My daughter has a Facebook account / for those raising (or who have raised) teens

[Guest guest]

I know it's not a big deal that she does. Except that she and her father and I

had agreed that *we* would tell her when she could do so. A few years ago, at

age 11, she opened her own MySpace account, also without telling us. I found

out b/c she blurted it out in a conversation she and I were having with friends.

So, her waiting on us to give her the " Go " for Facebook would have been a way of

proving that she was going to listen to us. Lately, she won't listen at all.

Put on a coat, it's cold. Nooo, mom, I love this jacket.

I said to her father just a few weeks ago, that we should let her have a FB

account. He agreed it was probably time for her to have one, since most of her

friends have one. I said to him at the time, " Although I have a feeling she

already has one, b/c she has stopped asking for one. "

My husband and I don't have FB accounts. So, I created one and went on FB and

found her and her 263 friends.

**OK, here's the part that is relevant to this board:** I feel betrayed again

and like I have no voice in this girl's life, I feel lied to and laughed at (a

lot of her " Friends " are people that I know personally and talk to weekly, who

she probably asked not to tell me anything; I mean why would she Friend them

without making sure they didn't spill the beans to me).

It's not about FB at this point. It's how little what I say means to her. It's

the lack of respect I feel. I feel like flotsam, really.

BUT..I do not want to do what my mother did to me, when she found my journal 26

years ago. She rubbed my face in it and allowed that journal to define me. She

refused to forgive me for the things I'd said in it.

I haven't told my husband because I really need to think about what we should

do. I want to approach her more from a connection point (which seems really,

really almost impossible lately) than from a " you're grounded, I can't trust you

anymore " point.

Although, I will be grounding her and I won't be able to trust her for a while,

but I don't want to be a banshee in the way I communicate that. I want to tell

her I get why she did it but that it was not ok. She's 14 and thinks she's 24.

Any advice from parents of teens or those who've parented teens is very

appreciated. thanks.

Fiona

[Guest guest]

What a conundrum! I don't know what I would do. She was supposed to be waiting

for her parent's decision. Then you get to the decision and she has gone behind

your back and already set up her account.

I suppose there should be some accountability--perhaps missing a dance or some

other social event she's been looking forward to? then again--how much time have

you lost fretting over this since you found out? Maybe that same amount of lost

time she can make up to you by washing your windows?

I just know I had to be a big meany at times with my teenagers--it was the only

way I kept them from walking all over me. You might have to get creative to

figure out what *punishment* will best motivate your teen to change her

behavior.

This does get better--when they are approaching 20 :-)

>

> I know it's not a big deal that she does. Except that she and her father and

I had agreed that *we* would tell her when she could do so. A few years ago, at

age 11, she opened her own MySpace account, also without telling us. I found

out b/c she blurted it out in a conversation she and I were having with friends.

>

> So, her waiting on us to give her the " Go " for Facebook would have been a way

of proving that she was going to listen to us. Lately, she won't listen at all.

Put on a coat, it's cold. Nooo, mom, I love this jacket.

>

> I said to her father just a few weeks ago, that we should let her have a FB

account. He agreed it was probably time for her to have one, since most of her

friends have one. I said to him at the time, " Although I have a feeling she

already has one, b/c she has stopped asking for one. "

>

> My husband and I don't have FB accounts. So, I created one and went on FB and

found her and her 263 friends.

>

> **OK, here's the part that is relevant to this board:** I feel betrayed again

and like I have no voice in this girl's life, I feel lied to and laughed at (a

lot of her " Friends " are people that I know personally and talk to weekly, who

she probably asked not to tell me anything; I mean why would she Friend them

without making sure they didn't spill the beans to me).

>

> It's not about FB at this point. It's how little what I say means to her. It's

the lack of respect I feel. I feel like flotsam, really.

>

> BUT..I do not want to do what my mother did to me, when she found my journal

26 years ago. She rubbed my face in it and allowed that journal to define me.

She refused to forgive me for the things I'd said in it.

>

> I haven't told my husband because I really need to think about what we should

do. I want to approach her more from a connection point (which seems really,

really almost impossible lately) than from a " you're grounded, I can't trust you

anymore " point.

>

> Although, I will be grounding her and I won't be able to trust her for a

while, but I don't want to be a banshee in the way I communicate that. I want to

tell her I get why she did it but that it was not ok. She's 14 and thinks she's

24.

>

> Any advice from parents of teens or those who've parented teens is very

appreciated. thanks.

>

> Fiona

>

>

[Guest guest]

lol! Yay, just 6 years to go, then!

I'm glad I haven't approached my husband about it yet. It's given me time to

really think about why she did it. She's not a bad kid. She's definitely snarky,

but that's part of the age she's at.

I just dont like the sneakiness of it.

Thanks for your feedback, Echo!

> >

> > I know it's not a big deal that she does. Except that she and her father

and I had agreed that *we* would tell her when she could do so. A few years

ago, at age 11, she opened her own MySpace account, also without telling us. I

found out b/c she blurted it out in a conversation she and I were having with

friends.

> >

> > So, her waiting on us to give her the " Go " for Facebook would have been a

way of proving that she was going to listen to us. Lately, she won't listen at

all. Put on a coat, it's cold. Nooo, mom, I love this jacket.

> >

> > I said to her father just a few weeks ago, that we should let her have a FB

account. He agreed it was probably time for her to have one, since most of her

friends have one. I said to him at the time, " Although I have a feeling she

already has one, b/c she has stopped asking for one. "

> >

> > My husband and I don't have FB accounts. So, I created one and went on FB

and found her and her 263 friends.

> >

> > **OK, here's the part that is relevant to this board:** I feel betrayed

again and like I have no voice in this girl's life, I feel lied to and laughed

at (a lot of her " Friends " are people that I know personally and talk to weekly,

who she probably asked not to tell me anything; I mean why would she Friend them

without making sure they didn't spill the beans to me).

> >

> > It's not about FB at this point. It's how little what I say means to her.

It's the lack of respect I feel. I feel like flotsam, really.

> >

> > BUT..I do not want to do what my mother did to me, when she found my journal

26 years ago. She rubbed my face in it and allowed that journal to define me.

She refused to forgive me for the things I'd said in it.

> >

> > I haven't told my husband because I really need to think about what we

should do. I want to approach her more from a connection point (which seems

really, really almost impossible lately) than from a " you're grounded, I can't

trust you anymore " point.

> >

> > Although, I will be grounding her and I won't be able to trust her for a

while, but I don't want to be a banshee in the way I communicate that. I want to

tell her I get why she did it but that it was not ok. She's 14 and thinks she's

24.

> >

> > Any advice from parents of teens or those who've parented teens is very

appreciated. thanks.

> >

> > Fiona

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

14 year olds are notoriously smart mouthed and defiant. It sort of goes

with the territory. That does NOT mean you should tolerate it!

Refusing permission for a FB account is very different from reading a

girl s diary or journal. A journal is her private thoughts. A facebook

account opens her up to a whole world of people who may or may not be

appropriate for her to talk to.

A safety note, kids don t think about this, but you should NOT put your

address and personal info on your info part of your FB account. I ve

seen some people who would put thier date of birth, and even phone

numbers, out there for millions to see.

As to the reaction, you can delete, or temporarily deactivate the

account. Grounding her? What, so she can go to her room and get on

Facebook and tell her friends what a harpy you are?

No, I would

1. Require her to get on her account, with you there, and deactivate it.

Make it clear you were about to give her permission to make one, but

that because of her disobedience, she will now be without it for a time.

2. Find out how long ago she got it, make her now do without it for

that amount of time. Let the punishment fit the crime.

3. As a consequence of her violation of trust in Re online with the

computer, change the rules for the computer.

Put it in a public area, where she cannot be online without you seeing.

This is just a good common sense rule for any teen, they must always

know Mom or Dad can look over my shoulder anytime. And so should anyone

with whom they talk online.

Find out how to use passwords, user logins, and time restrictions.

Limit the amount of time she can be online, and consider allowing that

only when you are around.

And this is one my daughter uses for my 13 yo grandson: If you have FB

or txting, I can look at what you are doing at ANY time, at random,

without accusing you of anything, just because I am an adult, and you

are a 14 year old adolescent, and I am concerned and responsible for

your safety.

The safety rules of just common sense. And when she screams YOU DONT

TRUST ME, your answer is, I trust you to act like a 14 year old, who

still requires parents to put safe boundaries on your behavior. And at

the moment, I don t trust you to obey me, and to be responsible about

your online activities, because you went behind my back to get a FB

account. I ll give you a chance to re establish my trust of you, but

right now, NO, I do not trust you.

That is NOT being a screaming, boundary violating Nada. That is being a

sane, calm, rational parent.

Good luck. She won t like it, or appreciate it. Now. Years later, when

she is not pregnant, on drugs, or getting the crap beat out of her by a

boyfriend like some of her friends, she may. She may even tell you at

some point she is glad you stood your ground.

But, again, unlike Nada s , whose conciept is " We are best friends, my

kid tells me everything " , parents understand, I am NOT your BFF, I am

your mom. I expect that you don t tell me quite a bit! And my role is

not to be your BFF and wake up next to you in jail, and say, Dude, that

was awesome!, my role is to be your Mom and keep you safe, and guide you

to try and be a good, sane, responsible adult.

Doug

>

> I know it's not a big deal that she does. Except that she and her

father and I had agreed that *we* would tell her when she could do so.

A few years ago, at age 11, she opened her own MySpace account, also

without telling us. I found out b/c she blurted it out in a

conversation she and I were having with friends.

>

> So, her waiting on us to give her the " Go " for Facebook would have

been a way of proving that she was going to listen to us. Lately, she

won't listen at all. Put on a coat, it's cold. Nooo, mom, I love this

jacket.

>

> I said to her father just a few weeks ago, that we should let her have

a FB account. He agreed it was probably time for her to have one, since

most of her friends have one. I said to him at the time, " Although I

have a feeling she already has one, b/c she has stopped asking for one. "

>

> My husband and I don't have FB accounts. So, I created one and went

on FB and found her and her 263 friends.

>

> **OK, here's the part that is relevant to this board:** I feel

betrayed again and like I have no voice in this girl's life, I feel lied

to and laughed at (a lot of her " Friends " are people that I know

personally and talk to weekly, who she probably asked not to tell me

anything; I mean why would she Friend them without making sure they

didn't spill the beans to me).

>

> It's not about FB at this point. It's how little what I say means to

her. It's the lack of respect I feel. I feel like flotsam, really.

>

> BUT..I do not want to do what my mother did to me, when she found my

journal 26 years ago. She rubbed my face in it and allowed that journal

to define me. She refused to forgive me for the things I'd said in it.

>

> I haven't told my husband because I really need to think about what we

should do. I want to approach her more from a connection point (which

seems really, really almost impossible lately) than from a " you're

grounded, I can't trust you anymore " point.

>

> Although, I will be grounding her and I won't be able to trust her for

a while, but I don't want to be a banshee in the way I communicate that.

I want to tell her I get why she did it but that it was not ok. She's 14

and thinks she's 24.

>

> Any advice from parents of teens or those who've parented teens is

very appreciated. thanks.

>

> Fiona

>

>