Undiagnosed BP Mother - Horrible Impact on Daugther's Emotional Well Being

December 14, 2011

I am an only child of divorced parents. I have a wonderful husband and 2

wonderful teenage children (son and daughter). I have came to the conclusion

my mother has BP personality and it has had some damaging emotional effects on

my daughter.

My daughter, now 16, has suffered from anxiety since age 9. It got so bad in

the last 3 years she would say wanted to be dead. She would tell me she hates

herself, doesn't like the way she looks, has no friends. She is beautiful, does

have friends, plays piano and is a straight A student. Yet she feels so horrible

about herself.

I have seeked help for my daughter for the last seven years. She has seen many

therapists, several doctors, and was put on medication. The last doctor she

seen left the state right after her diagnosis. We were making so much

progress. She found and shed light on the root of my daughter's problems. They

have all stemmed from - MY MOTHER!!! From a very young age, my daughter would

spend the night every other weekend or so with her. My son never wanted to go.

It got to the point I hated for her to go spend time with my mom. I would

notice how my daughter would always come home in a funky bad mood and be snippy

with me. It got to the point I just didn't want her to go over finally, 7 years

later I think I have learned why. Mom would beg for my daughter's company. She

would say how lonely she was and how good it did her to spend time with her

grandchild. My husband always gave in " he felt bad for her " . He would say she

lives alone. It's her grandmother.

So what did I recently learn after 7 grueling years of seeking help for my

daughter....

I learned from the doctor that my mother discussed inappropriate sexual content

with her at a very young age that included making her aware she was a sexual

being and perhaps encouraging her to act on the awareness. I learned from a very

young age my mother made me out to be a " bad mommy " even telling her she was

unplanned. When the doctor called my husband and me in to discuss her findings

she said KEEP your daughter AWAY from your mother especially UNSUPERVISED. She

gave us some but not all details. She thought my mother was a narcissist and/or

had BP Disorder. Now keep in mind my mom will deny all of this if confronted.

Her do such terrible things, no, they only read from the bible, played games,

and went to eat out when they spent time together.

Looking back, my mother uses emotional blackmail. It's always about her and her

gloom and doom. She will call a thousand times a day. Her life is so bad. She

is so lonely. We are the only family she has. She will say she is old and

can't get around due to arthritis in knees. FACTS ARE: She is 65 and obese and

never did a damn thing to help herself. She blames me for everything. It's my

fault she didn't get a bill paid because I didn't remind her. She will call my

husband and tell him that he deserves better than me. SHE SHEDS ME IN A

NEGATIVE LIGHT BEHIND MY BACK. I've always known this but DID NOT know it made

a horrible impact on my daughter.

These last nine months since the doctor left have been HELL. I've pretty much

done the avoid calls as much as possible technique. I blocked her number from

my daughter's cell. However, I think she is catching on. She can't figure out

why she hasn't been able to reach her granddaughter, as frequently as she use to

be able to do.

I don't know what to do at this point. My daughter's current therapist concurs

with the last doctor's decision to keep my daughter away. She recently called

me in their therapy session to discuss a note my mother had slipped to my

daughter that I wasn't supposed to know about. (She slipped it to her on a visit

my husband made with my daughter to drop off my mom's mail). The note shed me

in a negative light, asking why my daughter isn't calling her back or emailing,

telling her if she did something wrong the doctors should be counseling all of

us together, not breaking her family apart. The therapist said that would not

be a solution. That would be like having a Rapist attend a session with his

victim.

I've explained to my mom she is growing up and has a lot on her plate, with

school, and a very nice boyfriend and she doesn't have time to be in her life as

much as she use to or to take her calls constantly.

I don't know if and how I should say " YOU DID A NUMBER ON HER MENTAL HEALTH " .

She doesn't care to talk to you as frequently anymore, she has learned through

therapy that you cross the line on several issues. How do I keep my mother from

asking and calling all the time wanting to talk to my daughter? Although this

doesn't sound difficult to do, it is! Mom has temporarily stopped driving so I

don't have to worry about her popping in. It's the CONTSTANT phone calls and

constantly wanting to talk to my daughter. I've got to protect my daughter from

my mother but how do I do this? Confront her with the information? I'm so in

the middle. I don't feel I can abandon my mother completely. She has no one.

Any suggestions, or recommendations, would be greatly appreciated.

December 14, 2011

Okay. This is a complicated situation, but my instinctive response is --

PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER AT ALL COSTS. You and your husband are both adults

and can decide on your own if you want to have contact with your mother,

but your daughter is still a kid and needs your protection. If, in the best

opinion of yourself and of your child's therapist, this means cutting off

grandma, you CUT HER OFF. Completely. You don't owe her an explanation,

either.

It sounds like your son has twigged to the fact that grandma is poisonous

-- does your daughter actually want to visit her grandmother? Or does she

think YOU want her to visit grandma, and she's putting up with it for your

sake? Ask your daughter. Make sure she knows she is NOT under an obligation

to visit grandma if grandma makes her unhappy or uncomfortable, and that

she is NOT responsible for grandma's unhappiness.

If your daughter expresses some genuine desire to spend time with her

grandma, you can either:

1) Refuse to let her have contact with her grandmother regardless. You are

the parent. You can set limits. If your kid wanted to hang out with the

nice man three houses down and you found out that guy was on the sexual

offender list, you probably wouldn't let your kid visit no matter how much

your kid begged. You have the power, and more important, the responsibility

to safeguard your daughter. Not your mother. Your mother is an adult and

needs to take responsibility for her own happiness; YOU have to take

responsibility for your daughter's safety, until your daughter is grown.

2) You could choose to allow short, heavily supervised visit with grandma.

Let your daughter know that she does not have to listen to grandma put down

her parents -- she can politely and respectfully say " Grandma, I don't want

to listen to that. " And if grandma won't stop, let your daughter know she

can leave. And don't YOU allow your mother to trash talk you (or your

husband or son) in your daughter's presence either. Again, politely and

respectfully say. " No. I don't want you talking like that. " Warn her that

if she won't stop saying those things, she will lose all access to your

daughter. If she doesn't stop, cut her off immediately and stick to your

guns. It's okay to give her a chance to behave properly, but if she won't

take the chance or heed the warning, you don't owe her a second chance. Get

your kid out and keep her out.

If you are seriously worried about your mother and want to help her, my

advice would be:

1) Try to get her to seek therapy. This almost never works -- they almost

never want to go, and if you twist their arm and force them, they'll make

no progress and quit the first chance they get. But there is a tiny chance

that if she hooks up with a therapist or social worker she likes, she might

be able to open up a little and start working on her own problems. I

generally feel it's worth a short to say, " Hey, have you considered talking

to someone if you're so miserable? " Don't fall for the comeback line of

" I'm only miserable because YOU are making me miserable! " Make her

happiness her own responsibility.

2) Try to get her to have a life. See if you can prod her into connecting

with other people her own age for card games, gardening clubs, book clubs,

whatever her interests are. If she develops some other relationships

outside of the one with you, her own life will be more fulfilling and you

will get some relief.

The thing that concerns me most is when you say : " I don't feel I can

abandon my mother completely. She has no one. " I applaud your compassion,

but you MUST NOT, under any circumstances, endanger your daughter to save

your mother. That's wrong. That's evil. If your mother were sane, she would

want you to take care of her granddaughter and not her. See to your

daughter's health and safety, and then, if you feel she really deserves it,

you can try to help your mom. But PUT YOUR CHILD FIRST. Always. Always.

Your daughter is depending on you. Don't let her down.

-- Jen

> **

>

> I am an only child of divorced parents. I have a wonderful husband and 2

> wonderful teenage children (son and daughter). I have came to the

> conclusion my mother has BP personality and it has had some damaging

> emotional effects on my daughter.

>

> My daughter, now 16, has suffered from anxiety since age 9. It got so bad

> in the last 3 years she would say wanted to be dead. She would tell me she

> hates herself, doesn't like the way she looks, has no friends. She is

> beautiful, does have friends, plays piano and is a straight A student. Yet

> she feels so horrible about herself.

>

> I have seeked help for my daughter for the last seven years. She has seen

> many therapists, several doctors, and was put on medication. The last

> doctor she seen left the state right after her diagnosis. We were making

> so much progress. She found and shed light on the root of my daughter's

> problems. They have all stemmed from - MY MOTHER!!! From a very young age,

> my daughter would spend the night every other weekend or so with her. My

> son never wanted to go. It got to the point I hated for her to go spend

> time with my mom. I would notice how my daughter would always come home in

> a funky bad mood and be snippy with me. It got to the point I just didn't

> want her to go over finally, 7 years later I think I have learned why. Mom

> would beg for my daughter's company. She would say how lonely she was and

> how good it did her to spend time with her grandchild. My husband always

> gave in " he felt bad for her " . He would say she lives alone. It's her

> grandmother.

>

> So what did I recently learn after 7 grueling years of seeking help for my

> daughter....

> I learned from the doctor that my mother discussed inappropriate sexual

> content with her at a very young age that included making her aware she was

> a sexual being and perhaps encouraging her to act on the awareness. I

> learned from a very young age my mother made me out to be a " bad mommy "

> even telling her she was unplanned. When the doctor called my husband and

> me in to discuss her findings she said KEEP your daughter AWAY from your

> mother especially UNSUPERVISED. She gave us some but not all details. She

> thought my mother was a narcissist and/or had BP Disorder. Now keep in mind

> my mom will deny all of this if confronted. Her do such terrible things,

> no, they only read from the bible, played games, and went to eat out when

> they spent time together.

>

> Looking back, my mother uses emotional blackmail. It's always about her

> and her gloom and doom. She will call a thousand times a day. Her life is

> so bad. She is so lonely. We are the only family she has. She will say she

> is old and can't get around due to arthritis in knees. FACTS ARE: She is 65

> and obese and never did a damn thing to help herself. She blames me for

> everything. It's my fault she didn't get a bill paid because I didn't

> remind her. She will call my husband and tell him that he deserves better

> than me. SHE SHEDS ME IN A NEGATIVE LIGHT BEHIND MY BACK. I've always known

> this but DID NOT know it made a horrible impact on my daughter.

>

> These last nine months since the doctor left have been HELL. I've pretty

> much done the avoid calls as much as possible technique. I blocked her

> number from my daughter's cell. However, I think she is catching on. She

> can't figure out why she hasn't been able to reach her granddaughter, as

> frequently as she use to be able to do.

>

> I don't know what to do at this point. My daughter's current therapist

> concurs with the last doctor's decision to keep my daughter away. She

> recently called me in their therapy session to discuss a note my mother had

> slipped to my daughter that I wasn't supposed to know about. (She slipped

> it to her on a visit my husband made with my daughter to drop off my mom's

> mail). The note shed me in a negative light, asking why my daughter isn't

> calling her back or emailing, telling her if she did something wrong the

> doctors should be counseling all of us together, not breaking her family

> apart. The therapist said that would not be a solution. That would be like

> having a Rapist attend a session with his victim.

>

> I've explained to my mom she is growing up and has a lot on her plate,

> with school, and a very nice boyfriend and she doesn't have time to be in

> her life as much as she use to or to take her calls constantly.

>

> I don't know if and how I should say " YOU DID A NUMBER ON HER MENTAL

> HEALTH " . She doesn't care to talk to you as frequently anymore, she has

> learned through therapy that you cross the line on several issues. How do I

> keep my mother from asking and calling all the time wanting to talk to my

> daughter? Although this doesn't sound difficult to do, it is! Mom has

> temporarily stopped driving so I don't have to worry about her popping in.

> It's the CONTSTANT phone calls and constantly wanting to talk to my

> daughter. I've got to protect my daughter from my mother but how do I do

> this? Confront her with the information? I'm so in the middle. I don't feel

> I can abandon my mother completely. She has no one.

>

> Any suggestions, or recommendations, would be greatly appreciated.

>

December 14, 2011

This is so sad! Sorry you're going through this. Sounds like a vampire

wants to prey on your daughter. Please don't let her. If guilt is keeping

you captive, I would examine this and try to get used to the fact that you

have nothing to be guilty for. Your daughter needs protection and your

mother deserves what she gets.