Re: How to deal with people who trigger BPD reactions? Try Medium Chill

June 25, 2011

Hi

There is a technique called " Medium Chill " that may help you protect yourself

when you find you must engage in person or by phone with a difficult, triggering

person like a bpd-ish boss.

Here's the article, its fairly short. (Note: although the author makes a couple

of references to his/her previous posts, the point he or she is making is clear

anyway.)

The " Medium Chill " technique:

" When they lash out - show no anger.

When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate your

reaction, they tend to leave you alone.

Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. " Medium

Chill " gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving

them the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.

" Medium Chill " is effective because they no longer feel " safe " in their ability

to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of practice, as

you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had some great

success using this.

When I first came to these boards, I read about boundaries and Limited Contact.

They all made sense, and I felt as if I had been doing them already for a very

long time. The same friend who introduced me to these boards also introduced me

to the concept of " Medium Chill " , though I must admit it took a little while and

practice for to " get it " that " Medium Chill " is something more that taps into

the psyche and becomes the " Medium Chill " Zen Master.

It's about more than just boundaries.

To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:

(1) never share personal or private information on yourself;

(2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

Attitude: Pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or

compassionate involvement; paying attention but not *too* much attention-- while

NEVER violating items one or two.

Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your hot

buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many BPDs

are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

Does your BPD pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her? Then by

being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they have a

greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.

Are you unwittingly giving them the road-map to figure out what you're sensitive

about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset when THEY are

upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a healthy adult?

Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well, if

things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you

think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of

eventual fire without realizing it?

If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer the

emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil by

getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If they're upset

and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I swear, as it

worked for the other poster, it worked for me too--my BPD mother rather quickly

would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there. I was no

longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain by making

me feel pain too.

Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting with

her again in non-public places; this played very well into " Medium Chill " .

There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that

they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member; it

might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If they come

to view you as a confidante/soul-mate, who do you think they're going to turn to

when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone else?

It's all about disengaging from playing into the messed-up BPD dynamic. We often

talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the phone,

or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical actions of

restraint.

" Medium Chill " techniques, however, are boundaries for your soul.

Hope this helps. "

*****

The version I posted is at bpdfamily.com., author " Stargazer " .

-Annie

>

> So, in some ways I'm really new to this, in that very recently my mother let

slip that she's had a BPD diagnosis (though the timing doesn't seem right, she

says it was 45 years ago and I don't think anyone was using these terms then, so

it must have been more recently- but of course the facts are skewed to fit her

purposes).

>

> I had several years of therapy, and have engaged in mindfulness and mediation

practices and developed generally physically and I hope, emotionally, healthy

living. I kept my daughter totally away from my family for about 11 years, from

the time she was almost 5 when I saw her being confused with the emotional

assaults on me, until she was 16 and asked to see her grandmother and her uncle.

I gave her permission to go, but did not go with her. It was about 5 years later

that I reconnected on a very limited basis, mostly because it came to light that

my brother and sister-in-law and daughter were living with my mother- and I

wanted to meet the woman who could live with my mother!! And I was fearful for

my niece, who was then the same age my daughter had been when I went NC. My

mother was essentially raising Niece, arg!!! another little girl totally abused.

>

> Anyway, my current dilemma is that I've just begun to learn about BPD.

Initially, I was so angry that I almost couldn't see straight. Now I'm shocked

to realize that many of the things that my boss does that make me uncomfortable

have a decidedly BPD flavor, especially the more narcissistic stuff. I know it's

all a continuum, and at one end it is healthy, but I'm having trouble sorting it

out.

>

> I got the book " Surviving a Borderline Parent " from the library - WOW! there's

my mother all over the place, and my reactions and wounds. ouch.

>

> Any ideas about the sorting it out? What has worked for other people?

> I don't think my boss is dangerous or that I need to quit, and I know I'm

likely to encounter this somewhere else until I resolve my part, so I'd just as

soon be busy accomplishing that! Ideas, experiences, please?

> Thanks!

>

June 26, 2011

I love this!!!!

This is how I have been handling my borderline...inadvertantly and it really

does work!

> >

> > So, in some ways I'm really new to this, in that very recently my mother let

slip that she's had a BPD diagnosis (though the timing doesn't seem right, she

says it was 45 years ago and I don't think anyone was using these terms then, so

it must have been more recently- but of course the facts are skewed to fit her

purposes).

> >

> > I had several years of therapy, and have engaged in mindfulness and

mediation practices and developed generally physically and I hope, emotionally,

healthy living. I kept my daughter totally away from my family for about 11

years, from the time she was almost 5 when I saw her being confused with the

emotional assaults on me, until she was 16 and asked to see her grandmother and

her uncle. I gave her permission to go, but did not go with her. It was about 5

years later that I reconnected on a very limited basis, mostly because it came

to light that my brother and sister-in-law and daughter were living with my

mother- and I wanted to meet the woman who could live with my mother!! And I was

fearful for my niece, who was then the same age my daughter had been when I went

NC. My mother was essentially raising Niece, arg!!! another little girl totally

abused.

> >

> > Anyway, my current dilemma is that I've just begun to learn about BPD.

Initially, I was so angry that I almost couldn't see straight. Now I'm shocked

to realize that many of the things that my boss does that make me uncomfortable

have a decidedly BPD flavor, especially the more narcissistic stuff. I know it's

all a continuum, and at one end it is healthy, but I'm having trouble sorting it

out.

> >

> > I got the book " Surviving a Borderline Parent " from the library - WOW!

there's my mother all over the place, and my reactions and wounds. ouch.

> >

> > Any ideas about the sorting it out? What has worked for other people?

> > I don't think my boss is dangerous or that I need to quit, and I know I'm

likely to encounter this somewhere else until I resolve my part, so I'd just as

soon be busy accomplishing that! Ideas, experiences, please?

> > Thanks!

> >

>

June 26, 2011

i do too,

I feel like I have waited years to read something like that, so thankful to the

person that actually wrote that down, what most normies take for granted. all my

life I have been called a 'good listener', it never occurred to me that my rapt

attention to others was part of the problem (my mother and father both demanded

it)

> > >

> > > So, in some ways I'm really new to this, in that very recently my mother

let slip that she's had a BPD diagnosis (though the timing doesn't seem right,

she says it was 45 years ago and I don't think anyone was using these terms

then, so it must have been more recently- but of course the facts are skewed to

fit her purposes).

> > >

> > > I had several years of therapy, and have engaged in mindfulness and