New Member, Mother is BPD and Alcoholic

[Guest guest]

Hi Everyone,

I am so glad to found this forum. I have been reading the posts and feel like I

can relate to so much here. My mother is BPD and alcholic. I am frustrated,

tired and just don't know where to turn anymore. I am 44 and she is 65 years

old and it has been a lifetime of crazy behavior. I have tried everything even

went No Contact for 8 years. Nothing has changed her behavior one iota. We

have been back to talking again the past 2 years and for the first year or so

she was great now I feel like we are right back to where we were 10 years ago

which is the reason I cut off contact. The rages, the drunk, abusive phone

calls, the put downs, the drama, on and on. If I don't agree with what she says

she rages, if I don't stick up for her, she rages, if I tell her how i feel she

rages. Last night we had a whopper arguement becuase she said I love you, this

after her being condescending with me on another matter and I said yea. She

said what does that mean I said well you say it mom but I just don't know that I

believe it. Well, all hell broke loose. SHe grilled me over and over till i

told her that i felt she never really loved me. She said, " I was ridiculous and

that i should get over what happened in my childhood and it wasn't that bad nor

is she that bad. " Despite the fact that she raged like mommie dearest thru my

childhood, dumped me off with any family member she could find to watch me, had

no problems stealing from family even her own mother, never held a job for any

length of time, her and my dad would have raging fights where i would be hiding

behind the bed or in closets...the police were called more times that I can

count. She was in several mental hospitols in which the psychiatrist told my dad

your wife has a character disorder and it won't change you will end up having no

choice but to leave her for your sanity. Well, he did...and left me with her.

Noone in her family will have anything to do with her and haven't for many

years. So, it is just me. I am an only child and this is hell. Thankfully, she

moved to Florida many years ago but even the distance doesn't stop her from

spreading her wrath on the phone. When I hung up the phone last night I sat and

cried because she finally did admit while drunk that I was right she really

didn't want a child and really didn't want to be a mother. I felt that all my

life but hearing her say it hurt very much but it also validated what i always

knew.

I was supposed to make a visit down to see her in July but she told me last

night don't bother coming because she doens't like the way I talk to her anymore

and that I am not the daughter she raised. Well, in some ways she is right, I

am no longer the door mat who will put up with her talking to me like a dog. I

am no longer willing to be her punching bag or let her bully me. My mom has a

way of recreating history to suit herself which of course her version always

makes her look better and minimizes my feelings. So, last night I had it and

spoke my truth....she didn't like it one bit. Here we are again at odds.

I am so glad I found and a group of folks who truly understand how devastating

having a BPD parent can be. Thanks for reading.

[Guest guest]

Wow you and I have similar mothers. Sounds horrible. I don't see how you'll be

able to get along with her.

----------

Please excuse any typos or terseness, this message was sent from a mobile

device.

New Member, Mother is BPD and Alcoholic

Hi Everyone,

I am so glad to found this forum. I have been reading the posts and feel like I

can relate to so much here. My mother is BPD and alcholic. I am frustrated,

tired and just don't know where to turn anymore. I am 44 and she is 65 years

old and it has been a lifetime of crazy behavior. I have tried everything even

went No Contact for 8 years. Nothing has changed her behavior one iota. We

have been back to talking again the past 2 years and for the first year or so

she was great now I feel like we are right back to where we were 10 years ago

which is the reason I cut off contact. The rages, the drunk, abusive phone

calls, the put downs, the drama, on and on. If I don't agree with what she says

she rages, if I don't stick up for her, she rages, if I tell her how i feel she

rages. Last night we had a whopper arguement becuase she said I love you, this

after her being condescending with me on another matter and I said yea. She

said what does that mean I said well you say it mom but I just don't know that I

believe it. Well, all hell broke loose. SHe grilled me over and over till i

told her that i felt she never really loved me. She said, " I was ridiculous and

that i should get over what happened in my childhood and it wasn't that bad nor

is she that bad. " Despite the fact that she raged like mommie dearest thru my

childhood, dumped me off with any family member she could find to watch me, had

no problems stealing from family even her own mother, never held a job for any

length of time, her and my dad would have raging fights where i would be hiding

behind the bed or in closets...the police were called more times that I can

count. She was in several mental hospitols in which the psychiatrist told my dad

your wife has a character disorder and it won't change you will end up having no

choice but to leave her for your sanity. Well, he did...and left me with her.

Noone in her family will have anything to do with her and haven't for many

years. So, it is just me. I am an only child and this is hell. Thankfully, she

moved to Florida many years ago but even the distance doesn't stop her from

spreading her wrath on the phone. When I hung up the phone last night I sat and

cried because she finally did admit while drunk that I was right she really

didn't want a child and really didn't want to be a mother. I felt that all my

life but hearing her say it hurt very much but it also validated what i always

knew.

I was supposed to make a visit down to see her in July but she told me last

night don't bother coming because she doens't like the way I talk to her anymore

and that I am not the daughter she raised. Well, in some ways she is right, I

am no longer the door mat who will put up with her talking to me like a dog. I

am no longer willing to be her punching bag or let her bully me. My mom has a

way of recreating history to suit herself which of course her version always

makes her look better and minimizes my feelings. So, last night I had it and

spoke my truth....she didn't like it one bit. Here we are again at odds.

I am so glad I found and a group of folks who truly understand how devastating

having a BPD parent can be. Thanks for reading.

[Guest guest]

Hi . Welcome to the Group. Yes, we can completely relate to how damaging

it is to be raised by a mother with a serious mental illness, and who is an

alcoholic, on top of it. Its unconscionable to leave a child with someone like

that, in my opinion.

Education is power. Knowledge is power, and its empowering. Reading up about

personality disorders and learning that its OK to choose No Contact or

Limited/Low Contact with strict boundaries in place, is very empowering.

There is a list of good books about bpd at the homepage/website for this Support

Group, bpdcentral.com.

We get where you're coming from, and how difficult and frustrating and damaging

it can be to have a bpd mom or " nada. "

best wishes,

-Annie

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am so glad to found this forum. I have been reading the posts and feel like

I can relate to so much here. My mother is BPD and alcholic. I am frustrated,

tired and just don't know where to turn anymore. I am 44 and she is 65 years

old and it has been a lifetime of crazy behavior. I have tried everything even

went No Contact for 8 years. Nothing has changed her behavior one iota. We

have been back to talking again the past 2 years and for the first year or so

she was great now I feel like we are right back to where we were 10 years ago

which is the reason I cut off contact. The rages, the drunk, abusive phone

calls, the put downs, the drama, on and on. If I don't agree with what she says

she rages, if I don't stick up for her, she rages, if I tell her how i feel she

rages. Last night we had a whopper arguement becuase she said I love you, this

after her being condescending with me on another matter and I said yea. She

said what does that mean I said well you say it mom but I just don't know that I

believe it. Well, all hell broke loose. SHe grilled me over and over till i

told her that i felt she never really loved me. She said, " I was ridiculous and

that i should get over what happened in my childhood and it wasn't that bad nor

is she that bad. " Despite the fact that she raged like mommie dearest thru my

childhood, dumped me off with any family member she could find to watch me, had

no problems stealing from family even her own mother, never held a job for any

length of time, her and my dad would have raging fights where i would be hiding

behind the bed or in closets...the police were called more times that I can

count. She was in several mental hospitols in which the psychiatrist told my dad

your wife has a character disorder and it won't change you will end up having no

choice but to leave her for your sanity. Well, he did...and left me with her.

>

> Noone in her family will have anything to do with her and haven't for many

years. So, it is just me. I am an only child and this is hell. Thankfully, she

moved to Florida many years ago but even the distance doesn't stop her from

spreading her wrath on the phone. When I hung up the phone last night I sat and

cried because she finally did admit while drunk that I was right she really

didn't want a child and really didn't want to be a mother. I felt that all my

life but hearing her say it hurt very much but it also validated what i always

knew.

>

> I was supposed to make a visit down to see her in July but she told me last

night don't bother coming because she doens't like the way I talk to her anymore

and that I am not the daughter she raised. Well, in some ways she is right, I

am no longer the door mat who will put up with her talking to me like a dog. I

am no longer willing to be her punching bag or let her bully me. My mom has a

way of recreating history to suit herself which of course her version always

makes her look better and minimizes my feelings. So, last night I had it and

spoke my truth....she didn't like it one bit. Here we are again at odds.

>

> I am so glad I found and a group of folks who truly understand how devastating

having a BPD parent can be. Thanks for reading.

>

[Guest guest]

Sounds a lot like my mom too. She has never been diagnosed though, I think if a

dr recognized this, I would feel a little better. For now, BPD is my best guess.

If I may ask, why did you go to LC after so many years of NC? I am currently in

a NC mode, and I know it is hard. Just the other night, I woke up crying in my

sleep because I was worried about her. You are right, it is really hard to be an

only child dealing with this, sometimes I just have to force myself to accept

the fact that the only thing I can do is remain NC.

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am so glad to found this forum. I have been reading the posts and feel like

I can relate to so much here. My mother is BPD and alcholic. I am frustrated,

tired and just don't know where to turn anymore. I am 44 and she is 65 years

old and it has been a lifetime of crazy behavior. I have tried everything even

went No Contact for 8 years. Nothing has changed her behavior one iota. We

have been back to talking again the past 2 years and for the first year or so

she was great now I feel like we are right back to where we were 10 years ago

which is the reason I cut off contact. The rages, the drunk, abusive phone

calls, the put downs, the drama, on and on. If I don't agree with what she says

she rages, if I don't stick up for her, she rages, if I tell her how i feel she

rages. Last night we had a whopper arguement becuase she said I love you, this

after her being condescending with me on another matter and I said yea. She

said what does that mean I said well you say it mom but I just don't know that I

believe it. Well, all hell broke loose. SHe grilled me over and over till i

told her that i felt she never really loved me. She said, " I was ridiculous and

that i should get over what happened in my childhood and it wasn't that bad nor

is she that bad. " Despite the fact that she raged like mommie dearest thru my

childhood, dumped me off with any family member she could find to watch me, had

no problems stealing from family even her own mother, never held a job for any

length of time, her and my dad would have raging fights where i would be hiding

behind the bed or in closets...the police were called more times that I can

count. She was in several mental hospitols in which the psychiatrist told my dad

your wife has a character disorder and it won't change you will end up having no

choice but to leave her for your sanity. Well, he did...and left me with her.

>

> Noone in her family will have anything to do with her and haven't for many

years. So, it is just me. I am an only child and this is hell. Thankfully, she

moved to Florida many years ago but even the distance doesn't stop her from

spreading her wrath on the phone. When I hung up the phone last night I sat and

cried because she finally did admit while drunk that I was right she really

didn't want a child and really didn't want to be a mother. I felt that all my

life but hearing her say it hurt very much but it also validated what i always

knew.

>

> I was supposed to make a visit down to see her in July but she told me last

night don't bother coming because she doens't like the way I talk to her anymore

and that I am not the daughter she raised. Well, in some ways she is right, I

am no longer the door mat who will put up with her talking to me like a dog. I

am no longer willing to be her punching bag or let her bully me. My mom has a

way of recreating history to suit herself which of course her version always

makes her look better and minimizes my feelings. So, last night I had it and

spoke my truth....she didn't like it one bit. Here we are again at odds.

>

> I am so glad I found and a group of folks who truly understand how devastating

having a BPD parent can be. Thanks for reading.

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you both for your words of support. I don't know anyone who has a mother

like this or can truly understand what i go thru. It is so hard and at times

very lonely.

I will get some of books on the list. I also think I need to go back to limited

contact again at least for awile till this all settles down. I was not sleeping

for many nights and getting so upset. She still has a way of doing it to me

even after all the therpay I have had I still get sucked in again and again. I

just need a break for awile from dealing with her.

> >

> > Hi Everyone,

> >

> > I am so glad to found this forum. I have been reading the posts and feel

like I can relate to so much here. My mother is BPD and alcholic. I am

frustrated, tired and just don't know where to turn anymore. I am 44 and she is

65 years old and it has been a lifetime of crazy behavior. I have tried

everything even went No Contact for 8 years. Nothing has changed her behavior

one iota. We have been back to talking again the past 2 years and for the first

year or so she was great now I feel like we are right back to where we were 10

years ago which is the reason I cut off contact. The rages, the drunk, abusive

phone calls, the put downs, the drama, on and on. If I don't agree with what

she says she rages, if I don't stick up for her, she rages, if I tell her how i

feel she rages. Last night we had a whopper arguement becuase she said I love

you, this after her being condescending with me on another matter and I said

yea. She said what does that mean I said well you say it mom but I just don't

know that I believe it. Well, all hell broke loose. SHe grilled me over and

over till i told her that i felt she never really loved me. She said, " I was

ridiculous and that i should get over what happened in my childhood and it

wasn't that bad nor is she that bad. " Despite the fact that she raged like

mommie dearest thru my childhood, dumped me off with any family member she could

find to watch me, had no problems stealing from family even her own mother,

never held a job for any length of time, her and my dad would have raging fights

where i would be hiding behind the bed or in closets...the police were called

more times that I can count. She was in several mental hospitols in which the

psychiatrist told my dad your wife has a character disorder and it won't change

you will end up having no choice but to leave her for your sanity. Well, he

did...and left me with her.

> >

> > Noone in her family will have anything to do with her and haven't for many

years. So, it is just me. I am an only child and this is hell. Thankfully, she

moved to Florida many years ago but even the distance doesn't stop her from

spreading her wrath on the phone. When I hung up the phone last night I sat and

cried because she finally did admit while drunk that I was right she really

didn't want a child and really didn't want to be a mother. I felt that all my

life but hearing her say it hurt very much but it also validated what i always

knew.

> >

> > I was supposed to make a visit down to see her in July but she told me last

night don't bother coming because she doens't like the way I talk to her anymore

and that I am not the daughter she raised. Well, in some ways she is right, I

am no longer the door mat who will put up with her talking to me like a dog. I

am no longer willing to be her punching bag or let her bully me. My mom has a

way of recreating history to suit herself which of course her version always

makes her look better and minimizes my feelings. So, last night I had it and

spoke my truth....she didn't like it one bit. Here we are again at odds.

> >

> > I am so glad I found and a group of folks who truly understand how

devastating having a BPD parent can be. Thanks for reading.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi - believe me we understand here!!!

If I were you, rather than feeling guilt and responsibility because you are

the only family member left who will speak to nada, I'd cling to that fact

as validation that she is not tolerable! I think its great that the rest of

her family has moved on, if I were you I'd jump on that boat with them.

If you read Emotional Blackmail I think it will help you let go of that

feeling of responsibility for someone who treats you like S-H-I-T

HUGS, Girlscout

> **

>

>

>

> Thank you both for your words of support. I don't know anyone who has a

> mother like this or can truly understand what i go thru. It is so hard and

> at times very lonely.

> I will get some of books on the list. I also think I need to go back to

> limited contact again at least for awile till this all settles down. I was

> not sleeping for many nights and getting so upset. She still has a way of

> doing it to me even after all the therpay I have had I still get sucked in

> again and again. I just need a break for awile from dealing with her.

>

>

> > >

> > > Hi Everyone,

> > >

> > > I am so glad to found this forum. I have been reading the posts and

> feel like I can relate to so much here. My mother is BPD and alcholic. I am

> frustrated, tired and just don't know where to turn anymore. I am 44 and she

> is 65 years old and it has been a lifetime of crazy behavior. I have tried

> everything even went No Contact for 8 years. Nothing has changed her

> behavior one iota. We have been back to talking again the past 2 years and

> for the first year or so she was great now I feel like we are right back to

> where we were 10 years ago which is the reason I cut off contact. The rages,

> the drunk, abusive phone calls, the put downs, the drama, on and on. If I

> don't agree with what she says she rages, if I don't stick up for her, she

> rages, if I tell her how i feel she rages. Last night we had a whopper

> arguement becuase she said I love you, this after her being condescending

> with me on another matter and I said yea. She said what does that mean I

> said well you say it mom but I just don't know that I believe it. Well, all

> hell broke loose. SHe grilled me over and over till i told her that i felt

> she never really loved me. She said, " I was ridiculous and that i should get

> over what happened in my childhood and it wasn't that bad nor is she that

> bad. " Despite the fact that she raged like mommie dearest thru my childhood,

> dumped me off with any family member she could find to watch me, had no

> problems stealing from family even her own mother, never held a job for any

> length of time, her and my dad would have raging fights where i would be

> hiding behind the bed or in closets...the police were called more times that

> I can count. She was in several mental hospitols in which the psychiatrist

> told my dad your wife has a character disorder and it won't change you will

> end up having no choice but to leave her for your sanity. Well, he did...and

> left me with her.

> > >

> > > Noone in her family will have anything to do with her and haven't for

> many years. So, it is just me. I am an only child and this is hell.

> Thankfully, she moved to Florida many years ago but even the distance

> doesn't stop her from spreading her wrath on the phone. When I hung up the

> phone last night I sat and cried because she finally did admit while drunk

> that I was right she really didn't want a child and really didn't want to be

> a mother. I felt that all my life but hearing her say it hurt very much but

> it also validated what i always knew.

> > >

> > > I was supposed to make a visit down to see her in July but she told me

> last night don't bother coming because she doens't like the way I talk to

> her anymore and that I am not the daughter she raised. Well, in some ways

> she is right, I am no longer the door mat who will put up with her talking

> to me like a dog. I am no longer willing to be her punching bag or let her

> bully me. My mom has a way of recreating history to suit herself which of

> course her version always makes her look better and minimizes my feelings.

> So, last night I had it and spoke my truth....she didn't like it one bit.

> Here we are again at odds.

> > >

> > > I am so glad I found and a group of folks who truly understand how

> devastating having a BPD parent can be. Thanks for reading.

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I went NC about 10 years ago because I just couldn't take it anymore and what

got me talking with her again is that my father died quite suddenly about two

years ago. Now they were divorced for well over 25 years but when he died the

company he worked for contacted my mother becuase she was due a pension becuase

she was married to him for over 10 years. Long story short she contacted me

after his funeral and that is how we got to talking again. Now for the first

year or so it was good. She still treated others not so good but me she stayed

nice and calm and we got along well. I thought wow maybe my not talking with her

for so long made her realize I wouldn't take the abuse. But, after the first

year or so she started slipping back into her patterns of calling me drunk

again, ranting and raving etc. I guess she was just on " good behavior " with me

for that year or so. Now that we have been talking again and have visited one

another she has settled in and she is back to her same old self now.

I can tell you not talking with her for 8 years was very hard...I had to deal

with overwhelming guilt etc. but i was in therapy and just felt the guit, worked

with my feelings and kept NC. I have no easy answers because dealing with her

is hard but staying away is hard in a different way because you have to deal

with the loneliness of not having a family member in your life and also the

guilt.

The other problem I struggle with is that in some ways she can be loving toward

me. It is just that it is never consistent and you never know what will send

her into a tailspin of anger. It is usually when I am not doing something she

would like me to do or agreeing with her when she tries to drag me into her

arguements with others. She claims I am never in her corner and then she turns

me into the villain. I am either wonderful or horrible. Nothing is consistant.

My mom was never, as far as I know diagnosed with BPD. I just heard my father

say the doctor in the mental hospitol at that time called it a character

disorder. Not sure if that is the same but it was also 40 years ago and I don't

know if BPD was around as a diagnosis then. I can say she has every single

trait except for cutting.

Anyway, sorry for the long post and thanks for reading.

> >

> > Hi Everyone,

> >

> > I am so glad to found this forum. I have been reading the posts and feel

like I can relate to so much here. My mother is BPD and alcholic. I am

frustrated, tired and just don't know where to turn anymore. I am 44 and she is

65 years old and it has been a lifetime of crazy behavior. I have tried

everything even went No Contact for 8 years. Nothing has changed her behavior

one iota. We have been back to talking again the past 2 years and for the first

year or so she was great now I feel like we are right back to where we were 10

years ago which is the reason I cut off contact. The rages, the drunk, abusive

phone calls, the put downs, the drama, on and on. If I don't agree with what

she says she rages, if I don't stick up for her, she rages, if I tell her how i

feel she rages. Last night we had a whopper arguement becuase she said I love

you, this after her being condescending with me on another matter and I said

yea. She said what does that mean I said well you say it mom but I just don't

know that I believe it. Well, all hell broke loose. SHe grilled me over and

over till i told her that i felt she never really loved me. She said, " I was

ridiculous and that i should get over what happened in my childhood and it

wasn't that bad nor is she that bad. " Despite the fact that she raged like

mommie dearest thru my childhood, dumped me off with any family member she could

find to watch me, had no problems stealing from family even her own mother,

never held a job for any length of time, her and my dad would have raging fights

where i would be hiding behind the bed or in closets...the police were called

more times that I can count. She was in several mental hospitols in which the

psychiatrist told my dad your wife has a character disorder and it won't change

you will end up having no choice but to leave her for your sanity. Well, he

did...and left me with her.

> >

> > Noone in her family will have anything to do with her and haven't for many

years. So, it is just me. I am an only child and this is hell. Thankfully, she

moved to Florida many years ago but even the distance doesn't stop her from

spreading her wrath on the phone. When I hung up the phone last night I sat and

cried because she finally did admit while drunk that I was right she really

didn't want a child and really didn't want to be a mother. I felt that all my

life but hearing her say it hurt very much but it also validated what i always

knew.

> >

> > I was supposed to make a visit down to see her in July but she told me last

night don't bother coming because she doens't like the way I talk to her anymore

and that I am not the daughter she raised. Well, in some ways she is right, I

am no longer the door mat who will put up with her talking to me like a dog. I

am no longer willing to be her punching bag or let her bully me. My mom has a

way of recreating history to suit herself which of course her version always

makes her look better and minimizes my feelings. So, last night I had it and

spoke my truth....she didn't like it one bit. Here we are again at odds.

> >

> > I am so glad I found and a group of folks who truly understand how

devastating having a BPD parent can be. Thanks for reading.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Girlscout, You are right. Her family moved on from her many years ago and

she has reached out to them but they refuse to deal with her again. In fact, her

sister last year hung on her when my mom called her after 7 years of NC between

them. Her sister told her don't ever call my house again and hung up. They

tell me they don't know how I have dealt with her my whole life.

I have read emotional blackmail and you are right I just have to continualy

realize that although she is my mother I have to let go of these feelings of

resp. for her and guilt when I walk away from her.

It is not easy but I have done it before and can do it again. Thank you for your

words of support.

[Guest guest]

I can relate to your description of what its like trying to have a relationship

with your mother. The instability, the being sweet and loving sometimes but

then the lashing out in anger for sometimes bewildering or unknown reasons. I

too am in (virtual) No Contact for about 3 years now, and its not a panacea: its

just the lesser of two evils; its slightly more bearable than being in contact.

Yes, " character disorder " was an earlier term for any " personality disorder " .

According to the article on bpd at Wikipedia, the " history of " section says

that: " Standardized criteria were developed[82] to distinguish BPD from

affective disorders and other Axis I disorders, and BPD became a personality

disorder diagnosis in 1980 with the publication of DSM-III.[76] " The article

goes on to say that " Adolf Stern wrote the first significant psychoanalytic work

to use the term " borderline " in 1938,[80] referring to a group of patients with

what was thought to be a mild form of schizophrenia, on the borderline between

neurosis and psychosis. "

My own personal opinion is that this first researcher hit the bulls-eye with his

first try. Athough currently this opinion is out of favor, I myself now believe

that at least in my own mother's case, mild schizophrenia would explain a lot of

her behaviors. I think her negatively-skewed perceptions of reality led to her

chronic delusional thinking and paranoia, its just that when she was younger she

was better able to control it, but it leaked out in her screaming rage-tantrums

in which she'd make all kinds of horrible accusations that had no basis in

reality.

So, anyway. I can relate to your feelings of frustration and sadness.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Hi Everyone,

> > >

> > > I am so glad to found this forum. I have been reading the posts and feel

like I can relate to so much here. My mother is BPD and alcholic. I am

frustrated, tired and just don't know where to turn anymore. I am 44 and she is

65 years old and it has been a lifetime of crazy behavior. I have tried

everything even went No Contact for 8 years. Nothing has changed her behavior

one iota. We have been back to talking again the past 2 years and for the first

year or so she was great now I feel like we are right back to where we were 10

years ago which is the reason I cut off contact. The rages, the drunk, abusive

phone calls, the put downs, the drama, on and on. If I don't agree with what

she says she rages, if I don't stick up for her, she rages, if I tell her how i

feel she rages. Last night we had a whopper arguement becuase she said I love

you, this after her being condescending with me on another matter and I said

yea. She said what does that mean I said well you say it mom but I just don't

know that I believe it. Well, all hell broke loose. SHe grilled me over and

over till i told her that i felt she never really loved me. She said, " I was

ridiculous and that i should get over what happened in my childhood and it

wasn't that bad nor is she that bad. " Despite the fact that she raged like

mommie dearest thru my childhood, dumped me off with any family member she could

find to watch me, had no problems stealing from family even her own mother,

never held a job for any length of time, her and my dad would have raging fights

where i would be hiding behind the bed or in closets...the police were called

more times that I can count. She was in several mental hospitols in which the

psychiatrist told my dad your wife has a character disorder and it won't change

you will end up having no choice but to leave her for your sanity. Well, he

did...and left me with her.

> > >

> > > Noone in her family will have anything to do with her and haven't for many

years. So, it is just me. I am an only child and this is hell. Thankfully, she

moved to Florida many years ago but even the distance doesn't stop her from

spreading her wrath on the phone. When I hung up the phone last night I sat and

cried because she finally did admit while drunk that I was right she really

didn't want a child and really didn't want to be a mother. I felt that all my

life but hearing her say it hurt very much but it also validated what i always

knew.

> > >

> > > I was supposed to make a visit down to see her in July but she told me

last night don't bother coming because she doens't like the way I talk to her

anymore and that I am not the daughter she raised. Well, in some ways she is

right, I am no longer the door mat who will put up with her talking to me like a

dog. I am no longer willing to be her punching bag or let her bully me. My mom

has a way of recreating history to suit herself which of course her version

always makes her look better and minimizes my feelings. So, last night I had it

and spoke my truth....she didn't like it one bit. Here we are again at odds.

> > >

> > > I am so glad I found and a group of folks who truly understand how

devastating having a BPD parent can be. Thanks for reading.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You said this perfectly about NC, " It is the lessor of two evils " . It is not a

panacea but sometimes it needs to be done if the relationship gets too toxic. I

think going in and out of NC and limited contact is probally the only way to get

some peace at times and a break from the crazy behavior. I wish there were more

options but so far I haven't found any others.

Thank you for clarifying the point about Character disorder being the general

term back then for personality disorder. I do remember my dad told me when I was

adult that they told him it wouldn't change. I think her whole family thought

that therapy would help but he blatantly told him it would not. My mom was in

many rehabs and mental hospitols thru the years. The last rehab was about 10

years ago and they called me in and told me that she broke every rule there

except for sexual misconduct and they didn't know how I could tolerate

her....This from the clinical director of the rehab! The director was

infuriated with my mother who did nothing but verbally attack her and every

other staff member, my mom accused them of turning her daughter against her and

of them being no more than reformed drunks themselves. The director told me if

it was her mother she would walk away. It was something I will never forget. It

was shortly after that I went NC for 8 years. With the new HEPA laws I have no

idea what her officiial diagnosis was it has to be BPD In my opinion or even

Anti Social, NPD. However, all the personality disorders have some overlap in

traits so it can be hard to tell. Bottom line is she has one PD maybe even

several.

ltChildren1 , " anuria67854 " wrote:

>

> I can relate to your description of what its like trying to have a

relationship with your mother. The instability, the being sweet and loving

sometimes but then the lashing out in anger for sometimes bewildering or unknown

reasons. I too am in (virtual) No Contact for about 3 years now, and its not a

panacea: its just the lesser of two evils; its slightly more bearable than being

in contact.

>

> Yes, " character disorder " was an earlier term for any " personality disorder " .

According to the article on bpd at Wikipedia, the " history of " section says

that: " Standardized criteria were developed[82] to distinguish BPD from

affective disorders and other Axis I disorders, and BPD became a personality

disorder diagnosis in 1980 with the publication of DSM-III.[76] " The article

goes on to say that " Adolf Stern wrote the first significant psychoanalytic work

to use the term " borderline " in 1938,[80] referring to a group of patients with

what was thought to be a mild form of schizophrenia, on the borderline between

neurosis and psychosis. "

>

> My own personal opinion is that this first researcher hit the bulls-eye with

his first try. Athough currently this opinion is out of favor, I myself now

believe that at least in my own mother's case, mild schizophrenia would explain

a lot of her behaviors. I think her negatively-skewed perceptions of reality

led to her chronic delusional thinking and paranoia, its just that when she was

younger she was better able to control it, but it leaked out in her screaming

rage-tantrums in which she'd make all kinds of horrible accusations that had no

basis in reality.

>

> So, anyway. I can relate to your feelings of frustration and sadness.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

>

>

> > > >

> > > > Hi Everyone,

> > > >

> > > > I am so glad to found this forum. I have been reading the posts and

feel like I can relate to so much here. My mother is BPD and alcholic. I am

frustrated, tired and just don't know where to turn anymore. I am 44 and she is

65 years old and it has been a lifetime of crazy behavior. I have tried

everything even went No Contact for 8 years. Nothing has changed her behavior

one iota. We have been back to talking again the past 2 years and for the first

year or so she was great now I feel like we are right back to where we were 10

years ago which is the reason I cut off contact. The rages, the drunk, abusive

phone calls, the put downs, the drama, on and on. If I don't agree with what

she says she rages, if I don't stick up for her, she rages, if I tell her how i

feel she rages. Last night we had a whopper arguement becuase she said I love

you, this after her being condescending with me on another matter and I said

yea. She said what does that mean I said well you say it mom but I just don't

know that I believe it. Well, all hell broke loose. SHe grilled me over and

over till i told her that i felt she never really loved me. She said, " I was

ridiculous and that i should get over what happened in my childhood and it

wasn't that bad nor is she that bad. " Despite the fact that she raged like

mommie dearest thru my childhood, dumped me off with any family member she could

find to watch me, had no problems stealing from family even her own mother,

never held a job for any length of time, her and my dad would have raging fights

where i would be hiding behind the bed or in closets...the police were called

more times that I can count. She was in several mental hospitols in which the

psychiatrist told my dad your wife has a character disorder and it won't change

you will end up having no choice but to leave her for your sanity. Well, he

did...and left me with her.

> > > >

> > > > Noone in her family will have anything to do with her and haven't for

many years. So, it is just me. I am an only child and this is hell.

Thankfully, she moved to Florida many years ago but even the distance doesn't

stop her from spreading her wrath on the phone. When I hung up the phone last

night I sat and cried because she finally did admit while drunk that I was right

she really didn't want a child and really didn't want to be a mother. I felt

that all my life but hearing her say it hurt very much but it also validated

what i always knew.

> > > >

> > > > I was supposed to make a visit down to see her in July but she told me

last night don't bother coming because she doens't like the way I talk to her

anymore and that I am not the daughter she raised. Well, in some ways she is

right, I am no longer the door mat who will put up with her talking to me like a

dog. I am no longer willing to be her punching bag or let her bully me. My mom

has a way of recreating history to suit herself which of course her version

always makes her look better and minimizes my feelings. So, last night I had it

and spoke my truth....she didn't like it one bit. Here we are again at odds.

> > > >

> > > > I am so glad I found and a group of folks who truly understand how

devastating having a BPD parent can be. Thanks for reading.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>