Guest guest Posted December 16, 2011 Report Share Posted December 16, 2011 It makes them feel good to get you to do something you wouldn't otherwise do. If you're resisting something you actually like, they're game is an easy one. Just my theory. They can also look down at you and laugh at you when you fail. On Fri, Dec 16, 2011 at 5:52 PM, eliza92@... < eliza92@...> wrote: > ** > > > I'm wondering if any of you experienced this too. Somehow it seems my nada > just knows exactly what to say to say if I'm on a diet to undermine it or > if I'm avoiding a food that I love that makes me sick to encourage me to > eat it. If I'm having a life challenge that is hard for me but I'm just > managing it, she encourages me to be weak and give up, give in. If I have > doubts and fears she magnifies them with her " concern " . She's been doing > this in one form or another all of my life and in some areas I've been > strong enough to shake off the influence. But in other areas I think this > negative stuff has had real detrimental effect. And then I'll get angry at > myself because really don't I have free will? How can she have so much > influence??? Aaaargh. I do avoid sharing tons of sensitive information with > her, but somehow even the things that seem safe aren't safe enough. > Sometimes I don't even share anything and she just seems to know what to > say to undermine anyway. > > So I wonder what's up with this? Is she wanting to sabotage me or is it > that she just wants me to be as miserable as she is and misery loves > company? > > Eliza > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 16, 2011 Report Share Posted December 16, 2011 Thanks Millicent, so you think it's about power? I can imagine it would make her feel powerful if she could influence me in that way. Of course if I realize this has happened I make sure not to tell her she succeeded. For me this issue shows up most obviously with food (though it extends to all else) I have a number of foods I love that also make me sick - big symbolism there! - and without fail she'll find a way to push these food or wax on about how great they are. Sometimes later she'll do a " oh no, i forgot you can't have that, I'm so sorry! " but it's said in the most ooopsie sugar sweet tone. Like I believe she's sorry for a minute, ya know? Eliza > > It makes them feel good to get you to do something you wouldn't otherwise > do. If you're resisting something you actually like, they're game is an > easy one. Just my theory. They can also look down at you and laugh at you > when you fail. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 17, 2011 Report Share Posted December 17, 2011 I think if Ns do something it usually pays off for them in more than one way and it usually is about making them feel powerful over someone else. It's all about them feeling superior and feeling they " won " . They are addicts and their drugs are attention and winning. On Sat, Dec 17, 2011 at 1:46 AM, eliza92@... < eliza92@...> wrote: > ** > > > Thanks Millicent, so you think it's about power? I can imagine it would > make her feel powerful if she could influence me in that way. Of course if > I realize this has happened I make sure not to tell her she succeeded. For > me this issue shows up most obviously with food (though it extends to all > else) I have a number of foods I love that also make me sick - big > symbolism there! - and without fail she'll find a way to push these food or > wax on about how great they are. Sometimes later she'll do a " oh no, i > forgot you can't have that, I'm so sorry! " but it's said in the most > ooopsie sugar sweet tone. Like I believe she's sorry for a minute, ya know? > > Eliza > > > > > > It makes them feel good to get you to do something you wouldn't otherwise > > do. If you're resisting something you actually like, they're game is an > > easy one. Just my theory. They can also look down at you and laugh at you > > when you fail. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2011 Report Share Posted December 18, 2011 Yeah, my nada does this too. I took my nursing licensure exam this past July and was stressing about the test. Made the mistake of letting her know I was nervous about it. Her response? " Oh, honey, don't feel bad if you don't pass the first time. You know those people make those tests way too hard for anyone to pass. They just want to take your money. " COMPLETELY threw my self-confidence off for a day or two. Luckily a good friend got me back on track. Afterward I was annoyed at myself for how easily I let her get to me. Should have known better than to expect actual support from nada. I think in her case it's kind of like she's threatened by her kids' success, especially if it's in a professional sense. She's never really held a decent job. It makes her feel inferior so she has to find a way to try to undermine it. On Dec 16, 2011, at 5:52 PM, " eliza92@... " wrote: > I'm wondering if any of you experienced this too. Somehow it seems my nada just knows exactly what to say to say if I'm on a diet to undermine it or if I'm avoiding a food that I love that makes me sick to encourage me to eat it. If I'm having a life challenge that is hard for me but I'm just managing it, she encourages me to be weak and give up, give in. If I have doubts and fears she magnifies them with her " concern " . She's been doing this in one form or another all of my life and in some areas I've been strong enough to shake off the influence. But in other areas I think this negative stuff has had real detrimental effect. And then I'll get angry at myself because really don't I have free will? How can she have so much influence??? Aaaargh. I do avoid sharing tons of sensitive information with her, but somehow even the things that seem safe aren't safe enough. Sometimes I don't even share anything and she just seems to know what to say to undermine anyway. > > So I wonder what's up with this? Is she wanting to sabotage me or is it that she just wants me to be as miserable as she is and misery loves company? > > Eliza > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2011 Report Share Posted December 18, 2011 I have had the very same experience with my NADA. Somehow BPD's must constantly " trump " anything you have or are trying to have. One way of keeping you from succeeding or looking better than them is to keep you from doing it. I went back to school 4 yrs ago for my bachelors degree in education (I graduate May 2012) & it has been a constant battle of undermining me, telling me I should quit because it is too much stress, & even questioning why I would want to do something like that. I even hesitated to tell her I was going back to school because I already knew the reaction. Some of her worst days of behavior have been when she knew I had a big text or it was exam week....all trying to sabotage my efforts. I do not know why they do this. As a parent, I want to encourage my kids to be the best they can be, do anything you want to do & do it well. > > I'm wondering if any of you experienced this too. Somehow it seems my nada just knows exactly what to say to say if I'm on a diet to undermine it or if I'm avoiding a food that I love that makes me sick to encourage me to eat it. If I'm having a life challenge that is hard for me but I'm just managing it, she encourages me to be weak and give up, give in. If I have doubts and fears she magnifies them with her " concern " . She's been doing this in one form or another all of my life and in some areas I've been strong enough to shake off the influence. But in other areas I think this negative stuff has had real detrimental effect. And then I'll get angry at myself because really don't I have free will? How can she have so much influence??? Aaaargh. I do avoid sharing tons of sensitive information with her, but somehow even the things that seem safe aren't safe enough. Sometimes I don't even share anything and she just seems to know what to say to undermine anyway. > > So I wonder what's up with this? Is she wanting to sabotage me or is it that she just wants me to be as miserable as she is and misery loves company? > > Eliza > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2011 Report Share Posted December 18, 2011 If your nada has a lot of narcissistic or psychopathic traits, then she may be sabotaging you because, as you supposed, she does not want you to outshine her or surpass her in achievement; that would wound her narcissistic ego. (Narcissism and psychopathy are highly intertwined disorders, according to Dr. Hare.) But if she mostly has bpd traits, then she could be subconsciously attempting to sabotage or " cripple " you in an effort to keep you needy and dependent on her, which is a way to ensure that she is never abandoned by you. Bpds fear abandonment above all else, according to what I've read, if I understand it correctly. Either way, its highly egocentric/selfish, cruel, and sick, sick, sick to sabotage your child's efforts for your own benefit, instead of encouraging and supporting your child's efforts to better herself. Bottom line: pd people are just really, profoundly mentally ill but in sub-clinical ways. And often their dysfunction is only directed at their child or other loved ones; they function just well enough to pass as " OK " in public. -Annie > > > > I'm wondering if any of you experienced this too. Somehow it seems my nada just knows exactly what to say to say if I'm on a diet to undermine it or if I'm avoiding a food that I love that makes me sick to encourage me to eat it. If I'm having a life challenge that is hard for me but I'm just managing it, she encourages me to be weak and give up, give in. If I have doubts and fears she magnifies them with her " concern " . She's been doing this in one form or another all of my life and in some areas I've been strong enough to shake off the influence. But in other areas I think this negative stuff has had real detrimental effect. And then I'll get angry at myself because really don't I have free will? How can she have so much influence??? Aaaargh. I do avoid sharing tons of sensitive information with her, but somehow even the things that seem safe aren't safe enough. Sometimes I don't even share anything and she just seems to know what to say to undermine anyway. > > > > So I wonder what's up with this? Is she wanting to sabotage me or is it that she just wants me to be as miserable as she is and misery loves company? > > > > Eliza > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2011 Report Share Posted December 18, 2011 Hi Gilerbarm, first congratulations on your impending graduation! We will cheer for you here. I can see why you wouldn't want to tell her but hiding going back to school for 4 years would be a big operation. That's an area I struggle with is that some life situations are very difficult to hide if I'm talking to her at all. And yes in a SANE world parents want their kids to do well. It's a shock I never quite get over when I realize that's not true for my family. Eliza > > I have had the very same experience with my NADA. Somehow BPD's must constantly " trump " anything you have or are trying to have. One way of keeping you from succeeding or looking better than them is to keep you from doing it. I went back to school 4 yrs ago for my bachelors degree in education (I graduate May 2012) & it has been a constant battle of undermining me, telling me I should quit because it is too much stress, & even questioning why I would want to do something like that. I even hesitated to tell her I was going back to school because I already knew the reaction. Some of her worst days of behavior have been when she knew I had a big text or it was exam week....all trying to sabotage my efforts. I do not know why they do this. As a parent, I want to encourage my kids to be the best they can be, do anything you want to do & do it well. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2011 Report Share Posted December 18, 2011 Exactly Annie! This part " Bottom line: pd people are just really, profoundly mentally ill but in sub-clinical ways. " is what makes it so hard for me to come to terms with all this. With my nada it is very subclinical and mixed up with normal behaviors and occasionally even loving ones. But the poison is in there too. Then I'm left wondering how conscious her behaviors are. I had a friend whose mother-in-law was diagnosed with BPD and this woman actually tried to choke her. There was no question that the MIL was crazy, she got forcibly committed and put on meds which seemed to calm her down a lot. I guess that's extreme BPD but at least it is clear and nobody had to wonder about her or if it was their fault or if they were misperceiving her actions... Eliza > > > > > > I'm wondering if any of you experienced this too. Somehow it seems my nada just knows exactly what to say to say if I'm on a diet to undermine it or if I'm avoiding a food that I love that makes me sick to encourage me to eat it. If I'm having a life challenge that is hard for me but I'm just managing it, she encourages me to be weak and give up, give in. If I have doubts and fears she magnifies them with her " concern " . She's been doing this in one form or another all of my life and in some areas I've been strong enough to shake off the influence. But in other areas I think this negative stuff has had real detrimental effect. And then I'll get angry at myself because really don't I have free will? How can she have so much influence??? Aaaargh. I do avoid sharing tons of sensitive information with her, but somehow even the things that seem safe aren't safe enough. Sometimes I don't even share anything and she just seems to know what to say to undermine anyway. > > > > > > So I wonder what's up with this? Is she wanting to sabotage me or is it that she just wants me to be as miserable as she is and misery loves company? > > > > > > Eliza > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2011 Report Share Posted December 18, 2011 Sunehri, that sounds sooooo familiar. Good on you for getting back on track! I too struggle with anger at myself when she gets to me. It does seem that expressing nervousness or doubt about something you need to do is a prime temptation for them. Eliza > > Yeah, my nada does this too. I took my nursing licensure exam this past July and was stressing about the test. Made the mistake of letting her know I was nervous about it. Her response? " Oh, honey, don't feel bad if you don't pass the first time. You know those people make those tests way too hard for anyone to pass. They just want to take your money. " > > COMPLETELY threw my self-confidence off for a day or two. Luckily a good friend got me back on track. Afterward I was annoyed at myself for how easily I let her get to me. Should have known better than to expect actual support from nada. > > I think in her case it's kind of like she's threatened by her kids' success, especially if it's in a professional sense. She's never really held a decent job. It makes her feel inferior so she has to find a way to try to undermine it. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2011 Report Share Posted December 18, 2011 this a a boundary I am wanting to set right now but I am at a loss. I sew, and sell baby stuff online. my Nada usually brings this up with statements like " so are you keeping up with your orders? or are you overwhelmed? or even stating *sympathetically* that I must be in over my head. etc. like I am incapable of keeping up with it! honestly if she were not saying that garbage I would probably never feel overworked. a local boutique contacted me and offered to sell my stuff in their store (in a fancy suburb) I was thrilled. I used every creative braincell I could and it was so fun. I almost hated parting with my creations. I told her about it, and all she said was " oh. it's consignment that's ok too I guess. " in her best condescending bored voice. I tried to salvage the conversation by telling her why I thought it was a good opportunity and how it was fun for me to make things the way I want instead of what people want online etc, but she just gave vague answers like " that's cool " dripping with boredom. now every week she asked if I have sold anything yet. like the store has the time to give me a weekly report. yeesh. she is even chatty sometimes about it. Jekyll and Hyde I guess. I think it is not simple jealousy with her. she has this attitude all the time with everyone. I think it is more her being defensive. she feels like us choosing a different path than her puts her life into question. like we are judging her by choosing something different. it does not stop her from bragging about me though. > > > > I'm wondering if any of you experienced this too. Somehow it seems my nada just knows exactly what to say to say if I'm on a diet to undermine it or if I'm avoiding a food that I love that makes me sick to encourage me to eat it. If I'm having a life challenge that is hard for me but I'm just managing it, she encourages me to be weak and give up, give in. If I have doubts and fears she magnifies them with her " concern " . She's been doing this in one form or another all of my life and in some areas I've been strong enough to shake off the influence. But in other areas I think this negative stuff has had real detrimental effect. And then I'll get angry at myself because really don't I have free will? How can she have so much influence??? Aaaargh. I do avoid sharing tons of sensitive information with her, but somehow even the things that seem safe aren't safe enough. Sometimes I don't even share anything and she just seems to know what to say to undermine anyway. > > > > So I wonder what's up with this? Is she wanting to sabotage me or is it that she just wants me to be as miserable as she is and misery loves company? > > > > Eliza > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2011 Report Share Posted December 18, 2011 Yes, I should have been more specific, and included the factors of " high functioning " vs " low functioning. " The low-functioning bpds are the ones who can't control their erratic moods and behaviors very well. They're the ones who " act out " against others (reckless driving, getting into bar fights, verbal or physical fights with the neighbors, with their boss, their spouse, etc.) and get themselves arrested, or they " act in " with cutting and suicidal behaviors get taken in for emergency treatment and wind up getting committed for psych evaluations (or both, I guess.) But those of us who have or had a " high-functioning " bpd parent are basically screwed. Its the high-functioning pd individuals who can be abusive but in subtle, covert, sub-clinical ways. The high-functioning pd person can control his or her behaviors enough to appear normal, even charming and appealing in public, and save up their rage, frustration and venting, unleashing it only against those who either can't or won't fight back or report them: their own children or their spouse (or both.) -Annie > > > > > > > > I'm wondering if any of you experienced this too. Somehow it seems my nada just knows exactly what to say to say if I'm on a diet to undermine it or if I'm avoiding a food that I love that makes me sick to encourage me to eat it. If I'm having a life challenge that is hard for me but I'm just managing it, she encourages me to be weak and give up, give in. If I have doubts and fears she magnifies them with her " concern " . She's been doing this in one form or another all of my life and in some areas I've been strong enough to shake off the influence. But in other areas I think this negative stuff has had real detrimental effect. And then I'll get angry at myself because really don't I have free will? How can she have so much influence??? Aaaargh. I do avoid sharing tons of sensitive information with her, but somehow even the things that seem safe aren't safe enough. Sometimes I don't even share anything and she just seems to know what to say to undermine anyway. > > > > > > > > So I wonder what's up with this? Is she wanting to sabotage me or is it that she just wants me to be as miserable as she is and misery loves company? > > > > > > > > Eliza > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2011 Report Share Posted December 18, 2011 Yes Annie!!!! This is my nada - the majority of the world think she is SO wonderful but she reserves her poison for me. There is nothing I can say that will make people believe how evil she can be . Sent from my iPhone > Yes, I should have been more specific, and included the factors of " high functioning " vs " low functioning. " > > The low-functioning bpds are the ones who can't control their erratic moods and behaviors very well. They're the ones who " act out " against others (reckless driving, getting into bar fights, verbal or physical fights with the neighbors, with their boss, their spouse, etc.) and get themselves arrested, or they " act in " with cutting and suicidal behaviors get taken in for emergency treatment and wind up getting committed for psych evaluations (or both, I guess.) > > But those of us who have or had a " high-functioning " bpd parent are basically screwed. > Its the high-functioning pd individuals who can be abusive but in subtle, covert, sub-clinical ways. > > The high-functioning pd person can control his or her behaviors enough to appear normal, even charming and appealing in public, and save up their rage, frustration and venting, unleashing it only against those who either can't or won't fight back or report them: their own children or their spouse (or both.) > > -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > I'm wondering if any of you experienced this too. Somehow it seems my nada just knows exactly what to say to say if I'm on a diet to undermine it or if I'm avoiding a food that I love that makes me sick to encourage me to eat it. If I'm having a life challenge that is hard for me but I'm just managing it, she encourages me to be weak and give up, give in. If I have doubts and fears she magnifies them with her " concern " . She's been doing this in one form or another all of my life and in some areas I've been strong enough to shake off the influence. But in other areas I think this negative stuff has had real detrimental effect. And then I'll get angry at myself because really don't I have free will? How can she have so much influence??? Aaaargh. I do avoid sharing tons of sensitive information with her, but somehow even the things that seem safe aren't safe enough. Sometimes I don't even share anything and she just seems to know what to say to undermine anyway. > > > > > > > > > > So I wonder what's up with this? Is she wanting to sabotage me or is it that she just wants me to be as miserable as she is and misery loves company? > > > > > > > > > > Eliza > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2011 Report Share Posted December 18, 2011 Hi Lucy, I'm sorry you've had to experience that, its very, very crazy-making when your nada is very high-functioning and able to target just you (or you and just a few others) for her abuse, and everyone else thinks Saint Nada walks on water. One of the things we can do for ourselves is keep a private blog or private diary, and just write down a brief daily record of the negative, abusive things your nada does or says to you: broken promises, gas-lighing, verbal abuse, passive-aggressive behaviors, etc. After a while, you'll probably notice some patterns to her behaviors. One abusive incident or very infrequent bad behavior is explainable and understandable, because everyone has a bad day now and then, but a frequent or intense *pattern* of abusive behaviors is not so easy to explain away. A private blog or private diary can help you to validate your own reality, and provide salient talking points if you should go into therapy. (for example, " I've noticed that over the last couple of years, every time I have begun a good, healthy diet and exercise program my nada starts sabotaging me by pressuring me to eat high-fat, high-calorie foods at every meal instead of the healthy foods allowed on my diet. " ) -Annie > > Yes Annie!!!! This is my nada - the majority of the world think she is SO wonderful but she reserves her poison for me. There is nothing I can say that will make people believe how evil she can be . > > Sent from my iPhone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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