Re: How to deal with people who trigger BPD reactions?

[Guest guest]

Just keep reading, processing, writing here and therapy if you can afford it.

I've known my mom is sick for years, but didn't figure out it was BPD until last

year. It's a shock, but all of a sudden it makes sense and is so validating

(finally).

Unfortunately, often we 'go to what we know'--meaning we look for friends,

bosses, spouses, etc. that feel familiar. If we come from abusive, dysfunctional

homes this may mean we choose people based on those familiar characteristics.

As you understand and process your triggers, you become more aware of them in

your environment outside of family. The idea is that awareness is a huge

advantage in seeing those triggers when they arise and learning to not let them

hijack you. It's an ongoing process.

My life has revolved around several people with Cluster B PD's--bosses,

coworkers, family. For me, these overly emotional people at first glance seem

easy to get along with and familiar. I am just now developing better instincts

to avoid adding more of these toxic people to my life.

>

> So, in some ways I'm really new to this, in that very recently my mother let

slip that she's had a BPD diagnosis (though the timing doesn't seem right, she

says it was 45 years ago and I don't think anyone was using these terms then, so

it must have been more recently- but of course the facts are skewed to fit her

purposes).

>

> I had several years of therapy, and have engaged in mindfulness and mediation

practices and developed generally physically and I hope, emotionally, healthy

living. I kept my daughter totally away from my family for about 11 years, from

the time she was almost 5 when I saw her being confused with the emotional

assaults on me, until she was 16 and asked to see her grandmother and her uncle.

I gave her permission to go, but did not go with her. It was about 5 years later

that I reconnected on a very limited basis, mostly because it came to light that

my brother and sister-in-law and daughter were living with my mother- and I

wanted to meet the woman who could live with my mother!! And I was fearful for

my niece, who was then the same age my daughter had been when I went NC. My

mother was essentially raising Niece, arg!!! another little girl totally abused.

>

> Anyway, my current dilemma is that I've just begun to learn about BPD.

Initially, I was so angry that I almost couldn't see straight. Now I'm shocked

to realize that many of the things that my boss does that make me uncomfortable

have a decidedly BPD flavor, especially the more narcissistic stuff. I know it's

all a continuum, and at one end it is healthy, but I'm having trouble sorting it

out.

>

> I got the book " Surviving a Borderline Parent " from the library - WOW! there's

my mother all over the place, and my reactions and wounds. ouch.

>

> Any ideas about the sorting it out? What has worked for other people?

> I don't think my boss is dangerous or that I need to quit, and I know I'm

likely to encounter this somewhere else until I resolve my part, so I'd just as

soon be busy accomplishing that! Ideas, experiences, please?

> Thanks!

>