Guest guest Posted December 15, 2011 Report Share Posted December 15, 2011 I've been awol from this group for almost a month and a half now since my last post counting down to my escape from nada's house. After graduating this past spring I finally managed to land a good job in october and moved about 100 miles away from nada's house. Not far enough away for my liking, but it's a start, lol. Nada's actually been fairly good about the move, either completely ignoring me or only mild attempts and smothering and FOG. I deleted her from my facebook account a while ago after she freaked out on me in the car so the only contact i usually have with her is over text message. I never talk about anything really important so our conversations are very, well, stupid and superficial. That's about the best I can do with her. I miss my kittens more than my mother. Isn't that sad? So while I was getting my ground over in my new city, I lived with one of my best friends and his boyfriend for a month or so (that was all I could stand). Boy was that an eye opener. His boyfriend is fine, we get along great, but I'm pretty sure now my friend has at least some measure of NPD as well as major control issues. Not sure what started the tension, but you know how you just get that feeling around nada/fada that they're acting fine now, but you KNOW they're going to blow sometime soon and you're just waiting for it? That's what I got from him. He freaked on me randomly one day because I washed dishes in the right side of the sink instead of the left (apparently the right side is for clean water ONLY...wtf). He's never really freaked about anything that OCD before so I think it's more of a control issue than anything else. He just wanted to know I would do what he wanted, even if it was stupid. Then it was which towels I can use after I shower, which pillows I'm allowed to sleep with, etc. The kicker? I was actually paying a third of the rent to stay there and put up with this bullshit. I put my foot down over the pillow thing. I work 14 hour shifts. When I'm not at work I'm asleep. I don't have time to be switching bedding around every morning before I leave. After that he basically just ignored me or only talked to me when he wanted something. I posted something vague on facebook about him being an asshole (didn't name him) for ignoring me and he got mad over that too. Instead of thinking, 'hmm, my supposed best friend is mad at me over something, maybe I should figure what it is,' he's just mad because I insulted him. So now I'm stuck thinking is this friendship worth it? I recognize a lot of feelings I get around him are the same I got around my nada. A lot of the conversations I have with the boyfriend are about what ridiculous thing he did recently, just like conversations with my FOO are all about what stupid thing nada did recently. The terrible nightmares have started up again, worse than they ever were with nada. Probably because I'm not really *scared* of nada. I don't see the potential in her to actually try to destroy me, she doesn't have the motivation or the means. If one emotional punching nag disappears she'll just find a new one. He won't. That's HIS punching bag dammit and he's going to keep punching it. I learned a long time ago that I couldn't have silly fake hitting fights with him because he get way too serious, turns it into a huge deal because he can't stand to lose. I can see in his face that there's no empathy. He becomes a different person and I think he enjoys it when people give him an excuse to force someone into submission. Geezus, that sounds so much worse than it seemed when it happened. Have I been tricking myself about the severity of this? Obviously not everything about is bad or we wouldn't be friends. He was actually instrumental in helping me break away from nada emotionally when I was in high school and his family has been really supportive of me, offering to let me move out of nada's house and live with them if she got too nuts. The only thing I can point to for the recent change is that a few weeks ago he found out he may have colon cancer (which I think is unlikely). But that happened after the dishes incident. I'm just confused about the whole thing. I would go on about how he seems to have two different " Jekyll and Hyde " type personalities, but I know that would sound exactly like someone trying to justify staying in a relationship with a abusive/pd person. I'm rambling. This has my head spinning in circles. I need objective opinions. Sunehri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2011 Report Share Posted December 15, 2011 Hi, sunehri71! It sounds like you've had a stressful time thinking about this, and that's understandable! We tend to gravitate toward relationships that are somehow familiar. Those of us with PD'd parents often end up with lots of PD'd friends and/or lovers. You're not alone in realizing that more than one of your relationships might be less than functional! I know my sister has gone through something similar. She realized a couple of years ago that her best friend from high school probably has BPD. It took her a while to see this. But once she started learning boundaries (which she was doing because of our mother), this friend really pushed back big time and was very manipulative and controlling. My sister finally made the decision that it wasn't a healthy relationship for her and that she needed to let it go. Whether your friend has a PD or not, protecting yourself with boundaries will be helpful for you. I am glad you chose not to be bossed around about the pillows. What would it have been like to say, " I am happy to discuss your preferences on how you would like things to be done, as long as you can speak to me in a respectful manner, " for example? You may find that being willing to stand up for yourself will be enough, or conversely it might be more than he is willing to handle and you might have to let the relationship go. It's hard to say at this point. But I'm glad you took the steps to protect yourself and move out of the hostile environment! Sveta > > I've been awol from this group for almost a month and a half now since my last post counting down to my escape from nada's house. After graduating this past spring I finally managed to land a good job in october and moved about 100 miles away from nada's house. Not far enough away for my liking, but it's a start, lol. > > Nada's actually been fairly good about the move, either completely ignoring me or only mild attempts and smothering and FOG. I deleted her from my facebook account a while ago after she freaked out on me in the car so the only contact i usually have with her is over text message. I never talk about anything really important so our conversations are very, well, stupid and superficial. That's about the best I can do with her. I miss my kittens more than my mother. Isn't that sad? > > So while I was getting my ground over in my new city, I lived with one of my best friends and his boyfriend for a month or so (that was all I could stand). Boy was that an eye opener. His boyfriend is fine, we get along great, but I'm pretty sure now my friend has at least some measure of NPD as well as major control issues. > > Not sure what started the tension, but you know how you just get that feeling around nada/fada that they're acting fine now, but you KNOW they're going to blow sometime soon and you're just waiting for it? That's what I got from him. He freaked on me randomly one day because I washed dishes in the right side of the sink instead of the left (apparently the right side is for clean water ONLY...wtf). He's never really freaked about anything that OCD before so I think it's more of a control issue than anything else. He just wanted to know I would do what he wanted, even if it was stupid. Then it was which towels I can use after I shower, which pillows I'm allowed to sleep with, etc. The kicker? I was actually paying a third of the rent to stay there and put up with this bullshit. I put my foot down over the pillow thing. I work 14 hour shifts. When I'm not at work I'm asleep. I don't have time to be switching bedding around every morning before I leave. > > After that he basically just ignored me or only talked to me when he wanted something. I posted something vague on facebook about him being an asshole (didn't name him) for ignoring me and he got mad over that too. Instead of thinking, 'hmm, my supposed best friend is mad at me over something, maybe I should figure what it is,' he's just mad because I insulted him. > > So now I'm stuck thinking is this friendship worth it? I recognize a lot of feelings I get around him are the same I got around my nada. A lot of the conversations I have with the boyfriend are about what ridiculous thing he did recently, just like conversations with my FOO are all about what stupid thing nada did recently. The terrible nightmares have started up again, worse than they ever were with nada. Probably because I'm not really *scared* of nada. I don't see the potential in her to actually try to destroy me, she doesn't have the motivation or the means. If one emotional punching nag disappears she'll just find a new one. He won't. That's HIS punching bag dammit and he's going to keep punching it. I learned a long time ago that I couldn't have silly fake hitting fights with him because he get way too serious, turns it into a huge deal because he can't stand to lose. I can see in his face that there's no empathy. He becomes a different person and I think he enjoys it when people give him an excuse to force someone into submission. > > Geezus, that sounds so much worse than it seemed when it happened. Have I been tricking myself about the severity of this? Obviously not everything about is bad or we wouldn't be friends. He was actually instrumental in helping me break away from nada emotionally when I was in high school and his family has been really supportive of me, offering to let me move out of nada's house and live with them if she got too nuts. The only thing I can point to for the recent change is that a few weeks ago he found out he may have colon cancer (which I think is unlikely). But that happened after the dishes incident. I'm just confused about the whole thing. I would go on about how he seems to have two different " Jekyll and Hyde " type personalities, but I know that would sound exactly like someone trying to justify staying in a relationship with a abusive/pd person. > > I'm rambling. This has my head spinning in circles. I need objective opinions. > > Sunehri > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 17, 2011 Report Share Posted December 17, 2011 Sunehri, yeah, what svaktchka said. My first serious boyfriend turned out to be NPD/BPD control freak extrordinaire. I figured out pretty quickly that I was not going to settle for ANOTHER person that demanded complete control of my life. One of my best friends in college turned out to be possibly BPD and or bi-polar. She spent the last six months of our friendship using me as her " whipping boy " everytime anything was going wrong she was lashing out at me. I told her I loved her and wanted nothing but the best for her and that I could no longer be her friend due to her constant criticism of me and raging at me and if she could treat me like the true friend that I was then to call me again otherwise don't bother. I walked out the door and never heard from her again. I know she has some pretty severe paranoia issues according to a few mutual friends that kept in touch with her, which makes me wonder about the bi-polar. I had a client that I fired a few years ago that was EXACTLY like my nada. I dreaded seeing her and was always on my guard and implementing strategies for dealing with her crap. I finally fired her from my practice at about the same time as nadas husband died. She left a positively HORRIBLE message on my voice mail and I decided that I am already related to a BPD, I have to deal with that, but I'll be damned if I have to deal with a client that is this way too! I have another friend that is in some crisis of severe denial of dealing with reality in any way. I love her dearly, but she has made really terrible choices that have lead to increasingly diminished financial situation and the worse it gets the worse her desire to escape into non-reality. to say that the internet has greatly enabled this escapism behavior would be an understatement. I wish I could do something to help her, but I fear that all I would do is enable her further. She isn't ready to hear anything I have to say to her. I don't know if she ever will be and it breaks my heart. She isn't a bad person...deluded and in denial but not bad. by the same token, some of my closest friends are what I would call true survivors of the nutjobs in their lives. My BFF since grade school, her mom was Aspergers syndrome, My late husbands Aunt, had a nada too. Another friend, NPD fada. the list goes on and on. I now have fewer PD's and more KO's around me. The BFF says we are each others witness to the crazy that was our childhood and affirm that it was THAT bad and it really DID happen like we remember it. I love the group of friends I have around me now. They are great. C > > > > I've been awol from this group for almost a month and a half now since my last post counting down to my escape from nada's house. After graduating this past spring I finally managed to land a good job in october and moved about 100 miles away from nada's house. Not far enough away for my liking, but it's a start, lol. > > > > Nada's actually been fairly good about the move, either completely ignoring me or only mild attempts and smothering and FOG. I deleted her from my facebook account a while ago after she freaked out on me in the car so the only contact i usually have with her is over text message. I never talk about anything really important so our conversations are very, well, stupid and superficial. That's about the best I can do with her. I miss my kittens more than my mother. Isn't that sad? > > > > So while I was getting my ground over in my new city, I lived with one of my best friends and his boyfriend for a month or so (that was all I could stand). Boy was that an eye opener. His boyfriend is fine, we get along great, but I'm pretty sure now my friend has at least some measure of NPD as well as major control issues. > > > > Not sure what started the tension, but you know how you just get that feeling around nada/fada that they're acting fine now, but you KNOW they're going to blow sometime soon and you're just waiting for it? That's what I got from him. He freaked on me randomly one day because I washed dishes in the right side of the sink instead of the left (apparently the right side is for clean water ONLY...wtf). He's never really freaked about anything that OCD before so I think it's more of a control issue than anything else. He just wanted to know I would do what he wanted, even if it was stupid. Then it was which towels I can use after I shower, which pillows I'm allowed to sleep with, etc. The kicker? I was actually paying a third of the rent to stay there and put up with this bullshit. I put my foot down over the pillow thing. I work 14 hour shifts. When I'm not at work I'm asleep. I don't have time to be switching bedding around every morning before I leave. > > > > After that he basically just ignored me or only talked to me when he wanted something. I posted something vague on facebook about him being an asshole (didn't name him) for ignoring me and he got mad over that too. Instead of thinking, 'hmm, my supposed best friend is mad at me over something, maybe I should figure what it is,' he's just mad because I insulted him. > > > > So now I'm stuck thinking is this friendship worth it? I recognize a lot of feelings I get around him are the same I got around my nada. A lot of the conversations I have with the boyfriend are about what ridiculous thing he did recently, just like conversations with my FOO are all about what stupid thing nada did recently. The terrible nightmares have started up again, worse than they ever were with nada. Probably because I'm not really *scared* of nada. I don't see the potential in her to actually try to destroy me, she doesn't have the motivation or the means. If one emotional punching nag disappears she'll just find a new one. He won't. That's HIS punching bag dammit and he's going to keep punching it. I learned a long time ago that I couldn't have silly fake hitting fights with him because he get way too serious, turns it into a huge deal because he can't stand to lose. I can see in his face that there's no empathy. He becomes a different person and I think he enjoys it when people give him an excuse to force someone into submission. > > > > Geezus, that sounds so much worse than it seemed when it happened. Have I been tricking myself about the severity of this? Obviously not everything about is bad or we wouldn't be friends. He was actually instrumental in helping me break away from nada emotionally when I was in high school and his family has been really supportive of me, offering to let me move out of nada's house and live with them if she got too nuts. The only thing I can point to for the recent change is that a few weeks ago he found out he may have colon cancer (which I think is unlikely). But that happened after the dishes incident. I'm just confused about the whole thing. I would go on about how he seems to have two different " Jekyll and Hyde " type personalities, but I know that would sound exactly like someone trying to justify staying in a relationship with a abusive/pd person. > > > > I'm rambling. This has my head spinning in circles. I need objective opinions. > > > > Sunehri > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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