

to find my own true self away from her. Now I am a bit wondering what to expect

from her if and when I decide to resume things.

Thanks for your help,

Darcy

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I had done my research on BPD and didn't think it was a good idea to confront

nada in person. We live near a medical school-associated BPD clinic with a

nationally recognized expert. My brother and I, having gone absolutely NUTS

with nada's behavior over the past few months, decided to make an appointment

for ourselves in order to receive some guidance as to what to do.

Unfortunately, it costs $256.00 for a one hour appointment.

I had just gotten married and had NO money, and he had just gotten married and

had NO money, so we had to wait. In the meantime, somebody in the family

apparently let it out, and the message came back to me through my grandmother

that nada knew *nothing* was wrong with *her* and *she* wasn't going to any

therapy.

That pretty much summed it all up as hopeless for me. I have been no contact

since. I hope you have better luck. What did your nada say when you told her?

--.

[Guest guest]

In general , the responses fall into 2 areas, depending on what Nada

needs at the moment.

1. There is nothing wrong with me, You are the ( crazy, mean,

heartless, ungrateful ) one.

2. See, there IS something wrong with me, so you have to overlook my

erratic or cruel behaviors, because, as YOU said, I m BPD.

3. And sometimes, I was happy till YOU told me I have BPD.

Either way, by and large, Nada is not going to respond to therapy, or go

to therapy, or change her behaviors, because of anything you say. Nor,

more often than not, because of anything a T says. It will somehow be

YOUR fault , for telling her, for accusing her, for lying on her, for

her unhappiness, or for not overlooking all her Nada traits when you

KNOW she is a BPD.

The urge to " tell " her what s wrong is steeped in our desire to have

her change, to have her be happy, for real, to have her not be miserable

to us and in her own life, to have her magically say Ah Ha! and from

that epiphany, grow into the normal Mom we always wanted, needed, and

Yes, deserved.

Sadly, it is unlikely.

Doug

>

> I am pretty new here and I am curious as to how your nada responded

when you told her you thought she had BPD (for those of you that took

this step). Did she deny it or did she see how it may be the case? If

she denied it, what has your relationship been like since then?

>

> The reason I ask is because I shared my BPD suspicions with my nada

about a month ago and then told her I wanted a year long stretch of no

contact in order to find my own true self away from her. Now I am a bit

wondering what to expect from her if and when I decide to resume things.

>

> Thanks for your help,

>

> Darcy

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for your response to this. I found your answer really, really helpful,

especially your last paragraph. I told my nada I thought she had BPD because I

felt if she knew the cause of what had caused her heartache all these years,

maybe it would help her straighten out her life. Now I understand it probably

won't make a difference.

I didn't have much to lose by telling her. I am the no-good child and my

siblings side with my nada- being the good little foot soldiers that she groomed

them to be. It has been a tough go for awhile with all of them so nothing will

change by what I said. Maybe they will just hate me more. Oh well.

Darcy

> >

> > I am pretty new here and I am curious as to how your nada responded

> when you told her you thought she had BPD (for those of you that took

> this step). Did she deny it or did she see how it may be the case? If

> she denied it, what has your relationship been like since then?

> >

> > The reason I ask is because I shared my BPD suspicions with my nada

> about a month ago and then told her I wanted a year long stretch of no

> contact in order to find my own true self away from her. Now I am a bit

> wondering what to expect from her if and when I decide to resume things.

> >

> > Thanks for your help,

> >

> > Darcy

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Darcy,

After my Nada received the BPD diagnosis, she has used it like a

get-out-of- jail -free card., for every imaginable violation of boundaries,

and human rights. When caught in egregious lies, and dangerous, cruel,

manipulative behaviors, she whips out her diagnosis, and waves it around as

though she expects to get it validated for free merchandise or prizes.

BPDs do not simply suffer from a lack of information, they suffer from a

lack of empathy, and compassion, and conscience. They have an emotional

deficit, in varying degrees of profoundness.

Doug layed it out really well. Its so frustrating, we want them to want

to change, to express genuine remorse, and caring, but, .....it just isn't

there within them. I don't believe they have the capacity to do so. That in

no way excuses their behavior, it should, however, discourage us from

expecting them to behave in ways they cannot.

Easier said, than done, tho.

Sunspot

> **

>

>

> Thanks for your response to this. I found your answer really, really

> helpful, especially your last paragraph. I told my nada I thought she had

> BPD because I felt if she knew the cause of what had caused her heartache

> all these years, maybe it would help her straighten out her life. Now I

> understand it probably won't make a difference.

>

> I didn't have much to lose by telling her. I am the no-good child and my

> siblings side with my nada- being the good little foot soldiers that she

> groomed them to be. It has been a tough go for awhile with all of them so

> nothing will change by what I said. Maybe they will just hate me more. Oh

> well.

>

> Darcy

>

>

>

> > >

> > > I am pretty new here and I am curious as to how your nada responded

> > when you told her you thought she had BPD (for those of you that took

> > this step). Did she deny it or did she see how it may be the case? If

> > she denied it, what has your relationship been like since then?

> > >

> > > The reason I ask is because I shared my BPD suspicions with my nada

> > about a month ago and then told her I wanted a year long stretch of no

> > contact in order to find my own true self away from her. Now I am a bit

> > wondering what to expect from her if and when I decide to resume things.

> > >

> > > Thanks for your help,

> > >

> > > Darcy

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Darcy, I have found it easier without a family like this. Through career

struggles and now a husband with brain cancer, I just don't need the constant

complaining and triangulation associated with the kind of situation you describe

and which, I, too, came out of. Life hasn't gotten easier without them because

of all the other trials that came up, but at least I don't have people who act

like this to deal with, too.

So sorry you are dealing with this.

--.

[Guest guest]

Oh, Sunspot, so true!

My nada doesn't acknowledge the BPD diagnosis. My sis and I somehow found out

about 25 years ago, when she was hospitalized. " Cluster B " . Somewhere along

the way, she also got a bipolar disorder. She labels all her abusive behavior

as " bipolar moments. " That she can apparently turn off and on like a light

switch, unlike true bipolar disorder. Of course, meds have been ineffective for

the most part, because it's BPD.

> > > >

> > > > I am pretty new here and I am curious as to how your nada responded

> > > when you told her you thought she had BPD (for those of you that took

> > > this step). Did she deny it or did she see how it may be the case? If

> > > she denied it, what has your relationship been like since then?

> > > >

> > > > The reason I ask is because I shared my BPD suspicions with my nada

> > > about a month ago and then told her I wanted a year long stretch of no

> > > contact in order to find my own true self away from her. Now I am a bit

> > > wondering what to expect from her if and when I decide to resume things.

> > > >

> > > > Thanks for your help,

> > > >

> > > > Darcy

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>