progress in recent nada conversations?

[Guest guest]

For my Father's Day, our son was in the early days of his broken leg and I was

taking it very hard myself, so I did not take calls from nada nor try to call my

dad. I could not take the chance of sharing my pain in chance conversation. Or

being hurt. When I was ready, I returned a call this weekend, while my family

were watching a program I am not so wild about. Before Doc came on,

which we all love.

Therapist told me not to deal with nada while she (therapist) is away. But as I

am kind of trapped at home right now with my son and his broken leg, sometimes

taking the phone, not avoiding it, feels empowering to me. When I race for the

ringing phone and find out it is nada, sometimes I answer just to get the

communication over with. When I take a phone call it often gives me several

weeks' respite from nada; she stops trying and trying throughout the days.

I would like to be a good daughter and help my mom through grieving the loss of

her last " original " brother. (There are half-siblings that are 9 and more years

younger than my mom that are all quite alive and well.) I soon discovered my mom

was in a time warp about which of her brother's she is mourning the death of. I

was surprised to find that while I was commiserating with her about my uncle A,

she was talking about her other brother, my Uncle W. He died almost four years

ago! But then I realized deaths are funny that way. Uncle A's was as much a

surprise to her as Uncle W's. And Uncle W had an inheritance that was a

challenge to sell and it sold coincidentally with the death of my Uncle A, last

month, six weeks ago now.

In the midst of our reminiscing about her brothers, I brought up my dad and how

glad I was for how his angina was handled over 30 years ago (Uncle A died from

heart problems compounded by renal problems, ascites (?).. some of which I still

find hard to understand, but that I know my mom can relate to.). In a

spontaneous moment my mom decided in the conversation to call my dad to the

phone. She let him on long enough to say hi, and I did not even get to finish

telling him I missed him... before she grabbed the line back. Or he handed it

over to her passively. Either way, I felt done. Robbed. I basically get one

time a year to talk to my dad... and I felt loss all over again.

It may be exactly what they are both all to used to: she wanted to get back to

her topics of conversation, but I was still missing my dad. But I know better

than to ask for what I want. Because it will just lead to unresolved anger for

me. When she said, " Dad is working on one of his projects....and can't talk

long. " I mean, she could have called at a time when my dad could come to the

phone. Or she could stop always needing to have control. But no. So I asserted

myself this way, I very nicely, and with warmth in my voice, said, " I have a

project to return to, too, so I'll say good-bye. " And despite her protests, I

said a kind good-bye. I know I could have said, " I'll talk with you again, when

dad has more time to come to the phone. " But this was a start for me.

And I said good-bye so that I would not miss joining my family in a favorite

(and rare) program on t.v. Gently, with no remorse. I did feel a bit odd that

I had not shared my son has a broken leg. But then, I might hear from nada every

day asking about him. Her thinking I should always be at home ready for her

calls, with no legitimate excuse to be out!

Today, she called back, and I decided to take it, because I knew I could make my

part in the conversation short, if it was not a new doctor calling me back, who

might also show up as private caller. I told my nada that I'd need to get off

the phone to deal with American express (true). She quickly wished me a Happy

Birthday (she neglected to do so the last time she called the day before my

birthday)... but then jumped to some thought that she expected me to know the

context for, without being told! She got in one sentence. " And you had better

watch it and stop doing that kind of thing because you know you are stupid? " I

did not need a tongue-lashing, and nor did I care to know EXACTLY what she was

calling about. So I said, Good-bye mom and hung up the phone.

On one hand, I needed to share this story. It helps me to see that nothing is

really capable of changing with her, unless I change.

Changing for me, means setting boundaries that take care of me. I used to mean

that meant, telling nada when she was violating a boundary or mistreating me. I

could sure use some experience, strength and hope from someone who has found

ways to make progress in lame conversations like the ones I am describing. Right

now, I find I don't have much desire to set boundaries in a more productive way,

because I have tried for too long... to try to turn the Titanic around, but nada

has no interest in facing the reality that SHE is making things inhospitable.

She truly thinks I am to blame for the division between us... because I have

moved so far away, and I don't allow her much access to me. I know she has

figured out some formula in her head too, as to why I can't talk freely to my

dad.

I now refuse to argue, and I just get off the phone as soon as I pick up her

need to dump her crap on my doorstep and tell me that HER crap is MY crap.

Trying my best to live at peace with an unsolved problem.

Best,