considering a NC Christmas

[Guest guest]

I am terrified!!!!

I tried to set boundries this sat. when my mom called. and she fought it hard,

and ended in tears. I kept my cool on the phone, but I fell apart and I am still

recovering. the FOG is really hard on me. then in a family letter theis week she

topped it off with a self righteouss speil about how she and my dad were so

greatfull God " trusted " tehm with all of us and how " we know we made some

mistales, but we are so greatful God's plan includes forgiveness "

from her perspective as far as I know my emmotionally distant behavior is

comming from nowhere. i used to tell her everything blissfully unaware that she

was using against me.

last week I was gone when she called, and I had a wonderful week. I was

introspective and was starting to feel like thes 6 mo. funk I have been in was

finally dissapating a little. I have some unresolved medical issues my NADA

ignored, and I have been picking at it ever since I was married with full

support form my husband, but this last week I took some more steps for all of

that.

but this week I have been fighting for validation, and crying alot and wining

about her adn I decided I can't feel conflicted like this.

I did not make it up!!! she uses me as her projection dumping ground, her

scapegoat, and I have been putty in her hands.

and I am not a horrible person to want to protect myself from her emotionall

manipulation.

but I alos know I question everything.

I need to foucus on me right now, and on how I can grow my self esteem, give up

on the pipe dream of a real relationship with her, and figure out a more

concrete way to set boundries and become strong enough to enforce them. I can't

do that without cutting her off for a while.

so Christmas is out, and the fallout will likley be HUGE.

today i bought a lobster tail, crab legs and some cookies I really like that are

too expensive.

I am feeling better already.

please talk me into it.

[Guest guest]

Hi Meikjn:

First, let me applaud your " little luxury " purchases of fine food so you can

feel better. It's the holidays and whatever it takes for you to get your mind

off the FOO is positive.

Second, in my opinion, when considering an NC Christmas select the least

confrontational choice for a PFH or NPFH (pest-free holiday or nearly pest-free

holiday). For example, if going NC for Christmas will have them stampeding to

your front door at midnight, hauling you out of bed and dragging your inert form

to the Christmas tree, a more stealth-like strategy may be in order. Let me

explain...

Stage 1: It's time to start becoming unreliable. Yep, be late for every event

and invent a reason to leave early. Although I never apply this at work or

outside my FOO, I learned to love cancelling last minute due to emergencies.

That meant I said yes to any invitation immediately, avoided weeks of nattering

and haranguing to get me to go, and then was either a no-show or cancelled after

I was already a couple hours late.

Ask yourself if the FOO are targeting you because you're always the best bet for

unloading their PD nightmares on--hey, you ALWAYS show up. Is this you? If so,

stop it! Perhaps NC is possible for you right now, and if so, seize the day and

make it happen. However, if there is a chance you will lose this battle and

further embolden the FOO's boundary-exploding tactics, I suggest saving hours of

miserable holiday time with the arrive-late/leave early tactic, not to mention

the " disappearing act " in the middle of any event where you just leave the house

with your cell phone and go entertain yourself for an hour down the street.

These are the little steps that inch us slowly toward the dream of permanent NC.

Whatever it takes, do it. I wish you hope, strength and serenity this holiday,

imbued with a sense of humor and empowerment.

AFB

>

> I am terrified!!!!

> I tried to set boundries this sat. when my mom called. and she fought it hard,

and ended in tears. I kept my cool on the phone, but I fell apart and I am still

recovering. the FOG is really hard on me. then in a family letter theis week she

topped it off with a self righteouss speil about how she and my dad were so

greatfull God " trusted " tehm with all of us and how " we know we made some

mistales, but we are so greatful God's plan includes forgiveness "

>

> from her perspective as far as I know my emmotionally distant behavior is

comming from nowhere. i used to tell her everything blissfully unaware that she

was using against me.

>

> last week I was gone when she called, and I had a wonderful week. I was

introspective and was starting to feel like thes 6 mo. funk I have been in was

finally dissapating a little. I have some unresolved medical issues my NADA

ignored, and I have been picking at it ever since I was married with full

support form my husband, but this last week I took some more steps for all of

that.

>

> but this week I have been fighting for validation, and crying alot and wining

about her adn I decided I can't feel conflicted like this.

>

> I did not make it up!!! she uses me as her projection dumping ground, her

scapegoat, and I have been putty in her hands.

>

> and I am not a horrible person to want to protect myself from her emotionall

manipulation.

>

> but I alos know I question everything.

>

> I need to foucus on me right now, and on how I can grow my self esteem, give

up on the pipe dream of a real relationship with her, and figure out a more

concrete way to set boundries and become strong enough to enforce them. I can't

do that without cutting her off for a while.

>

>

> so Christmas is out, and the fallout will likley be HUGE.

>

> today i bought a lobster tail, crab legs and some cookies I really like that

are too expensive.

>

> I am feeling better already.

>

> please talk me into it.

>

[Guest guest]

I live a couple thousand miles from Nada. her powers are far reaching. we don't

have the money to visit much. which I think she tells people is because I am mad

at them. there was a suspicious round of questions the last visit. she calls

every week and I have to drop everything and talk for a decent interval for her

to be happy. if the kids scream, and I " need to go " she acts hurt and

reluctantly agrees. if it is during a meal she says something like " well its

just my luck you are ALWAYS eating when I call " followed by a long sigh etc.

honestly if we were going to be with family it might be better. My family is

HUGE Nada was obsessed with giving birth. she thinks BC is evil. (which in her

defense is kind of a generational thing.) she only stopped having kids because

she had an emergency cesarean/hysterectomy when having me. when we all get

together it is a mad house, and my sister-in-law says something snarky (that we

were all thinking) and nada cries, and so other that a few triggers she loves

to set off with me it is usually fairly peaceful because I can avoid her without

it being too obvious.

I am glad there are so many of us I think it distributes things a bit.

phone calls from Nada are becoming hard. she is fighting the boundaries. what a

cruel daughter I am to rip an old womens whipping boy away at Christmas time.

she will call make me feel like a terrible daughter for being too busy for her

on Christmas etc. because the other 20 people in her house at any given time are

not enough.

so I think I will disconnect the phone.

I will never hear the end of it. but I think i want to do it anyway. and with

any luck she will assume I am gone. at least until she tries over and over.

then I will have to face the whole weedlig questions later thing.

I am not sure why disconnecting the phone is so hard but it is. Nada will KNOW.

and she already thinks I am mistreating her.

If the world were fair I could ask her not to call for a while, and put us both

out of our misery.

but I feel like the choice for me is that I cry half of the day from her

confrontation (it is imminent now) or she can (possibly?) cry. I can control my

life, but I can't control hers.

> >

> > I am terrified!!!!

> > I tried to set boundries this sat. when my mom called. and she fought it

hard, and ended in tears. I kept my cool on the phone, but I fell apart and I am

still recovering. the FOG is really hard on me. then in a family letter theis

week she topped it off with a self righteouss speil about how she and my dad

were so greatfull God " trusted " tehm with all of us and how " we know we made some

mistales, but we are so greatful God's plan includes forgiveness "

> >

> > from her perspective as far as I know my emmotionally distant behavior is

comming from nowhere. i used to tell her everything blissfully unaware that she

was using against me.

> >

> > last week I was gone when she called, and I had a wonderful week. I was

introspective and was starting to feel like thes 6 mo. funk I have been in was

finally dissapating a little. I have some unresolved medical issues my NADA

ignored, and I have been picking at it ever since I was married with full

support form my husband, but this last week I took some more steps for all of

that.

> >

> > but this week I have been fighting for validation, and crying alot and

wining about her adn I decided I can't feel conflicted like this.

> >

> > I did not make it up!!! she uses me as her projection dumping ground, her

scapegoat, and I have been putty in her hands.

> >

> > and I am not a horrible person to want to protect myself from her emotionall

manipulation.

> >

> > but I alos know I question everything.

> >

> > I need to foucus on me right now, and on how I can grow my self esteem, give

up on the pipe dream of a real relationship with her, and figure out a more

concrete way to set boundries and become strong enough to enforce them. I can't

do that without cutting her off for a while.

> >

> >

> > so Christmas is out, and the fallout will likley be HUGE.

> >

> > today i bought a lobster tail, crab legs and some cookies I really like that

are too expensive.

> >

> > I am feeling better already.

> >

> > please talk me into it.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

This will be my second NC Christmas and my only regret is that I didn't go NC

sooner, especially when it came to the holidays. Nada is the worst around the

holidays. What should be a happy time, Nada made it hell. I am an only child and

my parents divorced when I was a baby. I was shared custody. I am super close to

my dad and his whole family but nada resented every bit of it. I caught hell for

seeing them on holidays. I was told I was selfish and called just about every

name in the book. I dreaded the holidays. Presents were never good enough and

cards were never heartfelt enough. Everyday leading to Christmas was a drag out

fight of what a terrible daughter I was. After I married my husband I felt such

guilt for him having to experience this and on top of it I had in-laws, just

more family to split the holidays with which nada couldn't stand. Enough was

enough! I had my first child and knew that I no longer wanted to dread and fear

the holidays, or any day for that matter and went NC. I'll admit last year even

though I was NC, it was the first NC Christmas so I was still a bit uneasy.

Almost like I was just waiting for nada to pop up somewhere and start screaming

at me telling me how horrible I was. This is actually the first year that I am

really looking forward to Christmas and getting to experience it with my family

without the stress of nada looming.

I'll be honest, if your nada is anything like mine it won't be easy, but it will

so be worth it!

>

> I am terrified!!!!

> I tried to set boundries this sat. when my mom called. and she fought it hard,

and ended in tears. I kept my cool on the phone, but I fell apart and I am still

recovering. the FOG is really hard on me. then in a family letter theis week she

topped it off with a self righteouss speil about how she and my dad were so

greatfull God " trusted " tehm with all of us and how " we know we made some

mistales, but we are so greatful God's plan includes forgiveness "

>

> from her perspective as far as I know my emmotionally distant behavior is

comming from nowhere. i used to tell her everything blissfully unaware that she

was using against me.

>

> last week I was gone when she called, and I had a wonderful week. I was

introspective and was starting to feel like thes 6 mo. funk I have been in was

finally dissapating a little. I have some unresolved medical issues my NADA

ignored, and I have been picking at it ever since I was married with full

support form my husband, but this last week I took some more steps for all of

that.

>

> but this week I have been fighting for validation, and crying alot and wining

about her adn I decided I can't feel conflicted like this.

>

> I did not make it up!!! she uses me as her projection dumping ground, her

scapegoat, and I have been putty in her hands.

>

> and I am not a horrible person to want to protect myself from her emotionall

manipulation.

>

> but I alos know I question everything.

>

> I need to foucus on me right now, and on how I can grow my self esteem, give

up on the pipe dream of a real relationship with her, and figure out a more

concrete way to set boundries and become strong enough to enforce them. I can't

do that without cutting her off for a while.

>

>

> so Christmas is out, and the fallout will likley be HUGE.

>

> today i bought a lobster tail, crab legs and some cookies I really like that

are too expensive.

>

> I am feeling better already.

>

> please talk me into it.

>

[Guest guest]

Its not easy at all to take those first difficult steps toward having healthy

personal boundaries, but its worth it in the long run. My suggestion is that

just cutting your nada off with no explanation will probably cause you more

grief than necessary (she will get your entire foo to contact you frantically

asking if something is wrong, are you ill, etc?)

I suggest that instead you tell your nada that from now on you're only going to

call her once a month to catch up, on (for example) the last Sunday of the

month; you can keep a timer going and only let the call last for 30 minutes (or

however long feels tolerable to you.)

If she asks why, you are not obligated to respond, to explain or defend your

decision at all, but you could say, " That will work better for me, from now on.

Thanks for understanding. "

Its not easy to accept that you are NOT responsible for your nada's feelings.

Her feelings are her own to deal with. Your nada uses her feelings to

manipulate you; she uses " FOG " to manipulate you: Fear, Obligation, Guilt. She

uses being sad or hurt to make you feel guilty for not catering to her and

attempting to fill her unfillable black hole of need.

We KOs are forced into the position of developing a few " calluses " on our

empathy bone, because nada has trained us from birth to feel inappropriately

responsible for her happiness; but doing that to her child was not normal and

not OK. Its wrong to parentify one's child and make the child nurture her own

mother, feed her mother's ego, and feel guilty and responsible for how mommy

feels.

So, your plan to limit contact or go no contact for a while sounds healthy to

me.

-Annie

> > >

> > > I am terrified!!!!

> > > I tried to set boundries this sat. when my mom called. and she fought it

hard, and ended in tears. I kept my cool on the phone, but I fell apart and I am

still recovering. the FOG is really hard on me. then in a family letter theis

week she topped it off with a self righteouss speil about how she and my dad

were so greatfull God " trusted " tehm with all of us and how " we know we made some

mistales, but we are so greatful God's plan includes forgiveness "

> > >

> > > from her perspective as far as I know my emmotionally distant behavior is

comming from nowhere. i used to tell her everything blissfully unaware that she

was using against me.

> > >

> > > last week I was gone when she called, and I had a wonderful week. I was

introspective and was starting to feel like thes 6 mo. funk I have been in was

finally dissapating a little. I have some unresolved medical issues my NADA

ignored, and I have been picking at it ever since I was married with full

support form my husband, but this last week I took some more steps for all of

that.

> > >

> > > but this week I have been fighting for validation, and crying alot and

wining about her adn I decided I can't feel conflicted like this.

> > >

> > > I did not make it up!!! she uses me as her projection dumping ground, her

scapegoat, and I have been putty in her hands.

> > >

> > > and I am not a horrible person to want to protect myself from her

emotionall manipulation.

> > >

> > > but I alos know I question everything.

> > >

> > > I need to foucus on me right now, and on how I can grow my self esteem,

give up on the pipe dream of a real relationship with her, and figure out a more

concrete way to set boundries and become strong enough to enforce them. I can't

do that without cutting her off for a while.

> > >

> > >

> > > so Christmas is out, and the fallout will likley be HUGE.

> > >

> > > today i bought a lobster tail, crab legs and some cookies I really like

that are too expensive.

> > >

> > > I am feeling better already.

> > >

> > > please talk me into it.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

At the moment, I would go total nc but can't yet because of the

kids. The costs could be high. But I won't be calling this

chrismas. I'm even thinking I won't email after this last email.

Steph

Re: considering a NC Christmas

Its not easy at all to take those first difficult steps toward

having healthy personal boundaries, but its worth it in the long

run. My suggestion is that just cutting your nada off with no

explanation will probably cause you more grief than necessary

(she will get your entire foo to contact you frantically asking

if something is wrong, are you ill, etc?)

I suggest that instead you tell your nada that from now on you're

only going to call her once a month to catch up, on (for example)

the last Sunday of the month; you can keep a timer going and only

let the call last for 30 minutes (or however long feels tolerable

to you.)

If she asks why, you are not obligated to respond, to explain or

defend your decision at all, but you could say, " That will work

better for me, from now on. Thanks for understanding. "

Its not easy to accept that you are NOT responsible for your

nada's feelings. Her feelings are her own to deal with. Your

nada uses her feelings to manipulate you; she uses " FOG " to

manipulate you: Fear, Obligation, Guilt. She uses being sad or

hurt to make you feel guilty for not catering to her and

attempting to fill her unfillable black hole of need.

We KOs are forced into the position of developing a few

" calluses " on our empathy bone, because nada has trained us from

birth to feel inappropriately responsible for her happiness; but

doing that to her child was not normal and not OK. Its wrong to

parentify one's child and make the child nurture her own mother,

feed her mother's ego, and feel guilty and responsible for how

mommy feels.

So, your plan to limit contact or go no contact for a while

sounds healthy to me.

-Annie

I am terrified!!!!

I tried to set boundries this sat. when my mom called. and she

fought it hard, and ended in tears. I kept my cool on the phone,

but I fell apart and I am still recovering. the FOG is really

hard on me. then in a family letter theis week she topped it off

with a self righteouss speil about how she and my dad were so

greatfull God " trusted " tehm with all of us and how " we know we

made some mistales, but we are so greatful God's plan includes

forgiveness "

from her perspective as far as I know my emmotionally distant

behavior is comming from nowhere. i used to tell her everything

blissfully unaware that she was using against me.

last week I was gone when she called, and I had a wonderful

week. I was introspective and was starting to feel like thes 6

mo. funk I have been in was finally dissapating a little. I

have some unresolved medical issues my NADA ignored, and I have

been picking at it ever since I was married with full support

form my husband, but this last week I took some more steps for

all of that.

but this week I have been fighting for validation, and crying

alot and wining about her adn I decided I can't feel conflicted

like this.

I did not make it up!!! she uses me as her projection dumping

ground, her scapegoat, and I have been putty in her hands.

and I am not a horrible person to want to protect myself from

her emotionall manipulation.

but I alos know I question everything.

I need to foucus on me right now, and on how I can grow my self

esteem, give up on the pipe dream of a real relationship with

her, and figure out a more concrete way to set boundries and

become strong enough to enforce them. I can't do that without

cutting her off for a while.

so Christmas is out, and the fallout will likley be HUGE.

today i bought a lobster tail, crab legs and some cookies I

really like that are too expensive.

I am feeling better already.

please talk me into it.

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @.... DO

NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

Groups Links

[Guest guest]

This is my first email only Chrismas with my parents.

Steph

Re: considering a NC Christmas

This will be my second NC Christmas and my only regret is that I

didn't go NC sooner, especially when it came to the holidays.

Nada is the worst around the holidays. What should be a happy

time, Nada made it hell. I am an only child and my parents

divorced when I was a baby. I was shared custody. I am super

close to my dad and his whole family but nada resented every bit

of it. I caught hell for seeing them on holidays. I was told I

was selfish and called just about every name in the book. I

dreaded the holidays. Presents were never good enough and cards

were never heartfelt enough. Everyday leading to Christmas was a

drag out fight of what a terrible daughter I was. After I

married my husband I felt such guilt for him having to experience

this and on top of it I had in-laws, just more family to split

the holidays with which nada couldn't stand. Enough was enough!

I had my first child and knew that I no longer wanted to dread

and fear the holidays, or any day for that matter and went NC.

I'll admit last year even though I was NC, it was the first NC

Christmas so I was still a bit uneasy. Almost like I was just

waiting for nada to pop up somewhere and start screaming at me

telling me how horrible I was. This is actually the first year

that I am really looking forward to Christmas and getting to

experience it with my family without the stress of nada looming.

I'll be honest, if your nada is anything like mine it won't be

easy, but it will so be worth it!

I am terrified!!!!

I tried to set boundries this sat. when my mom called. and she

fought it hard, and ended in tears. I kept my cool on the phone,

but I fell apart and I am still recovering. the FOG is really

hard on me. then in a family letter theis week she topped it off

with a self righteouss speil about how she and my dad were so

greatfull God " trusted " tehm with all of us and how " we know we

made some mistales, but we are so greatful God's plan includes

forgiveness "

from her perspective as far as I know my emmotionally distant

behavior is comming from nowhere. i used to tell her everything

blissfully unaware that she was using against me.

last week I was gone when she called, and I had a wonderful

week. I was introspective and was starting to feel like thes 6

mo. funk I have been in was finally dissapating a little. I

have some unresolved medical issues my NADA ignored, and I have

been picking at it ever since I was married with full support

form my husband, but this last week I took some more steps for

all of that.

but this week I have been fighting for validation, and crying

alot and wining about her adn I decided I can't feel conflicted

like this.

I did not make it up!!! she uses me as her projection dumping

ground, her scapegoat, and I have been putty in her hands.

and I am not a horrible person to want to protect myself from

her emotionall manipulation.

but I alos know I question everything.

I need to foucus on me right now, and on how I can grow my self

esteem, give up on the pipe dream of a real relationship with

her, and figure out a more concrete way to set boundries and

become strong enough to enforce them. I can't do that without

cutting her off for a while.

so Christmas is out, and the fallout will likley be HUGE.

today i bought a lobster tail, crab legs and some cookies I

really like that are too expensive.

I am feeling better already.

please talk me into it.

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @.... DO

NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

Groups Links