Profound Effect of Even Minimal Nada Communication

[Guest guest]

Hi WTO,

As someone who's been fully NC with my entire FOO for several years now, I am

learning more and more to believe my own truth, and to actually experience my

authentic reactions to nada--both in the past and the present.

All FOO is blocked fully from my phone, which is well worth the extra few

dollars each month I have to pay AT & T. But unfortunately my email (which is

professional and can't be changed) does not have a full block feature. Instead

I can only send messages from certain addresses straight to the junk mail

folder. I try my hardest to never look in the junk mail, just delete it all,

but sometimes curiosity or fear or what have you gets the better of me, and I

look at the message subjects and senders before deleting them. I know that it's

been several holidays of NC and that nada is probably getting antsy and wants to

try and make me visit if she possibly can. I also have a fear that, although

I've never told them my current location or job, they might one day show up at

my work, which is findable on the internet.

In fact, have nightmares that my family shows up at my place of work.

But that's nothing. I am struck by how truly extreme the HARM is, from even

minimal 'contact' with nada, and that's what I wanted to share. The other day I

saw a message from her in my junk, with 'no subject'. I deleted without

reading. But, knowing what it would be about (pressure for a visit and pressure

for me to feel like an undesirable 'old maid' since the golden child sibling

recently married)--Just knowing that, just seeing the message for a split

second, caused me damage. The exact same kindof damage I used to experience

when I was in contact with her on a much larger scale.

First of all there was a terror nightmare. I dreamed that I was being attached

by a huge cadre of tarantulas in the yard outside my childhood home. Then,

there was the *venom in me the next day. I woke up without the wherewithal to

even MOVE. It was like I had been injected with spider venom. I had to FORCE

myself, I mean FORCE, to get up and make coffee and move around. It was not

easy. I then had to write in my journal and process my reaction--again, just to

looking at the message header and deleting it!!--and this took about 3 hours. I

had to think, and think, write and write, talk to myself, and read a few posts

here. Only when I fully understood and BELIEVED what had happened to me--that

nada had purposefully tried to harm me, that with my ptsd I experienced it like

a venom--did I start to feel the depression lift and actually have the emotional

energy to dress and go to work.

In past months, after seeing messages from other foo members (without even

reading them!) I have had terrible nightmares, disturbing ones--I've dreamed

that my nada was the little girl from the exorcist who was going to 'get' me

however demons do; I've dreamed that I poisoned my father and then chopped off

his limbs and head; I've dreamed that I was in church and the priest kicked me

out and punished me; and those man-eating spiders, just keep comin'.

I see now that it's true, really, wholly TRUE, that my nada is a physical threat

to me. This 'lack of will' I get from even minimal contact with her is even

more severe when I actually see her. I remember being able to sleep for 22

hours a day, weeks at a time, during grad school visits, or in high school

before I moved out. Nada keeps me from being able to meet my public obligations

and participate in the world, by triggering me into this dissociative haze--I

don't lose time, or have multiple personalities, or do drugs--I just. FREEZE.

I just sleep. I lose all WILL, to even breathe.

This may have kept me 'safe' as a child but now it is detrimental. Obviously!

And when I'm not freezing up from just the lack of will to move that her venom

causes, then I'm feeling an abject despair, getting caught up in 'believing' her

truth (that I am isolated, abandoned, undesirable). And then I am in so much

pain that it can even become self-threatening, just to end the pain. I can't

even imagine this now, I am so far from it--but when I am around nada, it DOES

happen.

I think I am writing this to validate how much of a threat toxic nadas can truly

be, to validate anyone who is considering going NC for their own safety, even if

they don't have an obvious 'threat' such as nada coming at you with a knife,

hitting you, etc. I think that, when and if one gains REAL distance from a

nada, it can be astounding. How MUCH harm contact with her really does.

Even in the high-functioning cases. My nada was attractive and noone in the

family has ever even considered putting her in any kind of home or treatment for

mental illness. Yet I know her to be a child molester and emotional and

physical torturer. Although it was very rarely physical, and mildly physical

when it was so, my nada's abuse was truly, honestly extreme. I was split black

and to my nada this meant fixating on my appearance and my feminity. She was

obsessed with trying to make me feel 'disgusting' in both of those areas, and

believe me, it was traumatic. My nada was also a hermit extraordinairre, and

she would tell me gruesome things over and over under the guise of protecting

me, like, 'you're gonna cut your finger off with that knife', 'you're gonna poke

your eye out with those scissors'. To this day, when I'm too tired or stressed

to block out my normal burned-in thought patterns, I walk around the house

seeing a horror movie in every darned appliance. And there were also physical

threats and threats of annihilation from my narcissist father as well.

Yet from the outside this would be very hard to see with the untrained eye. I

was fed. There was a house. I showed up at school and made good grades. There

were no serious health problems or injuries. They never hit me--at least not

after I was 7 or so. There was just me, becoming more and more miserable and

dissociative until I was able to escape to boarding school and never look back.

I wanted to share in this post how very severe it was and is. Just 3 seconds of

email contact cost me about 4 hours of my life. That is huge. That is wrong.

Unfortunate as it may be, in some cases NC is justified, it's what's best for

the world, it's the path to least suffering, overall. I truly believe this.

But it's hard to know that every FOO and extended FOO member is WANTING me to

come back in contact, every second of the day.

--Charlie

[Guest guest]

Wow, Charlie, I can only imagine what you must have lived through to respond to

an email heading with such intensity. I am sorry for what ever it is that you

had to endure and I am so glad that you have found the ways to protect yourself

that you obviously have. My wish for you is that you over time you find

strategies to become so solid in yourself that you can read these headings, but

still feel your feet on the ground, your breath in your chest, the love for

those you have chosen to be in your life, and the goodness in your heart.

HC

>

> Hi WTO,

>

> As someone who's been fully NC with my entire FOO for several years now, I am

learning more and more to believe my own truth, and to actually experience my

authentic reactions to nada--both in the past and the present.

>

> All FOO is blocked fully from my phone, which is well worth the extra few

dollars each month I have to pay AT & T. But unfortunately my email (which is

professional and can't be changed) does not have a full block feature. Instead

I can only send messages from certain addresses straight to the junk mail

folder. I try my hardest to never look in the junk mail, just delete it all,

but sometimes curiosity or fear or what have you gets the better of me, and I

look at the message subjects and senders before deleting them. I know that it's

been several holidays of NC and that nada is probably getting antsy and wants to

try and make me visit if she possibly can. I also have a fear that, although

I've never told them my current location or job, they might one day show up at

my work, which is findable on the internet.

>

> In fact, have nightmares that my family shows up at my place of work.

>

> But that's nothing. I am struck by how truly extreme the HARM is, from even

minimal 'contact' with nada, and that's what I wanted to share. The other day I

saw a message from her in my junk, with 'no subject'. I deleted without

reading. But, knowing what it would be about (pressure for a visit and pressure

for me to feel like an undesirable 'old maid' since the golden child sibling

recently married)--Just knowing that, just seeing the message for a split

second, caused me damage. The exact same kindof damage I used to experience

when I was in contact with her on a much larger scale.

>

> First of all there was a terror nightmare. I dreamed that I was being

attached by a huge cadre of tarantulas in the yard outside my childhood home.

Then, there was the *venom in me the next day. I woke up without the

wherewithal to even MOVE. It was like I had been injected with spider venom. I

had to FORCE myself, I mean FORCE, to get up and make coffee and move around.

It was not easy. I then had to write in my journal and process my

reaction--again, just to looking at the message header and deleting it!!--and

this took about 3 hours. I had to think, and think, write and write, talk to

myself, and read a few posts here. Only when I fully understood and BELIEVED

what had happened to me--that nada had purposefully tried to harm me, that with

my ptsd I experienced it like a venom--did I start to feel the depression lift

and actually have the emotional energy to dress and go to work.

>

> In past months, after seeing messages from other foo members (without even

reading them!) I have had terrible nightmares, disturbing ones--I've dreamed

that my nada was the little girl from the exorcist who was going to 'get' me

however demons do; I've dreamed that I poisoned my father and then chopped off

his limbs and head; I've dreamed that I was in church and the priest kicked me

out and punished me; and those man-eating spiders, just keep comin'.

>

> I see now that it's true, really, wholly TRUE, that my nada is a physical

threat to me. This 'lack of will' I get from even minimal contact with her is

even more severe when I actually see her. I remember being able to sleep for 22

hours a day, weeks at a time, during grad school visits, or in high school

before I moved out. Nada keeps me from being able to meet my public obligations

and participate in the world, by triggering me into this dissociative haze--I

don't lose time, or have multiple personalities, or do drugs--I just. FREEZE.

I just sleep. I lose all WILL, to even breathe.

>

> This may have kept me 'safe' as a child but now it is detrimental. Obviously!

And when I'm not freezing up from just the lack of will to move that her venom

causes, then I'm feeling an abject despair, getting caught up in 'believing' her

truth (that I am isolated, abandoned, undesirable). And then I am in so much

pain that it can even become self-threatening, just to end the pain. I can't

even imagine this now, I am so far from it--but when I am around nada, it DOES

happen.

>

> I think I am writing this to validate how much of a threat toxic nadas can

truly be, to validate anyone who is considering going NC for their own safety,

even if they don't have an obvious 'threat' such as nada coming at you with a

knife, hitting you, etc. I think that, when and if one gains REAL distance from

a nada, it can be astounding. How MUCH harm contact with her really does.

>

> Even in the high-functioning cases. My nada was attractive and noone in the

family has ever even considered putting her in any kind of home or treatment for

mental illness. Yet I know her to be a child molester and emotional and

physical torturer. Although it was very rarely physical, and mildly physical

when it was so, my nada's abuse was truly, honestly extreme. I was split black

and to my nada this meant fixating on my appearance and my feminity. She was

obsessed with trying to make me feel 'disgusting' in both of those areas, and

believe me, it was traumatic. My nada was also a hermit extraordinairre, and

she would tell me gruesome things over and over under the guise of protecting

me, like, 'you're gonna cut your finger off with that knife', 'you're gonna poke

your eye out with those scissors'. To this day, when I'm too tired or stressed

to block out my normal burned-in thought patterns, I walk around the house

seeing a horror movie in every darned appliance. And there were also physical

threats and threats of annihilation from my narcissist father as well.

>

> Yet from the outside this would be very hard to see with the untrained eye. I

was fed. There was a house. I showed up at school and made good grades. There

were no serious health problems or injuries. They never hit me--at least not

after I was 7 or so. There was just me, becoming more and more miserable and

dissociative until I was able to escape to boarding school and never look back.

>

> I wanted to share in this post how very severe it was and is. Just 3 seconds

of email contact cost me about 4 hours of my life. That is huge. That is

wrong. Unfortunate as it may be, in some cases NC is justified, it's what's

best for the world, it's the path to least suffering, overall. I truly believe

this. But it's hard to know that every FOO and extended FOO member is WANTING

me to come back in contact, every second of the day.

>

> --Charlie

>

[Guest guest]

(((((charlotte)))))

Thank you for posting your experiences. I can totally relate to how devastating

emotional abuse can be, particularly when its covert abuse from a

high-functioning parent or parents who seem just oh so nice and normal to those

they are not victimizing. I truly think that in some cases the behaviors we

describe here are more due to psychopathy or perhaps psychotic disorders instead

of, or in addition to, personality disorders.

I agree that when even minimal contact produces such severe stress reactions,

its necessary for the abuse victim to cut all contact for her own health and

safety. There should be no shame or guilt in merely protecting yourself from

further trauma. There are no moral or ethical breaches committed by removing

yourself from harm.

I think we need to pay attention to our bodies and our psyches to tell us when

something is badly wrong with our environment or situation. Your nightmares

sound like they could be ptsd symptoms, triggered by contact.

I decided to go No Contact with my nada several years ago partly because I found

that accepting phone calls from my nada had begun to result in debilitating

physical symptoms for me: after concluding an unwanted phone call from my nada,

I'd suddenly feel very dizzy like the room was spinning, a strikingly painful

headache would hit, I'd get a very loud ringing in my ears, and I'd feel

nauseated. After crawling to the bathroom to vomit, I'd make my way somehow

into bed and sleep for about 12 hours straight, no matter what time of day it

was.

(From what I've researched, this is very like Meniere's Disease but I think it

was due to my own blocked and repressed rage erupting as an extreme spike in

blood pressure. For whatever reason I could not release my rage at nada, so I

turned it against myself.)

So, anyway, I just wanted to share that I hear you, and I understand what you

are experiencing. You are not alone.

-Annie

>

> Hi WTO,

>

> As someone who's been fully NC with my entire FOO for several years now, I am

learning more and more to believe my own truth, and to actually experience my

authentic reactions to nada--both in the past and the present.

>

> All FOO is blocked fully from my phone, which is well worth the extra few

dollars each month I have to pay AT & T. But unfortunately my email (which is

professional and can't be changed) does not have a full block feature. Instead

I can only send messages from certain addresses straight to the junk mail

folder. I try my hardest to never look in the junk mail, just delete it all,

but sometimes curiosity or fear or what have you gets the better of me, and I

look at the message subjects and senders before deleting them. I know that it's

been several holidays of NC and that nada is probably getting antsy and wants to

try and make me visit if she possibly can. I also have a fear that, although

I've never told them my current location or job, they might one day show up at

my work, which is findable on the internet.

>

> In fact, have nightmares that my family shows up at my place of work.

>

> But that's nothing. I am struck by how truly extreme the HARM is, from even

minimal 'contact' with nada, and that's what I wanted to share. The other day I

saw a message from her in my junk, with 'no subject'. I deleted without

reading. But, knowing what it would be about (pressure for a visit and pressure

for me to feel like an undesirable 'old maid' since the golden child sibling

recently married)--Just knowing that, just seeing the message for a split

second, caused me damage. The exact same kindof damage I used to experience

when I was in contact with her on a much larger scale.

>

> First of all there was a terror nightmare. I dreamed that I was being

attached by a huge cadre of tarantulas in the yard outside my childhood home.

Then, there was the *venom in me the next day. I woke up without the

wherewithal to even MOVE. It was like I had been injected with spider venom. I

had to FORCE myself, I mean FORCE, to get up and make coffee and move around.

It was not easy. I then had to write in my journal and process my

reaction--again, just to looking at the message header and deleting it!!--and

this took about 3 hours. I had to think, and think, write and write, talk to

myself, and read a few posts here. Only when I fully understood and BELIEVED

what had happened to me--that nada had purposefully tried to harm me, that with

my ptsd I experienced it like a venom--did I start to feel the depression lift

and actually have the emotional energy to dress and go to work.

>

> In past months, after seeing messages from other foo members (without even

reading them!) I have had terrible nightmares, disturbing ones--I've dreamed

that my nada was the little girl from the exorcist who was going to 'get' me

however demons do; I've dreamed that I poisoned my father and then chopped off

his limbs and head; I've dreamed that I was in church and the priest kicked me

out and punished me; and those man-eating spiders, just keep comin'.

>

> I see now that it's true, really, wholly TRUE, that my nada is a physical

threat to me. This 'lack of will' I get from even minimal contact with her is

even more severe when I actually see her. I remember being able to sleep for 22

hours a day, weeks at a time, during grad school visits, or in high school

before I moved out. Nada keeps me from being able to meet my public obligations

and participate in the world, by triggering me into this dissociative haze--I

don't lose time, or have multiple personalities, or do drugs--I just. FREEZE.

I just sleep. I lose all WILL, to even breathe.

>

> This may have kept me 'safe' as a child but now it is detrimental. Obviously!

And when I'm not freezing up from just the lack of will to move that her venom

causes, then I'm feeling an abject despair, getting caught up in 'believing' her

truth (that I am isolated, abandoned, undesirable). And then I am in so much

pain that it can even become self-threatening, just to end the pain. I can't

even imagine this now, I am so far from it--but when I am around nada, it DOES

happen.

>

> I think I am writing this to validate how much of a threat toxic nadas can

truly be, to validate anyone who is considering going NC for their own safety,

even if they don't have an obvious 'threat' such as nada coming at you with a

knife, hitting you, etc. I think that, when and if one gains REAL distance from

a nada, it can be astounding. How MUCH harm contact with her really does.

>

> Even in the high-functioning cases. My nada was attractive and noone in the

family has ever even considered putting her in any kind of home or treatment for

mental illness. Yet I know her to be a child molester and emotional and

physical torturer. Although it was very rarely physical, and mildly physical

when it was so, my nada's abuse was truly, honestly extreme. I was split black

and to my nada this meant fixating on my appearance and my feminity. She was

obsessed with trying to make me feel 'disgusting' in both of those areas, and

believe me, it was traumatic. My nada was also a hermit extraordinairre, and

she would tell me gruesome things over and over under the guise of protecting

me, like, 'you're gonna cut your finger off with that knife', 'you're gonna poke

your eye out with those scissors'. To this day, when I'm too tired or stressed

to block out my normal burned-in thought patterns, I walk around the house

seeing a horror movie in every darned appliance. And there were also physical

threats and threats of annihilation from my narcissist father as well.

>

> Yet from the outside this would be very hard to see with the untrained eye. I

was fed. There was a house. I showed up at school and made good grades. There

were no serious health problems or injuries. They never hit me--at least not

after I was 7 or so. There was just me, becoming more and more miserable and

dissociative until I was able to escape to boarding school and never look back.

>

> I wanted to share in this post how very severe it was and is. Just 3 seconds

of email contact cost me about 4 hours of my life. That is huge. That is

wrong. Unfortunate as it may be, in some cases NC is justified, it's what's

best for the world, it's the path to least suffering, overall. I truly believe

this. But it's hard to know that every FOO and extended FOO member is WANTING

me to come back in contact, every second of the day.

>

> --Charlie

>

[Guest guest]

Charlie, thank you so much for this post. You are giving readers a " window " on

the other side of NO CONTACT (NC) and letting us watch as you reset your brain

back to normal--a normal that has been a long hard journey to achieve.

Is it my imagination, or is there more mention of NC these days on the WTO? I

know that as my journey led me closer and closer to NC, I was overwhelmed by

feelings of shame and failure--that what I was doing was socially taboo and

somehow it had to be my fault that the FOO was unsafe, even dangerous. Your post

sheds light that there is life after FOO for a KO, and that NC brings blessed

relief, safety and countless positives. Life can be better than ever before.

As you point out, unlike other kids who remain happily oblivious, we have to

keep the barriers and boundaries strong. We must maintain firewalls on our

phones, email accounts and home addresses. Like any handicap or disability, we

are rendered " special needs " in terms of family contact and we may need help

from technology to keep ourselves protected and healthy. As your post clearly

shows, Charlie, you have adapted, you can reset and setbacks are only temporary

if you keep a healthy respect for your NC policy.

Thanks for letting us see your reset process.

Blessings,

AFB

>

> Hi WTO,

>

> As someone who's been fully NC with my entire FOO for several years now, I am

learning more and more to believe my own truth, and to actually experience my

authentic reactions to nada--both in the past and the present.

>

> All FOO is blocked fully from my phone, which is well worth the extra few

dollars each month I have to pay AT & T. But unfortunately my email (which is

professional and can't be changed) does not have a full block feature. Instead

I can only send messages from certain addresses straight to the junk mail

folder. I try my hardest to never look in the junk mail, just delete it all,

but sometimes curiosity or fear or what have you gets the better of me, and I

look at the message subjects and senders before deleting them. I know that it's

been several holidays of NC and that nada is probably getting antsy and wants to

try and make me visit if she possibly can. I also have a fear that, although

I've never told them my current location or job, they might one day show up at

my work, which is findable on the internet.

>

> In fact, have nightmares that my family shows up at my place of work.

>

> But that's nothing. I am struck by how truly extreme the HARM is, from even

minimal 'contact' with nada, and that's what I wanted to share. The other day I

saw a message from her in my junk, with 'no subject'. I deleted without

reading. But, knowing what it would be about (pressure for a visit and pressure

for me to feel like an undesirable 'old maid' since the golden child sibling

recently married)--Just knowing that, just seeing the message for a split

second, caused me damage. The exact same kindof damage I used to experience

when I was in contact with her on a much larger scale.

>

> First of all there was a terror nightmare. I dreamed that I was being

attached by a huge cadre of tarantulas in the yard outside my childhood home.

Then, there was the *venom in me the next day. I woke up without the

wherewithal to even MOVE. It was like I had been injected with spider venom. I

had to FORCE myself, I mean FORCE, to get up and make coffee and move around.

It was not easy. I then had to write in my journal and process my

reaction--again, just to looking at the message header and deleting it!!--and

this took about 3 hours. I had to think, and think, write and write, talk to

myself, and read a few posts here. Only when I fully understood and BELIEVED

what had happened to me--that nada had purposefully tried to harm me, that with

my ptsd I experienced it like a venom--did I start to feel the depression lift

and actually have the emotional energy to dress and go to work.

>

> In past months, after seeing messages from other foo members (without even

reading them!) I have had terrible nightmares, disturbing ones--I've dreamed

that my nada was the little girl from the exorcist who was going to 'get' me

however demons do; I've dreamed that I poisoned my father and then chopped off

his limbs and head; I've dreamed that I was in church and the priest kicked me

out and punished me; and those man-eating spiders, just keep comin'.

>

> I see now that it's true, really, wholly TRUE, that my nada is a physical

threat to me. This 'lack of will' I get from even minimal contact with her is

even more severe when I actually see her. I remember being able to sleep for 22

hours a day, weeks at a time, during grad school visits, or in high school

before I moved out. Nada keeps me from being able to meet my public obligations

and participate in the world, by triggering me into this dissociative haze--I

don't lose time, or have multiple personalities, or do drugs--I just. FREEZE.

I just sleep. I lose all WILL, to even breathe.

>

> This may have kept me 'safe' as a child but now it is detrimental. Obviously!

And when I'm not freezing up from just the lack of will to move that her venom

causes, then I'm feeling an abject despair, getting caught up in 'believing' her

truth (that I am isolated, abandoned, undesirable). And then I am in so much

pain that it can even become self-threatening, just to end the pain. I can't

even imagine this now, I am so far from it--but when I am around nada, it DOES

happen.

>

> I think I am writing this to validate how much of a threat toxic nadas can

truly be, to validate anyone who is considering going NC for their own safety,

even if they don't have an obvious 'threat' such as nada coming at you with a

knife, hitting you, etc. I think that, when and if one gains REAL distance from

a nada, it can be astounding. How MUCH harm contact with her really does.

>

> Even in the high-functioning cases. My nada was attractive and noone in the

family has ever even considered putting her in any kind of home or treatment for

mental illness. Yet I know her to be a child molester and emotional and

physical torturer. Although it was very rarely physical, and mildly physical

when it was so, my nada's abuse was truly, honestly extreme. I was split black

and to my nada this meant fixating on my appearance and my feminity. She was

obsessed with trying to make me feel 'disgusting' in both of those areas, and

believe me, it was traumatic. My nada was also a hermit extraordinairre, and

she would tell me gruesome things over and over under the guise of protecting

me, like, 'you're gonna cut your finger off with that knife', 'you're gonna poke

your eye out with those scissors'. To this day, when I'm too tired or stressed

to block out my normal burned-in thought patterns, I walk around the house

seeing a horror movie in every darned appliance. And there were also physical

threats and threats of annihilation from my narcissist father as well.

>

> Yet from the outside this would be very hard to see with the untrained eye. I

was fed. There was a house. I showed up at school and made good grades. There

were no serious health problems or injuries. They never hit me--at least not

after I was 7 or so. There was just me, becoming more and more miserable and

dissociative until I was able to escape to boarding school and never look back.

>

> I wanted to share in this post how very severe it was and is. Just 3 seconds

of email contact cost me about 4 hours of my life. That is huge. That is

wrong. Unfortunate as it may be, in some cases NC is justified, it's what's

best for the world, it's the path to least suffering, overall. I truly believe

this. But it's hard to know that every FOO and extended FOO member is WANTING

me to come back in contact, every second of the day.

>

> --Charlie

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Charlie,

I am also NC with my nada and it was a hard yet great decision that I made for

me and my own family. I have also blocked nada from my cell phone and I have

moved so that she does not know where I live. I really wish that someone would

create a " block " feature for emails so that they didn't just get sent to our

junk mail. I knew nada would fill my inbox with emails if I didn't do something,

so my last email to her was that any future emails she sent me would be blocked.

I then created a fake template. I replied to the email nada sent but I changed

the subject to: Delivery Status Notification (Failure)

Inside the email looks like this:

<Message Blocked>

This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification.

Delivery to the following recipients failed.

(Insert your email here)

This email and any files transmitted with it is sent on behalf of one or more of

the parties listed above.

It is private and confidential and intended solely for the use of the

individual(s) to whom it addresses.

Nada isn't super computer savvy, so she buys it. If your nada knows her way

around computers it may not work, but either way it gets the message across that

I don't want any emails from her. You have to be persistent though and send it

every time nada sends an email. After just a few tries, nada gave up and I

haven't received an email from her in a long time.

Our nadas can absolutely be physical threats to us even from far away. Like

yours, my nada was also fixated on my appearance, especially my weight. I have

never been over-weight, but nada constantly attacked my weight. Even when I was

a small child she attacked my weight. I have always been self-conscious of my

weight because of it. Before I went NC, I got really sick. I had rashes all over

my body and ended up in the emergency room so many times because of it. I would

be given cortizone shots and sent home being told I was having an allergic

reaction to something even though I had never had allergies before. I saw so

many doctors and specialists who could not figure out what was wrong with me.

This went on for almost a year. I was miserable and coincidentally my

relationship with nada was at one of it's worst points. I finally decided to see

a therapist who really helped me and turned me on to " Stop Walking on Eggshells "

and I realized that the body takes on what the mind can't handle. My stress was

manifesting itself in physical ways. I eventually got better and went NC. I feel

better. My relationships with other people are better. I get less migraines.

Sometimes NC is just necessary. I'll admit, I still have nightmares, but at

least I'm not living the nightmares anymore.

Know you are not alone in your struggles.

>

> Hi WTO,

>

> As someone who's been fully NC with my entire FOO for several years now, I am

learning more and more to believe my own truth, and to actually experience my

authentic reactions to nada--both in the past and the present.

>

> All FOO is blocked fully from my phone, which is well worth the extra few

dollars each month I have to pay AT & T. But unfortunately my email (which is

professional and can't be changed) does not have a full block feature. Instead

I can only send messages from certain addresses straight to the junk mail

folder. I try my hardest to never look in the junk mail, just delete it all,

but sometimes curiosity or fear or what have you gets the better of me, and I

look at the message subjects and senders before deleting them. I know that it's

been several holidays of NC and that nada is probably getting antsy and wants to

try and make me visit if she possibly can. I also have a fear that, although

I've never told them my current location or job, they might one day show up at

my work, which is findable on the internet.

>

> In fact, have nightmares that my family shows up at my place of work.

>

> But that's nothing. I am struck by how truly extreme the HARM is, from even

minimal 'contact' with nada, and that's what I wanted to share. The other day I

saw a message from her in my junk, with 'no subject'. I deleted without

reading. But, knowing what it would be about (pressure for a visit and pressure

for me to feel like an undesirable 'old maid' since the golden child sibling

recently married)--Just knowing that, just seeing the message for a split

second, caused me damage. The exact same kindof damage I used to experience

when I was in contact with her on a much larger scale.

>

> First of all there was a terror nightmare. I dreamed that I was being

attached by a huge cadre of tarantulas in the yard outside my childhood home.

Then, there was the *venom in me the next day. I woke up without the

wherewithal to even MOVE. It was like I had been injected with spider venom. I

had to FORCE myself, I mean FORCE, to get up and make coffee and move around.

It was not easy. I then had to write in my journal and process my

reaction--again, just to looking at the message header and deleting it!!--and

this took about 3 hours. I had to think, and think, write and write, talk to

myself, and read a few posts here. Only when I fully understood and BELIEVED

what had happened to me--that nada had purposefully tried to harm me, that with

my ptsd I experienced it like a venom--did I start to feel the depression lift

and actually have the emotional energy to dress and go to work.

>

> In past months, after seeing messages from other foo members (without even

reading them!) I have had terrible nightmares, disturbing ones--I've dreamed

that my nada was the little girl from the exorcist who was going to 'get' me

however demons do; I've dreamed that I poisoned my father and then chopped off

his limbs and head; I've dreamed that I was in church and the priest kicked me

out and punished me; and those man-eating spiders, just keep comin'.

>

> I see now that it's true, really, wholly TRUE, that my nada is a physical

threat to me. This 'lack of will' I get from even minimal contact with her is

even more severe when I actually see her. I remember being able to sleep for 22

hours a day, weeks at a time, during grad school visits, or in high school

before I moved out. Nada keeps me from being able to meet my public obligations

and participate in the world, by triggering me into this dissociative haze--I

don't lose time, or have multiple personalities, or do drugs--I just. FREEZE.

I just sleep. I lose all WILL, to even breathe.

>

> This may have kept me 'safe' as a child but now it is detrimental. Obviously!

And when I'm not freezing up from just the lack of will to move that her venom

causes, then I'm feeling an abject despair, getting caught up in 'believing' her

truth (that I am isolated, abandoned, undesirable). And then I am in so much

pain that it can even become self-threatening, just to end the pain. I can't

even imagine this now, I am so far from it--but when I am around nada, it DOES

happen.

>

> I think I am writing this to validate how much of a threat toxic nadas can

truly be, to validate anyone who is considering going NC for their own safety,

even if they don't have an obvious 'threat' such as nada coming at you with a

knife, hitting you, etc. I think that, when and if one gains REAL distance from

a nada, it can be astounding. How MUCH harm contact with her really does.

>

> Even in the high-functioning cases. My nada was attractive and noone in the

family has ever even considered putting her in any kind of home or treatment for

mental illness. Yet I know her to be a child molester and emotional and

physical torturer. Although it was very rarely physical, and mildly physical

when it was so, my nada's abuse was truly, honestly extreme. I was split black

and to my nada this meant fixating on my appearance and my feminity. She was

obsessed with trying to make me feel 'disgusting' in both of those areas, and

believe me, it was traumatic. My nada was also a hermit extraordinairre, and

she would tell me gruesome things over and over under the guise of protecting

me, like, 'you're gonna cut your finger off with that knife', 'you're gonna poke

your eye out with those scissors'. To this day, when I'm too tired or stressed

to block out my normal burned-in thought patterns, I walk around the house

seeing a horror movie in every darned appliance. And there were also physical

threats and threats of annihilation from my narcissist father as well.

>

> Yet from the outside this would be very hard to see with the untrained eye. I

was fed. There was a house. I showed up at school and made good grades. There

were no serious health problems or injuries. They never hit me--at least not

after I was 7 or so. There was just me, becoming more and more miserable and

dissociative until I was able to escape to boarding school and never look back.

>

> I wanted to share in this post how very severe it was and is. Just 3 seconds

of email contact cost me about 4 hours of my life. That is huge. That is

wrong. Unfortunate as it may be, in some cases NC is justified, it's what's

best for the world, it's the path to least suffering, overall. I truly believe

this. But it's hard to know that every FOO and extended FOO member is WANTING

me to come back in contact, every second of the day.

>

> --Charlie

>

[Guest guest]

That's an awesome trick with the delivery failure thing. I'll have to file that

one away. I can think of more than a few people it would be very helpful for,

lol. I'm not nc with Nada yet, if only because I still like talking to the rest

of my foo, but I'm very lc with her. Superficial texting only and only about

every other week. It works for now.

>

>

> Hi Charlie,

>

> I am also NC with my nada and it was a hard yet great decision that I made for

me and my own family. I have also blocked nada from my cell phone and I have

moved so that she does not know where I live. I really wish that someone would

create a " block " feature for emails so that they didn't just get sent to our

junk mail. I knew nada would fill my inbox with emails if I didn't do something,

so my last email to her was that any future emails she sent me would be blocked.

I then created a fake template. I replied to the email nada sent but I changed

the subject to: Delivery Status Notification (Failure)

>

> Inside the email looks like this:

>

> <Message Blocked>

>

> This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification.

>

> Delivery to the following recipients failed.

>

> (Insert your email here)

>

> This email and any files transmitted with it is sent on behalf of one or more

of the parties listed above.

> It is private and confidential and intended solely for the use of the

individual(s) to whom it addresses.

>

> Nada isn't super computer savvy, so she buys it. If your nada knows her way

around computers it may not work, but either way it gets the message across that

I don't want any emails from her. You have to be persistent though and send it

every time nada sends an email. After just a few tries, nada gave up and I

haven't received an email from her in a long time.

>

> Our nadas can absolutely be physical threats to us even from far away. Like

yours, my nada was also fixated on my appearance, especially my weight. I have

never been over-weight, but nada constantly attacked my weight. Even when I was

a small child she attacked my weight. I have always been self-conscious of my

weight because of it. Before I went NC, I got really sick. I had rashes all over

my body and ended up in the emergency room so many times because of it. I would

be given cortizone shots and sent home being told I was having an allergic

reaction to something even though I had never had allergies before. I saw so

many doctors and specialists who could not figure out what was wrong with me.

This went on for almost a year. I was miserable and coincidentally my

relationship with nada was at one of it's worst points. I finally decided to see

a therapist who really helped me and turned me on to " Stop Walking on Eggshells "

and I realized that the body takes on what the mind can't handle. My stress was

manifesting itself in physical ways. I eventually got better and went NC. I feel

better. My relationships with other people are better. I get less migraines.

Sometimes NC is just necessary. I'll admit, I still have nightmares, but at

least I'm not living the nightmares anymore.

>

> Know you are not alone in your struggles.

>

>

> >

> > Hi WTO,

> >

> > As someone who's been fully NC with my entire FOO for several years now, I

am learning more and more to believe my own truth, and to actually experience my

authentic reactions to nada--both in the past and the present.

> >

> > All FOO is blocked fully from my phone, which is well worth the extra few

dollars each month I have to pay AT & T. But unfortunately my email (which is

professional and can't be changed) does not have a full block feature. Instead I

can only send messages from certain addresses straight to the junk mail folder.

I try my hardest to never look in the junk mail, just delete it all, but

sometimes curiosity or fear or what have you gets the better of me, and I look

at the message subjects and senders before deleting them. I know that it's been

several holidays of NC and that nada is probably getting antsy and wants to try

and make me visit if she possibly can. I also have a fear that, although I've

never told them my current location or job, they might one day show up at my

work, which is findable on the internet.

> >

> > In fact, have nightmares that my family shows up at my place of work.

> >

> > But that's nothing. I am struck by how truly extreme the HARM is, from even

minimal 'contact' with nada, and that's what I wanted to share. The other day I

saw a message from her in my junk, with 'no subject'. I deleted without reading.

But, knowing what it would be about (pressure for a visit and pressure for me to

feel like an undesirable 'old maid' since the golden child sibling recently

married)--Just knowing that, just seeing the message for a split second, caused

me damage. The exact same kindof damage I used to experience when I was in

contact with her on a much larger scale.

> >

> > First of all there was a terror nightmare. I dreamed that I was being

attached by a huge cadre of tarantulas in the yard outside my childhood home.

Then, there was the *venom in me the next day. I woke up without the wherewithal

to even MOVE. It was like I had been injected with spider venom. I had to FORCE

myself, I mean FORCE, to get up and make coffee and move around. It was not

easy. I then had to write in my journal and process my reaction--again, just to

looking at the message header and deleting it!!--and this took about 3 hours. I

had to think, and think, write and write, talk to myself, and read a few posts

here. Only when I fully understood and BELIEVED what had happened to me--that

nada had purposefully tried to harm me, that with my ptsd I experienced it like

a venom--did I start to feel the depression lift and actually have the emotional

energy to dress and go to work.

> >

> > In past months, after seeing messages from other foo members (without even

reading them!) I have had terrible nightmares, disturbing ones--I've dreamed

that my nada was the little girl from the exorcist who was going to 'get' me

however demons do; I've dreamed that I poisoned my father and then chopped off

his limbs and head; I've dreamed that I was in church and the priest kicked me

out and punished me; and those man-eating spiders, just keep comin'.

> >

> > I see now that it's true, really, wholly TRUE, that my nada is a physical

threat to me. This 'lack of will' I get from even minimal contact with her is

even more severe when I actually see her. I remember being able to sleep for 22

hours a day, weeks at a time, during grad school visits, or in high school

before I moved out. Nada keeps me from being able to meet my public obligations

and participate in the world, by triggering me into this dissociative haze--I

don't lose time, or have multiple personalities, or do drugs--I just. FREEZE. I

just sleep. I lose all WILL, to even breathe.

> >

> > This may have kept me 'safe' as a child but now it is detrimental.

Obviously! And when I'm not freezing up from just the lack of will to move that

her venom causes, then I'm feeling an abject despair, getting caught up in

'believing' her truth (that I am isolated, abandoned, undesirable). And then I

am in so much pain that it can even become self-threatening, just to end the

pain. I can't even imagine this now, I am so far from it--but when I am around

nada, it DOES happen.

> >

> > I think I am writing this to validate how much of a threat toxic nadas can

truly be, to validate anyone who is considering going NC for their own safety,

even if they don't have an obvious 'threat' such as nada coming at you with a

knife, hitting you, etc. I think that, when and if one gains REAL distance from

a nada, it can be astounding. How MUCH harm contact with her really does.

> >

> > Even in the high-functioning cases. My nada was attractive and noone in the

family has ever even considered putting her in any kind of home or treatment for

mental illness. Yet I know her to be a child molester and emotional and physical

torturer. Although it was very rarely physical, and mildly physical when it was

so, my nada's abuse was truly, honestly extreme. I was split black and to my

nada this meant fixating on my appearance and my feminity. She was obsessed with

trying to make me feel 'disgusting' in both of those areas, and believe me, it

was traumatic. My nada was also a hermit extraordinairre, and she would tell me

gruesome things over and over under the guise of protecting me, like, 'you're

gonna cut your finger off with that knife', 'you're gonna poke your eye out with

those scissors'. To this day, when I'm too tired or stressed to block out my

normal burned-in thought patterns, I walk around the house seeing a horror movie

in every darned appliance. And there were also physical threats and threats of

annihilation from my narcissist father as well.

> >

> > Yet from the outside this would be very hard to see with the untrained eye.

I was fed. There was a house. I showed up at school and made good grades. There

were no serious health problems or injuries. They never hit me--at least not

after I was 7 or so. There was just me, becoming more and more miserable and

dissociative until I was able to escape to boarding school and never look back.

> >

> > I wanted to share in this post how very severe it was and is. Just 3 seconds

of email contact cost me about 4 hours of my life. That is huge. That is wrong.

Unfortunate as it may be, in some cases NC is justified, it's what's best for

the world, it's the path to least suffering, overall. I truly believe this. But

it's hard to know that every FOO and extended FOO member is WANTING me to come

back in contact, every second of the day.

> >

> > --Charlie

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much to everyone who responded to this post. I really needed the

validation! I do remember Annie's story in particular about nadas actually

causing physical suffering. So I'm not suprised there are others as well. I

know that some of my physical symptoms also subsided when I went NC.

One of the most important things that real distance is done for me, is helped me

to properly identify my triggers of anxiety. It's been something like 7 years

since I first learned of bpd--but it was only last month that I fully identified

why it is so difficult for me to get dressed for work in the mornings. It's

because when I tried to head out the door, that's when nada would do her

molesting or verbal abuse on that subject. For me it was like the bed that some

abused now fear. Is it no wonder I prefer dress down days and days where I get

to work at home? But this piece of knowledge has helped me to talk to myself

and to so much better understand what I'm going through.

Unfortunately it takes pretty much full NC to be able to come to these

revelations. But it does not have to be announced, (I didn't) and it does not

have to be permanent (I will see the FOO I like again one day, when I'm

ready)--you can just START it, if you need to. It's not revenge, it's not

Justice, it's just healing and basic survival, which any living being has a

right to. Any KOs who are considering this, I'm here to support you!

Best,

Charlie

> > >

> > > Hi WTO,

> > >

> > > As someone who's been fully NC with my entire FOO for several years now, I

am learning more and more to believe my own truth, and to actually experience my

authentic reactions to nada--both in the past and the present.

> > >

> > > All FOO is blocked fully from my phone, which is well worth the extra few

dollars each month I have to pay AT & T. But unfortunately my email (which is

professional and can't be changed) does not have a full block feature. Instead I

can only send messages from certain addresses straight to the junk mail folder.

I try my hardest to never look in the junk mail, just delete it all, but

sometimes curiosity or fear or what have you gets the better of me, and I look

at the message subjects and senders before deleting them. I know that it's been

several holidays of NC and that nada is probably getting antsy and wants to try

and make me visit if she possibly can. I also have a fear that, although I've

never told them my current location or job, they might one day show up at my

work, which is findable on the internet.

> > >

> > > In fact, have nightmares that my family shows up at my place of work.

> > >

> > > But that's nothing. I am struck by how truly extreme the HARM is, from

even minimal 'contact' with nada, and that's what I wanted to share. The other

day I saw a message from her in my junk, with 'no subject'. I deleted without

reading. But, knowing what it would be about (pressure for a visit and pressure

for me to feel like an undesirable 'old maid' since the golden child sibling

recently married)--Just knowing that, just seeing the message for a split

second, caused me damage. The exact same kindof damage I used to experience when

I was in contact with her on a much larger scale.

> > >

> > > First of all there was a terror nightmare. I dreamed that I was being

attached by a huge cadre of tarantulas in the yard outside my childhood home.

Then, there was the *venom in me the next day. I woke up without the wherewithal

to even MOVE. It was like I had been injected with spider venom. I had to FORCE

myself, I mean FORCE, to get up and make coffee and move around. It was not

easy. I then had to write in my journal and process my reaction--again, just to

looking at the message header and deleting it!!--and this took about 3 hours. I

had to think, and think, write and write, talk to myself, and read a few posts

here. Only when I fully understood and BELIEVED what had happened to me--that

nada had purposefully tried to harm me, that with my ptsd I experienced it like

a venom--did I start to feel the depression lift and actually have the emotional

energy to dress and go to work.

> > >

> > > In past months, after seeing messages from other foo members (without even

reading them!) I have had terrible nightmares, disturbing ones--I've dreamed

that my nada was the little girl from the exorcist who was going to 'get' me

however demons do; I've dreamed that I poisoned my father and then chopped off

his limbs and head; I've dreamed that I was in church and the priest kicked me

out and punished me; and those man-eating spiders, just keep comin'.

> > >

> > > I see now that it's true, really, wholly TRUE, that my nada is a physical

threat to me. This 'lack of will' I get from even minimal contact with her is

even more severe when I actually see her. I remember being able to sleep for 22

hours a day, weeks at a time, during grad school visits, or in high school

before I moved out. Nada keeps me from being able to meet my public obligations

and participate in the world, by triggering me into this dissociative haze--I

don't lose time, or have multiple personalities, or do drugs--I just. FREEZE. I

just sleep. I lose all WILL, to even breathe.

> > >

> > > This may have kept me 'safe' as a child but now it is detrimental.

Obviously! And when I'm not freezing up from just the lack of will to move that

her venom causes, then I'm feeling an abject despair, getting caught up in

'believing' her truth (that I am isolated, abandoned, undesirable). And then I

am in so much pain that it can even become self-threatening, just to end the

pain. I can't even imagine this now, I am so far from it--but when I am around

nada, it DOES happen.

> > >

> > > I think I am writing this to validate how much of a threat toxic nadas can

truly be, to validate anyone who is considering going NC for their own safety,

even if they don't have an obvious 'threat' such as nada coming at you with a

knife, hitting you, etc. I think that, when and if one gains REAL distance from

a nada, it can be astounding. How MUCH harm contact with her really does.

> > >

> > > Even in the high-functioning cases. My nada was attractive and noone in

the family has ever even considered putting her in any kind of home or treatment

for mental illness. Yet I know her to be a child molester and emotional and

physical torturer. Although it was very rarely physical, and mildly physical

when it was so, my nada's abuse was truly, honestly extreme. I was split black

and to my nada this meant fixating on my appearance and my feminity. She was

obsessed with trying to make me feel 'disgusting' in both of those areas, and

believe me, it was traumatic. My nada was also a hermit extraordinairre, and she

would tell me gruesome things over and over under the guise of protecting me,

like, 'you're gonna cut your finger off with that knife', 'you're gonna poke

your eye out with those scissors'. To this day, when I'm too tired or stressed

to block out my normal burned-in thought patterns, I walk around the house

seeing a horror movie in every darned appliance. And there were also physical

threats and threats of annihilation from my narcissist father as well.

> > >

> > > Yet from the outside this would be very hard to see with the untrained

eye. I was fed. There was a house. I showed up at school and made good grades.

There were no serious health problems or injuries. They never hit me--at least

not after I was 7 or so. There was just me, becoming more and more miserable and

dissociative until I was able to escape to boarding school and never look back.

> > >

> > > I wanted to share in this post how very severe it was and is. Just 3

seconds of email contact cost me about 4 hours of my life. That is huge. That is

wrong. Unfortunate as it may be, in some cases NC is justified, it's what's best

for the world, it's the path to least suffering, overall. I truly believe this.

But it's hard to know that every FOO and extended FOO member is WANTING me to

come back in contact, every second of the day.

> > >

> > > --Charlie

> > >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

After many years of LC, I have again reached a point of needing NC. Although

last time I was very, very angry. This time I know about the BPD and have

processed a lot of the anger and resentment. However I haven't found a way to

not be fearful of nada, nor have I found a way to not be physically ill from the

grief and fear.

I love it that you say NC does not need to be announced. For some strange reason

I always feel honor bound to be honest with my parents about my feelings (maybe

because they are not?). But you are right, announcing it just gives them another

weapon/wedge against my sanity.

The last period I was NC was the most intense growth period of my life--I took

career choices and life choices I would have never taken with nada looking over

my shoulder. This time I have to do it for my health.

>

> Unfortunately it takes pretty much full NC to be able to come to these

revelations. But it does not have to be announced, (I didn't) and it does not

have to be permanent

[Guest guest]

yeah, I feel that " honor-bound " thing, too. But I agree, it's not necessary.

i'm glad you're doing the right thing for yourself. You must.

>

> >

> > Unfortunately it takes pretty much full NC to be able to come to these

revelations. But it does not have to be announced, (I didn't) and it does not

have to be permanent

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Fiona :-)

> >

> > >

> > > Unfortunately it takes pretty much full NC to be able to come to these

revelations. But it does not have to be announced, (I didn't) and it does not

have to be permanent

> >

>

[Guest guest]

HUH, I've had ringing in my ears for so long now, I'm not sure what it would be

like to NOT hear a constant ringing. When I am tired, like I am right now, it is

worse. it is incredibly bad when I haven't slept in over 48 hours. I remember it

being so bad that I couldn't hear the dialogue at a movie AT THE THEATER!!! I

never thought to put that together with PTSD or nada, other than thinking it may

have come from being smacked in the head one too many times. That's something to

think about.

> >

> > Hi WTO,

> >

> > As someone who's been fully NC with my entire FOO for several years now, I

am learning more and more to believe my own truth, and to actually experience my

authentic reactions to nada--both in the past and the present.

> >

> > All FOO is blocked fully from my phone, which is well worth the extra few

dollars each month I have to pay AT & T. But unfortunately my email (which is

professional and can't be changed) does not have a full block feature. Instead

I can only send messages from certain addresses straight to the junk mail

folder. I try my hardest to never look in the junk mail, just delete it all,

but sometimes curiosity or fear or what have you gets the better of me, and I

look at the message subjects and senders before deleting them. I know that it's

been several holidays of NC and that nada is probably getting antsy and wants to

try and make me visit if she possibly can. I also have a fear that, although

I've never told them my current location or job, they might one day show up at

my work, which is findable on the internet.

> >

> > In fact, have nightmares that my family shows up at my place of work.

> >

> > But that's nothing. I am struck by how truly extreme the HARM is, from even

minimal 'contact' with nada, and that's what I wanted to share. The other day I

saw a message from her in my junk, with 'no subject'. I deleted without

reading. But, knowing what it would be about (pressure for a visit and pressure

for me to feel like an undesirable 'old maid' since the golden child sibling

recently married)--Just knowing that, just seeing the message for a split

second, caused me damage. The exact same kindof damage I used to experience

when I was in contact with her on a much larger scale.

> >

> > First of all there was a terror nightmare. I dreamed that I was being

attached by a huge cadre of tarantulas in the yard outside my childhood home.

Then, there was the *venom in me the next day. I woke up without the

wherewithal to even MOVE. It was like I had been injected with spider venom. I

had to FORCE myself, I mean FORCE, to get up and make coffee and move around.

It was not easy. I then had to write in my journal and process my

reaction--again, just to looking at the message header and deleting it!!--and

this took about 3 hours. I had to think, and think, write and write, talk to

myself, and read a few posts here. Only when I fully understood and BELIEVED

what had happened to me--that nada had purposefully tried to harm me, that with

my ptsd I experienced it like a venom--did I start to feel the depression lift

and actually have the emotional energy to dress and go to work.

> >

> > In past months, after seeing messages from other foo members (without even

reading them!) I have had terrible nightmares, disturbing ones--I've dreamed

that my nada was the little girl from the exorcist who was going to 'get' me

however demons do; I've dreamed that I poisoned my father and then chopped off

his limbs and head; I've dreamed that I was in church and the priest kicked me

out and punished me; and those man-eating spiders, just keep comin'.

> >

> > I see now that it's true, really, wholly TRUE, that my nada is a physical

threat to me. This 'lack of will' I get from even minimal contact with her is

even more severe when I actually see her. I remember being able to sleep for 22

hours a day, weeks at a time, during grad school visits, or in high school

before I moved out. Nada keeps me from being able to meet my public obligations

and participate in the world, by triggering me into this dissociative haze--I

don't lose time, or have multiple personalities, or do drugs--I just. FREEZE.

I just sleep. I lose all WILL, to even breathe.

> >

> > This may have kept me 'safe' as a child but now it is detrimental.

Obviously! And when I'm not freezing up from just the lack of will to move that

her venom causes, then I'm feeling an abject despair, getting caught up in

'believing' her truth (that I am isolated, abandoned, undesirable). And then I

am in so much pain that it can even become self-threatening, just to end the

pain. I can't even imagine this now, I am so far from it--but when I am around

nada, it DOES happen.

> >

> > I think I am writing this to validate how much of a threat toxic nadas can

truly be, to validate anyone who is considering going NC for their own safety,

even if they don't have an obvious 'threat' such as nada coming at you with a

knife, hitting you, etc. I think that, when and if one gains REAL distance from

a nada, it can be astounding. How MUCH harm contact with her really does.

> >

> > Even in the high-functioning cases. My nada was attractive and noone in the

family has ever even considered putting her in any kind of home or treatment for

mental illness. Yet I know her to be a child molester and emotional and

physical torturer. Although it was very rarely physical, and mildly physical

when it was so, my nada's abuse was truly, honestly extreme. I was split black

and to my nada this meant fixating on my appearance and my feminity. She was

obsessed with trying to make me feel 'disgusting' in both of those areas, and

believe me, it was traumatic. My nada was also a hermit extraordinairre, and

she would tell me gruesome things over and over under the guise of protecting

me, like, 'you're gonna cut your finger off with that knife', 'you're gonna poke

your eye out with those scissors'. To this day, when I'm too tired or stressed

to block out my normal burned-in thought patterns, I walk around the house

seeing a horror movie in every darned appliance. And there were also physical

threats and threats of annihilation from my narcissist father as well.

> >

> > Yet from the outside this would be very hard to see with the untrained eye.

I was fed. There was a house. I showed up at school and made good grades.

There were no serious health problems or injuries. They never hit me--at least

not after I was 7 or so. There was just me, becoming more and more miserable

and dissociative until I was able to escape to boarding school and never look

back.

> >

> > I wanted to share in this post how very severe it was and is. Just 3

seconds of email contact cost me about 4 hours of my life. That is huge. That

is wrong. Unfortunate as it may be, in some cases NC is justified, it's what's

best for the world, it's the path to least suffering, overall. I truly believe

this. But it's hard to know that every FOO and extended FOO member is WANTING

me to come back in contact, every second of the day.

> >

> > --Charlie

> >

>