Yet another new member

[Guest guest]

Hello, folks. I've been lurking for about two weeks now, and have

already benefited from your accounts and conversations.

I'm a 40 year old male, happily married with our first baby due on

September. Around the beginning of the year, I started going to

therapy with the specific goal of dealing with my mother.

My relationship with my mother has always been complicated; 10 years

ago I would have said that she was needy, paranoid, hypersensitive,

insecure, and self-centered. After therapy, and reading a bunch of

books (Stop Walking On Eggshells, notably), I'd say she's probably

Narcissistic with some Borderline and Histrionic traits.

She was a fine mother in many respects. Growing up, I never felt

unloved; I never thought she might leave, and I was well provided-for.

However, there were plenty of episodes in which she exploded for

seemingly no reason. She punished me for not anticipating her needs

and meeting them prior to her asking. (Oddly, this has probably made

me a better husband, but I don't think the ends justify the means.)

She usually expressed herself through anger, silent treatment,

slamming doors and cabinets, etc. I was well-trained to become upset

when she was upset at me.

In my adulthood that our relationship has become even tougher. I've

needed the boundary between us to be wider and taller, and the few

times I brought it up gently, she seemed receptive but there was no

change.

So a little over two months ago, after my mother blew up at me and my

wife for something, I decided it was time to draw the line. I told

her that I would no longer respond to allegations that I'd hurt her.

" You hurt me, I demand an explanation and an apology " was a privilege

she'd demonstrated a pattern of abusing, often (I believe) as a form

of manipulation. Over the last 2 months, I've reiterated that point

in many different ways; some were gentle, some were not. This made

her furious and she's stayed like that since.

The difficult part has been not getting drawn into her long,

complicated, detail-filled arguments. They involve a combination of

things I've said recently, things I said long ago, patterns she

believes she sees, and the overall message is consistent: " I have

PROOF that you don't love me. Explain and apologize there will be

dire consequences. " Recently it's become amped up - she's started

adding insults, psychological diagnoses of me and my wife, and

informal surveys of her friends that demonstrate how wrong, cruel, and

angry I am. It's very tempting to respond point-by-point, but I

realized early in this process that it was a trap to do so. My mantra

became, " I disagree with the fundamental terms of the argument, so I'm

not going to respond to individual points. "

Where we stand currently, she's ordered me not to send any more emails

discussing my problems with her. From my perspective, of course, I

was only saying those things because she persisted in emailing me

*her* problems with *me*. So I responded saying, " I agree, we should

stop talking about the unresolvable problems we have with each other. "

I guess, as I write this, I realize that I haven't followed through on

my policy not to respond when she tells me she's hurt; I've been

responding by reiterating that I'm not going to respond. So maybe the

next step is simply not to respond at all, and email her updates on

the baby's progress.

It's really unfortunate that it's come to this. She's a profoundly

tragic figure to me - she came from a damaged, abusive home, and I

think did the best she could. However, as I'm about to bring my own

child into the world, I have a responsibility to halt the flow of

crazy into my house.

[Guest guest]

I really feel for you. You sound like a nice person. I hope you will keep this

baby away from her. If I were you my mantra would be " do not engage " .

----------

Please excuse any typos or terseness, this message was sent from a mobile

device.

Yet another new member

Hello, folks. I've been lurking for about two weeks now, and have

already benefited from your accounts and conversations.

I'm a 40 year old male, happily married with our first baby due on

September. Around the beginning of the year, I started going to

therapy with the specific goal of dealing with my mother.

My relationship with my mother has always been complicated; 10 years

ago I would have said that she was needy, paranoid, hypersensitive,

insecure, and self-centered. After therapy, and reading a bunch of

books (Stop Walking On Eggshells, notably), I'd say she's probably

Narcissistic with some Borderline and Histrionic traits.

She was a fine mother in many respects. Growing up, I never felt

unloved; I never thought she might leave, and I was well provided-for.

However, there were plenty of episodes in which she exploded for

seemingly no reason. She punished me for not anticipating her needs

and meeting them prior to her asking. (Oddly, this has probably made

me a better husband, but I don't think the ends justify the means.)

She usually expressed herself through anger, silent treatment,

slamming doors and cabinets, etc. I was well-trained to become upset

when she was upset at me.

In my adulthood that our relationship has become even tougher. I've

needed the boundary between us to be wider and taller, and the few

times I brought it up gently, she seemed receptive but there was no

change.

So a little over two months ago, after my mother blew up at me and my

wife for something, I decided it was time to draw the line. I told

her that I would no longer respond to allegations that I'd hurt her.

" You hurt me, I demand an explanation and an apology " was a privilege

she'd demonstrated a pattern of abusing, often (I believe) as a form

of manipulation. Over the last 2 months, I've reiterated that point

in many different ways; some were gentle, some were not. This made

her furious and she's stayed like that since.

The difficult part has been not getting drawn into her long,

complicated, detail-filled arguments. They involve a combination of

things I've said recently, things I said long ago, patterns she

believes she sees, and the overall message is consistent: " I have

PROOF that you don't love me. Explain and apologize there will be

dire consequences. " Recently it's become amped up - she's started

adding insults, psychological diagnoses of me and my wife, and

informal surveys of her friends that demonstrate how wrong, cruel, and

angry I am. It's very tempting to respond point-by-point, but I

realized early in this process that it was a trap to do so. My mantra

became, " I disagree with the fundamental terms of the argument, so I'm

not going to respond to individual points. "

Where we stand currently, she's ordered me not to send any more emails

discussing my problems with her. From my perspective, of course, I

was only saying those things because she persisted in emailing me

*her* problems with *me*. So I responded saying, " I agree, we should

stop talking about the unresolvable problems we have with each other. "

I guess, as I write this, I realize that I haven't followed through on

my policy not to respond when she tells me she's hurt; I've been

responding by reiterating that I'm not going to respond. So maybe the

next step is simply not to respond at all, and email her updates on

the baby's progress.

It's really unfortunate that it's come to this. She's a profoundly

tragic figure to me - she came from a damaged, abusive home, and I

think did the best she could. However, as I'm about to bring my own

child into the world, I have a responsibility to halt the flow of

crazy into my house.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Welcome to the Group.

You have a great level of insight and awareness in recognizing that your

mother's problems are due to borderline pd. That is at least half the battle.

It is also really good that you recognize that it falls on you to set the

boundaries with her, understanding that she will fight you on this and continue

to make unreasonable demands based on her irrational beliefs and feelings that

YOU are responsible for making her happy.

The sad part about bpd is that those with bpd are usually incapable of realizing

and accepting that there is something wrong with their own thinking and

behaviors, and incapable of accepting that they need therapy. Those with bpd

believe that the way they think and behave is normal, rational, and justified;

they are not upset by their own dysfunction. Instead, they blame everyone else

for causing their problems and unhappiness and see themselves as perpetual

victims. They can't or won't take personal responsibility for their words and

behaviors. Its called having an " ego syntonic " condition.

That's great that you've read " Stop Walking On Eggshells " and realize that

boundary-setting is important when dealing with such an individual. Its

especially important now that you have created your own family, and have a baby

on the way. Your wife is counting on you to set boundaries with your mother RE

how she treats you and your wife and your children.

It won't be easy, but its important to take the dominant position and in effect

be the " boss " regarding your mother's relationship with you and your family, at

this point.

There are lots of good books out there now about how to set and maintain

boundaries, books about personality disorder, books about overcoming

co-dependency, etc. There is a list of them at the home page/website of this

support group, at bpdcentral.com. I highly recommend " Understanding the

Borderline Mother " and " Surviving A Borderline Parent. "

You did not make your mother have this disorder, and you can't cure her. She is

the only person who has the power to make herself happy inside herself, happy

with herself; she is the only person who can choose to get help for herself in

therapy. You can't make her happy, you can't make her go into therapy.

The only power you have is over your own choices and actions and words.

It does not make you a bad human being or a bad son to protect yourself from

abuse, even if the abuse is coming from your own mother.

Again, welcome to the Group. We are in the same boat and get where you're

coming from.

-Annie

>

> Hello, folks. I've been lurking for about two weeks now, and have

> already benefited from your accounts and conversations.

>

> I'm a 40 year old male, happily married with our first baby due on

> September. Around the beginning of the year, I started going to

> therapy with the specific goal of dealing with my mother.

>

> My relationship with my mother has always been complicated; 10 years

> ago I would have said that she was needy, paranoid, hypersensitive,

> insecure, and self-centered. After therapy, and reading a bunch of

> books (Stop Walking On Eggshells, notably), I'd say she's probably

> Narcissistic with some Borderline and Histrionic traits.

>

> She was a fine mother in many respects. Growing up, I never felt

> unloved; I never thought she might leave, and I was well provided-for.

>

> However, there were plenty of episodes in which she exploded for

> seemingly no reason. She punished me for not anticipating her needs

> and meeting them prior to her asking. (Oddly, this has probably made

> me a better husband, but I don't think the ends justify the means.)

> She usually expressed herself through anger, silent treatment,

> slamming doors and cabinets, etc. I was well-trained to become upset

> when she was upset at me.

>

> In my adulthood that our relationship has become even tougher. I've

> needed the boundary between us to be wider and taller, and the few

> times I brought it up gently, she seemed receptive but there was no

> change.

>

> So a little over two months ago, after my mother blew up at me and my

> wife for something, I decided it was time to draw the line. I told

> her that I would no longer respond to allegations that I'd hurt her.

> " You hurt me, I demand an explanation and an apology " was a privilege

> she'd demonstrated a pattern of abusing, often (I believe) as a form

> of manipulation. Over the last 2 months, I've reiterated that point

> in many different ways; some were gentle, some were not. This made

> her furious and she's stayed like that since.

>

> The difficult part has been not getting drawn into her long,

> complicated, detail-filled arguments. They involve a combination of

> things I've said recently, things I said long ago, patterns she

> believes she sees, and the overall message is consistent: " I have

> PROOF that you don't love me. Explain and apologize there will be

> dire consequences. " Recently it's become amped up - she's started

> adding insults, psychological diagnoses of me and my wife, and

> informal surveys of her friends that demonstrate how wrong, cruel, and

> angry I am. It's very tempting to respond point-by-point, but I

> realized early in this process that it was a trap to do so. My mantra

> became, " I disagree with the fundamental terms of the argument, so I'm

> not going to respond to individual points. "

>

> Where we stand currently, she's ordered me not to send any more emails

> discussing my problems with her. From my perspective, of course, I

> was only saying those things because she persisted in emailing me

> *her* problems with *me*. So I responded saying, " I agree, we should

> stop talking about the unresolvable problems we have with each other. "

>

> I guess, as I write this, I realize that I haven't followed through on

> my policy not to respond when she tells me she's hurt; I've been

> responding by reiterating that I'm not going to respond. So maybe the

> next step is simply not to respond at all, and email her updates on

> the baby's progress.

>

> It's really unfortunate that it's come to this. She's a profoundly

> tragic figure to me - she came from a damaged, abusive home, and I

> think did the best she could. However, as I'm about to bring my own

> child into the world, I have a responsibility to halt the flow of

> crazy into my house.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Amen!

(to halting the flow of crazy).

The reason she's amping it up is because she is increasingly becoming less able

to justify leaning on you and putting you in the parent role and herself in the

child role, now that you have become a parent and you legitimately have a child

of your own...it's almost like sibling rivalry in a sense, she is afraid she is

going to lose out to her new 'sibling'. Sorry if that creeps you out. It

definitely sounds like she has crossed alot of boundaries and there has been

emotional incest going on. I think it's easy to slip into these habits as mother

and son as the son grows bigger and taller and the mother sees him as more of

someone who can 'rescue' her from her troubles, like a mate would have done in

the past. You don't have any obligation to fulfill those roles for her. She's a

big girl and it seems like the repeated demands for apology demonstrate that she

has hurt she needs counseling for (not from you, from the past that she is

projecting onto you because you are 'safer' than confronting whatever trauma she

might have experienced).

This is a daily struggle for me, to remind myself that whatever trauma someone

has endured, once they reach the age of majority, that trauma, its repercussions

in their life, the feelings it provokes, the reactions it provokes, however it

might skew their perceptions, that is THEIR responsibility in this life to deal

with and doing so is THEIR work to do in this life and I CAN'T do it for them,

no matter what, I cannot fix them.

You are one hundred percent right to pull your energy back from this no-win

situation and put it into your spouse and new family. With a borderline trying

to 'help' in the way they insist you can and should is like standing at a gas

pump putting gas into a tank with no bottom. The gas just pours out all over the

place, you lose money and waste time and there is just no end in sight (and

inevitably everything blows up in your face). You have all the right

instincts, you just need validation and support to deal with it, because even

though you are doing the right thing based on the right motives, she isn't going

to like it very much.

>

> Hello, folks. I've been lurking for about two weeks now, and have

> already benefited from your accounts and conversations.

>

> I'm a 40 year old male, happily married with our first baby due on

> September. Around the beginning of the year, I started going to

> therapy with the specific goal of dealing with my mother.

>

> My relationship with my mother has always been complicated; 10 years

> ago I would have said that she was needy, paranoid, hypersensitive,

> insecure, and self-centered. After therapy, and reading a bunch of

> books (Stop Walking On Eggshells, notably), I'd say she's probably

> Narcissistic with some Borderline and Histrionic traits.

>

> She was a fine mother in many respects. Growing up, I never felt

> unloved; I never thought she might leave, and I was well provided-for.

>

> However, there were plenty of episodes in which she exploded for

> seemingly no reason. She punished me for not anticipating her needs

> and meeting them prior to her asking. (Oddly, this has probably made

> me a better husband, but I don't think the ends justify the means.)

> She usually expressed herself through anger, silent treatment,

> slamming doors and cabinets, etc. I was well-trained to become upset

> when she was upset at me.

>

> In my adulthood that our relationship has become even tougher. I've

> needed the boundary between us to be wider and taller, and the few

> times I brought it up gently, she seemed receptive but there was no

> change.

>

> So a little over two months ago, after my mother blew up at me and my

> wife for something, I decided it was time to draw the line. I told

> her that I would no longer respond to allegations that I'd hurt her.

> " You hurt me, I demand an explanation and an apology " was a privilege

> she'd demonstrated a pattern of abusing, often (I believe) as a form

> of manipulation. Over the last 2 months, I've reiterated that point

> in many different ways; some were gentle, some were not. This made

> her furious and she's stayed like that since.

>

> The difficult part has been not getting drawn into her long,

> complicated, detail-filled arguments. They involve a combination of

> things I've said recently, things I said long ago, patterns she

> believes she sees, and the overall message is consistent: " I have

> PROOF that you don't love me. Explain and apologize there will be

> dire consequences. " Recently it's become amped up - she's started

> adding insults, psychological diagnoses of me and my wife, and

> informal surveys of her friends that demonstrate how wrong, cruel, and

> angry I am. It's very tempting to respond point-by-point, but I

> realized early in this process that it was a trap to do so. My mantra

> became, " I disagree with the fundamental terms of the argument, so I'm

> not going to respond to individual points. "

>

> Where we stand currently, she's ordered me not to send any more emails

> discussing my problems with her. From my perspective, of course, I

> was only saying those things because she persisted in emailing me

> *her* problems with *me*. So I responded saying, " I agree, we should

> stop talking about the unresolvable problems we have with each other. "

>

> I guess, as I write this, I realize that I haven't followed through on

> my policy not to respond when she tells me she's hurt; I've been

> responding by reiterating that I'm not going to respond. So maybe the

> next step is simply not to respond at all, and email her updates on

> the baby's progress.

>

> It's really unfortunate that it's come to this. She's a profoundly

> tragic figure to me - she came from a damaged, abusive home, and I

> think did the best she could. However, as I'm about to bring my own

> child into the world, I have a responsibility to halt the flow of

> crazy into my house.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Welcome to the group; i liked how you said, your mother is a " profoundly

tragic figure. " My mother is as well, someone who focuses on the doom and gloom

of situations, doesn't like parties b/c I suppose, people are smiling and it

makes her uncomfortable. In her estimation, no one works harder, loves harder,

and takes things as seriously as she.

And same here, functionally as a mother, mine fed me, educated me, etc. But

emotionally, it's been one hell of a ride.

Was your mother accepting of your wife when you got engaged/married? Just

curious.

Good for you for already protecting your baby; it's never too early. I wish I'd

started earlier than I did.

Take care and again, welcome.

Fiona

>

> Hello, folks. I've been lurking for about two weeks now, and have

> already benefited from your accounts and conversations.

>

> I'm a 40 year old male, happily married with our first baby due on

> September. Around the beginning of the year, I started going to

> therapy with the specific goal of dealing with my mother.

>

> My relationship with my mother has always been complicated; 10 years

> ago I would have said that she was needy, paranoid, hypersensitive,

> insecure, and self-centered. After therapy, and reading a bunch of

> books (Stop Walking On Eggshells, notably), I'd say she's probably

> Narcissistic with some Borderline and Histrionic traits.

>

> She was a fine mother in many respects. Growing up, I never felt

> unloved; I never thought she might leave, and I was well provided-for.

>

> However, there were plenty of episodes in which she exploded for

> seemingly no reason. She punished me for not anticipating her needs

> and meeting them prior to her asking. (Oddly, this has probably made

> me a better husband, but I don't think the ends justify the means.)

> She usually expressed herself through anger, silent treatment,

> slamming doors and cabinets, etc. I was well-trained to become upset

> when she was upset at me.

>

> In my adulthood that our relationship has become even tougher. I've

> needed the boundary between us to be wider and taller, and the few

> times I brought it up gently, she seemed receptive but there was no

> change.

>

> So a little over two months ago, after my mother blew up at me and my

> wife for something, I decided it was time to draw the line. I told

> her that I would no longer respond to allegations that I'd hurt her.

> " You hurt me, I demand an explanation and an apology " was a privilege

> she'd demonstrated a pattern of abusing, often (I believe) as a form

> of manipulation. Over the last 2 months, I've reiterated that point

> in many different ways; some were gentle, some were not. This made

> her furious and she's stayed like that since.

>

> The difficult part has been not getting drawn into her long,

> complicated, detail-filled arguments. They involve a combination of

> things I've said recently, things I said long ago, patterns she

> believes she sees, and the overall message is consistent: " I have

> PROOF that you don't love me. Explain and apologize there will be

> dire consequences. " Recently it's become amped up - she's started

> adding insults, psychological diagnoses of me and my wife, and

> informal surveys of her friends that demonstrate how wrong, cruel, and

> angry I am. It's very tempting to respond point-by-point, but I

> realized early in this process that it was a trap to do so. My mantra

> became, " I disagree with the fundamental terms of the argument, so I'm

> not going to respond to individual points. "

>

> Where we stand currently, she's ordered me not to send any more emails

> discussing my problems with her. From my perspective, of course, I

> was only saying those things because she persisted in emailing me

> *her* problems with *me*. So I responded saying, " I agree, we should

> stop talking about the unresolvable problems we have with each other. "

>

> I guess, as I write this, I realize that I haven't followed through on

> my policy not to respond when she tells me she's hurt; I've been

> responding by reiterating that I'm not going to respond. So maybe the

> next step is simply not to respond at all, and email her updates on

> the baby's progress.

>

> It's really unfortunate that it's come to this. She's a profoundly

> tragic figure to me - she came from a damaged, abusive home, and I

> think did the best she could. However, as I'm about to bring my own

> child into the world, I have a responsibility to halt the flow of

> crazy into my house.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the kind and supportive words, everyone.

Last night after another email tirade from her, I simply replied by saying,

" Okay, I think that's enough. " That met with a whole new level of fury,

followed by resignation, saying that she's going to " withdraw " so that I

can't hurt her anymore. Then, of course, blame - " I hope you're happy now,

because I'm broken-hearted. "

I'm not happy, of course, but I am relieved. I don't expect her to

disappear forever, but I feel confident now that I'll have the will to make

sure any contact happens on my terms rather than hers. I think, in a way,

the scariest thing about this whole process has been the threat of my own

weakness - that I wouldn't be able to break free from the (literally)

life-long patterns of supplication and enabling.

Fiona - she was accepting of my wife overall, yes, though she recently

revised history to say that she " always knew Claire disliked her " . Needless

to say, that was never the case, and there was a mountain of evidence to the

contrary. But that's how the game works, right?

> **

>

>

> Hi ,

>

> Welcome to the group; i liked how you said, your mother is a " profoundly

> tragic figure. " My mother is as well, someone who focuses on the doom and

> gloom of situations, doesn't like parties b/c I suppose, people are smiling

> and it makes her uncomfortable. In her estimation, no one works harder,

> loves harder, and takes things as seriously as she.

>

> And same here, functionally as a mother, mine fed me, educated me, etc. But

> emotionally, it's been one hell of a ride.

>

> Was your mother accepting of your wife when you got engaged/married? Just

> curious.

>

> Good for you for already protecting your baby; it's never too early. I wish

> I'd started earlier than I did.

>

> Take care and again, welcome.

>

> Fiona

>

>

>

> >

> > Hello, folks. I've been lurking for about two weeks now, and have

> > already benefited from your accounts and conversations.

> >

> > I'm a 40 year old male, happily married with our first baby due on

> > September. Around the beginning of the year, I started going to

> > therapy with the specific goal of dealing with my mother.

> >

> > My relationship with my mother has always been complicated; 10 years

> > ago I would have said that she was needy, paranoid, hypersensitive,

> > insecure, and self-centered. After therapy, and reading a bunch of

> > books (Stop Walking On Eggshells, notably), I'd say she's probably

> > Narcissistic with some Borderline and Histrionic traits.

> >

> > She was a fine mother in many respects. Growing up, I never felt

> > unloved; I never thought she might leave, and I was well provided-for.

> >

> > However, there were plenty of episodes in which she exploded for

> > seemingly no reason. She punished me for not anticipating her needs

> > and meeting them prior to her asking. (Oddly, this has probably made

> > me a better husband, but I don't think the ends justify the means.)

> > She usually expressed herself through anger, silent treatment,

> > slamming doors and cabinets, etc. I was well-trained to become upset

> > when she was upset at me.

> >

> > In my adulthood that our relationship has become even tougher. I've

> > needed the boundary between us to be wider and taller, and the few

> > times I brought it up gently, she seemed receptive but there was no

> > change.

> >

> > So a little over two months ago, after my mother blew up at me and my

> > wife for something, I decided it was time to draw the line. I told

> > her that I would no longer respond to allegations that I'd hurt her.

> > " You hurt me, I demand an explanation and an apology " was a privilege

> > she'd demonstrated a pattern of abusing, often (I believe) as a form

> > of manipulation. Over the last 2 months, I've reiterated that point

> > in many different ways; some were gentle, some were not. This made

> > her furious and she's stayed like that since.

> >

> > The difficult part has been not getting drawn into her long,

> > complicated, detail-filled arguments. They involve a combination of

> > things I've said recently, things I said long ago, patterns she

> > believes she sees, and the overall message is consistent: " I have

> > PROOF that you don't love me. Explain and apologize there will be

> > dire consequences. " Recently it's become amped up - she's started

> > adding insults, psychological diagnoses of me and my wife, and

> > informal surveys of her friends that demonstrate how wrong, cruel, and

> > angry I am. It's very tempting to respond point-by-point, but I

> > realized early in this process that it was a trap to do so. My mantra

> > became, " I disagree with the fundamental terms of the argument, so I'm

> > not going to respond to individual points. "

> >

> > Where we stand currently, she's ordered me not to send any more emails

> > discussing my problems with her. From my perspective, of course, I

> > was only saying those things because she persisted in emailing me

> > *her* problems with *me*. So I responded saying, " I agree, we should

> > stop talking about the unresolvable problems we have with each other. "

> >

> > I guess, as I write this, I realize that I haven't followed through on

> > my policy not to respond when she tells me she's hurt; I've been

> > responding by reiterating that I'm not going to respond. So maybe the

> > next step is simply not to respond at all, and email her updates on

> > the baby's progress.

> >

> > It's really unfortunate that it's come to this. She's a profoundly

> > tragic figure to me - she came from a damaged, abusive home, and I

> > think did the best she could. However, as I'm about to bring my own

> > child into the world, I have a responsibility to halt the flow of

> > crazy into my house.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Your mother sounds like MANY of the mothers discussed on this board. It sounds

like you are starting to set down some boundaries, which is great. At first,

your mother will fight them, but if you stick with it, it is possible she will

get used to it and it will make your life SO much better! She will realize you

are ignoring her impossible-to-win arguments and her crazy emails or phone calls

and will initiate them much less. You will never change her... but you can get

control of your own life and live in peace, and have a peaceful home for your

new baby. Stay strong.

Casey

>

> Hello, folks. I've been lurking for about two weeks now, and have

> already benefited from your accounts and conversations.

>

> I'm a 40 year old male, happily married with our first baby due on

> September. Around the beginning of the year, I started going to

> therapy with the specific goal of dealing with my mother.

>

> My relationship with my mother has always been complicated; 10 years

> ago I would have said that she was needy, paranoid, hypersensitive,

> insecure, and self-centered. After therapy, and reading a bunch of

> books (Stop Walking On Eggshells, notably), I'd say she's probably

> Narcissistic with some Borderline and Histrionic traits.

>

> She was a fine mother in many respects. Growing up, I never felt

> unloved; I never thought she might leave, and I was well provided-for.

>

> However, there were plenty of episodes in which she exploded for

> seemingly no reason. She punished me for not anticipating her needs

> and meeting them prior to her asking. (Oddly, this has probably made

> me a better husband, but I don't think the ends justify the means.)

> She usually expressed herself through anger, silent treatment,

> slamming doors and cabinets, etc. I was well-trained to become upset

> when she was upset at me.

>

> In my adulthood that our relationship has become even tougher. I've

> needed the boundary between us to be wider and taller, and the few

> times I brought it up gently, she seemed receptive but there was no

> change.

>

> So a little over two months ago, after my mother blew up at me and my

> wife for something, I decided it was time to draw the line. I told

> her that I would no longer respond to allegations that I'd hurt her.

> " You hurt me, I demand an explanation and an apology " was a privilege

> she'd demonstrated a pattern of abusing, often (I believe) as a form

> of manipulation. Over the last 2 months, I've reiterated that point

> in many different ways; some were gentle, some were not. This made

> her furious and she's stayed like that since.

>

> The difficult part has been not getting drawn into her long,

> complicated, detail-filled arguments. They involve a combination of

> things I've said recently, things I said long ago, patterns she

> believes she sees, and the overall message is consistent: " I have

> PROOF that you don't love me. Explain and apologize there will be

> dire consequences. " Recently it's become amped up - she's started

> adding insults, psychological diagnoses of me and my wife, and

> informal surveys of her friends that demonstrate how wrong, cruel, and

> angry I am. It's very tempting to respond point-by-point, but I

> realized early in this process that it was a trap to do so. My mantra

> became, " I disagree with the fundamental terms of the argument, so I'm

> not going to respond to individual points. "

>

> Where we stand currently, she's ordered me not to send any more emails

> discussing my problems with her. From my perspective, of course, I

> was only saying those things because she persisted in emailing me

> *her* problems with *me*. So I responded saying, " I agree, we should

> stop talking about the unresolvable problems we have with each other. "

>

> I guess, as I write this, I realize that I haven't followed through on

> my policy not to respond when she tells me she's hurt; I've been

> responding by reiterating that I'm not going to respond. So maybe the

> next step is simply not to respond at all, and email her updates on

> the baby's progress.

>

> It's really unfortunate that it's come to this. She's a profoundly

> tragic figure to me - she came from a damaged, abusive home, and I

> think did the best she could. However, as I'm about to bring my own

> child into the world, I have a responsibility to halt the flow of

> crazy into my house.

>

>

>