Im turning into Nada

[Guest guest]

Friday night I took my 8 year old to a string concert at the school. His

behavior was not very good at the concert and I had to continiously shush him

and he was climbing over the back of the chair. He was saying how he wants to

play like they do (he's just starting violin) and my first remark was " behaving

like that you'll never get there " . I was so ashamed of myself and tried to

backpedal telling him if he practices he'll be able to do it. But I don't want

to turn into Nada.

[Guest guest]

for one simple reason you are not. you think you were in the wrong. my Nada

blames everyone else when she is a jerk. she even twists it and does this self

righteous thing in which she is making the world better with her behavior.

I channel my nada all the time I hate it. " you are not sick you just like the

taste of medicine " even telling your kids they are horrible, and brats and all

that garbage.

it is really hard to fight bad lessons. practice makes permanent. I think we all

work at it, and those of us unfortunate enough to have bad examples have to work

harder.

I think as long as we fight it we can reverse it. and when we mess up

apologizing will separate us from nada behavior. my nada will never acknowledge

fault and will never apologize. so I can do better than that.

>

> Friday night I took my 8 year old to a string concert at the school. His

behavior was not very good at the concert and I had to continiously shush him

and he was climbing over the back of the chair. He was saying how he wants to

play like they do (he's just starting violin) and my first remark was " behaving

like that you'll never get there " . I was so ashamed of myself and tried to

backpedal telling him if he practices he'll be able to do it. But I don't want

to turn into Nada.

>

[Guest guest]

The child was acting out and needed correction. You have a choice in that

situation of using bribes or shame. Since his behavior was so out of control, it

sounds like you were past the point of bribes working.

So you reacted in the only tried and true method you felt open to use, short of

hauling his butt out of the room.

You can always sit him down after the fact and bring up what happened. Tell him

how you reacted and why. Own it. Apologize if you feel it necessary, but tell

him how you plan to deal with it differently in the future.

This way, you are resolving what must have been embarrassing for both of you.

You are clearing the air, modeling accountability and setting the stage for how

he is to not behave in the future. This shows him you are fair, respectful of

him and that he can rely on you.

Just remember, you can always go back. Especially with children!

>

> Friday night I took my 8 year old to a string concert at the school. His

behavior was not very good at the concert and I had to continiously shush him

and he was climbing over the back of the chair. He was saying how he wants to

play like they do (he's just starting violin) and my first remark was " behaving

like that you'll never get there " . I was so ashamed of myself and tried to

backpedal telling him if he practices he'll be able to do it. But I don't want

to turn into Nada.

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you--very well said! We should all have this exact passage hanging on our

walls!

>

>

> ....and when we mess up apologizing will separate us from nada behavior. my

nada will never acknowledge fault and will never apologize. so I can do better

than that.

>

[Guest guest]

You're not turning into your nada. A nada would have said

something like that, or more likely, something far worse, and

never given it a second thought. Nadas don't regret the nasty

belittling things they say because they think they were right to

say them. You may not have handled his bad behavior in the best

possible way, but what you did was far from the worst possible

way of handling it.Don't expect perfection from yourself. Real

parents make mistakes. Real parents get frustrated. Real parents

sometimes fail to know what to do when their child misbehaves.

The difference between real parents and nadas is that real

parents feel bad and can apologize appropriately when they make

a mistake or say something that hurts their child unnecessarily.

Find a calm time when you can be alone with your child and talk

to him about what happened including both his misbehavior and

your reaction to it.

At 11:47 AM 12/12/2011 scbatty wrote:

>Friday night I took my 8 year old to a string concert at the

>school. His behavior was not very good at the concert and I

>had to continiously shush him and he was climbing over the back

>of the chair. He was saying how he wants to play like they do

>(he's just starting violin) and my first remark was " behaving

>like that you'll never get there " . I was so ashamed of myself

>and tried to backpedal telling him if he practices he'll be

>able to do it. But I don't want to turn into Nada.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Man, I know how you feel. I get that feeling sometimes, too.

But just the fact that we're not wanting to be like her is good, right? I mean,

if we didn't want to gain insight into our behavior that would be worse.

I find I get down on myself mostly when my kids are driving me crazy and I'm

HALT (hungry, angry, lonely or tired). I try to be honest with them and say,

" asking me if you can go to a movie Sat night as soon as I walk in the door from

work isn't the best time right now. let's talk about it later. " But lots of

times, I'm not as diplomatic.

Like I say, I know how you feel.

>

> Friday night I took my 8 year old to a string concert at the school. His

behavior was not very good at the concert and I had to continiously shush him

and he was climbing over the back of the chair. He was saying how he wants to

play like they do (he's just starting violin) and my first remark was " behaving

like that you'll never get there " . I was so ashamed of myself and tried to

backpedal telling him if he practices he'll be able to do it. But I don't want

to turn into Nada.

>

[Guest guest]

A lot of us fear " turning into our monsters " . With good reason, we

carry fleas, and learned reactions that can scare us at times. My sons

will find themselves telling the exact same corny joke I would tell, and

groan, Oh God , I m DAD!

There is a natural part of children becoming, or emulating, our parents.

But even that, at worst, is a bad habit you can break. Being a BP is

far more, and deeper, than simply a habit.

Besides, a Nada would have said, " If you loved your mother, you wouldnt

act like that. You might be able to play like them someday, of course

you got your talent from your mother. You ll never be as good as they

are of course, but if you want to neglect your mother to go to violin

practice, I understand. After all , I m a giver. I only live for my

children. They dont have to appreciate me. I understand, and I m used

to it. At this point, insert a long suffering sigh, or perhaps wiping

a woeful tear awa'. "

Of course, I m a reactionary old barbarian and ex sailor, but I would

have said, Sit down and be quiet till this is over. Then the next

time, I would excuse myself, take him out, swat his behind , and say,

Was there some part of what I told you that you still don t get? Now,

when we go back in there, SIT DOWN AND BE QUIET. "

Doug

>

> Friday night I took my 8 year old to a string concert at the school.

His behavior was not very good at the concert and I had to continiously

shush him and he was climbing over the back of the chair. He was saying

how he wants to play like they do (he's just starting violin) and my

first remark was " behaving like that you'll never get there " . I was so

ashamed of myself and tried to backpedal telling him if he practices

he'll be able to do it. But I don't want to turn into Nada.

>