Guest guest Posted December 15, 2011 Report Share Posted December 15, 2011 Thinking of you Annie. And thinking of all of us, and all the various emotions we'll all feel when our Nadas and Fadas pass away. > > I just got the call from my Sister; she and one of our aunts are there with our mother (as well as the hospice worker); mother just passed away a few minutes ago, while in a coma. Sister said that there is a look of peace on her face. I asked Sister to kiss mother's forehead for me and tell her goodbye, and I hope she will find peace and happiness now. > > I'm glad I went to see mother when I did; I had a feeling that it was my last opportunity to see her alive. > > Even knowing that her death was coming, and expecting it, its still something that will take time for me to process. I am glad that I am able to cry; I was beginning to wonder if I had slipped back into a kind of semi-dissociative state and shut off all my feelings again. But when I spoke to my aunt on the phone, the tears came. > > Sister is supervising the arrangements; everything was already planned and in place RE nada's funeral, etc. The plan is to wait until Sister's son/my nephew can get leave from the military this spring to have a memorial service for mom and scatter her ashes where dad's were scattered. Mom had requested that; she wanted her earthly remains to be mingled with dad's. > > So. I just wanted to share that part of my story, my experience. I'm having mixed feelings of sadness and relief. My mother isn't scared or angry or frustrated or disappointed or in pain any more, and that's a good thing. > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2011 Report Share Posted December 15, 2011 I'm so sorry about the loss of the mother, both the one you never had and the one who was physically on this earth but not as a mother to you. At least she is in peace and now maybe, you'll have peace in your life. Thinking of you. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, December 15, 2011 2:21 PM Subject: Re: My Sister has just told me...  Thinking of you Annie. And thinking of all of us, and all the various emotions we'll all feel when our Nadas and Fadas pass away. > > I just got the call from my Sister; she and one of our aunts are there with our mother (as well as the hospice worker); mother just passed away a few minutes ago, while in a coma. Sister said that there is a look of peace on her face. I asked Sister to kiss mother's forehead for me and tell her goodbye, and I hope she will find peace and happiness now. > > I'm glad I went to see mother when I did; I had a feeling that it was my last opportunity to see her alive. > > Even knowing that her death was coming, and expecting it, its still something that will take time for me to process. I am glad that I am able to cry; I was beginning to wonder if I had slipped back into a kind of semi-dissociative state and shut off all my feelings again. But when I spoke to my aunt on the phone, the tears came. > > Sister is supervising the arrangements; everything was already planned and in place RE nada's funeral, etc. The plan is to wait until Sister's son/my nephew can get leave from the military this spring to have a memorial service for mom and scatter her ashes where dad's were scattered. Mom had requested that; she wanted her earthly remains to be mingled with dad's. > > So. I just wanted to share that part of my story, my experience. I'm having mixed feelings of sadness and relief. My mother isn't scared or angry or frustrated or disappointed or in pain any more, and that's a good thing. > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2011 Report Share Posted December 15, 2011 ((((Annie)))) I'm glad that you got a chance to see your nada before she died. I'm saying a prayer for you right now that you will feel comfort, closure and the peace that you so richly deserve. > > I just got the call from my Sister; she and one of our aunts are there with our mother (as well as the hospice worker); mother just passed away a few minutes ago, while in a coma. Sister said that there is a look of peace on her face. I asked Sister to kiss mother's forehead for me and tell her goodbye, and I hope she will find peace and happiness now. > > I'm glad I went to see mother when I did; I had a feeling that it was my last opportunity to see her alive. > > Even knowing that her death was coming, and expecting it, its still something that will take time for me to process. I am glad that I am able to cry; I was beginning to wonder if I had slipped back into a kind of semi-dissociative state and shut off all my feelings again. But when I spoke to my aunt on the phone, the tears came. > > Sister is supervising the arrangements; everything was already planned and in place RE nada's funeral, etc. The plan is to wait until Sister's son/my nephew can get leave from the military this spring to have a memorial service for mom and scatter her ashes where dad's were scattered. Mom had requested that; she wanted her earthly remains to be mingled with dad's. > > So. I just wanted to share that part of my story, my experience. I'm having mixed feelings of sadness and relief. My mother isn't scared or angry or frustrated or disappointed or in pain any more, and that's a good thing. > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2011 Report Share Posted December 15, 2011 Thinking of you and your sister, Annie. ((hugs)) On Thu, Dec 15, 2011 at 1:19 PM, anuria67854 wrote: > ** > > > I just got the call from my Sister; she and one of our aunts are there > with our mother (as well as the hospice worker); mother just passed away a > few minutes ago, while in a coma. Sister said that there is a look of peace > on her face. I asked Sister to kiss mother's forehead for me and tell her > goodbye, and I hope she will find peace and happiness now. > > I'm glad I went to see mother when I did; I had a feeling that it was my > last opportunity to see her alive. > > Even knowing that her death was coming, and expecting it, its still > something that will take time for me to process. I am glad that I am able > to cry; I was beginning to wonder if I had slipped back into a kind of > semi-dissociative state and shut off all my feelings again. But when I > spoke to my aunt on the phone, the tears came. > > Sister is supervising the arrangements; everything was already planned and > in place RE nada's funeral, etc. The plan is to wait until Sister's son/my > nephew can get leave from the military this spring to have a memorial > service for mom and scatter her ashes where dad's were scattered. Mom had > requested that; she wanted her earthly remains to be mingled with dad's. > > So. I just wanted to share that part of my story, my experience. I'm > having mixed feelings of sadness and relief. My mother isn't scared or > angry or frustrated or disappointed or in pain any more, and that's a good > thing. > > -Annie > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2011 Report Share Posted December 15, 2011 Annie. thank you for your support. I am amazed that at your own time of struggle you are reaching out to all of us. such compassion is something I admire. I have come to belive that when the mentally ill are free from their bodies and all of their flaws, that those people will finally be able to be free of their struggle. I wonder what my mother is like when she is not dictated by her illness. I hope that in the afterlife we can all see each other properly, and find peace. perhaps Nada's go away when they die, and we get to have eternity with a Mother. I hope you can have hope and peace in your grieving. Meikjn > > I just got the call from my Sister; she and one of our aunts are there with our mother (as well as the hospice worker); mother just passed away a few minutes ago, while in a coma. Sister said that there is a look of peace on her face. I asked Sister to kiss mother's forehead for me and tell her goodbye, and I hope she will find peace and happiness now. > > I'm glad I went to see mother when I did; I had a feeling that it was my last opportunity to see her alive. > > Even knowing that her death was coming, and expecting it, its still something that will take time for me to process. I am glad that I am able to cry; I was beginning to wonder if I had slipped back into a kind of semi-dissociative state and shut off all my feelings again. But when I spoke to my aunt on the phone, the tears came. > > Sister is supervising the arrangements; everything was already planned and in place RE nada's funeral, etc. The plan is to wait until Sister's son/my nephew can get leave from the military this spring to have a memorial service for mom and scatter her ashes where dad's were scattered. Mom had requested that; she wanted her earthly remains to be mingled with dad's. > > So. I just wanted to share that part of my story, my experience. I'm having mixed feelings of sadness and relief. My mother isn't scared or angry or frustrated or disappointed or in pain any more, and that's a good thing. > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2011 Report Share Posted December 15, 2011 Annie, best of luck going through this time! You did your best and that's all you can do. > ** > > > > Annie. thank you for your support. I am amazed that at your own time of > struggle you are reaching out to all of us. such compassion is something I > admire. > > I have come to belive that when the mentally ill are free from their > bodies and all of their flaws, that those people will finally be able to be > free of their struggle. > > I wonder what my mother is like when she is not dictated by her illness. > > I hope that in the afterlife we can all see each other properly, and find > peace. > > perhaps Nada's go away when they die, and we get to have eternity with a > Mother. > > I hope you can have hope and peace in your grieving. > > Meikjn > > > > > > > > I just got the call from my Sister; she and one of our aunts are there > with our mother (as well as the hospice worker); mother just passed away a > few minutes ago, while in a coma. Sister said that there is a look of peace > on her face. I asked Sister to kiss mother's forehead for me and tell her > goodbye, and I hope she will find peace and happiness now. > > > > I'm glad I went to see mother when I did; I had a feeling that it was my > last opportunity to see her alive. > > > > Even knowing that her death was coming, and expecting it, its still > something that will take time for me to process. I am glad that I am able > to cry; I was beginning to wonder if I had slipped back into a kind of > semi-dissociative state and shut off all my feelings again. But when I > spoke to my aunt on the phone, the tears came. > > > > Sister is supervising the arrangements; everything was already planned > and in place RE nada's funeral, etc. The plan is to wait until Sister's > son/my nephew can get leave from the military this spring to have a > memorial service for mom and scatter her ashes where dad's were scattered. > Mom had requested that; she wanted her earthly remains to be mingled with > dad's. > > > > So. I just wanted to share that part of my story, my experience. I'm > having mixed feelings of sadness and relief. My mother isn't scared or > angry or frustrated or disappointed or in pain any more, and that's a good > thing. > > > > -Annie > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2011 Report Share Posted December 15, 2011 Thinking of you, Annie. Sending hugs and hoping you find closure. > > > ** > > > > > > I just got the call from my Sister; she and one of our aunts are there > > with our mother (as well as the hospice worker); mother just passed away a > > few minutes ago, while in a coma. Sister said that there is a look of peace > > on her face. I asked Sister to kiss mother's forehead for me and tell her > > goodbye, and I hope she will find peace and happiness now. > > > > I'm glad I went to see mother when I did; I had a feeling that it was my > > last opportunity to see her alive. > > > > Even knowing that her death was coming, and expecting it, its still > > something that will take time for me to process. I am glad that I am able > > to cry; I was beginning to wonder if I had slipped back into a kind of > > semi-dissociative state and shut off all my feelings again. But when I > > spoke to my aunt on the phone, the tears came. > > > > Sister is supervising the arrangements; everything was already planned and > > in place RE nada's funeral, etc. The plan is to wait until Sister's son/my > > nephew can get leave from the military this spring to have a memorial > > service for mom and scatter her ashes where dad's were scattered. Mom had > > requested that; she wanted her earthly remains to be mingled with dad's. > > > > So. I just wanted to share that part of my story, my experience. I'm > > having mixed feelings of sadness and relief. My mother isn't scared or > > angry or frustrated or disappointed or in pain any more, and that's a good > > thing. > > > > -Annie > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2011 Report Share Posted December 15, 2011 Annie, Peace to you and your sister. Darcy > > I just got the call from my Sister; she and one of our aunts are there with our mother (as well as the hospice worker); mother just passed away a few minutes ago, while in a coma. Sister said that there is a look of peace on her face. I asked Sister to kiss mother's forehead for me and tell her goodbye, and I hope she will find peace and happiness now. > > I'm glad I went to see mother when I did; I had a feeling that it was my last opportunity to see her alive. > > Even knowing that her death was coming, and expecting it, its still something that will take time for me to process. I am glad that I am able to cry; I was beginning to wonder if I had slipped back into a kind of semi-dissociative state and shut off all my feelings again. But when I spoke to my aunt on the phone, the tears came. > > Sister is supervising the arrangements; everything was already planned and in place RE nada's funeral, etc. The plan is to wait until Sister's son/my nephew can get leave from the military this spring to have a memorial service for mom and scatter her ashes where dad's were scattered. Mom had requested that; she wanted her earthly remains to be mingled with dad's. > > So. I just wanted to share that part of my story, my experience. I'm having mixed feelings of sadness and relief. My mother isn't scared or angry or frustrated or disappointed or in pain any more, and that's a good thing. > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2011 Report Share Posted December 15, 2011 Oh Annie~~this all happened so fast. I am so glad you went out to see her the one last time, and so glad the part of her that was so toxic didn't rear itself for a last hurrah. You are entitled to lots of grief for all that has gone on and all that will never be, so don't short yourself. I am sorry Annie. Hugs to you and that indomitable sister of yours. Elise > > I just got the call from my Sister; she and one of our aunts are there with our mother (as well as the hospice worker); mother just passed away a few minutes ago, while in a coma. Sister said that there is a look of peace on her face. I asked Sister to kiss mother's forehead for me and tell her goodbye, and I hope she will find peace and happiness now. > > I'm glad I went to see mother when I did; I had a feeling that it was my last opportunity to see her alive. > > Even knowing that her death was coming, and expecting it, its still something that will take time for me to process. I am glad that I am able to cry; I was beginning to wonder if I had slipped back into a kind of semi-dissociative state and shut off all my feelings again. But when I spoke to my aunt on the phone, the tears came. > > Sister is supervising the arrangements; everything was already planned and in place RE nada's funeral, etc. The plan is to wait until Sister's son/my nephew can get leave from the military this spring to have a memorial service for mom and scatter her ashes where dad's were scattered. Mom had requested that; she wanted her earthly remains to be mingled with dad's. > > So. I just wanted to share that part of my story, my experience. I'm having mixed feelings of sadness and relief. My mother isn't scared or angry or frustrated or disappointed or in pain any more, and that's a good thing. > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2011 Report Share Posted December 15, 2011 ((((Annie))))) I can't begin to understand what you're experiencing right now, but please know you, your family, & your nada too are in my thoughts. I can only imagine this feels like a huge whirlwind of emotions. Please take care of yourself and know that, as you said, she is at peace. My thoughts, Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2011 Report Share Posted December 15, 2011 May you find peace Annie Sent from my iPhone > I just got the call from my Sister; she and one of our aunts are there with our mother (as well as the hospice worker); mother just passed away a few minutes ago, while in a coma. Sister said that there is a look of peace on her face. I asked Sister to kiss mother's forehead for me and tell her goodbye, and I hope she will find peace and happiness now. > > I'm glad I went to see mother when I did; I had a feeling that it was my last opportunity to see her alive. > > Even knowing that her death was coming, and expecting it, its still something that will take time for me to process. I am glad that I am able to cry; I was beginning to wonder if I had slipped back into a kind of semi-dissociative state and shut off all my feelings again. But when I spoke to my aunt on the phone, the tears came. > > Sister is supervising the arrangements; everything was already planned and in place RE nada's funeral, etc. The plan is to wait until Sister's son/my nephew can get leave from the military this spring to have a memorial service for mom and scatter her ashes where dad's were scattered. Mom had requested that; she wanted her earthly remains to be mingled with dad's. > > So. I just wanted to share that part of my story, my experience. I'm having mixed feelings of sadness and relief. My mother isn't scared or angry or frustrated or disappointed or in pain any more, and that's a good thing. > > -Annie > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2011 Report Share Posted December 15, 2011 ((((Annie)))) I know it's been a long road and I hope you can find peace and resolution with your mother's passing. I'm sorry for all the losses you experience connected with this. Take care, Eliza > > I just got the call from my Sister; she and one of our aunts are there with our mother (as well as the hospice worker); mother just passed away a few minutes ago, while in a coma. Sister said that there is a look of peace on her face. I asked Sister to kiss mother's forehead for me and tell her goodbye, and I hope she will find peace and happiness now. > > I'm glad I went to see mother when I did; I had a feeling that it was my last opportunity to see her alive. > > Even knowing that her death was coming, and expecting it, its still something that will take time for me to process. I am glad that I am able to cry; I was beginning to wonder if I had slipped back into a kind of semi-dissociative state and shut off all my feelings again. But when I spoke to my aunt on the phone, the tears came. > > Sister is supervising the arrangements; everything was already planned and in place RE nada's funeral, etc. The plan is to wait until Sister's son/my nephew can get leave from the military this spring to have a memorial service for mom and scatter her ashes where dad's were scattered. Mom had requested that; she wanted her earthly remains to be mingled with dad's. > > So. I just wanted to share that part of my story, my experience. I'm having mixed feelings of sadness and relief. My mother isn't scared or angry or frustrated or disappointed or in pain any more, and that's a good thing. > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2011 Report Share Posted December 16, 2011 All my love and strength to you Annie...this is certainly a new chapter, hopefully a bright one with possibilities, and no more pain regarding this subject. I hope you find peacefulness and meaning in her passing. I'm so sorry for all of us who have to figure these things out in our lifetimes. Her pain is over...and hopefully your load is lightened. I continue to appreciate all the insight you give to us...I hope our love and prayers comfort you now. Amy barrycove@... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2011 Report Share Posted December 16, 2011 Annie, I hope she does find peace and happiness now. I'm glad that you had the opportunity to make a last visit . At 02:19 PM 12/15/2011 anuria67854 wrote: >I just got the call from my Sister; she and one of our aunts >are there with our mother (as well as the hospice >worker); mother just passed away a few minutes ago, while in a >coma. Sister said that there is a look of peace on her >face. I asked Sister to kiss mother's forehead for me and tell >her goodbye, and I hope she will find peace and happiness now. > >I'm glad I went to see mother when I did; I had a feeling that >it was my last opportunity to see her alive. > >Even knowing that her death was coming, and expecting it, its >still something that will take time for me to process. I am >glad that I am able to cry; I was beginning to wonder if I had >slipped back into a kind of semi-dissociative state and shut >off all my feelings again. But when I spoke to my aunt on the >phone, the tears came. > >Sister is supervising the arrangements; everything was already >planned and in place RE nada's funeral, etc. The plan is to >wait until Sister's son/my nephew can get leave from the >military this spring to have a memorial service for mom and >scatter her ashes where dad's were scattered. Mom had >requested that; she wanted her earthly remains to be mingled >with dad's. > >So. I just wanted to share that part of my story, my >experience. I'm having mixed feelings of sadness and >relief. My mother isn't scared or angry or frustrated or >disappointed or in pain any more, and that's a good thing. > >-Annie > -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2011 Report Share Posted December 16, 2011 Hugs, Annie. I'm so sorry. > > I just got the call from my Sister; she and one of our aunts are there with our mother (as well as the hospice worker); mother just passed away a few minutes ago, while in a coma. Sister said that there is a look of peace on her face. I asked Sister to kiss mother's forehead for me and tell her goodbye, and I hope she will find peace and happiness now. > > I'm glad I went to see mother when I did; I had a feeling that it was my last opportunity to see her alive. > > Even knowing that her death was coming, and expecting it, its still something that will take time for me to process. I am glad that I am able to cry; I was beginning to wonder if I had slipped back into a kind of semi-dissociative state and shut off all my feelings again. But when I spoke to my aunt on the phone, the tears came. > > Sister is supervising the arrangements; everything was already planned and in place RE nada's funeral, etc. The plan is to wait until Sister's son/my nephew can get leave from the military this spring to have a memorial service for mom and scatter her ashes where dad's were scattered. Mom had requested that; she wanted her earthly remains to be mingled with dad's. > > So. I just wanted to share that part of my story, my experience. I'm having mixed feelings of sadness and relief. My mother isn't scared or angry or frustrated or disappointed or in pain any more, and that's a good thing. > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2011 Report Share Posted December 16, 2011 ((((Annie)))) Wishing you and your sister peace and healing. > > > > > I just got the call from my Sister; she and one of our aunts are there with our mother (as well as the hospice worker); mother just passed away a few minutes ago, while in a coma. Sister said that there is a look of peace on her face. I asked Sister to kiss mother's forehead for me and tell her goodbye, and I hope she will find peace and happiness now. > > > > I'm glad I went to see mother when I did; I had a feeling that it was my last opportunity to see her alive. > > > > Even knowing that her death was coming, and expecting it, its still something that will take time for me to process. I am glad that I am able to cry; I was beginning to wonder if I had slipped back into a kind of semi-dissociative state and shut off all my feelings again. But when I spoke to my aunt on the phone, the tears came. > > > > Sister is supervising the arrangements; everything was already planned and in place RE nada's funeral, etc. The plan is to wait until Sister's son/my nephew can get leave from the military this spring to have a memorial service for mom and scatter her ashes where dad's were scattered. Mom had requested that; she wanted her earthly remains to be mingled with dad's. > > > > So. I just wanted to share that part of my story, my experience. I'm having mixed feelings of sadness and relief. My mother isn't scared or angry or frustrated or disappointed or in pain any more, and that's a good thing. > > > > -Annie > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2011 Report Share Posted December 16, 2011 Annie, I'm just seeing this. I'm very sorry for your loss. I value your voice on this board tremendously; you have made a difference in my life and many times helped soothe my own discomforts. I hope that you may find similar peace and soothing in this difficult time, wherever that may be. --Charlie > > I just got the call from my Sister; she and one of our aunts are there with our mother (as well as the hospice worker); mother just passed away a few minutes ago, while in a coma. Sister said that there is a look of peace on her face. I asked Sister to kiss mother's forehead for me and tell her goodbye, and I hope she will find peace and happiness now. > > I'm glad I went to see mother when I did; I had a feeling that it was my last opportunity to see her alive. > > Even knowing that her death was coming, and expecting it, its still something that will take time for me to process. I am glad that I am able to cry; I was beginning to wonder if I had slipped back into a kind of semi-dissociative state and shut off all my feelings again. But when I spoke to my aunt on the phone, the tears came. > > Sister is supervising the arrangements; everything was already planned and in place RE nada's funeral, etc. The plan is to wait until Sister's son/my nephew can get leave from the military this spring to have a memorial service for mom and scatter her ashes where dad's were scattered. Mom had requested that; she wanted her earthly remains to be mingled with dad's. > > So. I just wanted to share that part of my story, my experience. I'm having mixed feelings of sadness and relief. My mother isn't scared or angry or frustrated or disappointed or in pain any more, and that's a good thing. > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2011 Report Share Posted December 16, 2011 Sorry Annie. Your emotions will be complex. You ll feel relief, and sadness, and guilt, and regret. It is all part of greiving, especially as a KO. I ve been there. Give yourself time. And be gentle. Reach out if I can help. Doug > > I just got the call from my Sister; she and one of our aunts are there with our mother (as well as the hospice worker); mother just passed away a few minutes ago, while in a coma. Sister said that there is a look of peace on her face. I asked Sister to kiss mother's forehead for me and tell her goodbye, and I hope she will find peace and happiness now. > > I'm glad I went to see mother when I did; I had a feeling that it was my last opportunity to see her alive. > > Even knowing that her death was coming, and expecting it, its still something that will take time for me to process. I am glad that I am able to cry; I was beginning to wonder if I had slipped back into a kind of semi-dissociative state and shut off all my feelings again. But when I spoke to my aunt on the phone, the tears came. > > Sister is supervising the arrangements; everything was already planned and in place RE nada's funeral, etc. The plan is to wait until Sister's son/my nephew can get leave from the military this spring to have a memorial service for mom and scatter her ashes where dad's were scattered. Mom had requested that; she wanted her earthly remains to be mingled with dad's. > > So. I just wanted to share that part of my story, my experience. I'm having mixed feelings of sadness and relief. My mother isn't scared or angry or frustrated or disappointed or in pain any more, and that's a good thing. > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2011 Report Share Posted December 16, 2011 Annie, the inevitable has come. May you find peace in this ending. You have been, and will continue to be, an inspiration for many of us. I remember well, the wise words of a healing friend, who was on the path ahead of me. She lost her mother, but had not admitted how much resentment sh had, until her mother died. She encouraged me to grieve the relationship with my mom (or rather the pain and hurt and inadequacy of it) BEFORE my mother died. I see you as having done this, in your path. It means for you that you can feel the tears and not have as much bitterness remaining. I am glad for your tears. May they be healing for you! Best, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2011 Report Share Posted December 16, 2011 Thanks , Doug, Charlotte, and all of you who have expressed your support. I truly appreciate it. I think you are right, ; both my Sister and I were discussing how we feel that we have already mourned and grieved our mother's passing before her physical death, and it does help now to be able to review our lives and remind ourselves that our mom was not all-bad all the time. She was a very unhappy person who was very mentally ill, but was capable of goodness and kindness. I feel the loss of those parts of her, the loving parts that I consider to be my real mother. All I can do is hope that she is happy now, and sane, and at peace in whatever plane of existence her spirit is in now. Thanks, -Annie > > Annie, the inevitable has come. May you find peace in this ending. You have been, and will continue to be, an inspiration for many of us. > > I remember well, the wise words of a healing friend, who was on the path ahead of me. She lost her mother, but had not admitted how much resentment sh had, until her mother died. She encouraged me to grieve the relationship with my mom (or rather the pain and hurt and inadequacy of it) BEFORE my mother died. I see you as having done this, in your path. It means for you that you can feel the tears and not have as much bitterness remaining. > > I am glad for your tears. May they be healing for you! > > Best, > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2011 Report Share Posted December 16, 2011 Dear Annie, I bet you will go through a whole series of surprising, sometimes conflicting, emotions over time. It's tough enough when an important person you have straight forward feelings for dies - but the death of a PD parent, belongs to a whole different realm. For me the emphasis of my grief when my father died was so much more about what never was, than what was and was lost. At first I was just confused, heavy and vaguely relieved. People who didn't know me well kept telling me how sorry they were that my father had passed away. Sometimes (even though I knew they wouldn't understand) I couldn't even contain myself but to tell them that I wasn't really sorry. Some looked aghast. I didn't really care though, because I wanted my relationship to his death to be honest even if my relationship to him had not been. Then he kept materializing in my dreams. Each dream had the same quality. In them I knew that he had never really had died, but no one else knew it, because he could only be seen by me. I tried to convince other people that he really was still alive, but no one would believe me. I later realized that this was just like real life. He was an NPD, white-collar, con artist type person. I had his number pretty early on as a child. I couldn't name it or articulate it well, but I knew he had no conscience and he knew I knew it. I " saw " him where others didn't. He was scared of me because of it, but he tried not to let me know. He was witty, bright and a womanizer. Life gave him lots of opportunities. He drew attention to his " good " qualities and fooled pretty much everyone around him. He took advantage of lots of people, especially his many wives (including my mother). Eventually I stopped having those dreams and the next phase for me was being furious with him in a really palpable way. I started remembering all these repressed injustices and times that he took advantage of me and was selfishly concerned about his own interests at the expense of mine -- his own child. I kept wishing that he would actually come back to life, so that I could tell him what a horrible excuse for a father and a human being he was with my new found memories and more advanced understanding. It took a toll on me after a while to be so angry with no real outlet for it. In time it faded, but, wow, it took a long time. One of the things that helped it dissipate, was to have a male supervisor of mine really, really get it. He was an all around good guy, as well as a psychologist, and he knew narcissism well. I was in training at that time as a therapist myself so sometimes my relationship with my father would come up during the supervision of my work with my own clients. I would hash it out with my supervisor, a sort of fatherly figure himself, who I was quite fond of, and it was reparative for me that he accepted my anger toward my father and that he himself was a male figure who did actually have my interests at heart. It was after that that I was finally able to find some compassion for my father in my own heart. I say " some " because it was a mix of real compassion, and something more like pity. He was so undeveloped, for all his sophistication. He was like Darth Vader, cunning and devious and powerful on the surface, but primitive and pathetically immature underneath. At that point my grief was more for him than about him, if that makes any sense. I found myself trying to imagine what he must have had to live through to be so stunted in his own growth as a human being that as a " professional " man in his sixties with several graduate degrees, he was really not much more evolved than a four year old. This is more or less where I sit with it to this day. He died about nine years ago. Who knows, I may even still have other unforeseen phases to go through about it. Anyway, Annie, I am telling you all of this in the hopes that whatever unfolds for you as you grieve, you give yourself permission to just let it happen, knowing that grief is a process. It's a bit mysterious. I think somewhere in us we each know intuitively how to heal ourselves and that is what grieving is all about. In retrospect I can say that although much of it was hard to experience, fighting against it made it harder. I needed to surrender to it, to trust it, and to let it happen in the peculiar way that it did. I hope you are able to surround yourself with kind and loving people when you need witnesses to your grief and I hope you give yourself permission to take time for yourself when that is what you need. I have noticed how available you are to people here in this online community. I hope you have people like yourself in your non virtual world available to you when you need them. I am sure people here want to be available to you and I am one of them. Warmly, HC > > > > I just got the call from my Sister; she and one of our aunts are there with our mother (as well as the hospice worker); mother just passed away a few minutes ago, while in a coma. Sister said that there is a look of peace on her face. I asked Sister to kiss mother's forehead for me and tell her goodbye, and I hope she will find peace and happiness now. > > > > I'm glad I went to see mother when I did; I had a feeling that it was my last opportunity to see her alive. > > > > Even knowing that her death was coming, and expecting it, its still something that will take time for me to process. I am glad that I am able to cry; I was beginning to wonder if I had slipped back into a kind of semi-dissociative state and shut off all my feelings again. But when I spoke to my aunt on the phone, the tears came. > > > > Sister is supervising the arrangements; everything was already planned and in place RE nada's funeral, etc. The plan is to wait until Sister's son/my nephew can get leave from the military this spring to have a memorial service for mom and scatter her ashes where dad's were scattered. Mom had requested that; she wanted her earthly remains to be mingled with dad's. > > > > So. I just wanted to share that part of my story, my experience. I'm having mixed feelings of sadness and relief. My mother isn't scared or angry or frustrated or disappointed or in pain any more, and that's a good thing. > > > > -Annie > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2011 Report Share Posted December 16, 2011 Thinking of you Anne. Thanks for sharing with us! Steph Re: My Sister has just told me... Annie. thank you for your support. I am amazed that at your own time of struggle you are reaching out to all of us. such compassion is something I admire. I have come to belive that when the mentally ill are free from their bodies and all of their flaws, that those people will finally be able to be free of their struggle. I wonder what my mother is like when she is not dictated by her illness. I hope that in the afterlife we can all see each other properly, and find peace. perhaps Nada's go away when they die, and we get to have eternity with a Mother. I hope you can have hope and peace in your grieving. Meikjn I just got the call from my Sister; she and one of our aunts are there with our mother (as well as the hospice worker); mother just passed away a few minutes ago, while in a coma. Sister said that there is a look of peace on her face. I asked Sister to kiss mother's forehead for me and tell her goodbye, and I hope she will find peace and happiness now. I'm glad I went to see mother when I did; I had a feeling that it was my last opportunity to see her alive. Even knowing that her death was coming, and expecting it, its still something that will take time for me to process. I am glad that I am able to cry; I was beginning to wonder if I had slipped back into a kind of semi-dissociative state and shut off all my feelings again. But when I spoke to my aunt on the phone, the tears came. Sister is supervising the arrangements; everything was already planned and in place RE nada's funeral, etc. The plan is to wait until Sister's son/my nephew can get leave from the military this spring to have a memorial service for mom and scatter her ashes where dad's were scattered. Mom had requested that; she wanted her earthly remains to be mingled with dad's. So. I just wanted to share that part of my story, my experience. I'm having mixed feelings of sadness and relief. My mother isn't scared or angry or frustrated or disappointed or in pain any more, and that's a good thing. -Annie ------------------------------------ **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST. To unsub from this list, send a blank email to WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe . Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)Yahoo! Groups Links Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2011 Report Share Posted December 16, 2011 Thank you for sharing that, HC; its true for me that my emotions surrounding the death of my pd parent are very mixed. I think I truly started grieving the loss of my mother/my nada several years ago, when Sister told me that she'd had it with our nada and was going total No Contact with her, and why. (Sister went No Contact with our nada off and on for the last few years of nada's life, in an effort to give nada consequences for behaving badly; it had little impact on nada's negative, abusive behaviors or her feelings of being justified to say and do exactly as she wanted at the moment. Sort of like trying to train a cat; most cats are not very trainable; they'll do the trick if they feel like it. Maybe.) For some reason, back when Sister's revelation of what my nada had said about us (me, Sister and her son), which made Sister first decide to go No Contact, that struck me the same way as though my Sister had said, " mom died. " I grieved rather deeply, for several days. Over the last few years of virtually No Contact with nada, I would sometimes think of the times nada truly acted like a mother and did kind, thoughtful things, and treated me as though I have feelings. She was never all bad, all the time. Having a nada truly is a " Jekyll and Hyde " or up and down, roller-coaster experience. A kiss on the cheek and a knife in the belly, at the same time. You certainly had a good grip on reality, HC, being able to see through your n-dad's " mask " and perceive his true nature and his toxic narcissistic pd at an early age. You must have a highly resilient core, I'm guessing. Thanks for your condolences, to you and Eliza and all the other members here. -Annie > > > > > > I just got the call from my Sister; she and one of our aunts are there with our mother (as well as the hospice worker); mother just passed away a few minutes ago, while in a coma. Sister said that there is a look of peace on her face. I asked Sister to kiss mother's forehead for me and tell her goodbye, and I hope she will find peace and happiness now. > > > > > > I'm glad I went to see mother when I did; I had a feeling that it was my last opportunity to see her alive. > > > > > > Even knowing that her death was coming, and expecting it, its still something that will take time for me to process. I am glad that I am able to cry; I was beginning to wonder if I had slipped back into a kind of semi-dissociative state and shut off all my feelings again. But when I spoke to my aunt on the phone, the tears came. > > > > > > Sister is supervising the arrangements; everything was already planned and in place RE nada's funeral, etc. The plan is to wait until Sister's son/my nephew can get leave from the military this spring to have a memorial service for mom and scatter her ashes where dad's were scattered. Mom had requested that; she wanted her earthly remains to be mingled with dad's. > > > > > > So. I just wanted to share that part of my story, my experience. I'm having mixed feelings of sadness and relief. My mother isn't scared or angry or frustrated or disappointed or in pain any more, and that's a good thing. > > > > > > -Annie > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2011 Report Share Posted December 16, 2011 Annie, Sometimes, I think we KO's have had to spend so much time grieving over what " might have been " and what we desired in regard to our relations with our nadas that what a death means is the final loss of all hope of it ever being any different. I think how hard it is for us is dependent upon how much we had ALREADY let go. I have let go of many things with my own nada. I still have a relationship with her, I am not NC and not even LC. It is just a HEAVILY, micro- managed relationship. I even had a pretty pleasant chat with her this evening. I am always on guard tho, always watching every word I say. Measuring it's weight before I say it knowing that each word can and likely WILL be hurled back at my head someday. I try to appreciate the good moments and guard against the truly distressing ones. It's kinda like a kid that never learns to swim. She's okay in the babypool wading around with her little water wings, but throw her into the deep end and she is gonna grab hold of the nearest neck and drag them down with her in her panic. I hope you still take the time to be kind to yourself and just breath. C > > I just got the call from my Sister; she and one of our aunts are there with our mother (as well as the hospice worker); mother just passed away a few minutes ago, while in a coma. Sister said that there is a look of peace on her face. I asked Sister to kiss mother's forehead for me and tell her goodbye, and I hope she will find peace and happiness now. > > I'm glad I went to see mother when I did; I had a feeling that it was my last opportunity to see her alive. > > Even knowing that her death was coming, and expecting it, its still something that will take time for me to process. I am glad that I am able to cry; I was beginning to wonder if I had slipped back into a kind of semi-dissociative state and shut off all my feelings again. But when I spoke to my aunt on the phone, the tears came. > > Sister is supervising the arrangements; everything was already planned and in place RE nada's funeral, etc. The plan is to wait until Sister's son/my nephew can get leave from the military this spring to have a memorial service for mom and scatter her ashes where dad's were scattered. Mom had requested that; she wanted her earthly remains to be mingled with dad's. > > So. I just wanted to share that part of my story, my experience. I'm having mixed feelings of sadness and relief. My mother isn't scared or angry or frustrated or disappointed or in pain any more, and that's a good thing. > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2011 Report Share Posted December 16, 2011 I started really grieving the loss of my NADA the day after my wedding. I had asked her to give me away since it was she who raised me and I had had very little contact with my FADA most of my life (they were divorced). She was crazy-out-of-her-mind angry at me for having the gall to invite my father and his side of the family to my wedding at all. (Could I ever have used this group then!) She refused to come to my shower the day before; she hung up on me when I tried to talk to her about it; she would not look at or speak to me the entire day of and she went around telling people she was there " to give me away and be done with me " . Then she left without saying goodbye. (Being BPD the whole event had to be about her of course.) That is when it really sank in, undeniably, that I did not have a mother. I spent the better part of my honeymoon grief stricken and crying about losing her. I don't even know if she is alive at this point. She probably is, since I have not heard otherwise. Somehow I imagine that I will feel happy for her that she is released from what I imagine is the perpetual state of misery that she lives in when I learn that she has died. I'm not sure if I'm resilient. I could well have ended up on the street given my beginnings. I do know that being raised by two PD parents made me hyper observant such that I am capable of reading body language and able to interpret people's intentions and inner states (like my FADAs) in a pretty uncanny way. It is both a blessing and a curse. HC > > > > > > > > I just got the call from my Sister; she and one of our aunts are there with our mother (as well as the hospice worker); mother just passed away a few minutes ago, while in a coma. Sister said that there is a look of peace on her face. I asked Sister to kiss mother's forehead for me and tell her goodbye, and I hope she will find peace and happiness now. > > > > > > > > I'm glad I went to see mother when I did; I had a feeling that it was my last opportunity to see her alive. > > > > > > > > Even knowing that her death was coming, and expecting it, its still something that will take time for me to process. I am glad that I am able to cry; I was beginning to wonder if I had slipped back into a kind of semi-dissociative state and shut off all my feelings again. But when I spoke to my aunt on the phone, the tears came. > > > > > > > > Sister is supervising the arrangements; everything was already planned and in place RE nada's funeral, etc. The plan is to wait until Sister's son/my nephew can get leave from the military this spring to have a memorial service for mom and scatter her ashes where dad's were scattered. Mom had requested that; she wanted her earthly remains to be mingled with dad's. > > > > > > > > So. I just wanted to share that part of my story, my experience. I'm having mixed feelings of sadness and relief. My mother isn't scared or angry or frustrated or disappointed or in pain any more, and that's a good thing. > > > > > > > > -Annie > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.