My BPD Mother

[Guest guest]

Dear Ms. Randi Kreger and others on the list,

My mother was diagnosed with BPD last year by a psychiatrist. He also diagnosed

her with Melancholic Depression. The psychiatrist wanted to see all family

members to understand more about my mother's condition, however I could only go

once as I was pregnant and have young children. 6 months later I decided to

read about BPD myself and was flabbergasted. I couldn't believe that a name was

being put on my Mom's odd behavior over the years and it has been a Godsend to

know that others out there are facing similar problems. I have since read the

book " Stop Walking on Eggshells " which was fantastic, and also another book by

Anne Lawson " Understanding the Borderline Mother. " They were both

FANTASTIC. Though while I was reading them, I was pregnant, and I don't know if

it was the pregnancy, or the content of the books, I would cry from time to

time. That feeling lasted for about 5-6 weeks, afterwhich I finally made a

decision to cut my mother out of my life - and was fine with it. Since then,

she has tried to get back into my life, and I have always held her at bay. I

have not been back to visit her in our family home, and she has come a few times

to visit me. Unlike other times where I would cave and just go back to talking

to her, this time, I felt I had the upper hand in not accepting abusive behavior

from her. About 3 weeks ago, I told her over the phone that the psychiatrist

diagnosed her with BPD. Of course she called him a " quack " though during that

same conversation she had said good things about him and how he had told her

that the only problem in her life was her kids. She is full of classic BPD

traits. My father is not a BPD, and in fact is a doctor. Over the years he

never knew she had this condition, until the psychiatrist told us she did, and

even now, he has not read anything on the subject, except for emails I have sent

him on this subject, and the book by Anne Lawson I gave him, so he

could see through our eyes " children's eyes. " Though he has read all that, he

still makes excuses for her, he seems to be sucked into her " spell " and I can't

seem to get him to open the subject with her, being her spouse. Imagine that I,

her daughter, was the only one who had the courage to say she had BPD over the

phone. My brother wouldn't, my Dad wouldn't. My sister has lived abroad for

the last 10 years and will not come back because of my Mom, she has also stopped

speaking frequently to us and months will go by and she will not pick up the

phone to call. I told her last year, when I found out about the BPD, about

Mom's condition, and even sent her a book to read about it, the Anne

Lawson book, however, she could only read a few pages, then wouldn't read on as

it brought her a lot of anxiety. She has been diagnosed herself, by the same

psychiatrist, with having " anxiety disorder. " She lumps us all together in one

boat and has decided that to have ties with us means she will have ties with

Mom, and so she just stays away - to the point that she has applied for the

passport of the country that she is currently living in. I feel rather

frustrated that my Dad, especially, continues to avoid confrontation with Mom

over this issue, even though he knows her condition. He says there is nothing

he can do. However he still sides by Mom in her crazy ways, for instance he cut

off his own Son for some time because of her, and whenever she is in town (she

travels a lot these days - mainly to run away from her problems I'm guessing) he

seems to be under her " spell " and seems rather distant from us. When she is out

of town, he becomes good old Dad again. I can ramble on and on, but I guess

I've said enough for now. I wish I knew how to get Dad to come around and help

us - I feel I have no Mom. I've come to terms with that. But I also feel that

I am prevented from having a relationship with Dad, because of Mom. I don't go

over to visit anymore, and Dad will not come over unless she is traveling, and

very rarely. He's afraid of her, it's obvious. Is there a way to deal with Dad?

Are there books on how to deal with Dad and get him to change his behavior? I'm

tired of seeing the coward, manipulated, pushed around Dad and wish he would put

his foot down for a change. But that's wishful thinking I guess. What do you

think?

I also have another sister who has very similar traits to my Mom, I actually

suspect she has BPD. Last summer we fought and I have since stopped talking to

her. She sent me a nasty email placing all the blame on me (classic BPD) and I

refused to answer. I have since only seen her twice or thrice. She has classic

BPD traits, selfish, self absorbed, aggressive, rarely gives time or money to

others unless it suits her, not to mention she is a " user " and will call when

she needs something or other. I am the eldest child and she is the youngest

child in the family.

We also have another half sister from another mother, however I have never met

her because of my Mother - Mom considered it " unloyal " to her if we met her. I

am the only child who kept up loyalty and have not met my sister. However,

after reading the books, I decided that I should meet my sister - and will do

so, but couldn't as she lives in another country. I am meeting my sister's son

(nephew) today, and am excited. Imagine that my Dad, who is technically this

kid's granddad will refuse to tell Mom he is in town, and that he saw him and

gave him money for his stay. He wants us all to keep this a big secret. I'm

tired of the secrets and lies.

Thank you for having this list for us all to vent and express our feelings. You

cannot imagine how much you are helping people like us.

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the Group, N. Yes indeed, knowledge is power, and empowering. Like

you, I cried when I read " Understanding The Borderline Mother " and it took me a

long time to get through the whole thing because it was very anxiety-generating

to read; it was as though she was writing about me and my bpd mom. It was

stressful but it turned out to be very cathartic and healing.

You are in a good space to be able to set firm boundaries with your mother,

that's truly awesome.

Yes, its frustrating when the non-pd parent is so enmeshed and codependent, as

your father is. Mine was too. I think that it is often the case: that the

dominant bpd woman (the " Queen " bpd) will attract or seek out a passive,

enabling man to marry. At least it seems to be the case from the posts here,

there are so many along those lines.

Anyway, welcome. You've found a bunch of other people who really understand

your situation and can relate to it.

-Annie

>

> Dear Ms. Randi Kreger and others on the list,

>

> My mother was diagnosed with BPD last year by a psychiatrist. He also

diagnosed her with Melancholic Depression. The psychiatrist wanted to see all

family members to understand more about my mother's condition, however I could

only go once as I was pregnant and have young children. 6 months later I

decided to read about BPD myself and was flabbergasted. I couldn't believe that

a name was being put on my Mom's odd behavior over the years and it has been a

Godsend to know that others out there are facing similar problems. I have since

read the book " Stop Walking on Eggshells " which was fantastic, and also another

book by Anne Lawson " Understanding the Borderline Mother. " They were

both FANTASTIC. Though while I was reading them, I was pregnant, and I don't

know if it was the pregnancy, or the content of the books, I would cry from time

to time. That feeling lasted for about 5-6 weeks, afterwhich I finally made a

decision to cut my mother out of my life - and was fine with it. Since then,

she has tried to get back into my life, and I have always held her at bay. I

have not been back to visit her in our family home, and she has come a few times

to visit me. Unlike other times where I would cave and just go back to talking

to her, this time, I felt I had the upper hand in not accepting abusive behavior

from her. About 3 weeks ago, I told her over the phone that the psychiatrist

diagnosed her with BPD. Of course she called him a " quack " though during that

same conversation she had said good things about him and how he had told her

that the only problem in her life was her kids. She is full of classic BPD

traits. My father is not a BPD, and in fact is a doctor. Over the years he

never knew she had this condition, until the psychiatrist told us she did, and

even now, he has not read anything on the subject, except for emails I have sent

him on this subject, and the book by Anne Lawson I gave him, so he

could see through our eyes " children's eyes. " Though he has read all that, he

still makes excuses for her, he seems to be sucked into her " spell " and I can't

seem to get him to open the subject with her, being her spouse. Imagine that I,

her daughter, was the only one who had the courage to say she had BPD over the

phone. My brother wouldn't, my Dad wouldn't. My sister has lived abroad for

the last 10 years and will not come back because of my Mom, she has also stopped

speaking frequently to us and months will go by and she will not pick up the

phone to call. I told her last year, when I found out about the BPD, about

Mom's condition, and even sent her a book to read about it, the Anne

Lawson book, however, she could only read a few pages, then wouldn't read on as

it brought her a lot of anxiety. She has been diagnosed herself, by the same

psychiatrist, with having " anxiety disorder. " She lumps us all together in one

boat and has decided that to have ties with us means she will have ties with

Mom, and so she just stays away - to the point that she has applied for the

passport of the country that she is currently living in. I feel rather

frustrated that my Dad, especially, continues to avoid confrontation with Mom

over this issue, even though he knows her condition. He says there is nothing

he can do. However he still sides by Mom in her crazy ways, for instance he cut

off his own Son for some time because of her, and whenever she is in town (she

travels a lot these days - mainly to run away from her problems I'm guessing) he

seems to be under her " spell " and seems rather distant from us. When she is out

of town, he becomes good old Dad again. I can ramble on and on, but I guess

I've said enough for now. I wish I knew how to get Dad to come around and help

us - I feel I have no Mom. I've come to terms with that. But I also feel that

I am prevented from having a relationship with Dad, because of Mom. I don't go

over to visit anymore, and Dad will not come over unless she is traveling, and

very rarely. He's afraid of her, it's obvious. Is there a way to deal with Dad?

Are there books on how to deal with Dad and get him to change his behavior? I'm

tired of seeing the coward, manipulated, pushed around Dad and wish he would put

his foot down for a change. But that's wishful thinking I guess. What do you

think?

>

> I also have another sister who has very similar traits to my Mom, I actually

suspect she has BPD. Last summer we fought and I have since stopped talking to

her. She sent me a nasty email placing all the blame on me (classic BPD) and I

refused to answer. I have since only seen her twice or thrice. She has classic

BPD traits, selfish, self absorbed, aggressive, rarely gives time or money to

others unless it suits her, not to mention she is a " user " and will call when

she needs something or other. I am the eldest child and she is the youngest

child in the family.

>

> We also have another half sister from another mother, however I have never met

her because of my Mother - Mom considered it " unloyal " to her if we met her. I

am the only child who kept up loyalty and have not met my sister. However,

after reading the books, I decided that I should meet my sister - and will do

so, but couldn't as she lives in another country. I am meeting my sister's son

(nephew) today, and am excited. Imagine that my Dad, who is technically this

kid's granddad will refuse to tell Mom he is in town, and that he saw him and

gave him money for his stay. He wants us all to keep this a big secret. I'm

tired of the secrets and lies.

>

> Thank you for having this list for us all to vent and express our feelings.

You cannot imagine how much you are helping people like us.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

good for you for opening up. Sorry that your dad has not been receptive. I don't

think people marry BPD's by accident. There is either some codependency there,

alot of them are married to narcissists (NPD), alot of the dishrag dads people

talk about seem to have traits similar to autism or asperger...there are two

instances of this in my family with dishrag dad and screamingly bpd

females...you might find him 'locked in' to denial about her and he may never

accept it...my mother and youngest brother are both locked into their denial

about their spouses despite pretty abysmal behavior from their spouses almost

daily. I think they have disassociative talents that come from abuse anyway,

and they just 'apply' them to the bpd in question.

>

> Dear Ms. Randi Kreger and others on the list,

>

> My mother was diagnosed with BPD last year by a psychiatrist. He also

diagnosed her with Melancholic Depression. The psychiatrist wanted to see all

family members to understand more about my mother's condition, however I could

only go once as I was pregnant and have young children. 6 months later I

decided to read about BPD myself and was flabbergasted. I couldn't believe that

a name was being put on my Mom's odd behavior over the years and it has been a

Godsend to know that others out there are facing similar problems. I have since

read the book " Stop Walking on Eggshells " which was fantastic, and also another

book by Anne Lawson " Understanding the Borderline Mother. " They were

both FANTASTIC. Though while I was reading them, I was pregnant, and I don't

know if it was the pregnancy, or the content of the books, I would cry from time

to time. That feeling lasted for about 5-6 weeks, afterwhich I finally made a

decision to cut my mother out of my life - and was fine with it. Since then,

she has tried to get back into my life, and I have always held her at bay. I

have not been back to visit her in our family home, and she has come a few times

to visit me. Unlike other times where I would cave and just go back to talking

to her, this time, I felt I had the upper hand in not accepting abusive behavior

from her. About 3 weeks ago, I told her over the phone that the psychiatrist

diagnosed her with BPD. Of course she called him a " quack " though during that

same conversation she had said good things about him and how he had told her

that the only problem in her life was her kids. She is full of classic BPD

traits. My father is not a BPD, and in fact is a doctor. Over the years he

never knew she had this condition, until the psychiatrist told us she did, and

even now, he has not read anything on the subject, except for emails I have sent

him on this subject, and the book by Anne Lawson I gave him, so he

could see through our eyes " children's eyes. " Though he has read all that, he

still makes excuses for her, he seems to be sucked into her " spell " and I can't

seem to get him to open the subject with her, being her spouse. Imagine that I,

her daughter, was the only one who had the courage to say she had BPD over the

phone. My brother wouldn't, my Dad wouldn't. My sister has lived abroad for

the last 10 years and will not come back because of my Mom, she has also stopped

speaking frequently to us and months will go by and she will not pick up the

phone to call. I told her last year, when I found out about the BPD, about

Mom's condition, and even sent her a book to read about it, the Anne

Lawson book, however, she could only read a few pages, then wouldn't read on as

it brought her a lot of anxiety. She has been diagnosed herself, by the same

psychiatrist, with having " anxiety disorder. " She lumps us all together in one

boat and has decided that to have ties with us means she will have ties with

Mom, and so she just stays away - to the point that she has applied for the

passport of the country that she is currently living in. I feel rather

frustrated that my Dad, especially, continues to avoid confrontation with Mom

over this issue, even though he knows her condition. He says there is nothing

he can do. However he still sides by Mom in her crazy ways, for instance he cut

off his own Son for some time because of her, and whenever she is in town (she

travels a lot these days - mainly to run away from her problems I'm guessing) he

seems to be under her " spell " and seems rather distant from us. When she is out

of town, he becomes good old Dad again. I can ramble on and on, but I guess

I've said enough for now. I wish I knew how to get Dad to come around and help

us - I feel I have no Mom. I've come to terms with that. But I also feel that

I am prevented from having a relationship with Dad, because of Mom. I don't go

over to visit anymore, and Dad will not come over unless she is traveling, and

very rarely. He's afraid of her, it's obvious. Is there a way to deal with Dad?

Are there books on how to deal with Dad and get him to change his behavior? I'm

tired of seeing the coward, manipulated, pushed around Dad and wish he would put

his foot down for a change. But that's wishful thinking I guess. What do you

think?

>

> I also have another sister who has very similar traits to my Mom, I actually

suspect she has BPD. Last summer we fought and I have since stopped talking to

her. She sent me a nasty email placing all the blame on me (classic BPD) and I

refused to answer. I have since only seen her twice or thrice. She has classic

BPD traits, selfish, self absorbed, aggressive, rarely gives time or money to

others unless it suits her, not to mention she is a " user " and will call when

she needs something or other. I am the eldest child and she is the youngest

child in the family.

>

> We also have another half sister from another mother, however I have never met

her because of my Mother - Mom considered it " unloyal " to her if we met her. I

am the only child who kept up loyalty and have not met my sister. However,

after reading the books, I decided that I should meet my sister - and will do

so, but couldn't as she lives in another country. I am meeting my sister's son

(nephew) today, and am excited. Imagine that my Dad, who is technically this

kid's granddad will refuse to tell Mom he is in town, and that he saw him and

gave him money for his stay. He wants us all to keep this a big secret. I'm

tired of the secrets and lies.

>

> Thank you for having this list for us all to vent and express our feelings.

You cannot imagine how much you are helping people like us.

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome, N!

It's such a relief, isn't it, to know YOU'RE not crazy??

" Melancholic depression, " wow that sounds so much like my mother. She needs to

see a professional, but simply won't.

Fiona

>

> Dear Ms. Randi Kreger and others on the list,

>

> My mother was diagnosed with BPD last year by a psychiatrist. He also

diagnosed her with Melancholic Depression. The psychiatrist wanted to see all

family members to understand more about my mother's condition, however I could

only go once as I was pregnant and have young children. 6 months later I

decided to read about BPD myself and was flabbergasted. I couldn't believe that

a name was being put on my Mom's odd behavior over the years and it has been a

Godsend to know that others out there are facing similar problems. I have since

read the book " Stop Walking on Eggshells " which was fantastic, and also another

book by Anne Lawson " Understanding the Borderline Mother. " They were

both FANTASTIC. Though while I was reading them, I was pregnant, and I don't

know if it was the pregnancy, or the content of the books, I would cry from time

to time. That feeling lasted for about 5-6 weeks, afterwhich I finally made a

decision to cut my mother out of my life - and was fine with it. Since then,

she has tried to get back into my life, and I have always held her at bay. I

have not been back to visit her in our family home, and she has come a few times

to visit me. Unlike other times where I would cave and just go back to talking

to her, this time, I felt I had the upper hand in not accepting abusive behavior

from her. About 3 weeks ago, I told her over the phone that the psychiatrist

diagnosed her with BPD. Of course she called him a " quack " though during that

same conversation she had said good things about him and how he had told her

that the only problem in her life was her kids. She is full of classic BPD

traits. My father is not a BPD, and in fact is a doctor. Over the years he

never knew she had this condition, until the psychiatrist told us she did, and

even now, he has not read anything on the subject, except for emails I have sent

him on this subject, and the book by Anne Lawson I gave him, so he

could see through our eyes " children's eyes. " Though he has read all that, he

still makes excuses for her, he seems to be sucked into her " spell " and I can't

seem to get him to open the subject with her, being her spouse. Imagine that I,

her daughter, was the only one who had the courage to say she had BPD over the

phone. My brother wouldn't, my Dad wouldn't. My sister has lived abroad for

the last 10 years and will not come back because of my Mom, she has also stopped

speaking frequently to us and months will go by and she will not pick up the

phone to call. I told her last year, when I found out about the BPD, about

Mom's condition, and even sent her a book to read about it, the Anne

Lawson book, however, she could only read a few pages, then wouldn't read on as

it brought her a lot of anxiety. She has been diagnosed herself, by the same

psychiatrist, with having " anxiety disorder. " She lumps us all together in one

boat and has decided that to have ties with us means she will have ties with

Mom, and so she just stays away - to the point that she has applied for the

passport of the country that she is currently living in. I feel rather

frustrated that my Dad, especially, continues to avoid confrontation with Mom

over this issue, even though he knows her condition. He says there is nothing

he can do. However he still sides by Mom in her crazy ways, for instance he cut

off his own Son for some time because of her, and whenever she is in town (she

travels a lot these days - mainly to run away from her problems I'm guessing) he

seems to be under her " spell " and seems rather distant from us. When she is out

of town, he becomes good old Dad again. I can ramble on and on, but I guess

I've said enough for now. I wish I knew how to get Dad to come around and help

us - I feel I have no Mom. I've come to terms with that. But I also feel that

I am prevented from having a relationship with Dad, because of Mom. I don't go

over to visit anymore, and Dad will not come over unless she is traveling, and

very rarely. He's afraid of her, it's obvious. Is there a way to deal with Dad?

Are there books on how to deal with Dad and get him to change his behavior? I'm

tired of seeing the coward, manipulated, pushed around Dad and wish he would put

his foot down for a change. But that's wishful thinking I guess. What do you

think?

>

> I also have another sister who has very similar traits to my Mom, I actually

suspect she has BPD. Last summer we fought and I have since stopped talking to

her. She sent me a nasty email placing all the blame on me (classic BPD) and I

refused to answer. I have since only seen her twice or thrice. She has classic

BPD traits, selfish, self absorbed, aggressive, rarely gives time or money to

others unless it suits her, not to mention she is a " user " and will call when

she needs something or other. I am the eldest child and she is the youngest

child in the family.

>

> We also have another half sister from another mother, however I have never met

her because of my Mother - Mom considered it " unloyal " to her if we met her. I

am the only child who kept up loyalty and have not met my sister. However,

after reading the books, I decided that I should meet my sister - and will do

so, but couldn't as she lives in another country. I am meeting my sister's son

(nephew) today, and am excited. Imagine that my Dad, who is technically this

kid's granddad will refuse to tell Mom he is in town, and that he saw him and

gave him money for his stay. He wants us all to keep this a big secret. I'm

tired of the secrets and lies.

>

> Thank you for having this list for us all to vent and express our feelings.

You cannot imagine how much you are helping people like us.

>

>

>

>