Do others close to you not understand your feelings about nada?

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I was wondering if any of you have close friends, boyfriends, husbands etc that

just don't seem to understand BPD and how it's affected you. For me, it's my

boyfriend who can't seem to wrap his head around how much pain it has caused me

having a BPD parent. I am 22 and recently learned of BPD this summer and it all

clicked, and have been doing much reading and learning about it since then. It's

caused me to even become somewhat depressed analyzing, thinking, and realizing

how much everything has affected me and putting all the pieces together. I just

want to be angry and hurt and be able to vent and call her bad names and say I

hate her etc etc. The responses always seem to be things like she's your mom

don't call her that, be thankful for any family you have, don't start a bigger

fight than is necessary, she did the best she could or silence because he knows

his responses bother me (I've brought it up before how I just need him to agree

with me and be on my side). So basically just not the validating, understanding

responses I need right now. I try to explain what has gone on and how painful it

was and is but he still doesn't get it judging from his responses. To his

defense he has never met her and she is very high functioning so could easily

hide it for a few hours around another. I recount our phone conversations to him

and he sees only me being quick to get angry at little things. Where for me,

each little thing has such a back story and history it is impossible to not blow

up about what seems " small " to others. They don't know what the tone of voice

means and what it triggers in you.

Anyone else in a similar boat? I think just venting will help me too. Thanks all

and best wishes for a Happy Holiday! Make it your own! You deserve it!

[Guest guest]

Many people, even those that are close to you, just really don't want to accept

the realities that we deal with every day. I took a class thru my local NAMI

chapter, called Family 2 Family. It covered all manner of mental health

disorders, from the chemical like Schizophrenia and bi-polar to Personality

disorders. It was really helpful and one of the things another participant said,

was, how grateful she was to have ONE place where she tell people how her

day/week whatever, REALLY went " without it causing all conversation to come to a

screeching halt " Most people, even your SO just really aren't prepared to hear

about OUR KO reality. If it's more than your boyfriend is ready to hear and be

supportive then do both of yourselves a favor and find a group like NAMI and

find real life support right where you are. It's not fair to either of you to

lay stuff like this on someone that just isn't equipped to handle it.

>

> Hi all,

> I was wondering if any of you have close friends, boyfriends, husbands etc

that just don't seem to understand BPD and how it's affected you. For me, it's

my boyfriend who can't seem to wrap his head around how much pain it has caused

me having a BPD parent. I am 22 and recently learned of BPD this summer and it

all clicked, and have been doing much reading and learning about it since then.

It's caused me to even become somewhat depressed analyzing, thinking, and

realizing how much everything has affected me and putting all the pieces

together. I just want to be angry and hurt and be able to vent and call her bad

names and say I hate her etc etc. The responses always seem to be things like

she's your mom don't call her that, be thankful for any family you have, don't

start a bigger fight than is necessary, she did the best she could or silence

because he knows his responses bother me (I've brought it up before how I just

need him to agree with me and be on my side). So basically just not the

validating, understanding responses I need right now. I try to explain what has

gone on and how painful it was and is but he still doesn't get it judging from

his responses. To his defense he has never met her and she is very high

functioning so could easily hide it for a few hours around another. I recount

our phone conversations to him and he sees only me being quick to get angry at

little things. Where for me, each little thing has such a back story and history

it is impossible to not blow up about what seems " small " to others. They don't

know what the tone of voice means and what it triggers in you.

> Anyone else in a similar boat? I think just venting will help me too. Thanks

all and best wishes for a Happy Holiday! Make it your own! You deserve it!

>

[Guest guest]

Hi , I'd have to say nearly no one understands.

My husband has grown to see the negative role my mother has played in our

marriage and my life, all my life. But most people truly don't get it. Some do

try and affirm me, but most do not and urge me to be nice to my mother.

Until I found this group, I really did think I was going nuts.

>

> Hi all,

> I was wondering if any of you have close friends, boyfriends, husbands etc

that just don't seem to understand BPD and how it's affected you. For me, it's

my boyfriend who can't seem to wrap his head around how much pain it has caused

me having a BPD parent. I am 22 and recently learned of BPD this summer and it

all clicked, and have been doing much reading and learning about it since then.

It's caused me to even become somewhat depressed analyzing, thinking, and

realizing how much everything has affected me and putting all the pieces

together. I just want to be angry and hurt and be able to vent and call her bad

names and say I hate her etc etc. The responses always seem to be things like

she's your mom don't call her that, be thankful for any family you have, don't

start a bigger fight than is necessary, she did the best she could or silence

because he knows his responses bother me (I've brought it up before how I just

need him to agree with me and be on my side). So basically just not the

validating, understanding responses I need right now. I try to explain what has

gone on and how painful it was and is but he still doesn't get it judging from

his responses. To his defense he has never met her and she is very high

functioning so could easily hide it for a few hours around another. I recount

our phone conversations to him and he sees only me being quick to get angry at

little things. Where for me, each little thing has such a back story and history

it is impossible to not blow up about what seems " small " to others. They don't

know what the tone of voice means and what it triggers in you.

> Anyone else in a similar boat? I think just venting will help me too. Thanks

all and best wishes for a Happy Holiday! Make it your own! You deserve it!

>

[Guest guest]

Those who have never been soldiers in combat have a hard time comprehending the

deeply devastating, traumatizing emotional impact and damage that the horror of

war has on soldiers; many vets can only share their real feelings with other

combat vets and specially trained psychologists who can help them process and

recover from the emotional trauma.

In a similar way, those who have never experienced having a mentally ill but

high-functioning abusive parent can't wrap their minds around the concept of a

mother or father who seems charming in public, but who in private actually

neglects, hurts or uses their own children without regard for the child's needs

or feelings; its not real to the general population unless there are burn marks,

broken bones, or a conviction on incest charges. Or unless the parent is

clearly a low-functioning alcoholic or druggie.

I agree that a good solution is to seek out individual therapy, group therapy,

or in-person support groups for the families of the mentally ill to gain the

emotional support and validation you need, in addition to posting here. Some

members here have recommended the in-person family-support groups for those with

alcoholic or drug-addicted loved ones, as the kinds of abnormal and abusive

behaviors inflicted on family members are similar.

-Annie

>

> Hi all,

> I was wondering if any of you have close friends, boyfriends, husbands etc

that just don't seem to understand BPD and how it's affected you. For me, it's

my boyfriend who can't seem to wrap his head around how much pain it has caused

me having a BPD parent. I am 22 and recently learned of BPD this summer and it

all clicked, and have been doing much reading and learning about it since then.

It's caused me to even become somewhat depressed analyzing, thinking, and

realizing how much everything has affected me and putting all the pieces

together. I just want to be angry and hurt and be able to vent and call her bad

names and say I hate her etc etc. The responses always seem to be things like

she's your mom don't call her that, be thankful for any family you have, don't

start a bigger fight than is necessary, she did the best she could or silence

because he knows his responses bother me (I've brought it up before how I just

need him to agree with me and be on my side). So basically just not the

validating, understanding responses I need right now. I try to explain what has

gone on and how painful it was and is but he still doesn't get it judging from

his responses. To his defense he has never met her and she is very high

functioning so could easily hide it for a few hours around another. I recount

our phone conversations to him and he sees only me being quick to get angry at

little things. Where for me, each little thing has such a back story and history

it is impossible to not blow up about what seems " small " to others. They don't

know what the tone of voice means and what it triggers in you.

> Anyone else in a similar boat? I think just venting will help me too. Thanks

all and best wishes for a Happy Holiday! Make it your own! You deserve it!

>

[Guest guest]

Most of my friends think my nada's " crazy " and they try to avoid her because she

makes them uncomfortable. I think they can sense the emotional vampire waiting

to prey, but I don't think they really understand the deeper effects of being

raised by someone with Batshit-I mean, Borderline PD.

I agree with Annie. The only place I've found that I could talk about nada and

have people just instinctively understand are this group, and the local NAMI

meetings that I've been to. To someone who hasn't been close to it, you might as

well be speaking a foreign language.

>

> Those who have never been soldiers in combat have a hard time comprehending

the deeply devastating, traumatizing emotional impact and damage that the horror

of war has on soldiers; many vets can only share their real feelings with other

combat vets and specially trained psychologists who can help them process and

recover from the emotional trauma.

>

> In a similar way, those who have never experienced having a mentally ill but

high-functioning abusive parent can't wrap their minds around the concept of a

mother or father who seems charming in public, but who in private actually

neglects, hurts or uses their own children without regard for the child's needs

or feelings; its not real to the general population unless there are burn marks,

broken bones, or a conviction on incest charges. Or unless the parent is

clearly a low-functioning alcoholic or druggie.

>

> I agree that a good solution is to seek out individual therapy, group therapy,

or in-person support groups for the families of the mentally ill to gain the

emotional support and validation you need, in addition to posting here. Some

members here have recommended the in-person family-support groups for those with

alcoholic or drug-addicted loved ones, as the kinds of abnormal and abusive

behaviors inflicted on family members are similar.

>

> -Annie

[Guest guest]

yes. to all of it. my Husband tries. but he does not get it. we have been

married 7 years. he has seen it. so he gets it, he does not think I am

overreacting, but he does not understand why the past matters so much. I have

been digesting tons of things I denied and justified for my whole life. my

siblings that I have talked to all see it totally differently too. depending on

if she ever victimized them or not. just today my sister urged me to remember

that Nada has good points too. duh. but right now I am hurt, and I HATE the way

she treats me, and I hate even more that she will NEVER believe she has done

anything wrong.

I am trying really hard to focus on myself right now. what i can do to believe

the truth instead of believing her horrible view of me that I was methodically

brainwashed to believe.

I am also trying to change myself. I need to figure out what i will or will not

tolerate, and fight for it.

you should tell him what you want. he can't understand it, but he can support

you. you need him to know that that is what you want.

I guess we are in it together.

>

> Hi all,

> I was wondering if any of you have close friends, boyfriends, husbands etc

that just don't seem to understand BPD and how it's affected you. For me, it's

my boyfriend who can't seem to wrap his head around how much pain it has caused

me having a BPD parent. I am 22 and recently learned of BPD this summer and it

all clicked, and have been doing much reading and learning about it since then.

It's caused me to even become somewhat depressed analyzing, thinking, and

realizing how much everything has affected me and putting all the pieces

together. I just want to be angry and hurt and be able to vent and call her bad

names and say I hate her etc etc. The responses always seem to be things like

she's your mom don't call her that, be thankful for any family you have, don't

start a bigger fight than is necessary, she did the best she could or silence

because he knows his responses bother me (I've brought it up before how I just

need him to agree with me and be on my side). So basically just not the

validating, understanding responses I need right now. I try to explain what has

gone on and how painful it was and is but he still doesn't get it judging from

his responses. To his defense he has never met her and she is very high

functioning so could easily hide it for a few hours around another. I recount

our phone conversations to him and he sees only me being quick to get angry at

little things. Where for me, each little thing has such a back story and history

it is impossible to not blow up about what seems " small " to others. They don't

know what the tone of voice means and what it triggers in you.

> Anyone else in a similar boat? I think just venting will help me too. Thanks

all and best wishes for a Happy Holiday! Make it your own! You deserve it!

>

[Guest guest]

I am very fortunate in this regard. I have currently NO friends who don't

understsand my nada, to some degree. If they refuse to, I UNFRIEND them! (Or

they miraculously " lose " me!)

But seriously, the first night my husband and I were out alone together, before

I knew we were going to date, I sat him down at a jazz bar in New Orleans and

looked him right in the eyes. " You need to know something about my mother. " He

remembers deciding to get a Jack s. (He is not a drinker.)

He took the phone when my nada called during graduation weekend. She and my dad

had been invited to my master's ceremony and then my nada said, oh if only one

of us can come.. is it OK>>>>? Knowing what she would offer.. that she wanted

to come alone, I finished her sentence. " If only one of you can come, mom, it

would be dad who I would choose. " Kind of made her not want to come I guess.

Well my brother attended, flew in without nada knowing. And we did not want to

answer the phone. I intuited it would be nada, this was before caller id. When

my future husband took the call, my brother was completely impressed with how

the call was handled. My husband experienced my mom's true colors, in his first

conversation with her.

Mom: Where are those f*CK-brains?

FDH: I beg your pardon?

Mom : Where are those f*CK-brains?

FDH: I beg your pardon?

Broken record, and then nada went on another rampage.

So, my husband had NEVER told me, that I needed to be nice because she was my

MOTH-ER.

He would say, I understand your having a hard time letting go (but I wish you

would!)... because she is your ONLY mother.

I was 28 by this time, and I knew I needed a person who would validate me.

NOTHING else would do. I'd already learned that someone who doesn't quickly

understand the situation, CANNOT be of much help. I'd also learned that someone

who gets it too easily, might also be dangerous to be around. They too could be

BPD or the child of one, with their own issues. (I almost married a man who I

suspect was a narcissist) My husband is neither, which amazes me.

After overhearing one side of that first phone call, my brother looked at me

round eyed. Neither of us had ever met someone who believed our story of nada,

nor someone who had handled nada with aplomb, much less on the first

conversation. Before my future husband could join us, he whispered, " When are

you guys getting married?! "

A favorite story of mine that I have not written down before. Thanks for asking

this question.

Fortunately having my mom as a mother-in-law is something DH has taken in

stride. He has been very patient with me. He has ALWAYS taken my side, even when

I decided to send my mom a tube of preparation-H!

Best,

[Guest guest]

It was the same way for me for many relationships. When I was in my late teens

and early twenties, new friends and new boyfriends all thought my mom was so

cool and that I was so lucky to have such a cool mom. It's the friends and

boyfriends that really stuck around that got to see her true colors. My nada is

also high functioning, but the more she is around someone, the more the act

starts to breakdown and her true self is revealed. My best friend who I had

since elementary school actually moved in with my nada when I was in my first

year of college. I confided in her so much especially about nada, but nada was

always the fun, cool mom around my best friend and she never really believed me.

I felt so betrayed. I stopped talking to her for months. Little did she know

that while she was living there, nada would leave me messages on my phone about

how great my friend was and why couldn't I be more like her instead of the

ungrateful, selfish bit*h that I was. About 8 or 9 months later I had heard my

friend moved out of nada's house. Shortly after I got a phone call from my

friend. She said, " I'm so sorry, I had no idea. " It was only a matter of time

until nada showed herself to her. Later in life I met my husband through a

friend that I had known since high school. I didn't find this out until much

later, but apparently my friend and husband (before he was my husband) had a

conversation about my nada. Which basically went like this:

Friend: " You know her mom is crazy. "

Husband: " Aren't all girls moms just a little crazy? "

Friend: " No, she's like really crazy "

Husband: " Okay, whatever. "

My husband didn't tell me about this until after we were married. He had met my

nada a few times and she seemed normal to him. Plus, I sheltered him a lot in

the beginning when it came to her. I was afraid if he really knew that he would

head for the hills. About 6 months into our relationship, I couldn't hide it

anymore. He saw nada's true form for the first time. I finally told him the

truth about her and surprisingly he supported me and stuck around. After we got

engaged, nada got even worse. We had our first child and nada got so bad that I

finally made the decision to go NC and have been ever since.

So basically, at least in my experiences, the ones that stick around. They will

eventually see your nada for who she is. I have so been in your shoes. My advice

would be to stop venting to your boyfriend about your nada and maybe vent to a

close friend or someone who does understand your feelings a little better. Even

this message board can be a great place to vent and get some validation. Just

keep in mind that his heart seems to be in the right place, he just doesn't seem

to understand or have any experience with BPD. Trust me, if he sticks around

long enough he will!

It took years for my husband to see how truly unstable my nada is. It easily can

put a wedge in your relationship. Later, the tables turned and he would get

frustrated about me still having a relationship with nada after the way she

would treat us. I too would get the " I understand your having a hard time

letting go (but I wish you would!)... " It wasn't until after my first child was

born and I knew that I didn't want nada to have even the slightest negative

impact on her life that I was finally able to go NC. Since then my relationship

with my husband has been better than ever. I can now focus on my family and

being happy instead of what awful, hurtful thing nada said or did that day.

>

> Hi all,

> I was wondering if any of you have close friends, boyfriends, husbands etc

that just don't seem to understand BPD and how it's affected you. For me, it's

my boyfriend who can't seem to wrap his head around how much pain it has caused

me having a BPD parent. I am 22 and recently learned of BPD this summer and it

all clicked, and have been doing much reading and learning about it since then.

It's caused me to even become somewhat depressed analyzing, thinking, and

realizing how much everything has affected me and putting all the pieces

together. I just want to be angry and hurt and be able to vent and call her bad

names and say I hate her etc etc. The responses always seem to be things like

she's your mom don't call her that, be thankful for any family you have, don't

start a bigger fight than is necessary, she did the best she could or silence

because he knows his responses bother me (I've brought it up before how I just

need him to agree with me and be on my side). So basically just not the

validating, understanding responses I need right now. I try to explain what has

gone on and how painful it was and is but he still doesn't get it judging from

his responses. To his defense he has never met her and she is very high

functioning so could easily hide it for a few hours around another. I recount

our phone conversations to him and he sees only me being quick to get angry at

little things. Where for me, each little thing has such a back story and history

it is impossible to not blow up about what seems " small " to others. They don't

know what the tone of voice means and what it triggers in you.

> Anyone else in a similar boat? I think just venting will help me too. Thanks

all and best wishes for a Happy Holiday! Make it your own! You deserve it!

>

[Guest guest]

I think from my experience it absolutely depends on the person if they

can " get it " or not. Some people do, some simply do not and perhaps

never will.

I found it very ironic that my step sister would defend my nada when I

decided to go NC with her. Nada, the woman who said such horrible,

nasty things about her step children. Step sister doesn't know

though, however, she just couldn't grasp how anyone could walk away

from a " mother " . She would say, " But she is YOUR MOTHER " . I tried to

explain to her, that if it were anyone else in this world who treated

me the way nada did, would she or anyone else expect me to maintain a

relationship with them? She couldn't understand it, and became the

classic " flying monkey " that is often talked about on this list. I had

originally wanted to try & maintain a relationship with my step sibs,

but found that I could not.

Then, there have been other people who initially thought the same way

step sis did. " SHE'S YOUR MOTHER! HOW COULD YOU! " ... however, when I

give them my line about, " if it were anyone else... " something in

their head clicks on & they get it. Mind you, I don't just go around

introducing myself to people and saying, " Hi there, I'm Mia & I think

my mother suffers from BPD so I no longer speak to her " lol. It's

something I only divulge to people when I am at a point of trusting

them.

Have you ever asked your bf why he's having a hard time understanding

that it effects you? Obviously you want to try & talk to him about it

without sounding accusatory, but it's worth exploring IMO. Perhaps he

would be willing to read SWOE and/or Understanding the BOrderline

Mother? I highly recommend those books for both of you, they really

can help you not only understand your nada better, but also yourself

for having grown up in that type of environment.

Take care of yourself. It is a long hard road we KO's have to travel

and it's tough for our significant others who had grown up in a

" normal " home. So try to keep that in mind too.

*Hugs*

Mia

>

>

>

> Hi all,

> I was wondering if any of you have close friends, boyfriends, husbands etc

that just don't seem to understand BPD and how it's affected you. For me, it's

my boyfriend who can't seem to wrap his head around how much pain it has caused

me having a BPD parent. I am 22 and recently learned of BPD this summer and it

all clicked, and have been doing much reading and learning about it since then.

It's caused me to even become somewhat depressed analyzing, thinking, and

realizing how much everything has affected me and putting all the pieces

together. I just want to be angry and hurt and be able to vent and call her bad

names and say I hate her etc etc. The responses always seem to be things like

she's your mom don't call her that, be thankful for any family you have, don't

start a bigger fight than is necessary, she did the best she could or silence

because he knows his responses bother me (I've brought it up before how I just

need him to agree with me and be on my side). So basically just not the

validating, understanding responses I need right now. I try to explain what has

gone on and how painful it was and is but he still doesn't get it judging from

his responses. To his defense he has never met her and she is very high

functioning so could easily hide it for a few hours around another. I recount

our phone conversations to him and he sees only me being quick to get angry at

little things. Where for me, each little thing has such a back story and history

it is impossible to not blow up about what seems " small " to others. They don't

know what the tone of voice means and what it triggers in you.

> Anyone else in a similar boat? I think just venting will help me too. Thanks

all and best wishes for a Happy Holiday! Make it your own! You deserve it!

>

>

[Guest guest]

PS - my husband does know about how awful my nada was/is and even

though he has never met her, he is a constant source of support when I

get into a bit of a PTSD moment. (Those are few & far between now...

NC has been good for me... body, mind & soul! Plus, therapy lol).

He & his family were also very supportive when nada sent a flying

monkey to track me down. I live almost 200 miles away now but she

tracked me down. I always knew she would. At that time, my husband &

i were living with his father, and when I had to tell his dad all this

junk about my " mother " that I hadn't told him before, my FIL looked at

me & said, " I don't want those F***ers anywhere near my house. They're

not allowed on my property, period " . I felt relieved... he GOT IT. And

I also chuckled a little because I had never heard him drop " the F

bomb " ... the man nearly became a priest LOL!

I've been VERY lucky in my experience with my DH & his family, that is

for darn sure! And even my dad, who is divorced from nada, gets it.

110%.

Mia

> I think from my experience it absolutely depends on the person if they

> can " get it " or not.  Some people do, some simply do not and perhaps

> never will.

>

> I found it very ironic that my step sister would defend my nada when I

> decided to go NC with her.  Nada, the woman who said such horrible,

> nasty things about her step children.  Step sister doesn't know

> though, however, she just couldn't grasp how anyone could walk away

> from a " mother " .  She would say, " But she is YOUR MOTHER " .  I tried to

> explain to her, that if it were anyone else in this world who treated

> me the way nada did, would she or anyone else expect me to maintain a

> relationship with them?  She couldn't understand it, and became the

> classic " flying monkey " that is often talked about on this list. I had

> originally wanted to try & maintain a relationship with my step sibs,

> but found that I could not.

>

> Then, there have been other people who initially thought the same way

> step sis did.   " SHE'S YOUR MOTHER! HOW COULD YOU! " ... however, when I

> give them my line about, " if it were anyone else... " something in

> their head clicks on & they get it.  Mind you, I don't just go around

> introducing myself to people and saying, " Hi there, I'm Mia & I think

> my mother suffers from BPD so I no longer speak to her " lol.  It's

> something I only divulge to people when I am at a point of trusting

> them.

>

> Have you ever asked your bf why he's having a hard time understanding

> that it effects you?  Obviously you want to try & talk to him about it

> without sounding accusatory, but it's worth exploring IMO.  Perhaps he

> would be willing to read SWOE and/or Understanding the BOrderline

> Mother?  I highly recommend those books for both of you, they really

> can help you not only understand your nada better, but also yourself

> for having grown up in that type of environment.

>

> Take care of yourself.  It is a long hard road we KO's have to travel

> and it's tough for our significant others who had grown up in a

> " normal " home.  So try to keep that in mind too.

>

> *Hugs*

>

> Mia

>

>

>>

>>

>>

>> Hi all,

>> I was wondering if any of you have close friends, boyfriends, husbands etc

that just don't seem to understand BPD and how it's affected you. For me, it's

my boyfriend who can't seem to wrap his head around how much pain it has caused

me having a BPD parent. I am 22 and recently learned of BPD this summer and it

all clicked, and have been doing much reading and learning about it since then.

It's caused me to even become somewhat depressed analyzing, thinking, and

realizing how much everything has affected me and putting all the pieces

together. I just want to be angry and hurt and be able to vent and call her bad

names and say I hate her etc etc. The responses always seem to be things like

she's your mom don't call her that, be thankful for any family you have, don't

start a bigger fight than is necessary, she did the best she could or silence

because he knows his responses bother me (I've brought it up before how I just

need him to agree with me and be on my side). So basically just not the

validating, understanding responses I need right now. I try to explain what has

gone on and how painful it was and is but he still doesn't get it judging from

his responses. To his defense he has never met her and she is very high

functioning so could easily hide it for a few hours around another. I recount

our phone conversations to him and he sees only me being quick to get angry at

little things. Where for me, each little thing has such a back story and history

it is impossible to not blow up about what seems " small " to others. They don't

know what the tone of voice means and what it triggers in you.

>> Anyone else in a similar boat? I think just venting will help me too. Thanks

all and best wishes for a Happy Holiday! Make it your own! You deserve it!

>>

>>

[Guest guest]

Wow thanks all for the responses. I do have some close friends who completely

understand where I am coming from so I have them to vent to, which I am so

grateful for. As well as this group. I don't know where I would be without it

sometimes. Just reading and lurking on it seems like therapy at times. I love

hearing everyone's stories of healing and feeling better after NC. I am waiting

for March 8th, the day my last payment for my last semester of college is due to

go NC. The reason I stay in minimal contact with nada so I can pay for school.

Selfish it sounds to others but it's the truth and I know you all will get it.

That is likely not to happen now after yesterday.. I think I will post on that.

I am a mess right now and desperately need to vent.

I think my boyfriend comes from a slightly abnormal family himself so is

somewhat scared to completely acknowledge how messed up and hurt I am because he

also is has his own pain as well but not ready to deal with it. (His father

lives in another country where his family is from and they have no relationship,

was raised there by grandmother and then came to US to live with mom and stepdad

at age 10). I like what Mia said about the people that matter sticking around to

see who the true nada is. I think that is very very true. Your husband and his

family sound great. Congrats! I know he is with me for the long run on this but

after yesterday I may not give him the chance to meet her. Even before that I

would always say you dont want to meet her. Maybe that's what needs to happen

though. who knows. Well thanks all and hang in there. Hugs to everyone and much

thanks for advice and support. I am therapy but through my college as it's free

but as such i can't always get appointments every week and they seem somewhat

short-40-45 minutes but are helpful nonetheless. Well, come May I will be a

college graduate NC from her nada and making tons of money to spend on therapy!

Haha happy holidays all.

>

> Hi all,

> I was wondering if any of you have close friends, boyfriends, husbands etc

that just don't seem to understand BPD and how it's affected you. For me, it's

my boyfriend who can't seem to wrap his head around how much pain it has caused

me having a BPD parent. I am 22 and recently learned of BPD this summer and it

all clicked, and have been doing much reading and learning about it since then.

It's caused me to even become somewhat depressed analyzing, thinking, and

realizing how much everything has affected me and putting all the pieces

together. I just want to be angry and hurt and be able to vent and call her bad

names and say I hate her etc etc. The responses always seem to be things like

she's your mom don't call her that, be thankful for any family you have, don't

start a bigger fight than is necessary, she did the best she could or silence

because he knows his responses bother me (I've brought it up before how I just

need him to agree with me and be on my side). So basically just not the

validating, understanding responses I need right now. I try to explain what has

gone on and how painful it was and is but he still doesn't get it judging from

his responses. To his defense he has never met her and she is very high

functioning so could easily hide it for a few hours around another. I recount

our phone conversations to him and he sees only me being quick to get angry at

little things. Where for me, each little thing has such a back story and history

it is impossible to not blow up about what seems " small " to others. They don't

know what the tone of voice means and what it triggers in you.

> Anyone else in a similar boat? I think just venting will help me too. Thanks

all and best wishes for a Happy Holiday! Make it your own! You deserve it!

>

[Guest guest]

I must say the few friends I have---which isn't many all don't

like nada. In fact, it was them that made me realize something

wasn't right. But this group understands even more.

Steph

Re: Do others close to you not

understand your feelings about nada?

Most of my friends think my nada's " crazy " and they try to avoid

her because she makes them uncomfortable. I think they can sense

the emotional vampire waiting to prey, but I don't think they

really understand the deeper effects of being raised by someone

with Batshit-I mean, Borderline PD.

I agree with Annie. The only place I've found that I could talk

about nada and have people just instinctively understand are this

group, and the local NAMI meetings that I've been to. To someone

who hasn't been close to it, you might as well be speaking a

foreign language.

Those who have never been soldiers in combat have a hard time

comprehending the deeply devastating, traumatizing emotional

impact and damage that the horror of war has on soldiers; many

vets can only share their real feelings with other combat vets

and specially trained psychologists who can help them process and

recover from the emotional trauma.

In a similar way, those who have never experienced having a

mentally ill but high-functioning abusive parent can't wrap their

minds around the concept of a mother or father who seems charming

in public, but who in private actually neglects, hurts or uses

their own children without regard for the child's needs or

feelings; its not real to the general population unless there are

burn marks, broken bones, or a conviction on incest charges. Or

unless the parent is clearly a low-functioning alcoholic or

druggie.

I agree that a good solution is to seek out individual therapy,

group therapy, or in-person support groups for the families of

the mentally ill to gain the emotional support and validation you

need, in addition to posting here. Some members here have

recommended the in-person family-support groups for those with

alcoholic or drug-addicted loved ones, as the kinds of abnormal

and abusive behaviors inflicted on family members are similar.

-Annie

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder:

New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @.... DO

NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, "

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Groups Links

[Guest guest]

Hello rachelM!

It happens all the time.

I've told my ex boyfriend and some of my friends a lot of horrible

stories....but when they met my nada first time they all said: " common...she is

just old sweet lady don't be too hard on her " Nada can be " normal " and sweet

for a while if she chooses it or even uses her craziness to get sympathy from

others. But not for a long and not all the time. So friends who stayed with me

longer - sooner or later get what I mean. Specially if they offer her their

sympathy. Whenever I put some firm boundaries she starts attacking my friends

trying to manipulate them to get me back where she wants me to be....Then they

get it what it is all about.

I think nobody who didn't see nada's behavior in action can not get it

..Specially because it could be so subtle you may need a loooong time to find

what it's going on.

yenaine

>

> Hi all,

> I was wondering if any of you have close friends, boyfriends, husbands etc

that just don't seem to understand BPD and how it's affected you. For me, it's

my boyfriend who can't seem to wrap his head around how much pain it has caused

me having a BPD parent. I am 22 and recently learned of BPD this summer and it

all clicked, and have been doing much reading and learning about it since then.

It's caused me to even become somewhat depressed analyzing, thinking, and

realizing how much everything has affected me and putting all the pieces

together. I just want to be angry and hurt and be able to vent and call her bad

names and say I hate her etc etc. The responses always seem to be things like

she's your mom don't call her that, be thankful for any family you have, don't

start a bigger fight than is necessary, she did the best she could or silence

because he knows his responses bother me (I've brought it up before how I just

need him to agree with me and be on my side). So basically just not the

validating, understanding responses I need right now. I try to explain what has

gone on and how painful it was and is but he still doesn't get it judging from

his responses. To his defense he has never met her and she is very high

functioning so could easily hide it for a few hours around another. I recount

our phone conversations to him and he sees only me being quick to get angry at

little things. Where for me, each little thing has such a back story and history

it is impossible to not blow up about what seems " small " to others. They don't

know what the tone of voice means and what it triggers in you.

> Anyone else in a similar boat? I think just venting will help me too. Thanks

all and best wishes for a Happy Holiday! Make it your own! You deserve it!

>

[Guest guest]

BAAAAHAHAHAHAHA. , I laughed so hard at this, you have no idea! a Tube

of Preparation H. LOVE IT

>

> I am very fortunate in this regard. I have currently NO friends who don't

understsand my nada, to some degree. If they refuse to, I UNFRIEND them! (Or

they miraculously " lose " me!)

>

> But seriously, the first night my husband and I were out alone together,

before I knew we were going to date, I sat him down at a jazz bar in New Orleans

and looked him right in the eyes. " You need to know something about my mother. "

He remembers deciding to get a Jack s. (He is not a drinker.)

>

> He took the phone when my nada called during graduation weekend. She and my

dad had been invited to my master's ceremony and then my nada said, oh if only

one of us can come.. is it OK>>>>? Knowing what she would offer.. that she

wanted to come alone, I finished her sentence. " If only one of you can come,

mom, it would be dad who I would choose. " Kind of made her not want to come I

guess. Well my brother attended, flew in without nada knowing. And we did not

want to answer the phone. I intuited it would be nada, this was before caller

id. When my future husband took the call, my brother was completely impressed

with how the call was handled. My husband experienced my mom's true colors, in

his first conversation with her.

>

> Mom: Where are those f*CK-brains?

>

> FDH: I beg your pardon?

>

> Mom : Where are those f*CK-brains?

>

> FDH: I beg your pardon?

>

> Broken record, and then nada went on another rampage.

>

> So, my husband had NEVER told me, that I needed to be nice because she was my

MOTH-ER.

>

> He would say, I understand your having a hard time letting go (but I wish you

would!)... because she is your ONLY mother.

>

> I was 28 by this time, and I knew I needed a person who would validate me.

NOTHING else would do. I'd already learned that someone who doesn't quickly

understand the situation, CANNOT be of much help. I'd also learned that someone

who gets it too easily, might also be dangerous to be around. They too could be

BPD or the child of one, with their own issues. (I almost married a man who I

suspect was a narcissist) My husband is neither, which amazes me.

>

> After overhearing one side of that first phone call, my brother looked at me

round eyed. Neither of us had ever met someone who believed our story of nada,

nor someone who had handled nada with aplomb, much less on the first

conversation. Before my future husband could join us, he whispered, " When are

you guys getting married?! "

>

> A favorite story of mine that I have not written down before. Thanks for

asking this question.

>

> Fortunately having my mom as a mother-in-law is something DH has taken in

stride. He has been very patient with me. He has ALWAYS taken my side, even when

I decided to send my mom a tube of preparation-H!

>

> Best,

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I love this post, ! It is so wonderful that you met a guy who is so

incredibly emotionally healthy, so supportive of you and SO able to handle your

nada skillfully and gracefully, AND its wonderful that your brother is " on your

team " too. That is so very validating, I'm sure, and reinforces the truth that

your nada is genuinely very mentally ill, very hostile, and its not your fault,

or your brother's fault, and you don't have to accept her abuse. You get to

deflect the abuse or ignore it or cut it off. Or send it a tube of Preparation

H. Love it!

-Annie

> >

> > I am very fortunate in this regard. I have currently NO friends who don't

understsand my nada, to some degree. If they refuse to, I UNFRIEND them! (Or

they miraculously " lose " me!)

> >

> > But seriously, the first night my husband and I were out alone together,

before I knew we were going to date, I sat him down at a jazz bar in New Orleans

and looked him right in the eyes. " You need to know something about my mother. "

He remembers deciding to get a Jack s. (He is not a drinker.)

> >

> > He took the phone when my nada called during graduation weekend. She and my

dad had been invited to my master's ceremony and then my nada said, oh if only

one of us can come.. is it OK>>>>? Knowing what she would offer.. that she

wanted to come alone, I finished her sentence. " If only one of you can come,

mom, it would be dad who I would choose. " Kind of made her not want to come I

guess. Well my brother attended, flew in without nada knowing. And we did not

want to answer the phone. I intuited it would be nada, this was before caller

id. When my future husband took the call, my brother was completely impressed

with how the call was handled. My husband experienced my mom's true colors, in

his first conversation with her.

> >

> > Mom: Where are those f*CK-brains?

> >

> > FDH: I beg your pardon?

> >

> > Mom : Where are those f*CK-brains?

> >

> > FDH: I beg your pardon?

> >

> > Broken record, and then nada went on another rampage.

> >

> > So, my husband had NEVER told me, that I needed to be nice because she was

my MOTH-ER.

> >

> > He would say, I understand your having a hard time letting go (but I wish

you would!)... because she is your ONLY mother.

> >

> > I was 28 by this time, and I knew I needed a person who would validate me.

NOTHING else would do. I'd already learned that someone who doesn't quickly

understand the situation, CANNOT be of much help. I'd also learned that someone

who gets it too easily, might also be dangerous to be around. They too could be

BPD or the child of one, with their own issues. (I almost married a man who I

suspect was a narcissist) My husband is neither, which amazes me.

> >

> > After overhearing one side of that first phone call, my brother looked at

me round eyed. Neither of us had ever met someone who believed our story of

nada, nor someone who had handled nada with aplomb, much less on the first

conversation. Before my future husband could join us, he whispered, " When are

you guys getting married?! "

> >

> > A favorite story of mine that I have not written down before. Thanks for

asking this question.

> >

> > Fortunately having my mom as a mother-in-law is something DH has taken in

stride. He has been very patient with me. He has ALWAYS taken my side, even when

I decided to send my mom a tube of preparation-H!

> >

> > Best,

> >

> >

> >

> >