i am shaking and feeling scared

[Guest guest]

Well, the shit has hit the fan over Mum's birthday. I got an

email from my step father. Here it is. How would you respond?

stephanie

I can't really express my disappointment with you over this

email. To forget

Mum's birthday is one thing but to send a six word email, not

even an

electronic card, beggar's belief! If your memory is so poor, use

Outlook and

put a reminder in it.

Mum never forgets your birthday or those of your children so

what's wrong

with you?

happy birthday

Hi Mum,

Hope you have a good birthday.

Steph

[Guest guest]

It reminds me of an email my fada sent to me, blasting me for being so

" self-absorbed " and not remembering that my mom was competing at the choir

competition (Like barbershop quartet, but it's a bigger group of women). I

didn't know when it was, I didn't know the exact dates, and I was neck-deep

in midterms. I fully intended to shoot her an email when I had time, but

after my fada's email, I decided against it. No way he's going to

guilt-trip me.

And wtf, you DID remember your nada's birthday. You sent a quick email,

which is in normal relationships a really sweet gesture. But no, your

stepdad is trying to guilt trip you and rope you back fully into the

dysfunction. My guess is that your nada was moping about not getting enough

attention and your stepdad might have been trying to cover his own ass by

emailing you, and blaming you.

My best advice is to ignore the email--don't reply--definitely don't reply

to any crazy-making emails. And if you do decide to email them about

something different, don't refer to his hateful message.

On Wed, Dec 14, 2011 at 6:59 PM,

wrote:

> **

>

>

> Well, the shit has hit the fan over Mum's birthday. I got an

> email from my step father. Here it is. How would you respond?

> stephanie

> I can't really express my disappointment with you over this

> email. To forget

> Mum's birthday is one thing but to send a six word email, not

> even an

> electronic card, beggar's belief! If your memory is so poor, use

> Outlook and

> put a reminder in it.

> Mum never forgets your birthday or those of your children so

> what's wrong

> with you?

>

> happy birthday

> Hi Mum,

> Hope you have a good birthday.

> Steph

>

>

[Guest guest]

That email is FOG, fear obligation guilt. The only way to win is to not

play. Good luck!

On Wed, Dec 14, 2011 at 8:08 PM, Holly Lipschultz <

hollymichellebyers@...> wrote:

> It reminds me of an email my fada sent to me, blasting me for being so

> " self-absorbed " and not remembering that my mom was competing at the choir

> competition (Like barbershop quartet, but it's a bigger group of women). I

> didn't know when it was, I didn't know the exact dates, and I was neck-deep

> in midterms. I fully intended to shoot her an email when I had time, but

> after my fada's email, I decided against it. No way he's going to

> guilt-trip me.

>

> And wtf, you DID remember your nada's birthday. You sent a quick email,

> which is in normal relationships a really sweet gesture. But no, your

> stepdad is trying to guilt trip you and rope you back fully into the

> dysfunction. My guess is that your nada was moping about not getting enough

> attention and your stepdad might have been trying to cover his own ass by

> emailing you, and blaming you.

>

> My best advice is to ignore the email--don't reply--definitely don't reply

> to any crazy-making emails. And if you do decide to email them about

> something different, don't refer to his hateful message.

>

> On Wed, Dec 14, 2011 at 6:59 PM,

> wrote:

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > Well, the shit has hit the fan over Mum's birthday. I got an

> > email from my step father. Here it is. How would you respond?

> > stephanie

> > I can't really express my disappointment with you over this

> > email. To forget

> > Mum's birthday is one thing but to send a six word email, not

> > even an

> > electronic card, beggar's belief! If your memory is so poor, use

> > Outlook and

> > put a reminder in it.

> > Mum never forgets your birthday or those of your children so

> > what's wrong

> > with you?

> >

> > happy birthday

> > Hi Mum,

> > Hope you have a good birthday.

> > Steph

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I WANT to though. I am FUVIOUS. And you know what? He forwarded

this to my sisters as well!

Steph

happy birthday

Hi Mum,

Hope you have a good birthday.

Steph

[Guest guest]

My question for you is what are you really feeling scared about? This is

clearly, undeniably a guilt trip (as in the " G " of FOG). What about it gets to

you? I suspect it may help you to look under the surface of your fear a bit.

That is how I got out from under the big G of FOG. Are you worried that you are

a bad person? That you will be ex-communicated? That the little bits of

whatever it is that they offer to you, they will stop offering because of this?

Then once you have figured out why this got to you, ask yourself, does that make

sense? Are you really a bad person for writing a six word email as opposed to

sending an e-card? Do you really deserve to be ex-communicated under such

circumstances? Do you want to make yourself a slave to whatever it is that you

need from these people that they can effect you so? Is there some other,

healthier way you might meet the needs that you have which make you vulnerable

to this?

Then ask yourself what might be the real reason that this was written to you.

Who does it serve? Why? How much does it really have to do with you, if at

all?

In my experience, if something really, really shakes me up, it is worth picking

apart and analyzing, because doing so makes it lose it's power over me.

HC

>

> Well, the shit has hit the fan over Mum's birthday. I got an

> email from my step father. Here it is. How would you respond?

> stephanie

> I can't really express my disappointment with you over this

> email. To forget

> Mum's birthday is one thing but to send a six word email, not

> even an

> electronic card, beggar's belief! If your memory is so poor, use

> Outlook and

> put a reminder in it.

> Mum never forgets your birthday or those of your children so

> what's wrong

> with you?

>

> happy birthday

> Hi Mum,

> Hope you have a good birthday.

> Steph

>

[Guest guest]

,

I wouldn't respond to a message like this at all. You don't owe

your step-father any explanation of why you made the choice you

did regarding your nada's birthday. You didn't forget and you

sent her a message. If he doesn't like that, tough. It isn't his

place to complain about it. He can be her flying monkey if he

wants, but that doesn't mean you need to play along.

At 07:59 PM 12/14/2011 wrote:

>Well, the shit has hit the fan over Mum's birthday. I got an

>email from my step father. Here it is. How would you respond?

> stephanie

> I can't really express my disappointment with you over this

>email. To forget

>Mum's birthday is one thing but to send a six word email, not

>even an

>electronic card, beggar's belief! If your memory is so poor,

>use

>Outlook and

>put a reminder in it.

>Mum never forgets your birthday or those of your children so

>what's wrong

>with you?

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

He forwarded it to your sisters? That right there ought to tell

you the issue isn't that you didn't send an e-card. There is NO

legitimate reason for including your sisters in this matter. The

only reason to forward the message to them is to let them know

you've been a " bad " girl and didn't do what nada and her flying

monkey wanted you to do.

At 08:38 PM 12/14/2011 wrote:

>I WANT to though. I am FUVIOUS. And you know what? He

>forwarded

>this to my sisters as well!

>Steph

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

It's the FOG. I feel SO in the FOG, it's just almost unbearable.

Esspecially since this is the first time I'd gone email only with

them.

Steph

Re: i am shaking and feeling scared

,

I wouldn't respond to a message like this at all. You don't owe

your step-father any explanation of why you made the choice you

did regarding your nada's birthday. You didn't forget and you

sent her a message. If he doesn't like that, tough. It isn't

his

place to complain about it. He can be her flying monkey if he

wants, but that doesn't mean you need to play along.

At 07:59 PM 12/14/2011 wrote:

Well, the shit has hit the fan over Mum's birthday. I got an

email from my step father. Here it is. How would you respond?

stephanie

I can't really express my disappointment with you over this

email. To forget

Mum's birthday is one thing but to send a six word email, not

even an

electronic card, beggar's belief! If your memory is so poor,

use

Outlook and

put a reminder in it.

Mum never forgets your birthday or those of your children so

what's wrong

with you?

--

Katrina

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @.... DO

NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

Groups Links

[Guest guest]

Email has helped me so much when I was actively being FOG'd by my family,

because then I can actually see the crazy in actual words, parse it, talk

about it with others, and be able to control my own actions and words

instead of getting emotional in person. And it helped to keep me from

getting overly triggered by my fada's yelling.

Anyway, you're strong; you can stick to your boundaries, which is in this

case, email And when hit with that kind of crazy, there's no way you can

respond without getting hurt even further. When I tried to write back to my

mom or fada, they always cranked up the flying monkey business or started

blaming me even more for all the troubles.

(hugs)

On Wed, Dec 14, 2011 at 8:05 PM,

wrote:

> **

>

>

> It's the FOG. I feel SO in the FOG, it's just almost unbearable.

> Esspecially since this is the first time I'd gone email only with

> them.

>

> Steph

>

> Re: i am shaking and feeling scared

>

> ,

> I wouldn't respond to a message like this at all. You don't owe

> your step-father any explanation of why you made the choice you

> did regarding your nada's birthday. You didn't forget and you

> sent her a message. If he doesn't like that, tough. It isn't

> his

> place to complain about it. He can be her flying monkey if he

> wants, but that doesn't mean you need to play along.

>

> At 07:59 PM 12/14/2011 wrote:

> Well, the shit has hit the fan over Mum's birthday. I got an

> email from my step father. Here it is. How would you respond?

> stephanie

> I can't really express my disappointment with you over this

> email. To forget

> Mum's birthday is one thing but to send a six word email, not

> even an

> electronic card, beggar's belief! If your memory is so poor,

> use

> Outlook and

> put a reminder in it.

> Mum never forgets your birthday or those of your children so

> what's wrong

> with you?

>

> --

> Katrina

>

> ------------------------------------

>

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

> The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

> New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

> www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @.... DO

> NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

>

> To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

> WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

>

> Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

> and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo!

> Groups Links

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I just wouldn't respond. He's trying to FOG you, big time.

>

> Well, the shit has hit the fan over Mum's birthday. I got an

> email from my step father. Here it is. How would you respond?

> stephanie

> I can't really express my disappointment with you over this

> email. To forget

> Mum's birthday is one thing but to send a six word email, not

> even an

> electronic card, beggar's belief! If your memory is so poor, use

> Outlook and

> put a reminder in it.

> Mum never forgets your birthday or those of your children so

> what's wrong

> with you?

>

> happy birthday

> Hi Mum,

> Hope you have a good birthday.

> Steph

>

[Guest guest]

If it makes you feel any better, I would have reacted the same way you did (not

that I am proud of my bodily reactions to nada/fada poking at me).

We've been trained since birth the be their little people pleasers. When I don't

please them and instead please myself, I experience PTDS symptoms like anxiety,

panic attacks, heart palpatations, etc.

It just sucks, and I wish for life to be different.

>

> Well, the shit has hit the fan over Mum's birthday. I got an

> email from my step father. Here it is. How would you respond?

> stephanie

> I can't really express my disappointment with you over this

> email. To forget

> Mum's birthday is one thing but to send a six word email, not

> even an

> electronic card, beggar's belief! If your memory is so poor, use

> Outlook and

> put a reminder in it.

> Mum never forgets your birthday or those of your children so

> what's wrong

> with you?

>

> happy birthday

> Hi Mum,

> Hope you have a good birthday.

> Steph

>

[Guest guest]

Steph, I would feel scared, too. I don't like being confronted like that, esp

from someone who doesn't understand the situation.

I like the advice of others here: don't even bother responding. It's like the

police shows say: whatever you say will be used against you. And really, no

matter what you say, it will not be adequate enough for your stepfather.

It's such a triangulation situation. This is something my father used to do,

mostly b/c my mother was making life hell for him complaining about me and he

wanted me to talk to her and do nice so that it would be better for him.

You're a grown up, you don't need to explain.

Fiona

>

> Well, the shit has hit the fan over Mum's birthday. I got an

> email from my step father. Here it is. How would you respond?

> stephanie

> I can't really express my disappointment with you over this

> email. To forget

> Mum's birthday is one thing but to send a six word email, not

> even an

> electronic card, beggar's belief! If your memory is so poor, use

> Outlook and

> put a reminder in it.

> Mum never forgets your birthday or those of your children so

> what's wrong

> with you?

>

> happy birthday

> Hi Mum,

> Hope you have a good birthday.

> Steph

>

[Guest guest]

That was jerky of him. It sounds like he wants to make you the black sheep.

He's the director of the play and he's assigning roles.

He will be Prosecutor and Man of Justice

Your mother will be the Wrongfully Done Sorrowful Mom

And your sisters will be playing supporting roles as dutiful daughters,

scandalized by the 6 word email.

Sigh. You may have to lay low for a while, if you can, until he gets this all

out of his system. This is between you and your mother.

>

> I WANT to though. I am FUVIOUS. And you know what? He forwarded

> this to my sisters as well!

> Steph

>

>

> Re: i am shaking and feeling scared

>

> That email is FOG, fear obligation guilt. The only way to win is

> to not

> play. Good luck!

[Guest guest]

I hate this kind of crap!!!! I am feeling SOOOOOO guilty myself right now I just

got off the phone with my sister Nada idolizes her, and she had a very different

experience in life than me. she is being kind about things, but I think she

really does not understand how deep the stings are for me. I think I made her

feel judged because I complained about our Nadas lack of attention to me, and

she is a full time working mom and i touched a nerve. I think you probably felt

like you should have done more for her b-day anyway so this is just pounding in

the guilt you already felt. but seriously how many birthdays has she had anyway?

I would want to justify my behavior too(in fact that is a huge issue for me

right now). especially if he is broadcasting it to the whole family how

HORRID!!!!! if one of your sisters is understanding give her a call. you have a

right to be heard even if it is not to the person who should hear it.

appologising is acknowleging that his behavior is correct, and wheter he is

right on any level that you should have done more, his behavior is WRONG.

feel better <3 do something fun like coloring with he kids today. they actually

appreciate you.

Meikjn

>

> **

>

>

> Well, the shit has hit the fan over Mum's birthday. I got an

> email from my step father. Here it is. How would you respond?

> stephanie

> I can't really express my disappointment with you over this

> email. To forget

> Mum's birthday is one thing but to send a six word email, not

> even an

> electronic card, beggar's belief! If your memory is so poor, use

> Outlook and

> put a reminder in it.

> Mum never forgets your birthday or those of your children so

> what's wrong

> with you?

>

> happy birthday

> Hi Mum,

> Hope you have a good birthday.

> Steph

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I would respond as follows.

Listen up, you . ( I originally used a stronger term, one I learned in

the Navy.)

You are NOT my father, you are my moms 2nd husband. My relationship

with her is none of your business. I will communicate with her, or not,

as I see fit. It is none of your business. I don t really care if you

are disappointed or not. My role is not to please you. I don t have to

explain to you why I make the choices I make about conversations or

contact with her, nor will I. You were not part of the original problem,

nor are you part of any solution. Mind your own business.

You live with her, and support her and that is your choice. But you need

to back up and get off me.

I do not want to hear anything else from you on the subject, or of how

I should behave toward my mom. If you violate this boundary with me, I

will refuse to have any further contact with you at all.

That would be my responce.

Doug

>

> Well, the shit has hit the fan over Mum's birthday. I got an

> email from my step father. Here it is. How would you respond?

> stephanie

> I can't really express my disappointment with you over this

> email. To forget

> Mum's birthday is one thing but to send a six word email, not

> even an

> electronic card, beggar's belief! If your memory is so poor, use

> Outlook and

> put a reminder in it.

> Mum never forgets your birthday or those of your children so

> what's wrong

> with you?

>

> happy birthday

> Hi Mum,

> Hope you have a good birthday.

> Steph

>

[Guest guest]

Sounds like my nada and step-fada!

I would send birthday cards or any kind of card for that matter and no matter

what I always did something wrong. If it didn't get there on time I was

horrible. If I just signed the card I was horrible. I had to write a long,

hand-written, heartfelt message inside the card. Heartfelt is not something that

comes easy with them. I remember sending cards and stressing about whether they

would get there on time. E-cards were out of the question.

I am very close to my bio-dad and my extended family on his side. On birthdays

sometimes we just send text messages and it is perfectly acceptable.

I am now NC with nada and step-fada, but I sure do hate cards. Whenever my

birthday, anniversary, or Christmas comes around I always tell my husband please

do not feel like you need to get me a card. Acknowledgement is what is

important, and you certainly acknowledged your nadas birthday even if it was

just an email. I think it's just the " Queen " in them that expects us to roll out

the red carpet every time. Whenever I would get the nasty emails from step-fada

about not remembering something or making a big enough deal about something I

always kinda felt like he was probably catching a good ration of nada's wrath

over something and was trying to put blame on me in an attempt to transfer her

anger.

>

> Well, the shit has hit the fan over Mum's birthday. I got an

> email from my step father. Here it is. How would you respond?

> stephanie

> I can't really express my disappointment with you over this

> email. To forget

> Mum's birthday is one thing but to send a six word email, not

> even an

> electronic card, beggar's belief! If your memory is so poor, use

> Outlook and

> put a reminder in it.

> Mum never forgets your birthday or those of your children so

> what's wrong

> with you?

>

> happy birthday

> Hi Mum,

> Hope you have a good birthday.

> Steph

>

[Guest guest]

Abuse like that ought not be dignified with a response.

Hugs to you, !

[Guest guest]

Actually, my sisters aren't understanding. One lives on the

other side of the world and we are basically nc. The other is

the one that is visiting the kids.

That's why I post here; I can be heard here like no

where else.

Steph

happy birthday

Hi Mum,

Hope you have a good birthday.

Steph