Guest guest Posted June 27, 2011 Report Share Posted June 27, 2011 I'm living with a relative, away from home for the first time. Apparently, fada is not handling my moving away too well (surprise). And according to the relative I am living with, he has become really depressed and anti-social. So my relative asks me, when is the next time I am going home? I really should go home soon if my dad is like this. He misses me. She went home at least once/month when she was in college and now she goes home at least every other month (she's in her thirties now). She kept pressing me, asking why I'm not going home for the next few months, and how my fada is so upset. If only she knew... To an extent, I feel like I am getting hoovered back in. She doesn't know what has ever happened, and I am not sure she would ever understand if I told her. She has what seems like the " perfect " family and the image she has of my fada is close to perfect. As I'm sure a lot of you can relate, he shows a loving, happy face to people who don't know him so well. For me to tell her could be invalidating and just make me seem like an awful, angsty person. So how to I reply when my relative tells me how I need to go home and implies that my fada's happiness depends upon me? I don't think telling her the truth about fada would be too helpful for now. She has grown up in such a different family environment than I have, and to say that I'm independent now is a little too far-fetched for her to buy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 27, 2011 Report Share Posted June 27, 2011 My stock answer would be " I'm not ready for that yet. " Just keep repeating until she quits asking. Or if she persists, tell her " I'm aware of the situation and will keep that in mind. " It's harder than it sounds, but it usually works. > > I'm living with a relative, away from home for the first time. > > Apparently, fada is not handling my moving away too well (surprise). And according to the relative I am living with, he has become really depressed and anti-social. > > So my relative asks me, when is the next time I am going home? I really should go home soon if my dad is like this. He misses me. She went home at least once/month when she was in college and now she goes home at least every other month (she's in her thirties now). She kept pressing me, asking why I'm not going home for the next few months, and how my fada is so upset. > > If only she knew... > > To an extent, I feel like I am getting hoovered back in. She doesn't know what has ever happened, and I am not sure she would ever understand if I told her. She has what seems like the " perfect " family and the image she has of my fada is close to perfect. As I'm sure a lot of you can relate, he shows a loving, happy face to people who don't know him so well. For me to tell her could be invalidating and just make me seem like an awful, angsty person. > > So how to I reply when my relative tells me how I need to go home and implies that my fada's happiness depends upon me? I don't think telling her the truth about fada would be too helpful for now. She has grown up in such a different family environment than I have, and to say that I'm independent now is a little too far-fetched for her to buy. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 27, 2011 Report Share Posted June 27, 2011 Newlife, I know how you feel. In those situations as you describe, I've found the less I say the better. The more I try to explain, justify, and get someone to see it from my perspective and to really " get " what I've gone through -- the more fruitless it is. they usually end up with a look of utter confusion on their faces and I feel like an idiot for going on and on for nothing. Now I just say, as others have suggested, " I'm not ready to deal with her right now. " And just keep saying that and variations on that. I was talking to someone today and went into very little detail about my mother's latest antics and my not speaking to her now for 3 days and as much as she tried to understand, she ended up saying, " well, you have to call her sooner or later, she's your mom. " She was supportive and agreed with me that protecting my kids comes first but still felt I should call my mom. I changed the subject shortly after that! Good luck, Fiona > > I'm living with a relative, away from home for the first time. > > Apparently, fada is not handling my moving away too well (surprise). And according to the relative I am living with, he has become really depressed and anti-social. > > So my relative asks me, when is the next time I am going home? I really should go home soon if my dad is like this. He misses me. She went home at least once/month when she was in college and now she goes home at least every other month (she's in her thirties now). She kept pressing me, asking why I'm not going home for the next few months, and how my fada is so upset. > > If only she knew... > > To an extent, I feel like I am getting hoovered back in. She doesn't know what has ever happened, and I am not sure she would ever understand if I told her. She has what seems like the " perfect " family and the image she has of my fada is close to perfect. As I'm sure a lot of you can relate, he shows a loving, happy face to people who don't know him so well. For me to tell her could be invalidating and just make me seem like an awful, angsty person. > > So how to I reply when my relative tells me how I need to go home and implies that my fada's happiness depends upon me? I don't think telling her the truth about fada would be too helpful for now. She has grown up in such a different family environment than I have, and to say that I'm independent now is a little too far-fetched for her to buy. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 27, 2011 Report Share Posted June 27, 2011 My deceased MIL had a saying, " Opinions are like assholes...everybody's got one. " It is unlikely u will ever change this relative's opinion, so don't waste your breath trying. Your thought that explaining the situation would backfire is right on. Using the phrase(s) suggested by others seem to me to be your best bet. And when she continues to annoy, just think of the handy phrase above. > > > > I'm living with a relative, away from home for the first time. > > > > Apparently, fada is not handling my moving away too well (surprise). And according to the relative I am living with, he has become really depressed and anti-social. > > > > So my relative asks me, when is the next time I am going home? I really should go home soon if my dad is like this. He misses me. She went home at least once/month when she was in college and now she goes home at least every other month (she's in her thirties now). She kept pressing me, asking why I'm not going home for the next few months, and how my fada is so upset. > > > > If only she knew... > > > > To an extent, I feel like I am getting hoovered back in. She doesn't know what has ever happened, and I am not sure she would ever understand if I told her. She has what seems like the " perfect " family and the image she has of my fada is close to perfect. As I'm sure a lot of you can relate, he shows a loving, happy face to people who don't know him so well. For me to tell her could be invalidating and just make me seem like an awful, angsty person. > > > > So how to I reply when my relative tells me how I need to go home and implies that my fada's happiness depends upon me? I don't think telling her the truth about fada would be too helpful for now. She has grown up in such a different family environment than I have, and to say that I'm independent now is a little too far-fetched for her to buy. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 27, 2011 Report Share Posted June 27, 2011 this probably only works if you have a decent southern accent, but it is sometimes helpful to wait til she says something like what you described, " I went home once a month " , and then smile sweetly and say " did you? " (though it works better if 'did' lasts about three syllables and sounds more like " dee-ee-id " ). and then follow it up with a question that relates to the answer to 'did you?'. and then another question, if necessary. Enough times and she will get tired of asking but somehow not getting an answer. I grew up around a few women who were masters at the not yielding while being sweet as pie, it's practically an art form ( Sarandon in that baseball movie typifies this kind of woman, I think the movie is Bull Durham). > > I'm living with a relative, away from home for the first time. > > Apparently, fada is not handling my moving away too well (surprise). And according to the relative I am living with, he has become really depressed and anti-social. > > So my relative asks me, when is the next time I am going home? I really should go home soon if my dad is like this. He misses me. She went home at least once/month when she was in college and now she goes home at least every other month (she's in her thirties now). She kept pressing me, asking why I'm not going home for the next few months, and how my fada is so upset. > > If only she knew... > > To an extent, I feel like I am getting hoovered back in. She doesn't know what has ever happened, and I am not sure she would ever understand if I told her. She has what seems like the " perfect " family and the image she has of my fada is close to perfect. As I'm sure a lot of you can relate, he shows a loving, happy face to people who don't know him so well. For me to tell her could be invalidating and just make me seem like an awful, angsty person. > > So how to I reply when my relative tells me how I need to go home and implies that my fada's happiness depends upon me? I don't think telling her the truth about fada would be too helpful for now. She has grown up in such a different family environment than I have, and to say that I'm independent now is a little too far-fetched for her to buy. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.