I got a promotion at work, so guess what nada said when i told her?

June 28, 2011

She congratulated me enthusiastically, paused, and then said, " But did you

deserve it? "

Whyyyyyy would anyone say that to someone who just got a job promotion?

Why would you say that to your child?

I would never, ever say to one of my kids if they did well on a test - " did you

cheat? I bet the teacher just likes you. "

What troubles me most, now a week later, is how little it bothered me at the

time. How " normal " that is from her.

She sucks.

June 28, 2011

She sucks, but I say, congrats on your promotion!

(And that's what my fada would so sometimes. And then he'd claim it was only

a joke, if I took offense.)

On Tue, Jun 28, 2011 at 7:34 AM, Fiona wrote:

> **

>

> She congratulated me enthusiastically, paused, and then said, " But did you

> deserve it? "

>

> Whyyyyyy would anyone say that to someone who just got a job promotion?

> Why would you say that to your child?

> I would never, ever say to one of my kids if they did well on a test - " did

> you cheat? I bet the teacher just likes you. "

>

> What troubles me most, now a week later, is how little it bothered me at

> the time. How " normal " that is from her.

>

> She sucks.

>

June 28, 2011

Congrats!!!

I can't believe these people think that people will still be their friends

if they do this stuff!!! Seems like a quick way to a lonley life!

On Tue, Jun 28, 2011 at 6:48 AM, Holly Byers

wrote:

> She sucks, but I say, congrats on your promotion!

>

> (And that's what my fada would so sometimes. And then he'd claim it was

> only

> a joke, if I took offense.)

>

> On Tue, Jun 28, 2011 at 7:34 AM, Fiona <hermitsdaughter@...

> >wrote:

>

> > **

> >

> > She congratulated me enthusiastically, paused, and then said, " But did

> you

> > deserve it? "

> >

> > Whyyyyyy would anyone say that to someone who just got a job promotion?

> > Why would you say that to your child?

> > I would never, ever say to one of my kids if they did well on a test -

> " did

> > you cheat? I bet the teacher just likes you. "

> >

> > What troubles me most, now a week later, is how little it bothered me at

> > the time. How " normal " that is from her.

> >

> > She sucks.

> >

>

June 28, 2011

First: Congratulations on your promotion, you rock! I know you worked hard and

deserved the recognition and promotion, totally!

My nada would do something similar. I'd share good news with her RE my job, and

my nada would reply with either (a) That's nice, but does that mean that you

(got your name in the paper, got a big raise, etc.)? or ( she would inflate

my victory into something outlandish.

So, whatever I did was never good enough. A promotion or raise wasn't good

enough, she craved for me to be *famous* and have my name on the credits or in

the news or whatever, or be *running a division* of the company I worked for.

Nothing was ever, ever good enough.

Its hard to even want to even be around anyone who treats you like that.

-Annie

>

> She congratulated me enthusiastically, paused, and then said, " But did you

deserve it? "

>

> Whyyyyyy would anyone say that to someone who just got a job promotion?

> Why would you say that to your child?

> I would never, ever say to one of my kids if they did well on a test - " did

you cheat? I bet the teacher just likes you. "

>

> What troubles me most, now a week later, is how little it bothered me at the

time. How " normal " that is from her.

>

> She sucks.

>

June 28, 2011

thanks for the good wishes!!! I'm proud of me!

Annie, yeah, my mom, too. If my brother did something like, again, getting a

promotion or doing well at school, she would interrogate us to make sure it was

worth sharing with her relatives. If it wasn't, she wouldn't bother mentioning

it.

> >

> > She congratulated me enthusiastically, paused, and then said, " But did you

deserve it? "

> >

> > Whyyyyyy would anyone say that to someone who just got a job promotion?

> > Why would you say that to your child?

> > I would never, ever say to one of my kids if they did well on a test - " did

you cheat? I bet the teacher just likes you. "

> >

> > What troubles me most, now a week later, is how little it bothered me at the

time. How " normal " that is from her.

> >

> > She sucks.

> >

>

June 28, 2011

My mother and father both do this to me. I find nice purses occasionally at

second hand stores, fada, 'are you sure they aren't fakes?'. It could be having

won the lottery, anything, and they will bring you down to zero in the blink of

an eye. It's like they HAVE to know in that moment that they can control you,

control how you feel. If they keep you questioning and sad and bewildered, they

have you. If you get happy and confident and satisfied with life, you won't

need them and will 'abandon'them. It's like a survival instinct to stick a pin

in that balloon.

Congratulations on your promotion by the way. i would have been so tempted to

answer her with something like, " Do you even KNOW how many sexual favors I had

to perform? OF COURSE I deserve it. "

P.S. I found a genuine Kate Spade at Goodwill today. It's beat up but even so

there is not a single stitch frayed on this bag, it's amazing how well the real

ones will hold up, that is the first thing I look for and just about all of them

are fakes. I was going to give it to nada but I might just put it on ebay.

>

> She congratulated me enthusiastically, paused, and then said, " But did you

deserve it? "

>

> Whyyyyyy would anyone say that to someone who just got a job promotion?

> Why would you say that to your child?

> I would never, ever say to one of my kids if they did well on a test - " did

you cheat? I bet the teacher just likes you. "

>

> What troubles me most, now a week later, is how little it bothered me at the

time. How " normal " that is from her.

>

> She sucks.

>

June 28, 2011

Ugh. I usually don't even tell my nada good news. I swear they just try to bring

you down when they see you are happy!

What did she even mean by this anyway? Was she implying you somehow got the

promotion through nefarious means?

Anyway, CONGRATS! I'm sure you DID deserve it!!

Casey

>

> She congratulated me enthusiastically, paused, and then said, " But did you

deserve it? "

>

> Whyyyyyy would anyone say that to someone who just got a job promotion?

> Why would you say that to your child?

> I would never, ever say to one of my kids if they did well on a test - " did

you cheat? I bet the teacher just likes you. "

>

> What troubles me most, now a week later, is how little it bothered me at the

time. How " normal " that is from her.

>

> She sucks.

>

June 28, 2011

" I would have been so tempted to answer her with something like, " Do you even

KNOW how many sexual favors I had to perform? OF COURSE I deserve it. "

OMG>... I've actually said that to Nada.

Bought me a few weeks of silence.

Well worth the trade-off!

Lynnette

> >

> > She congratulated me enthusiastically, paused, and then said, " But did you

deserve it? "

> >

> > Whyyyyyy would anyone say that to someone who just got a job promotion?

> > Why would you say that to your child?

> > I would never, ever say to one of my kids if they did well on a test - " did

you cheat? I bet the teacher just likes you. "

> >

> > What troubles me most, now a week later, is how little it bothered me at the

time. How " normal " that is from her.

> >

> > She sucks.

> >

>

June 28, 2011

I say congratulations to you! These crazy mothers love to rain on your parade -

but don't you let her, you got it, it's yours BECAUSE you deserve it!

Eliza

>

> She congratulated me enthusiastically, paused, and then said, " But did you

deserve it? "

>

> Whyyyyyy would anyone say that to someone who just got a job promotion?

> Why would you say that to your child?

> I would never, ever say to one of my kids if they did well on a test - " did

you cheat? I bet the teacher just likes you. "

>

> What troubles me most, now a week later, is how little it bothered me at the

time. How " normal " that is from her.

>

> She sucks.

>

June 29, 2011

I *LOVE* these smart-ass comebacks to a nada's inane, insulting non-compliments;

that one gave me a big LOL! You guys rock.

-Annie

> > >

> > > She congratulated me enthusiastically, paused, and then said, " But did you

deserve it? "

> > >

> > > Whyyyyyy would anyone say that to someone who just got a job promotion?

> > > Why would you say that to your child?

> > > I would never, ever say to one of my kids if they did well on a test -

" did you cheat? I bet the teacher just likes you. "

> > >

> > > What troubles me most, now a week later, is how little it bothered me at

the time. How " normal " that is from her.

> > >

> > > She sucks.

> > >

> >

>

June 29, 2011

Wow, good for you on the Kate Spade acquisition! I'm going to have to check my

local one out!

ha!, yes, I was very tempted to say I'd been sleeping with the boss but, again,

at the time I thought nothing of her comment. I think you're right, it's like

they feel we're going to be better than them and leave and abandon them if we're

too happy.

and thank you for the good wishes!

> >

> > She congratulated me enthusiastically, paused, and then said, " But did you

deserve it? "

> >

> > Whyyyyyy would anyone say that to someone who just got a job promotion?

> > Why would you say that to your child?

> > I would never, ever say to one of my kids if they did well on a test - " did

you cheat? I bet the teacher just likes you. "

> >

> > What troubles me most, now a week later, is how little it bothered me at the

time. How " normal " that is from her.

> >

> > She sucks.

> >

>

June 29, 2011

You know, Casey, you are so right. I remember hesitating before telling her. I

knew it really wouldn't matter at all whether she knew or not. I think, as

usual, I over-thought about it to avoid conflict with her: I figured with their

frequent summer visits, one of my girls might mention it to her and she'd get

upset that she wasn't told. Yeah, I knew she would have something interesting

to say about it, other than Congratulations!

I don't know what she meant. I know she doesn't consider me attractive enough to

seduce a higher-up. I guess it was her way of putting me in my place and

reminding me I'm not " all that. "

Thanks for the kind wishes!!

> >

> > She congratulated me enthusiastically, paused, and then said, " But did you

deserve it? "

> >

> > Whyyyyyy would anyone say that to someone who just got a job promotion?

> > Why would you say that to your child?

> > I would never, ever say to one of my kids if they did well on a test - " did

you cheat? I bet the teacher just likes you. "

> >

> > What troubles me most, now a week later, is how little it bothered me at the

time. How " normal " that is from her.

> >

> > She sucks.

> >

>

June 29, 2011

You're my hero, Lynette!

> > >

> > > She congratulated me enthusiastically, paused, and then said, " But did you

deserve it? "

> > >

> > > Whyyyyyy would anyone say that to someone who just got a job promotion?

> > > Why would you say that to your child?

> > > I would never, ever say to one of my kids if they did well on a test -

" did you cheat? I bet the teacher just likes you. "

> > >

> > > What troubles me most, now a week later, is how little it bothered me at

the time. How " normal " that is from her.

> > >

> > > She sucks.

> > >

> >

>

June 29, 2011

yesterday i was thinking about this in terms of 'percent good' and 'percent

bad', like trying to determine how much of the time they act normal and how

much of the time they pull stunts like this.

And I think that is what makes it so hard, is that they do both. I felt bad

after I answered because I felt like I didn't even answer the question you had

posed, what kind of person would say something like this, because the answer is,

'a very, very sick, non-supportive, selfish, hurtful one'. If they were not

related to you, it would only take one time for this to happen and you would not

ever deal with them again.

I think with me I have been in this cycle all my life, of being hurt and then

getting over it and then them acting normal for a bit and then needing support

or something and then getting that inevitable unexpected punch in the gut. It's

very painful to once again be confronted with how twisted and hurtful they can

be. I hope you went out and had a great congratulatory dinner or bought yourself

something nice.

I admire people who have been able to go NC, well I envy them too, because that

is the only way to protect ourselves from these deflating moments. Sometimes I

wonder where I would be in life if I had been encouraged to soar as high as my

wings could have taken me, instead of being knocked down every time I got two

feet off the ground. There is really no telling...I don't even know what it's

like to have consistent support like that.

> > >

> > > She congratulated me enthusiastically, paused, and then said, " But did you

deserve it? "

> > >

> > > Whyyyyyy would anyone say that to someone who just got a job promotion?

> > > Why would you say that to your child?

> > > I would never, ever say to one of my kids if they did well on a test -

" did you cheat? I bet the teacher just likes you. "

> > >

> > > What troubles me most, now a week later, is how little it bothered me at

the time. How " normal " that is from her.

> > >

> > > She sucks.

> > >

> >

>

June 29, 2011

First – Congrats, congrats on your promotion Fiona! You should be very proud!

Don't let your nada spoil your joy.

This topic has really hit home for me so I hope no one minds the long winded,

emotionally charged response I can't even count the times my nada has done that!

And OMG do I really hate that! With my nada its typically a sneak attack. She

might say something nice right after I tell her my accomplishment, if she

acknowledges that I said it at all and doesn't automatically turn the

conversation back in a direction that's about her – but later when she's on one

of her rants she will be like " Oh and now that you've gone to college and got

that " great job " you think you're some much better than me. You're nothing you

little sh*t. " (That one came after I got my first job post grad school.)

It's without fail that she'll do this! I've gotten to the point where I don't

tell her the good or the bad. Either way she'll rub it in my face later. And

that really hurts!

She knows very little about what's actually going on in my world these days. I

just went from NC for a year (outside of nasty voicemail message she would leave

me) to very LC. I was stuck in that same cycle, " of being hurt and then getting

over it and then them acting normal for a bit and then needing support or

something and then getting that inevitable unexpected punch in the gut. " And I

totally agree about how twisted and painful that is. It's made me hypervigilant,

and ever ready for a fight. It makes it virtually impossible to believe anything

good that comes out of nada's mouth. Unfortunately I've taken that disbelief and

fight or flight response into other relationships - a habit I definitely have to

break (though it might take some work after 29+ years of that kind of

conditioning).

Again, I have to agree with llel11's comment, " what kind of person would say

something like this, the answer is, 'a very, very sick, non-supportive, selfish,

hurtful one'. If they were not related to you, it would only take one time for

this to happen and you would not ever deal with them again. " If I wasn't related

to nada she would have been out of my life a LONG time ago!!! At this point for

me it's beyond trying to understand the reasons for why nada is BP and what

triggers her behavior. Honestly, it's about self preservation right now. I've

reached a point where it is more important for me to take care of me than stay

in that vicious cycle. NO ONE deserves to be put down the way we get put down.

NO ONE deserves to be talked to the way they talk to us. We deserve to have the

support a mother is supposed to give a child, the kind that helps us " be

encouraged to soar as high as our wings can take us " . Me – I just won't settle

for less these days. If nada wants to act in a way that's going to be hurtful

and try to bring me down she can do that all on her own without me engaging in

it.

My previous T told me a metaphor once that has really stuck with me. She said

it's like I'm standing on one edge of a canyon and nada is on the other. I hold

one end of a rope and nada holds the other. When nada is going BP nuts and

jumping up and down, ranting and raving as she will, the rope shakes and since I

am holding it I shake too. I am affected by the rope and it shakes me to the

core. And depending on how close to the edge I am, holding on to that rope could

even pull me off the cliff. That's what nada's effect on me is like. The thing

is, I can let go of the rope. Nada can still do her ranting and raving and try

to have an impact on me, but if I'm not holding that rope she can't shake me

anymore. I try hard to remember that when she does something to be hurtful.

Whew! Ok, I'll stop now, lol. Oh, by the way, I was ROTFL when I saw the comment

" Do you even KNOW how many sexual favors I had to perform? OF COURSE I deserve

it. " One day I may have to use that! Nada would never let me forget I said it,

but it certainly would be hilarious in the moment!

-B.

She congratulated me enthusiastically, paused, and then said, " But did you

deserve it? "

Whyyyyyy would anyone say that to someone who just got a job promotion?

Why would you say that to your child? I would never, ever say to one of my kids

if they did well on a test -

" did you cheat? I bet the teacher just likes you. " What troubles me most, now a

week later, is how little it bothered me at the time. How " normal " that is from

her.

She sucks.

June 30, 2011

" I felt bad after I answered because I felt like I didn't even answer the

question you had posed... "

not at all! you were very supportive. And, truth is, we all know the answer to

that question (what kind of person would say mean things instead of supportive

ones?).

And I agree with you: my mother's normal moments and then wackadoo ones like her

recent statements make it so difficult to be with her. I miss her normal

moments. But they're very infrequent.

Fiona

>

> yesterday i was thinking about this in terms of 'percent good' and 'percent

bad', like trying to determine how much of the time they act normal and how

much of the time they pull stunts like this.

>

> And I think that is what makes it so hard, is that they do both. I felt bad

after I answered because I felt like I didn't even answer the question you had

posed, what kind of person would say something like this, because the answer is,

'a very, very sick, non-supportive, selfish, hurtful one'. If they were not

related to you, it would only take one time for this to happen and you would not

ever deal with them again.

>

> I think with me I have been in this cycle all my life, of being hurt and then

getting over it and then them acting normal for a bit and then needing support

or something and then getting that inevitable unexpected punch in the gut. It's

very painful to once again be confronted with how twisted and hurtful they can

be. I hope you went out and had a great congratulatory dinner or bought yourself

something nice.

>

> I admire people who have been able to go NC, well I envy them too, because

that is the only way to protect ourselves from these deflating moments.

Sometimes I wonder where I would be in life if I had been encouraged to soar as

high as my wings could have taken me, instead of being knocked down every time I

got two feet off the ground. There is really no telling...I don't even know what

it's like to have consistent support like that.

>

June 30, 2011

Wow, B, your therapist's analogy is very, very true. I keep holding on to the

rope, hoping she'll finally steady it enough for us to get across and meet

halfway.

B, your mother sounds very witchy in her attacks. That's so hurtful, I'm sure,

esp when you were younger. It's hurtful no matter your age. My mother pretends

she's joking, like the " mother " from that movie, " Tangled. " " I was just

kidding, sweetie! Of course you deserve your promotion!! "

thank for you for your good wishes! You know, she hasn't taken my happiness

away about my promotion. I think more than anything, I feel sad, kind of

grieved, at the mother I don't have. The mother I wish I'd had. I know I need to

accept that that person isn't ever happening, that she won't ever stop shaking

the rope.

>

> First – Congrats, congrats on your promotion Fiona! You should be very proud!

Don't let your nada spoil your joy.

>

> This topic has really hit home for me so I hope no one minds the long winded,