personality fired in the kiln of the disordered

June 29, 2011

This week I was telling my T how freaking touchy my boyfriend is lately. For

example, last night I was giggling over a really old brady bunch dance scene

on you tube and I said to boyfriend " Look at greg ha ha " (Greg was REALLY

into the dance moves). He said " who is greg? " I said " only a dumbhead would

need to ask who greg is. "

And then a 45 min fight broke out because I said DUMBHEAD as related to a

lack of Brady knowledge!!!!!. T says that my boyfriend was very sheltered if

something like " dumbhead " could set him off. She said that his personality

hasn't been " fired " like mine has in the kiln of the disordered. . . wow!

She said it like a compliment - that I went through hell and came out in

tact. I told boyfriend that I will promise not to call him mean names but

DUMBHEAD is totally within limits!!!!!

Geez what a dumbhead

Boyfriend has also said that the most trouble he got in as a kid was when

his dad heard him say " Shut up " to his mom. Wow!!!! What a different world!

June 29, 2011

Context is EVERYTHING. I suspect my family is a lot like your boyfriend's and

if anyone in my family were to say " shut up " to another one, it would have the

level of emotional violence behind it that would be shocking. It would be the

equivalent of saying " shut up you worthless piece of shit m***f***, I'll cut you

if you don't stop talking! " in another family. So what happens in my family

on the surface rarely ever looks like abuse if I were to write down the dialog

and the words, we're very " genteel " , but what's underneath the words and in the

covert actions is often totally toxic. I've had multiple therapists say they are

all dysfunctional as hell, but it's a quiet but deadly (haha) kind of

dysfunction.

So in your bf's family someone coming right out and openly calling another

person a " dumbhead " probably carries a great deal of Force and it's hard for him

to get that you are just being affectionate and teasing him a little. Or maybe

his family isn't effed up at all, but just has such a prohibition against name

calling of any kind that it feels like an offensive move no matter who says it.

Just my two cents...from somewhat who used to flip out when my old bf teased me

back in the day

Eliza

>

> This week I was telling my T how freaking touchy my boyfriend is lately. For

> example, last night I was giggling over a really old brady bunch dance scene

> on you tube and I said to boyfriend " Look at greg ha ha " (Greg was REALLY

> into the dance moves). He said " who is greg? " I said " only a dumbhead would

> need to ask who greg is. "

>

> And then a 45 min fight broke out because I said DUMBHEAD as related to a

> lack of Brady knowledge!!!!!. T says that my boyfriend was very sheltered if

> something like " dumbhead " could set him off. She said that his personality

> hasn't been " fired " like mine has in the kiln of the disordered. . . wow!

> She said it like a compliment - that I went through hell and came out in

> tact. I told boyfriend that I will promise not to call him mean names but

> DUMBHEAD is totally within limits!!!!!

>

> Geez what a dumbhead

>

> Boyfriend has also said that the most trouble he got in as a kid was when

> his dad heard him say " Shut up " to his mom. Wow!!!! What a different world!

>

June 29, 2011

For sure, there are different kinds, degrees, and frequency of teasing and one

person's " that was meant as gentle teasing, and I hoped you might tease me back

in kind " might be another person's " that felt like an attack, it hurt my

feelings, and I wish you wouldn't do that/say that again. "

Its about learning what your friend's or lovers' " language " is in this regard.

There's no right or wrong about feelings, or tastes, or level of tolerance.

For example, I discovered that my Sister does not like to be teased about

fibbing. I genuinely thought she had played a joke on me and was fibbing about

it as part of the joke, so when I laughingly said " You're just fibbing to me, I

know it was you " it badly hurt her feelings. See, one of the worst things our

mother did to Sister throughout her growing-up years was to accuse Sister of

lying all the time. Nada would never believed Sister, labeled her as a liar, and

would punish her for things she didn't do; so me teasing her about fibbing was

received as me attacking her the way nada would. Once I realized that Sister

was genuinely upset, I apologized and promised her that I wouldn't tease her

that way again, because I understood that to Sister being accused even in a

teasing way, wasn't funny.

-Annie

> >

> > This week I was telling my T how freaking touchy my boyfriend is lately. For

> > example, last night I was giggling over a really old brady bunch dance scene

> > on you tube and I said to boyfriend " Look at greg ha ha " (Greg was REALLY

> > into the dance moves). He said " who is greg? " I said " only a dumbhead would

> > need to ask who greg is. "

> >

> > And then a 45 min fight broke out because I said DUMBHEAD as related to a

> > lack of Brady knowledge!!!!!. T says that my boyfriend was very sheltered if

> > something like " dumbhead " could set him off. She said that his personality

> > hasn't been " fired " like mine has in the kiln of the disordered. . . wow!

> > She said it like a compliment - that I went through hell and came out in

> > tact. I told boyfriend that I will promise not to call him mean names but

> > DUMBHEAD is totally within limits!!!!!

> >

> > Geez what a dumbhead

> >

> > Boyfriend has also said that the most trouble he got in as a kid was when

> > his dad heard him say " Shut up " to his mom. Wow!!!! What a different world!

> >

June 30, 2011

I can relate to this but only in a different way in that

only recently have I come to understand how negative and hurtful and destructive

the speech that I grew up with actually is. I was raised in the church and grew

up believeing I, my family, and my community were holy and superior to normal

people. I lost interest in religion but I kept the beliefs about my family, i.e.

I still believed they were more virtuous than secular people. It has been a long

slow process to learn just what a negative, hurtful, bitter person my father is

on a daily basis, or hourly sometimes. He is NPD so he is a charming person to

strangers but to loved ones he says horrible biting things, sarcastic, demeaning

things, just goes where most people wouldn't, DAILY. My mother is a

waif/pessimist/helpless/negative/poor pitiful me.

And I thought they were not only normal, but ABOVE AVERAGE in terms of their

outlook on life. LOL. I'm embarassed to admit this. And that it has taken me

years and years...well decades to understand my speech is beyond the pale

sometimes. It hurts because I thought I was just like everyone else, or that I

had nothing really to worry about or change, because at worst, we were normal.

Now I understand we were raised in a terrible environment in terms of learning

how to interact with our fellow humans. Just awful. So now I have to start all

over again, at 42, and learn how to not be other-destructive. It's very

humbling, and I feel like an idiot that it took me this long to understand. And

it makes me so sad, for what I have been through. Because all I was trying to do

was stand up to my dad and not be humiliated by him. and I took this coarsness

out into the world and needless to say people hated me at times because of my

harsh responses. I never saw it that way, i saw it as self-defense. I will never

forget this quote from Melody Beattie in one of her books, I can't even remember

the exact context but when I read it burned into my consciousness, " our

self-esteem was so low that any perceived attack threatened to annihilate us. "

That is how I walked around in life. I makes me really sad to think about, all

that time that i thought i was responding appropriately I was harsh and

graceless and destructive.

I don't want to hijack the post so I will stop here I guess.

> > >

> > > This week I was telling my T how freaking touchy my boyfriend is lately.

For

> > > example, last night I was giggling over a really old brady bunch dance

scene

> > > on you tube and I said to boyfriend " Look at greg ha ha " (Greg was REALLY

> > > into the dance moves). He said " who is greg? " I said " only a dumbhead

would

> > > need to ask who greg is. "

> > >

> > > And then a 45 min fight broke out because I said DUMBHEAD as related to a

> > > lack of Brady knowledge!!!!!. T says that my boyfriend was very sheltered

if

> > > something like " dumbhead " could set him off. She said that his personality

> > > hasn't been " fired " like mine has in the kiln of the disordered. . . wow!

> > > She said it like a compliment - that I went through hell and came out in

> > > tact. I told boyfriend that I will promise not to call him mean names but

> > > DUMBHEAD is totally within limits!!!!!

> > >

> > > Geez what a dumbhead

> > >

> > > Boyfriend has also said that the most trouble he got in as a kid was when

> > > his dad heard him say " Shut up " to his mom. Wow!!!! What a different

world!

> > >

June 30, 2011

" Geez what a dumbhead " Girlscout, you crack me up!

The most trouble he got in was saying " shut up " ??? Maybe HE'S Greg Brady!!

lol!!

>

> This week I was telling my T how freaking touchy my boyfriend is lately. For

> example, last night I was giggling over a really old brady bunch dance scene

> on you tube and I said to boyfriend " Look at greg ha ha " (Greg was REALLY

> into the dance moves). He said " who is greg? " I said " only a dumbhead would

> need to ask who greg is. "

>

> And then a 45 min fight broke out because I said DUMBHEAD as related to a

> lack of Brady knowledge!!!!!. T says that my boyfriend was very sheltered if

> something like " dumbhead " could set him off. She said that his personality

> hasn't been " fired " like mine has in the kiln of the disordered. . . wow!

> She said it like a compliment - that I went through hell and came out in

> tact. I told boyfriend that I will promise not to call him mean names but

> DUMBHEAD is totally within limits!!!!!

>

> Geez what a dumbhead

>

> Boyfriend has also said that the most trouble he got in as a kid was when

> his dad heard him say " Shut up " to his mom. Wow!!!! What a different world!

>

June 30, 2011

" See, one of the worst things our mother did to Sister throughout her growing-up

years was to accuse Sister of lying all the time. "

Ugh, Annie, me too. My mother constantly did that and would smile while she

said it. I remember once, I HAD lied, about eating a last donut. She and my

father kept calling me a liar and laughed about it and she told me she didn't

like little girls who where liars.

I still recall that feeling of feeling unloved. I don't think she meant it that

way, but I wonder now if she seized upon those moments b/c they were the few

times she and my father were in unison on something.

>

> For sure, there are different kinds, degrees, and frequency of teasing and one

person's " that was meant as gentle teasing, and I hoped you might tease me back

in kind " might be another person's " that felt like an attack, it hurt my

feelings, and I wish you wouldn't do that/say that again. "

>

> Its about learning what your friend's or lovers' " language " is in this regard.

There's no right or wrong about feelings, or tastes, or level of tolerance.

>

> For example, I discovered that my Sister does not like to be teased about