my question for you children of borderlines

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I am . I have a 22 year old Bpd in my life. She was my son's first

girlfriend and i met her when she was 15. I tried to save her from her mother

who is also bpd...i failed. Now....7 years later she has her own daughter (4

years old). My bpd Carina, is spinning out of control. They have been homeless

for about 7 months and last week I finally took them is as the child was

convulsing one night from a high fever and the people Carina was staying with

called me. The 4 year old exihibits a variety of frighteneing behaviors and I

have finally gone to cps....not sure what will happen...

My question to you children of borderlines is this:

If you could have been pulled from your bpd's home and placed in a loving foster

home or relative when you were 4....would you have wanted that??????

I am at a loss or what to do because as you know....living with a borderline is

a living hell and I can't do it much longer...really only 1 week.....if they do

a mental evaluation on Carina and take samadhi (the 4 year old) they will

probably place her in foster care and that makes my heart bleed. But i know this

is much worse...or so i think.

HELP!

[Guest guest]

Hi , welcome to the Group.

What a kind and generous heart you have, and a courageous one. It takes a lot

of personal inner strength to step in and try to help this little child as you

are doing.

I think that by the time I was four, I was already deeply trauma-bonded to my

borderline pd/narcissistic pd mother. She was both emotionally and physically

abusive to both me and my younger Sister, but she was high-functioning and able

to do it covertly. She was always a kind of Jekyll and Hyde type of character

for me. The young mother that you are trying to help sounds more

low-functioning: she has more difficulty controlling her dysfunctional behaviors

and its more obvious / it shows in public.

To answer your question, as a 4-year-old it would have upset me for a long time

to have been taken away from my mother and dad even though mother was abusive to

me, but, now, as an adult I think it would have been much, much better for me in

the long run to have been raised by a different, mentally healthy, compassionate

care-giver (such as one of my relatives. My mother is the only person in my foo

and extended foo with personality disorder.) I believe that the worst emotional

damage was done to me before I was 8 years old.

The hardest call is: what will be in the child's best interest? If the mother

is willing to go into intensive therapy and stay in therapy, agrees to be

monitored by social workers at intervals, like, they drop in unannounced to

check up on her to see how things are going, if the mother agrees to take

parenting classes, etc., AND gets the child into therapy, and if there is a

second, mentally stable adult on the premises, then, in my opinion it would be

better to not remove the child.

But if the mother is extremely dysfunctional, has no interest in getting help

for herself or for her child, if she is very unreliable, impulsive, unstable or

is an addict, then the child is in actual physical danger and needs to be

removed for her own safety. Your description of the child suffering seizures

because of an untreated fever makes me think that in this case, the child *is*

in danger of life-threatening neglect or abuse and does need to be removed.

It truly is just a horrible tragedy, this form of mental illness, because it

does such damage to the loved ones and children of the person with pd.

Please keep us posted, if you feel up to it. Again, you are a remarkable human

being to be concerned about this child enough to actually try and get her the

help she needs. I hope the little one will be able to recover from the damage

she's suffered so far, and your concern is giving her that chance.

-Annie

>

> Hi,

>

> I am . I have a 22 year old Bpd in my life. She was my son's first

girlfriend and i met her when she was 15. I tried to save her from her mother

who is also bpd...i failed. Now....7 years later she has her own daughter (4

years old). My bpd Carina, is spinning out of control. They have been homeless

for about 7 months and last week I finally took them is as the child was

convulsing one night from a high fever and the people Carina was staying with

called me. The 4 year old exihibits a variety of frighteneing behaviors and I

have finally gone to cps....not sure what will happen...

> My question to you children of borderlines is this:

> If you could have been pulled from your bpd's home and placed in a loving

foster home or relative when you were 4....would you have wanted that??????

> I am at a loss or what to do because as you know....living with a borderline

is a living hell and I can't do it much longer...really only 1 week.....if they

do a mental evaluation on Carina and take samadhi (the 4 year old) they will

probably place her in foster care and that makes my heart bleed. But i know this

is much worse...or so i think.

> HELP!

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with Annie on one level, but on another - my first thought was, " Yes!

Please go back in time and take me away from my parents! ASAP! Take me away and

don't ever make me see them again! "

> >

> > Hi,

> >

> > I am . I have a 22 year old Bpd in my life. She was my son's first

girlfriend and i met her when she was 15. I tried to save her from her mother

who is also bpd...i failed. Now....7 years later she has her own daughter (4

years old). My bpd Carina, is spinning out of control. They have been homeless

for about 7 months and last week I finally took them is as the child was

convulsing one night from a high fever and the people Carina was staying with

called me. The 4 year old exihibits a variety of frighteneing behaviors and I

have finally gone to cps....not sure what will happen...

> > My question to you children of borderlines is this:

> > If you could have been pulled from your bpd's home and placed in a loving

foster home or relative when you were 4....would you have wanted that??????

> > I am at a loss or what to do because as you know....living with a borderline

is a living hell and I can't do it much longer...really only 1 week.....if they

do a mental evaluation on Carina and take samadhi (the 4 year old) they will

probably place her in foster care and that makes my heart bleed. But i know this

is much worse...or so i think.

> > HELP!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Hi,

>

> I am . I have a 22 year old Bpd in my life. She was my son's first

girlfriend and i met her when she was 15. I tried to save her from her mother

who is also bpd...i failed. Now....7 years later she has her own daughter (4

years old). My bpd Carina, is spinning out of control. They have been homeless

for about 7 months and last week I finally took them is as the child was

convulsing one night from a high fever and the people Carina was staying with

called me. The 4 year old exihibits a variety of frighteneing behaviors and I

have finally gone to cps....not sure what will happen...

> My question to you children of borderlines is this:

> If you could have been pulled from your bpd's home and placed in a loving

foster home or relative when you were 4....would you have wanted that??????

> I am at a loss or what to do because as you know....living with a borderline

is a living hell and I can't do it much longer...really only 1 week.....if they

do a mental evaluation on Carina and take samadhi (the 4 year old) they will

probably place her in foster care and that makes my heart bleed. But i know this

is much worse...or so i think.

> HELP!

>

There is no guarantee that she will be removed from her mother, and if she does,

she might be returned over and over when her mother demonstrates periods of

temporary stability, I have seen this happen to a child that a friend was

helping with through her work.

The evidence of strange behavior on the part of the four year old from your

description seems to indicate the situation is serious.plus the problem that

there is no 'home' to be removed from, the situation is that bad. What happens

in alot of cases is there is periodic intervention followed by attempts by the

mother to 'get it together'

followed thereafter by more lapses into non-functioning. it's clear the family

needs to be in the system so you are absolutely doing the right thing, don't

beat yourself up about it. I was not a case that could have been removed from my

home as I had a normal appearing nuclear family though it certainly would have

been alot better for me to grow up with saner people. It's important not to get

attached to outcomes with this situation because they may or may not remove her

and this may be the first of many reports to cps of you and others and the

mother may have even been reported before. I don't think a four year old's

'wants' really come into play in the situation of being parented by someone who

is deemed unfit by the authorities if that is what happens.

[Guest guest]

Hey ,

I am so heartbroken for you and your awful situation. I hate the thought of

causing you any suffering, but I owe you the truth. As an adult, I think

constantly of how my life would have been different if I had a loving parent

growing up. Having a borderline mother left me with scars that I don't think

will ever heal. One example: I have purposely chosen not to have children

because my childhood experiences have left me convinced that I do not have

adequate parenting skills.

I know it's awful to hear, but I for one think your grandchild would definitely

be better off in a foster home. Or in your home for that matter. Any chance you

can sue for custody?

[Guest guest]

I have to second what Annie says. By the time I was four, I was the " villain "

and my brother (then 2) was the " hero. " There was already so much damage.

However, time just made it worse and worse. I'm 38 and still dealing with the

damage.

If the parents (BOTH of them) will get help - AND get help for the child - then

someone like you needs to keep tabs on it and hopefully it works out for the

child. If not, the child needs to go to someplace safer AND needs counseling

(probably for a long time!) Remember, many with BPD - especially if they're

high-functioning like my nada is/was - can hide the disorder from outsiders like

social workers and family acquaintances.

We'll say a prayer for ALL of you!

> >

> > Hi,

> >

> > I am . I have a 22 year old Bpd in my life. She was my son's first

girlfriend and i met her when she was 15. I tried to save her from her mother

who is also bpd...i failed. Now....7 years later she has her own daughter (4

years old). My bpd Carina, is spinning out of control. They have been homeless

for about 7 months and last week I finally took them is as the child was

convulsing one night from a high fever and the people Carina was staying with

called me. The 4 year old exihibits a variety of frighteneing behaviors and I

have finally gone to cps....not sure what will happen...

> > My question to you children of borderlines is this:

> > If you could have been pulled from your bpd's home and placed in a loving

foster home or relative when you were 4....would you have wanted that??????

> > I am at a loss or what to do because as you know....living with a borderline

is a living hell and I can't do it much longer...really only 1 week.....if they

do a mental evaluation on Carina and take samadhi (the 4 year old) they will

probably place her in foster care and that makes my heart bleed. But i know this

is much worse...or so i think.

> > HELP!

> >

>